a 'brief' introduction to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 15
a 'brief' introduction to me.
Hi. This is long.
My name is Job, well, on here it is at least :-). I am not religious, but I've always like the name Job. And I really enjoyed reading "Job: A Comedy of Justice" by Heinlin. I just think its a fun name, so I gave it to myself.
Anyway, I do not call myself an alcoholic. I do not mean to say that am an alcoholic or am not an alcoholic. I do have a drinking problem. I'm very suspicious/hesitant to view it as a disease in the same sense of cancer or whatever. The big problem for me with seeing my drinking as a disease and seeing myself as an alcoholic is that, it seems, one is supposed to admit that they are "powerless over alcohol." I do not admit that, although I do admit that the power I'd like to have and used to have is nowhere to be found.
I do not mean to degrade any of your beliefs by saying any of this, and I definitely do not want to argue about whether excessive, compulsive drinking is or it isn't a disease--especially since most of you guys have a lot more experience with this beast than I do. I just want to introduce myself, and it doesn't seem right for me to do that by feigning belief in a common view and trying to talk about myself in the terms that surround it.
I hope I don't sound hostile. I'm just trying to be clear and honest. I've been reading this forum all day and I think it could be a place to meet really good friends and learn how to live without drinking. What it comes down to is, I drink every day. I manage to hold onto a relatively well paying job, and I'm getting an A in a third semester German language class that I'm taking, but I'm unhappy and I can no longer tolerate the way that my body feels when I'm not drunk.
So... I started drinking on Halloween when I was 16. I remember this because it was at a halloween party. I would drink with my friends every couple of weekends, and it was usually pretty fun, except when I threw up. I drank pretty normally for a kid my age, and I kept that up until I turned 21. No problems not drinking, no cravings... "Take it or leave it" I believe they say--that was me.
In my Junior year at college I just kinda slipped into more frequent drinking, going out to bars with friends, drinking at parties, that kind of thing. A few weeks after I turned 21 I was on the phone, on a 2 and a half day train from Central California to Michigan, breaking up with my first girlfriend, who I was with for 4 years (since I was 16 and a half or so). I loved this girl very much, and I still do (but no longer "like that"). I got drunk on the train, then I got drunk on the train, then I got drunk on the train. I finally arrived at my Grandmother's house in Michigan. I was there to spend Christmas with her; she lives alone. Being the very "cool grandmother" that she is, she kinda teased me about buying beer the first day I got in, but then when it was all gone the next morning, she bought me another 6 pack. It didn't really effect my visit there with her, we had a great time and a lovely Christmas. She's an awesome lady. When I left, it was more drinking on the train, until I got back to school, at which point I stopped. That was my first bout with daily drinking.
A couple of months later, I got involved with pot pretty heavily. I went to UC Berkeley, and marijuana is about the only thing that hasn't changed since it was a left-leaning, peace and love protest-kind of community. That was my impression at least, from seeing movies like "Berkeley in the 60's" and hearing stories about the free speech protests. It is a very run down area these days, with a lot of poverty, crime, racial tension...in general, just not a nice place to live. Also it is very dirty. None of this matters, the point is there's pot all over the place, and I started smoking it all of the time. I never got as bad as a lot of my friends did, but I was smoking probably a half ounce every month, which was like...3 joints (mixed with tobacco) every day...before classes, after classes, at night... usually alone.
Until I went F-ing crazy. One day it was just business as usual, getting high with friends, and I had the most horrifying I-am-dying-right-now trip that lasted for a long long time. I ended up going to the hospital because I couldn't calm down and stop telling my friends about how I was dying and all. When I got there, they gave me an IV of some magical potion or other, and everything stopped all at once. It was really quite embarrassing.
