Sober Reality- I am still alive~!
Sober Reality
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dahlonega, GA
Posts: 5
Sober Reality- I am still alive~!
For sometime now my drinking has been more than just a social experience. I have used it to self medicate and it has slowly become a problem. My nights have been filled with serious overindulging which has lead to major blackouts, a lot of not remembering what in the hell happened, risky drinking and driving, too much wasted money, and some very unforgivable actions. My days have been followed by the lingering smell of alcohol, the usual dreaded hangover, and an empty soul left by the empty bottle. The race to get another drink has occupied most of my time and efforts. Each and ever day I have looked for an excuse to drink rather it be a birthday, holiday, or just the fact that the sun was shinning. Sometimes I drink to celebrate and other times I drink to drown my sorrows away. My ability to drink most under the table has become a health hazard and doesn’t deserve a merit. My life has been occupied by two people, the sober me and the drunk me. And these two have been at war with one another each and every day.
I have been convinced that I am happier, smarter, funnier, prettier, and just all around BETTER when I am intoxicated. Now, only to realize that this is in fact just the opposite! The things that I have said and done while intoxicated would make any good person seem awful. I have had some really great times partying with friends and family but as I said, this has become more then a social escapade for me. It has become a battle between life and death. And, with a lot of soul searching, support from my family and friends, and my faith in God, I know that it is a battle I plan on winning.
Everything negative that has happened in my life is a result of my alcohol abuse. The small problems have started to turn into big problems. I had said to myself that I could get control and that I would seek help come the first of the year once I was sure that I actually had a problem. Even with all the drunken mistakes, blackouts, car wrecks, lost relationships and just plain unhappiness I still needed some sort of proof that it had actually became that bad. That again was the sickness clouding my rational thinking. I thought to myself that all I had to do was STOP and I could take back my life and manage it instead of the alcohol managing me. It should be that simple, right? Wrong!
I am now realizing that alcoholism is a disease, just as if I had cancer. It is not something that will just go away. I was not aware that this is an illness and if I didn’t treat it I would be defeated. I was not aware that it affects people differently when it comes to dependency and abuse. Some people can handle just 2-3 drinks in one sitting and for others it is something that their brain can not control and that is when the addiction sets in for me. One drink usually turns into one too many! And at the point of one too many, the blackout occurs. I have only been experiencing the blackouts since I was put on Lexapro for anxiety. Of course, I was not paying any attention to that little yellow sticker on the pill bottle that read “Do not mix with Alcohol”. That again has been the sickness clouding my rational thinking. Over the past year I have had countless blackouts. I have come to realize when experiencing a blackout I am still FULLY functioning yet I do not recall anything that happens during this time frame. There have been so many occasions that have past me by because I was to drunk to recall. On a regular basis someone has had to remind me of what I have done or said the night before. Sometimes my actions have been good and sometimes bad but the mere fact that I was that out of control has become painstaking. Knowing that you have lost control and having to admit self defeat is something that no one is ever prepared to do. And, as most of you know, I am so bullheaded and stubborn that it has seemed to be extra hard for me to actually admit that I am this weak and at the mercy of a substance. Never in a million years would I have thought this. But, on Friday, December 9th, I finally hit what I would call ROCK BOTTOM and there were only minutes between me loosing the battle and God giving me the will to, wake up, be strong, take control, and live my life the right way instead of the drunk way.
Last week was filled with a lot of up and down emotions. I couldn’t gain control of my sense of reality. It was as if I was floating on cloud nine. Wednesday I was very emotional and felt I was at the end of my rope and had to do something. I confided in those close to me that I felt I was out of control and needed to do something about it. I decided that I would check myself into a treatment facility and get the right help. My emotions were out of control and I was so scared. Saying you want to change is one thing but doing it is something totally different. I actually drove myself there and while checking in I was left alone for a few seconds and I turned around and walked out of the door. I didn’t think it was for me. I didn’t think I belonged there. I didn’t believe my problem was that bad! Who was I kidding? I told myself and those around me that I could do this myself and I would be okay. The doctor told me that no amount of medicine was going to help the depression as long as I was drinking the amount of alcohol I was use to drinking. And my body told me that no amount of strength or will was going to keep my body from craving the amount of alcohol that it was use to getting. It was like a catch 22.
