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Old 01-04-2007, 07:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I just found out my boyfriend is alcoholic


Hello there, someone. First of all I apologise for my spelling mistakes. English is not my first language. I have been looking in internet for some answers. Im glad I found this place.
I realized that my boyfriend was alcoholic a year after we started together. I feel very stupid. I saw him drinking all the time, but I thought it was ok ...He never seemed to be completely drunk and he has a very good job an so on, so I couldn´t link alcoholism to him....
When I finally asked him, surprisingly he did not denied it. He somehow agreed he was an alcoholic. His mother was an alcoholic too. He has been suffering from depression. What amazes me is that even recognizing he has that problem he would do anything about it.
I try not to be demanding but comprehensive about it, asking him in all sorts of nice ways to slow down his drinking but he does nothing. And if i push a bit stronger he gets like angry at me. I really love him, but I already can predict this is gonna end with whatever love we ever had...I don´t know how to convince him or what to do for him to stop abusing himself....any suggestion i would highly appreciate it.
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Old 01-04-2007, 07:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Sunny,

Welcome and I'm glad you found us.

I'm sorry for your situation and my suggestion is that you take care of yourself. You cannot push your boyfriend to stop drinking. If you like, you might check out the Friends and Families forums on this board, where you'll find lots of support.
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Old 01-04-2007, 07:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome Sunny glad that you have found us!. I know that it took my ex wife leaving me in order for me to even attempt something new. We were married for 15 years but I still know that she saved my life. I wouldn't have ever tried to change if it wasn't for her.

today we have a great relationship and are friends. Like Anna said the only thing that you can really do is to take care of yourself right now. Sending good thoughts your way

Love Vic
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Old 01-04-2007, 07:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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He has to want it ! You need to move on, if it is in the plan you can find him or he can find you later. He is not good to himself so how can he be good to you. You have grown dependent and having adopted some of his ways you want to recover as well. Go take care of yourself now.
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Old 01-04-2007, 10:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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what can i do about it.

Thank you for your answers guys. But i still dont undertand. I can´t just run away from him. At this point is too much what I love him. I know there is not magical words that would make him quit , and obviously I can´t threat him
by the choice "or me or the bottle", cause something tells me he would rather the bottle....But this is so surreal. I just know i can go and do my own, because he is an alcoholic but he is also such a good person, it seems unfair to me just leave him for that, but on the other hand i know that is nothing but trouble.....What can I say to him to realize? Or better, he fully knows, what can i do?? There is not a single day he doesn´t drink. He has his time, i know what time is his drinking hour and doesn´t stop from then.
I´m not familiarized with addiction problems. The more I know about it, the more naive and stupid i feel cause all the signs were there and i couldn´t see them and now it feels too late. I can´t just go and look after myself......It has to be something that i can do about it.
thank you
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Old 01-04-2007, 10:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
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How rude of me!! I forgot to say thank you for your wellcoming words!!!
thank you!!
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Old 01-05-2007, 01:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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by the choice "or me or the bottle", cause something tells me he would rather the bottle....
You're probably right. If you give him that choice, you'll be gone. He'll choose the bottle. Not just once or twice, but every time. Over and over, he'll choose the bottle.

Get out now. Run. Run for your life.

You deserve to be with a man who loves you. Go find one.

The guy you're with right now sees you as a tool. Like a hammer, or a screwdriver. You're just a piece of equipment that he needs to accomplish a task.

That task is proving to himself and to others that he's not an alcoholic because you haven't left him yet.

He's not "special", he's not "different", and when you confront him and he goes 2 days without a drink, that doesn't meant that there's "hope".

Your life, from this day forward, will be nothing but misery if you stay with him.
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Old 01-05-2007, 02:07 AM   #8 (permalink)
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That can´t be it. I understand that everything is going to worst with this desease, but I can´t accept that the solution for me is to run away. I want to do something but I dont know what!!!!
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Old 01-05-2007, 02:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I want to do something but I dont know what!!!!
Nobody else on the planet knows what, either. The truth (and you don't want to hear the truth) is that there isn't a damn thing you can do. He's an addict, and his addiction will take priority over you every single time.

