zara28

I havent been here for a while.Truth be known I really thought that I could still drink.I just turned 29 and I have started to live on my own.I have been a binge drinker since my teens and this has caused me an imense amount of problems.From self harming,hospital,losing my license,casual sex.The last one happened this morning.I met this guy on the net while I was drinking and then met him in a bar last night.I didnt really like him and I guess I just wanted the company.We slept together and then I just wanted him gone.Today I'm hungover and I didn't go to work because I not only feel physically ill,Im anxious,regretful,I feel like I've let myself down....again.
My drinking is weird.I can go without a drink for weeks,then I'll have one and it's like "Where's the party". Last time I lasted five months before I just gave up my sobriety at the drop of a hat when I was on a date.Just like that.I had hidden myself away during those five months so I think it was just waiting to happen.After that I decided to be a 'controlled drinker'.This did work for a while but also because I had the support of my parents as I was living at home at the time.So today I'm back here.I'm not on my knees this time begging for absolutuon,but I just want to be normal.I've tried everything and nothing seems to work.I hate the fact that I get such a huge release when I'm drunk.I hate the fact that I'm such a different person when I'm drunk.I just want to be ten years old again.I don't want to have to keep dealing with this over and over and over again.

Jersey Nonny

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Truth be known I really thought that I could still drink.

Oh, I know I can still drink...did it for longer than you've been alive, Zara. The thing is, once I decided to quit, it took me so long to learn how to stay stopped (through AA meetings). There are no guarantees that I would be able to quit again and make it back here.

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...met him in a bar last night.I didnt really like him and I guess I just wanted the company.We slept together and then I just wanted him gone.

Oh, those disgusting one night stands...which I know I would never have done, if I weren't too sloshed to care about myself. My biggest fear in AA meetings was that I would run into someone I wouldn't remember, but he would remember me!

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I've tried everything and nothing seems to work.

Have you truly tried everything? I don't see any mention of AA in your story. I know a lot of people don't feel it's for them...but, I also know many more that it has helped to stay sober...myself included. Try it...you may actually like it. Most important, you may find it is what you've been looking for all along to stay sober!

ANGELINA243

Hey zara28,
I can relate to how you feel, my friend. I too have problems with alcohol, self harm issues, going to hospitals, etc. My question is--have you tried any 12-step programs & if so, what happened. You are too young to feel that you must keep going down this same treacherous path. I am 28 years old & pretty much wasted the time from 18-present with alcohol (and all the shameful crap that came along with it). I do admit that I did have fun for awhile, but I always felt like scum in the end (which also included some drug use--which I said I would NEVER get involved in). Please get help while you can--this disease (if you are an alcoholic) will eventually kill you. But first it kills family relationships, not to mention your own personal relationship with your God or Higher Power of you own understanding. Keep posting & talking to people here at Sober Recovery. We do care about you !

miss communicat

Hi Zara,

Glad you returned. Welcome back!

zara28

I really needed some reasurance today.I have tried a few AA meetings.I only went when I was in crisis.Or when I was hungover.Or wanted someone to tell me I wasnt a bad person and that it was the alcohol.Once I'd been sober for a few weeks I stopped going.I've got a book with a list of meetings but to be honest AA didn't really work for me.I found it a bit depressing.
I just spoke to my therapist I used to go to (I'm an incest survivor) and I'm waiting to here back from a deep therapy course that's being held.My therapist said that I'd been taught how to hate myself and I'm continuing that by punishing myself.I could have been raped last night.This is getting really serious and scary.Sorry to be so upfront,but I just want to be as honest as I can be.
Thank you again..You guys are lifesavers.

soldierbilly

You always do what you have always done then you will always get what you have always got! To find happiness practice opposites. Inshort if your mind says "Drink" Dont ! If your mind say "Go for a quick fix" dont .
What comes across in your text is that you know the answers BUT! you are not using Wisdom ! The best roses grow out of crap ! The more suffering you have had in life the better your Peace of Mind will be after you apply Wisdom and Right Action ! Remember it is EFFORT not EFF-IT ! You know the answers apply them and Peace will follow.

The Persian

Zara, I've been there, I know that feeling when you drink and make choices which you soon regret, like sleeping with people you don't find attractive for one. I've lasted months also at times, but then somehow it takes one stupid trip to the package store or a trip to a bar and all my hard work is gone. The victim of another year nightly binge.

Keep trying, don't give up!!!


