Still spirtually bankrupt??
Raised from the Dead
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Chicago
Posts: 376
Still spirtually bankrupt??
im starting to think im still spirtually bankrupt after 10+ months of sobriety. emotionally im having trouble dealing with the highs and the lows. work has been killing me lately and the CTA system here is a mess lately...its grinding even getting to and from work. on the way home i was so drained the thought of a drink sounded great. then i got depressed knowing that drinking would make me feel even worse. ill struggle one moment, than be on top of the world the next moment. scared to death of the holidays...not necessarily of using but of just being lonely. character defects are flaring right now. everything to me is based on the 1 year mark which is like 40 days away or something....which in itself tells me something is wrong. physically im much much better...have a great job, living a more normal life than ever...but emotionally just damaged. missing my old friends...and losing gratitude also. im going to PRAY. PRAY. PRAY. not for anything other than just to remain sober because "this too shall pass."
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Well, it sounds like you're doing your best to do a 10th step. You're looking at yourself pretty harshly -- whether or not fairly, only you know.
The best suggestion I would offer you is in your last two lines -- the gratitude. What do you have now that you didn't have when you were still drinking? What would you have to give up if you gave in to that urge to drink? Those are the places I go when it feels like I'm not connecting to my source -- and I give thanks for those things.
I heard a friend repeat over and over "it's in the trying" to newcomers who were impatient for results, or folks who'd been around a little while who felt stuck or beginning to slip. So long as you continue putting one foot in front of the other, doing something every day for your recovery (not just the days you feel like it -- I'm saying that as much for me as for you), you'll get over this hump. My life resembles little what it did in the early months, in the first year, in the second year, in the third. Beginning now my fifth year of sobriety (wow...I've never said that "out loud" before....wow), it's all I can do to keep from projecting. I know things will be different this time next year, but I have to be okay with where I am right now.
Do I dare say it? "You're right where you're supposed to be?" Perhaps this is a gift to you to help spur you on. Keep connected and keep putting one foot in front of the other. And remember: gratitude doesn't have to be just the big, obvious things. It's there to be found. Look around you. Look as much for things that aren't there as for things that are.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
The best suggestion I would offer you is in your last two lines -- the gratitude. What do you have now that you didn't have when you were still drinking? What would you have to give up if you gave in to that urge to drink? Those are the places I go when it feels like I'm not connecting to my source -- and I give thanks for those things.
I heard a friend repeat over and over "it's in the trying" to newcomers who were impatient for results, or folks who'd been around a little while who felt stuck or beginning to slip. So long as you continue putting one foot in front of the other, doing something every day for your recovery (not just the days you feel like it -- I'm saying that as much for me as for you), you'll get over this hump. My life resembles little what it did in the early months, in the first year, in the second year, in the third. Beginning now my fifth year of sobriety (wow...I've never said that "out loud" before....wow), it's all I can do to keep from projecting. I know things will be different this time next year, but I have to be okay with where I am right now.
Do I dare say it? "You're right where you're supposed to be?" Perhaps this is a gift to you to help spur you on. Keep connected and keep putting one foot in front of the other. And remember: gratitude doesn't have to be just the big, obvious things. It's there to be found. Look around you. Look as much for things that aren't there as for things that are.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Think Happy Thoughts
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: cHiCaGo iL
Posts: 245
I experienced the same thing not too long ago. I was ready to say **** it and just use. Instead I went to a meeting and spilled my guts on how I felt and why. The pain, the lonliness, the frustration, the intense memorys and just missing my old life. I dont know why it is that I missed my past so much, It was horrible. I shared with such emotion that I began to cry and I felt to empty.
The words spoken to me at that meeting really helped. We are never alone. Most of us if not all of us have gone through similar things and we have made it through. Just remember EASY DOES IT; BUT DO IT! You will be okay.
Praying is a great idea. I will also pray for you. take care. Much love
The words spoken to me at that meeting really helped. We are never alone. Most of us if not all of us have gone through similar things and we have made it through. Just remember EASY DOES IT; BUT DO IT! You will be okay.
Praying is a great idea. I will also pray for you. take care. Much love
Raised from the Dead
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Chicago
Posts: 376
wow that was everything ive been feeling. everything. just now i made yet another call, he picked up the phone. he said he's going to the 11pm meeting 4 blocks from my house. im meeting him there and we might talk afterwards. i have a feeling im going to give my most honest comment in 320 days of sobriety. i have not been honest with myself. i have money, the weekend off, i gotta feel better before the weekend. im laying it all the line right now...im broken right now.
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