The only thing you can do, that has any hope of making a difference, is to leave him. Abandon him. Refuse to have any sort of conversation with him at all.

We drunks and addicts only come to recovery when we've had all the pain we can stand. If you want us to recover faster, the only way to do it is to hurt us more.
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Old 01-05-2007, 02:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
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As I said...

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Your life, from this day forward, will be nothing but misery if you stay with him.
I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to help you.

I'm an alcoholic. I'm simply trying to explain to you what it will be like to be in love with someone like me.

It's going to be hell.

Run.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/337169-post1.html
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Old 01-05-2007, 06:06 AM   #11 (permalink)
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thank you. I know your words are hurtingly honest, but if I came seeking for some help here, was precicely for the honesty. God but annoys me soooo much! It makes me feel like screaming in his hear how good I think he is without his drinking!!!
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Old 01-05-2007, 06:24 AM   #12 (permalink)
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subliminalurge, I just read the address you provided in your last message and made me cry the way I used to cry when I was 12 years old. I do that. I keep on surprising myself.
But please, one more hint of naivity; is not that he has no job and does nothing else but drinking, somehow he manages to have a fairly good sort of life -I mean, he is economically stable, ok, he has no friends, but he treats me nicely and all. Sometimes I think he can manage because he is still young, 33, I mean, Im sorry if Ive got this steriotype of alcoholic people not being able to run their lifes, in a way he does.....what do you thiiiiiiink!!!!?????
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Old 01-05-2007, 05:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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subliminalurge, I just read the address you provided in your last message and made me cry the way I used to cry when I was 12 years old. I do that. I keep on surprising myself.
But please, one more hint of naivity; is not that he has no job and does nothing else but drinking, somehow he manages to have a fairly good sort of life -I mean, he is economically stable, ok, he has no friends, but he treats me nicely and all. Sometimes I think he can manage because he is still young, 33, I mean, Im sorry if Ive got this steriotype of alcoholic people not being able to run their lifes, in a way he does.....what do you thiiiiiiink!!!!?????

I think he's got to want to quit or there is nothing you can do. If he doesn't want to quit you can either accept him as an alchoholic and tolerate it or you can leave him. It's as simple as that. But to get a little more detail, what is it about his drinking that bothers you so much? Does he abuse you? does he neglect things? there has to be something that caused you to seak help. Either way, I don't think these things ever end good... I'm still an alchoholic and have a good job, ahouse, a wife and a beautiful son and another on the way. Unlike your BF I do recognize I have a problem and even then it's hard. I've tried quiting many times but I don't know how many of them were serious. I try the moderation method more than anything and right now it works for me. It may get worse again but for now I'm not ready to quit altogether. Not many bad things have happened to me over drinking except for a few arguments with my wife so maybe that's my problem... I haven't hit a "bottom" that has given me that strong urge to quit completely. It's a tough thing and tough to understand.. it's like I know I should quit for many reasons but just can't do it. As for what it's gonna take, I don't know.. hopefully I can just one day decide I don't want it anymore for for now all I can do is try to control it a little bit and hope that days come soon... good luck
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Old 01-05-2007, 09:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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We had an argument last night. This morning he promised me he will only drink during the weekend:Frid-Sat-Mon. I was very happy when I heard that, but at the same time is something wrong about it....
He doesn´t get violent or abusive when he drinks. He tends to isolate himself. And yes, he can manage his life (though socially poor life). That is why whenever we discuss about it I ended up like a kid saying something like "I know is bad because I know it´s bad". As he asked me, I couldn´t prove to him any really really bad sort of behaviour while drinking.
You are right, it´s because he hasn´t hit bottom, he thinks he can manage.

I remember once he didn´t drink, almost to make a point out of it, he he got into a terrible mood.
He said he is not gonna drink during the week, from next Monday. I hope he does so, and I hope I will develop tones of patience too..
So Mcpistho, it does work for you? really?
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