Jay

Jersey Nonny

No one is ever suddenly struck drunk...it takes a bit of doing. Put that effort into staying sober, Zara. Sorry, but it doesn't sound like you really gave AA a fair chance.

zara28

Thankyou for your advice.I am so low right now.The regret is almost overwhelming.AA seems to be my only option.I think that I have reached rock bottom.I have to be honest with myself.I can't live like this anymore.I want to stay sober.I have to stay sober.I've been making the same mistakes for over ten years.I have taken down my dating profile online.I can't handle a relationship at the moment.But I think I need to be around recovering alcoholics.I need that dialogue to take place.I have done some dangerous things while I have been drunk and there must be a reason why I'm still alive.I just want to take a shower,wash my hair,go to work and start again.

soldierbilly

Pain is the key to change ! I have not yet any AA member who did have pain during their drinking days ! Zara you are not a fool for any thing you have done in the past you will only be a fool if you do it again ! Let life be a learning experience !
Remember AA is about improving the quality of life it is not just a case of sitting and talking about problems. Find a sponsor,a lady that you feel compfortable with.

Rusty Zipper

zara..."pain is the touchstone to spiritual growth"... i learned more about that statement... it made my life way better

do not regret your past... as mentioned... learn from it...

for me,bottom line... i stay'd away from that first drink...

then i work'd on the rest...

and stil do...

good wishes zara

CarolD

You too can do sobriety!
Keep moving forward

Blessings!!

laurience

Zara,
I was in the same boat in my 20's.. I had many useless one night stands because I thought I didn't deserve a loving relationship. All the one night stands was when I was drunk. I was also a weekend binge drinker. I felt so dirty and ashamed. I am now 35 and have a wonderful husband and a beautiful life. I quit drinking almost 3 months ago. Don't wait, do it now. If you continue drinking your pain and low self worth will continue. Start doing some soul searching and give yourself a big hug. You need to forgive yourself and eventually become your own best friend. You deserve to be happy..
Joanne

laurience

Remember, it wasn't you but the booze talking..
Joanne

The Persian

I always wondered about that, the things we do when under the influence. I think alcohol (for the most part) lowers our inhibitions and since we are (at least technically) animals, it brings out the Primal-ish side of our character. That explains why it is also often easier to overcome the hesitation to do certain things we would never think of while sober, because we know they are (based on our spirituality or upbringing) just.plain.wrong.

Like calling an ex-girl or boyfriend in the middle of the night and professing our love, being promiscuous, telling off someone who has been a thorn in our side. This is the reason alcohol should not be served at Company functions, because people are less likely to refrain from telling "Mrs. Brown" that you hate her for getting that promotion over you etc.... it happens, I see it every Christmas party.

Skitzophrenics aside, It's not really just the alcohol transforming us, it actually unleashes (because it tears down inhibitions) a small part of who we are deep down, and most often a very dark and dubious part!

Ok I'll shut up now lol

Jay

zara28

Ok,so today I'm sober,Im at work,but I feel depressed.I know this feeling.I didn't sleep too well last night.A good thing has come out of this.I'm doing a marathon group therapy session in January.I spoke to the guy who runs it and it's for people who have been abused and people with addictions.It's all about honesty and healing.This is like a liver cleanse but for the spirit and soul.It's a very deep and intense form of therapy.I'm going to give AA another go on Wednesay as well.I wasnt too keen on going last night as I was afraid that alcohol may still have been present in my system (i'm paranoid after losing my licence three years ago)Anyway,Im sober and I've asked for help.And I'm going to get help.
Joanne I so aspire to have the life you have.I want a loving partner and all that comes with that.
That will only happen with sobriety.
Hey Jay,thats the entire problem with people who drink to excess,it unleashes everything that's stayed hidden.My problem is that I can't control my actions when I drink.I unleash when I'm drunk and then have to face the consequences when sober.If I unleash all my negative thoughts,all the pain and all the anxiety sober,then I can learn to deal with it sober and in a controlled way.
I'm not going to count the days this time.That way just makes me crazy.Im just going to say that for today I am sober.

The Persian

Yes exactly, you lose the inhibition to supress that which bothers/pains you and essentially "take care of it" either verbally or physically. It's scary what we have locked inside us sometimes. And I agree it is much easier to deal with our actions while sober than the backlash after a night of drinking and no inhibitions.

I'm still going to count, until I hit a month, and then I'll just make each day a sober day. It's always good to write down the start date (hide it away somewhere in a book or something) so that you can look back eventually and pat yourself on the back for having the strength to make it that far. There is nothing wrong with being proud of yourself I say, especially in this sort of battle.

Jay

nogard

Welcome back