Okay, so no more pot for me. Things went on alright, I wasn't drinking or getting high, and I got back to normal pretty quickly. But then not too long later, it seemed like a good idea to me to take psychedelic mushrooms, which I had taken once before with no ill effects. That night was basically the point that has defined my life ever since. I took too much. The trip wasn't that bad, I didn't go to the hospital or freak out or see bugs crawling all over my face or anything like that, I just got this very persistent feeling that something is not right, and I am in danger. I walked around campus with the guy I took them with repeating to him over and over "I don't feel good, I ate too much of that ****." The persistent feeling over being out of place and anxious has not left me since. On top of that, I started to get what I'm told is called "persistent visual hallucinations", which is kind of like a flashback but it doesn't go away. It effects my vision, where everything looks like it is overlaid with a layer of static. That hasn't gone away, but its barely noticeable anymore.
So for the first time I had a lot of anxiety, always, and I couldn't get through normal situations...I remember one time leaving a meeting at work, like right in the middle of my boss's presentation about something that I was supposed to be working on, to go outside, have a cigarette, and convince myself that I was not dying at that moment. And once again during a German test. The bad trip was the week before the start of my final semester at Berkeley, but once these situations started becoming frequent, I withdrew from the University. I knew I couldn't pull a 4.0 with my mind going spacey like this. I was very protective with/paranoid about my transcript, and I still am, as I may or may not go to graduate school.
And that's when I really found alcohol. I was living in a room alone, in a housing co-operative with 35 people. That meant there was basically always someone around to drink with, and when there wasn't, I had a private place to drink alone without the concerned eye of a roommate. In the next month, I got up to 6 beers a night, every night. I didn't think anything of it. I was having fun, and it took away the anxiety. I had absolutely no idea about what alcohol does to people, and what it could do to me. I always figured, when I want to stop, whiz bang, I'll stop, no problem. Jeez! So this is while I was not in school. I kept my job, I worked at an IT department at the university, but since it was technically a 'student job', I was only offered 20 hours a week. It was well paying, but it meant that I had a lot of time on my hands. I worked Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That means that basically, every day of my week was either a Friday or a Sunday, except Saturday, which was a Saturday. If that makes sense? I didn't have that much responsibility, and my drinking increased. At the end of that semester, I was drinking at least 9 beers every night, and I started to get fat. I'm a lot fatter now, and I hate it. Sometimes just looking in the miirror makes me so sad that I drink. But that's another story.
In this glamorous semester, I did at least manage to get my head on straight enough to feel ready to go back to school. Spring registration came, and I tried to sign up for classes. But I couldn't. After talking with the registrar, I was reminded of something that I had known originally, but forgot somewhere along the way: When student withdraws from my school, they have to apply for re-admission before a certain date. This application process is a relatively straight forward deal. You're not even re-evaluated on your academic merits, even though I would have passed easily in that regard, they just require that you sign a piece of paper and give them 50 bucks. But, my drunken, cloudy mind forgot all about this, and I let the date pass.
So I guess that was the first time that drinking really F-d up my life. I kept the same job, and moved out with a good friend to a city that's about 30 minutes east of Berkeley, Hayward. Hayward is kind of a run down, boring, out of the way kind of place. Not the kind of place where people want to come hang out with you, cause there is nothing to do except for go to the one bar there that is kind of fun (out of dozens). So I spent most of that semester alone, at home, drinking. That's when I moved to scotch. Scotch is my 'poison' I suppose, if I have appropriated the lingo on this board well enough...
The semester passed, I got up to about 3/4 of a 750ml of Johnny Walker every day, and I wasn't doing so hot. I was eating like ****, I had almost no social life, and I was late to work almost every day. Luckily my boss was really relaxed, and I could just stay later, no harm done. I enrolled in summer school, and cleaned up my act a bit. I switched back to beer, and I tried to drink no more than 4 a day, with a very high level of success, except on the weekends, when I'd drink myself silly.
I moved back to Berkeley for my last semester, back the same cooperative. I couldn't keep up the same level of drinking and excel in my courses, so I was pretty good during that time. But I definitely never quit, and not a single day passed when I didn't drink something. A girl I was somewhat involved with pointed that out to me, and since then I have been concerned with the amount and frequency of my drinking, but never before that.
