jooser

I fell way off the wagon last night. I have no idea why. I drank myself into oblivion and I didn't even have a chance to save myself. I went 4 whole freaking months and I blew it last night. The police were at my home, I have embarrassed myself and humiliated my family. What the hell is wrong with me? I stopped taking my Camprel about 3 weeks ago because it was making me so damn forgetful. I was screwing up really bad at work even though I was sober. I work for Toyota and I run quality checks on drive and driven gears. One night after I had finished up my check, I put the wrong shaver back into the machine and caused 350 bad gears to be made, that's over half of a shift before MY error was caught.

Dear God, I am so screwed up. Sometime today I have to face my neighbors and offer an apology. I have already tried to call them, but they won't answer. What am I supposed to do? If only I could be normal, if only I wasn't such a screw up. What am I going to tell the kids when they come home from school? Daddy promised them he was going to quit drinking, but oh no, he screwed up again! I hate MYSELF! I feel like dying! Dear God, Why me? What's the plan here, because I seem to have missed it. Does anyone out there hear me? What can I do? Who do I turn to? My doctor will just scold me, my wife isn't speaking to me, I am utterly alone. I haven't felt this alone EVER. Everyone I know hates me. What's the use? Where do I turn to?

rose petals

i hear you and i dont hate you--i know exactly how you feel --the feeling of total terror and fear--thats how i felt --it feels like the end of the world i know--im so sorry--you will probably just have to go thru it unfortunately--i know alcoholism is the most horrible thing ever--just do the next right thing--baby steps as your page says--i know easier said than done--what all do you have to do today as far as work etc?
Laura

CarolD

Mega Hugs
You are not alone..many of us had false starts before we
stayed sober.
Just use those past months of sober time as a
base for a new start.

I don't kmow if you were using a recovery program
or not. If not...do so.

Prayers for your peace

parentrecovers

sending you blessings, jooser. k

jooser

I go to work at 2pm eastern time. I have not decided whether or not I am going in. I spent last night in a hotel and I haven't gotten to see my family today and I won't see them if I go in. My team leader at work has some idea of what I have been struggling with, so I may call him this morning and ask his opinion. He's a sober, Christian guy who generally has good advice. I really don't know what to do next. My wife may leave me now and I can't blame her, but I love her and don't want to lose her.

jooser

aasharon90

Hi Sharon an Alcoholic here....

Alcoholism is a disease....

We have medicine we can take
on a daily bases to help us thru
recovery....

Steps...go thru the first 3 today....

Say them to urself....then get u
a meeting under ur belt.....

Suggestions are freely given to help
and guide us....

More later.....

Anna

Jooser,

Try to learn from what happened and use that to move forward. Figure out what prompted you to drink and then plan a way to avoid that if and when it happens again. If the Campral is causing you problems with your memory maybe you should try staying sober without it. It sounds like it was causing problems with your job, so maybe you should talk to your dr about the side-effects it's causing and the problems it's causing with your job.

As for the fallout, I am sorry for what you are going through and unfortunately the only thing you can do is to try to stay sober.

Hope

I know how you feel. Today is the hardest of all facing last night. I've been there. The guilt, shame, remorse and no one would talk to me either....I felt like no one understood what I was going through. What I wanted someone to tell me then is what I am able to say to you know. I understand exactly how you feel and what you are going through. Stay sober and things will turn out as they are meant to.

I agree with Anna.. definitely talk to your doctor about the side effects of Campral. Your doctor should be able to offer some suggestions also.

Try not to get too discouraged and don't beat yourself up. What's done is done and you can't change that. All you can do is be good to yourself today and make the right decision to be sober. Then you can rest your head on your pillow tonight and have gratitude for a sober day. All each of us has is today to stay sober. Yesterday and tomorrow are irrelevant right now. Just focus on the moment. Right now..... this day. You'll get 4 months and many more if you pick yourself back up and keep moving ahead on the journey.

I'm thinking of you!

frstnm

well, if its any consolation it sounds like you do give a sh*t about your work
I do as well and I have experienced the same thing
for me its a little bit of anxiety when that happens and it usually snowballs and gets worse but I am working on that
also, I have spoken to a christian man who was my boss at one job and he has been really good to me - he sees things with an open nonjudgemental view and understands that we are all human and deserve a chance to get better and be a more productive, responsible and involved in the decisions we make (im not saying you arent) - Id go with your coworker....everyone makes mistakes - thats why there are erasers on the ends of peincils

jooser

Whew, I just called my team leader. I feel a little relieved. He told me not to take the day off and that it would do me some good to come on in and get my mind off of it for awhile. I think that's what I am going to do. My neighbors still won't answer my calls. I desperately want to make amends for my family's sake. The people across the street from me drink like there's no tomorrow. I can't believe they won't answer. Their son is my son's best friend. Oh God, what can I do? I am really feeling alot of anxiety this morning. I have a call in to my doctor about the Campral. In the meantime, I went ahead and took two. I'll be back after I apologize to my neighbors.

jooser

I'mready99

(((Jooser)))

You had a bad fall, but your back on your feet today!!!

