jules1973

Hi all....I just joined this website today so I am not entirely sure of all the rules but I read through today's postings and it sounds like I am in the right place.....I got out of treatment last December and for the past year I have been battling with trying to stay sober....in and out of the program....I have a sponsor and I would have some great support if I just knew how to reach out to them.
THIS SUCKS!!! I have a nine year old boy and a husband that has no clue that I relapsed a couple of weeks ago.....so I struggle with whether or not I should tell him and I fear the consequences both ways. I hate these feelings....and I just am so tired of the need to use every day in order to get through....my life could be great...I have a great job, a great husband (well - most of the time), a great son and a home that we pay out the nose for but for some reason none of that is enough to keep me clean and sober.....thanks for listening and I will have to go back and read the other "threads" (I have no idea what that means but I saw it mentioned in some other postings")
Jules

igfan

Thanks Jane, i'm just praying that my niece's HP keeps her safe and she's able to find her way home safely when she's ready. She's 20 and thinks she knows it all (have no idea where she got that from - )

Hi Jules, welcome.....i can definitely relate to your situation. I was in a similar one 4 months ago.....i relapsed (briefly), drank and took xanax (my other weakness) and struggled with whether i should tell my DH or not. I was miserable and couldn't sleep at night knowing i had this big secret. I went to my AA meeting and picked up yet another white chip (my sponsor says pretty soon i'll be able to make a craft out of all of my chips). I used that chip as a way to tell my husband i had slipped, he was very supportive and i felt much better after.....like a big weight had been lifted. Just an idea.

TamTam

Hi, Jules- glad you found us. We go from puking kids, to gray pubic hair, annoying family members, and anything else. Always supportive, non-judgemental and (I'm speaking for all of us, I know) a major major major part of our recovery. Come back often!

TamTam

Good to see you sbrgrl! What a nightmare week!!

sbrgrl

Jules, Your so in the right place! I am so happy to be back..... This is a wonderful and supportive group. I hope you can find some piece of mind here...

scootinbabe

Hola! Just popping in to give hugs to my friends ****{hugs}}}

can't believe that we are already on #7--this must be the fasting moving thread on the boards.

anyhow, i'm trying to dig out from the piles that engulf my office--lots of filing to do. dh wants to do budget and organize (how scary is that?)! but first i need to file and pick up. he wonders how things get so messy. i keep trying to explain to him that things get picked up and then gradually mess up again. there is no constant state. it's entropy. oy vey. anyhoo, hopefully he'll find out for himself once he's filing all the school stuff, the mail, the insurance, the bills etc. God bless him.

better go do my job....then, i'm gonna try to make a meeting tonight.

hellos to newbies and returningbies!

jules1973

Thanks everyone, for your supportive words! I know the right thing to do...keeping secrets is my MO and the other hard part is sharing about the relapse at meetings. I am totally and completely an addict...pain killers....I don't have a lot of physical pain....when I am sober I am actually pain free but I take them for the high....they are like speed for me so of course, I feel as if I cannot get through a day at work or at home with my son without them. I know I can....I have done it so many times before but once I relapsed a couple of weeks ago it has been hard to convince my self of that and as long as I keep this a secret then I am still sick.....even without the drugs. I hate waking up and thinking about them and the getting of them and the using of themd....it is SUCH a viscious cycle!
Thanks again!
Jules

Smyle

hang in there jules...you can learn to live again without using drugs...

we are here for you ....

~Beezy

BrandiK

Jules, welcome! One day ata time.

I have a hard time being sober and home with my kids. I keep thinking it's easier when I am drunk, and I know it's harder. I am just oblivious to it.

Of course, my kids are having to learn about me being sober. I know there are good things they must see, but my 9 year old is finding it not so easy to get away with things lol

Smyle

I feel like crapola...I am glad to be home but am thinking I should have listened to my Dr and stayed another day....My hubby is on his way home so I can rack out....

I HATE being sick...I had the kids pick up some and I did load the dishwasher...I am being anal but the mess drives me crazy.


ayla...I am glad you got a new camera. I got some new clothes and a couple cd's ..books... hats ...


my secret santa sent me a beautiful chime and some yummy soap and lotion...

what did ya'll get or did ya already tell...i am several days behind...it may be on the other thread...when I get my energy back I will get caught up.


I will have 8 months on the first...i really cannot believe that....8 months and did not relapse...even with everything that has happened. I guess i am getting it together...finally...