Friday quickly approached and of course what better excuse to drink other than “TGIF”. A few drinks that afternoon soon turned into a binge like it usually does. I found myself very emotional and angry later that night. I can’t really tell you what set me off other than the fact that when I am that drunk I have no control over my feelings and I have no care for the feelings of those around me. Sometime around 11:00pm I proceeded to take some Nyquil tabs to calm myself down and so I could get some sleep. I was acting very erratic and kept drinking. The feelings of self loathing set in. I was convinced in my mind that everyone was out to get me and my life was a total mess. Once the Nyquil hit my system, I BLACKED OUT!!! I did not PASS out as I expected I would but instead I was still functioning and consumed the bottle of Tylenol PM that was in my bathroom. They are not sure as to exactly how many pills I actually swallowed. Steve found me passed out on our bedroom floor and I was completely non-responsive. I was rushed to the hospital with a BAL was a .30 which is 3x the legal limit and my Tylenol level was 5 times the normal dosage. I spent the weekend in ICU and my mind, body and soul was filled with shame. Once again, Alcohol had put me on the brink of death. Through that first night in ICU there was not one moment when my life wasn’t lingering at deaths door. And there wasn’t a moment that my family didn’t fill the empty hell that my alcohol abuse has continued to put them through. I went to an inpatient detox through Wednesday and I am feeling really good. I have made the choice to stop drinking as it is not the way I want to die. I am depending on my self to be strong and stubborn and let go of this evil that has controlled my life for the past few years. I have faith that a higher power will get me through this. I am going to give AA meetings a try. They have worked for a lot of people and last night was my first meeting. I got my first white chip which is the beginning of admitting you have a problem and your life has become unmanageable.
My goal is to complete the 90/90. That is 90 meetings for 90 days. The doctors have also got me on medicine to work out the chemical imbalance that has been causing the depression and hopefully without the Alcohol it will get me where I want to be in life. I don’t think for one second this is going to be easy. But, I do think that I am stronger than the sickness and I can “GOD WILLING” get through this.
I have been convinced that I am happier, smarter, funnier, prettier, and just all around BETTER when I am intoxicated. Now, only to realize that this is in fact just the opposite! The things that I have said and done while intoxicated would make any good person seem awful. I have had some really great times partying with friends and family but as I said, this has become more then a social escapade for me. It has become a battle between life and death. And, with a lot of soul searching, support from my family and friends, and my faith in God, I know that it is a battle I plan on winning.
Everything negative that has happened in my life is a result of my alcohol abuse. The small problems have started to turn into big problems. I had said to myself that I could get control and that I would seek help come the first of the year once I was sure that I actually had a problem. Even with all the drunken mistakes, blackouts, car wrecks, lost relationships and just plain unhappiness I still needed some sort of proof that it had actually became that bad. That again was the sickness clouding my rational thinking. I thought to myself that all I had to do was STOP and I could take back my life and manage it instead of the alcohol managing me. It should be that simple, right? Wrong!
I am now realizing that alcoholism is a disease, just as if I had cancer. It is not something that will just go away. I was not aware that this is an illness and if I didn’t treat it I would be defeated. I was not aware that it affects people differently when it comes to dependency and abuse. Some people can handle just 2-3 drinks in one sitting and for others it is something that their brain can not control and that is when the addiction sets in for me. One drink usually turns into one too many! And at the point of one too many, the blackout occurs. I have only been experiencing the blackouts since I was put on Lexapro for anxiety. Of course, I was not paying any attention to that little yellow sticker on the pill bottle that read “Do not mix with Alcohol”. That again has been the sickness clouding my rational thinking. Over the past year I have had countless blackouts. I have come to realize when experiencing a blackout I am still FULLY functioning yet I do not recall anything that happens during this time frame. There have been so many occasions that have past me by because I was to drunk to recall. On a regular basis someone has had to remind me of what I have done or said the night before. Sometimes my actions have been good and sometimes bad but the mere fact that I was that out of control has become painstaking. Knowing that you have lost control and having to admit self defeat is something that no one is ever prepared to do. And, as most of you know, I am so bullheaded and stubborn that it has seemed to be extra hard for me to actually admit that I am this weak and at the mercy of a substance. Never in a million years would I have thought this. But, on Friday, December 9th, I finally hit what I would call ROCK BOTTOM and there were only minutes between me loosing the battle and God giving me the will to, wake up, be strong, take control, and live my life the right way instead of the drunk way.