You can't reverse what happened, but you can go forward from here. Consider this hitting your "bottom". You had four months. You can have that again...

Make a vow to yourself right now that your going to stay sober. Make amends to the people you affected last night...

Don't look back, just go forward from this moment...

Stay Strong and Positive for your family, but especially for yourself...

One day at a time.

Steve

skeribib

i hope you have an easier road ahead of you.
good luck with everything.
i will pray for you.

jooser

Thanks for all the responses I have gotten this morning. I really appreciate the support that I receive here.

I just spoke with my neighbor across the street. He was very understanding and offered me any help that I may need. He said that our friendship is in no way in jeopardy. I really don't deserve that, but I'll take it anyway. I really needed that this morning. I just need to quit screwing up, that's all there is to it.

Tazman53

jooser I drank for 40 years, I tried to stop the last 10 and failed miserably, doing it on my own led to one thing. I surrendered, I gave up to alcohol, I just decided to quit fighting it and simply drink, I thought to myself why fight what I can not beat. I finally stared death in the face, put myself into de-tox and then straight into AA, I have 113 days sober and the urge/need to drink is gone and I am happier then I have been in 30 years due to my Higher Power of my understanding whom I choose to call God and the fellowship of AA.

I did not and still do not have the power to do it on my own, I needed to learn how to follow directions from other alcoholics who have stopped drinking successfully.

2 suggestions if I may, one is to check and see if Toyota has a program you could put yourself into, most major companies do and it is not a black mark on your record. The second is to pick up your phone book and give your local AA hotline a call or any other alcoholic support group in your area.

jooser you are not alone, there are an awful lot of us around, we know what you are going through right now, I have been there, I came within a hairs width of losing my wife and kids, they now respect me again for the new sober person I have become.

Alcoholism is a three part disease, it is a mental obsession for alcohol which leads to that first drink, it is a physical one that once that first drink is taken leads to the craving for more, and it is a spiritual disease which slowly destroys our very being.

I have been there as have others here, this is not your fault, this is your disease, your disease can not be cured, but it can be arrested by total abstinance from alcohol. This is the one thing in my life I could not do on my own, most alcoholics can't.

Forget the shame and your pride long enough to get yourself some help, this is what I had to do to get sober and to stay sober and be happy with myself.

leviathon

Sorry to hear of the slip jooser. All I can say is been there and done that. I thought there wasn't a plan. I just wasn't listening. God was speaking to me through those around me, I just had to open up to it.

In terms of what to do, first off, review the time leading up to this slip. What were you doing, what was going on, when did you first think of the drink, why did you go and buy it? If you identify the reason for the slip, you will learn a very good lesson and can guard against it.

For me I live by HALTS - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Stressed. These are my triggers. I have to do an inventory from day to day to ensure I am not missing that one of these triggers is being set off. If it is, I need to do something about it.

Peace, Levi

Candy Scratch

Levi, the HALTS thing is so true. I use this as well (and use it in terms of parenting, also -- surefire way to watch a kid meltdown is when she is any of those things -- why would we be any different?)

((((Jooser))))) You are not alone in this. We're all here for you. Breathe and try to calm yourself a little. One step at a time. If you can't ring your neighbours, write them a note of apology and pop it in their mailbox. Oh, just read that you spoke to them - great!

How old are your kids? Are they old enough for you to sit down and explain a little bit about alcoholism and how it works?

And I would tell your wife exactly what you just told us. You love her and you don't want to lose her and you will do what it takes. Then go on and do what it takes.

((((Hugs))))
CS

jooser

Levi, I have no idea what set me off. I really don't. It's like one day I was on cruise control and clean and sober, and the next day I was in the gas station buying a six pack. From there a six pack led to a twelve, and so and so forth. I wish that I hadn't. What is wrong with a guy that can't learn his lesson? I have been here and done this many times, yet I still do it! I have prayed and prayed and I feel like God is ignoring me. I don't want to hurt my family by braking more promises. Yet, that's what I do. I will check in on an AA meeting somewhere in my area. What do I have to lose?

jooser

My neighbor's wife just called me back and we had a long talk. They're being very understanding. Thanks folks for everything this morning, you've been great. I am off to work now, but I'll write you guys back later.

jooser
((((off doing what must be done))))

gettingbetter

When we fall, we tend to think the worst, i.e., the neighbors won't forgive, or the boss will fire me. This feeds us to return to our addiction to drown our self-pity. After confronting both issues, Guess what? The neighbors forgave and the boss understood. go to meetings, don't beat yourself up when you fall, just learn from it, and start over. people care and they do forgive.

I'mready99

GREAT news Jooser...

Things don't seem so dark for you as they did just a few hours ago...

Go forward, don't forget what happened yesterday, but don't dwell on it...

Just stay Strong and Positive and Sober for the future!!!

One day at a time.

Steve