I have had a couple cravings here and there but all in all I barely have them anymore ????

which is unbelievable to me...since I used so much for so long....I am really proud of myself...I mean I was such a mess this time last year..had a warrant out for my arrest..had lost EVERYTHING...kyle and I were apart....

I know I will never be safe from that urge but I also know now that I have a choice...and I am able to make the right one now....for me...

love you all.....and i will be better soon ...i hope...

~Beezy

sbrgrl

Brandi, Thank you for saying it. That thought passes thru my mind all the time....that being a mom can be easier if I were not sober. This of course is totally untrue. I try to trick myself into thinking that I was sooooo much FUN when I was drinking. Like I would have the music on loud and we would be making huge forts, and jumping on the couches....and my toddler would think I am sooooooo much fun.. This is so NOT the truth.

BrandiK

It's not the truth at all. But today I seem to be having a hard time remembering it.

I am cranky and craving.

i went to the store for groceries, and paying I start to sweat because I knew what I really wanted in my shopping cart was not there. I reached into my wallet to pay the way too much money I was spending...and found a lovely rose quartz a wonderful friend gave me.
She said I should take it to meetings with me, so when I need a reminder, it's there.
it's my Gratitude stone (anyone else see that movie The Secret"?)

Annnd...while typing this....my oldest was snuggling with a cat and her claw got stuck in her newly pierced ears. Ripped the earing out. The 3 year old started crying because the whole thing scared her, and they both woke up the baby.
I handled it great, which is good. Putting that tiny earing into that new hole, I was VERY thankful I was sober. Guess that helped.

scootinbabe

beez--congrats on the 8 months! you continue to be an inspiration daily!

welcome jules--you can do this! read as much as you can about addiction and know your enemy. go to a meeting if you can. you are worth it!

sbrgl and brandi--you guys are doing so well. come here and post anytime you need to burn off frustration and steam--or to report happy things! you guys can do it too!

this journey is such a rollercoaster but hang on! we are here for each other!

**{hugs to all my gal-pals}}

xo

nogard

I am not a single mum, but I am a single dad even though she is 21 in Jan.

I am not doing so well and thought I would drop in and say hello.

Kevin

Smyle

I read about your dad Kevin...i am so very sory for your loss....I know how hard it is to go through this...My 11 yr old niece and ex SIL died in a house fire last month...It has been a hard time this year....

hang in there....
~Beezy

curlylocks

hi everyone,
just wanted to pop in and let ya 'll know i am still here. my little guy (16 mths) has a really bad case of pneumonia so we have been in out of dr.'s /hosp. since christmas day.. he is getting better though we think it will all be okay but it has been scary and i haven't slept in days. . my 3 yr. old has walking pnemuonia and both dh and i have sinus infections to top it all off (santa really loves us).
so i love you all and will be around soon. welcome newbies.
love to all curly

scootinbabe

**{kev}} you have lots of friends here! take good care.

ayla zaire

hi, sbrgrl!!!!i've missed you...only about two weeks 'till you are free!!! how does that feel???? i know you are excited...
kevin...i'm so sorry for your loss...my mother died of lung cancer 6 months ago and i know what you are going through...post here anytime...

beezy...i hope you feel better, honey...i hate it that you are sick...

curly...i hope you all feel better soon...you must have been so worried!!! i'm glad he is getting better now..

i took a nap...i feel a little better..but i'm going back to bed soon...

goodnight, my friends...love you all...

TamTam

(((Curly))) Thanks for checking in! I am so sorry you all are going through this. How scary! My daughter had pnemonia at 18 mos. Yuck... Take care of yourselves!

(((Kevin))) You can crash our thread anytime!! Let us know how we can help!

I just got back from the movies with friends. We saw The Holiday and it was really cute. Jude Law is such a sexy hunk!!! Holy cow! Great chick flick!

My tough litle boy is feeling so good- Not only does he not want his pain killer- he doesn't even want plain old Tylenol... I did just give him the codiene tho so he will sleep tonight.

I HATE the "budget" conversation!!! I think he's letting me get completely through the holidays before he hits me with it! He's already warned me it's going to be rough.

Have a good night everyone.

Sweet dreams xoxo T

scootinbabe

oh oh...i saw "the holiday" too! it was the only grownup movie in a real theater that i've seen in months! jude law is simply too good to be true--not to mention his everything!

it was good--reminded me of those old classic movies from the 50s and 60s where everything works out for everyone. kinda an homage to hollywood--how music, writing, setting, and character development influence a film.

i'm procrastinating cleaning...gotta get back to it. piles everywhere. granted, they are organized piles, but a pile is a pile. unfortunately.

ttfn,