Last week was filled with a lot of up and down emotions. I couldn’t gain control of my sense of reality. It was as if I was floating on cloud nine. Wednesday I was very emotional and felt I was at the end of my rope and had to do something. I confided in those close to me that I felt I was out of control and needed to do something about it. I decided that I would check myself into a treatment facility and get the right help. My emotions were out of control and I was so scared. Saying you want to change is one thing but doing it is something totally different. I actually drove myself there and while checking in I was left alone for a few seconds and I turned around and walked out of the door. I didn’t think it was for me. I didn’t think I belonged there. I didn’t believe my problem was that bad! Who was I kidding? I told myself and those around me that I could do this myself and I would be okay. The doctor told me that no amount of medicine was going to help the depression as long as I was drinking the amount of alcohol I was use to drinking. And my body told me that no amount of strength or will was going to keep my body from craving the amount of alcohol that it was use to getting. It was like a catch 22.
Friday quickly approached and of course what better excuse to drink other than “TGIF”. A few drinks that afternoon soon turned into a binge like it usually does. I found myself very emotional and angry later that night. I can’t really tell you what set me off other than the fact that when I am that drunk I have no control over my feelings and I have no care for the feelings of those around me. Sometime around 11:00pm I proceeded to take some Nyquil tabs to calm myself down and so I could get some sleep. I was acting very erratic and kept drinking. The feelings of self loathing set in. I was convinced in my mind that everyone was out to get me and my life was a total mess. Once the Nyquil hit my system, I BLACKED OUT!!! I did not PASS out as I expected I would but instead I was still functioning and consumed the bottle of Tylenol PM that was in my bathroom. They are not sure as to exactly how many pills I actually swallowed. Steve found me passed out on our bedroom floor and I was completely non-responsive. I was rushed to the hospital with a BAL was a .30 which is 3x the legal limit and my Tylenol level was 5 times the normal dosage. I spent the weekend in ICU and my mind, body and soul was filled with shame. Once again, Alcohol had put me on the brink of death. Through that first night in ICU there was not one moment when my life wasn’t lingering at deaths door. And there wasn’t a moment that my family didn’t fill the empty hell that my alcohol abuse has continued to put them through. I went to an inpatient detox through Wednesday and I am feeling really good. I have made the choice to stop drinking as it is not the way I want to die. I am depending on my self to be strong and stubborn and let go of this evil that has controlled my life for the past few years. I have faith that a higher power will get me through this. I am going to give AA meetings a try. They have worked for a lot of people and last night was my first meeting. I got my first white chip which is the beginning of admitting you have a problem and your life has become unmanageable.
My goal is to complete the 90/90. That is 90 meetings for 90 days. The doctors have also got me on medicine to work out the chemical imbalance that has been causing the depression and hopefully without the Alcohol it will get me where I want to be in life. I don’t think for one second this is going to be easy. But, I do think that I am stronger than the sickness and I can “GOD WILLING” get through this.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to your new sober life!
You will find much support here
We have lots of information on both
alcoholism and recovery.
Here is a link for you
Blackouts are explained on #35
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Blessings
You will find much support here
We have lots of information on both
alcoholism and recovery.
Here is a link for you
Blackouts are explained on #35
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Right here.
Posts: 105
Welcome back to the world! It's a beautiful place!
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for posting your story. Reading helped remind me of the miserable life that I can have again tomorrow, just by picking up a drink tonight.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for posting your story. Reading helped remind me of the miserable life that I can have again tomorrow, just by picking up a drink tonight.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 7
You and I are pretty much in the same boat, my friend. I read your post and I am glad I have people like you to pull through with. It's like having a workout partner, it's easier to do it together.
Reading your post helped me come straight home rather than pickup a bottle on the way.
Reading your post helped me come straight home rather than pickup a bottle on the way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Posts: 2
It sure sounds like you have learned you can't drink successfully. Let's hope that you embrace your lifeboat, AA, and jump into it with the same vigor you have exhibited with your using.
I really hope it works for you.
I really hope it works for you.
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