I moved back home to live with my parents after I graduated. That was 8 months ago. The original plan was to live here for 2 or 3 years and pay back my student loans in their entirety. That was a very naive plan. I detest living here, but unfortunately I am not quite yet in a financial position to move out. I plan on moving to San Francisco early next year. I should have enough money to do it by then, and the German class I am taking at my community college here will be over by then. But that's not the point. The point is hate living here, my mother grates on me incessantly, there's basically nothing I can do that doesn't prompt some criticism, some grand "life lesson" about how I ought to conduct myself--from people who I don't think are entirely successful in living their own lives, I might add.
I am 24 years old, I live with my mother, and she basically is driving me crazy. Its not even as much as what she does or says, its just her presence, just the image of her authority and the way that she can make me feel like **** in a millisecond by pressing some button. Whatever--
Since I moved home and became grossly unhappy, I have been drinking. A lot. Every night, 6 beer minimum, 12 beer maximum, with the norm somewhere between 8 and 10, depending on my mood, the percentage of what I'm drinking, and what I have to do tomorrow.
I quit once on my own about 2 months after I moved here, mostly because I had to, because it took me a while to find a job and I couldn't afford to keep buying good beer (which is all I really drink). It was not easy at all. I tapered down to 2 beers a night, usually stealing the money for it out of my dad's wallet after he had gone to sleep (for the most part, he knew about this, and he didn't mind). I dealt with the jittery skin and tossing and turning while trying to fall asleep...and came out on the other end. That's when I started to get really depressed. Drinking was the only thing I had to look forward to, and taking that away didn't really solve any other problem. Up to that point I had generally figured, "Drinking is the problem", but now I think its more like "I have a ton of problems, and drinking makes them all worse." That lasted about 1 month, then I started drinking again one night because I was just really ******* sad.
That began what is probably my worst phase of drinking in life so far. It lasted about 5 months. I started to drink a LOT. Out with friends, get drunk, drive home drunk, stop at 7-11 on the way home, keep drinking until I fell asleep. I gained a ton of weight. I am computer programmer for a small firm without an office, so I work from home--don't you know it? I started drinking in the middle of the day. I got to around 12 beers a night, and then I started smoking pot again. I guess I figured...I wasn't cool with drinking more than 12 beers in one night, but I wanted to get more ****** up. Every time I smoke pot since I had that one bad reaction (which I wrote about 900 paragraphs up), its kind of hit and miss...sometimes getting high kicks off a really bad trip, sometimes I have a good time. Anyway, one morning I woke up after a particularly heavy night of drinking, and I was introduced to alcohol withdrawal.
It was pretty bad in my eyes, but objectively I think it was pretty mild, just the bone-crushing anxiety that blows everything out of proportion. Hand tremors, but mild, i.e. I had to do that thing where you extend your fore-arm and spread your fingers to even be able to notice them. Still freaked me out though. Sweating in the middle of the day, blood pressure through the roof, the feeling of a thousand little insects crawling all around under neath my skin, and just plain fear that I am going to get really bad withdrawal and that's it, that's the end. I have good insurance, so I called my provider, found a clinic, called my boss, pretended to be very upset and lied about the death of my Grandmother (that's the second worst thing I've done because of alcohol), and checked into a 4 day inpatient detox program.
It was a piece of cake. They gave me ativan, blood pressure medication, and a sleeping pill that really knocked me off my ass. All the physical symptoms went away, group therapy was weird, but I made some good friends in there and we were allowed to have a lot of cigarette breaks.
Well, I got out of there and declined the "intensive outpatient program" that they offered. I felt ******* great, I could think clearly for the first time in ages. I thought going to junior college and taking a german class was a better use of my time, especially since I had worked so hard to become moderately competent in the language, and my skills were rapidly diminishing. I'm still in the class. But now I'm drinking again. After the detox center, my sobriety lasted about 2 months. I didn't drink at all the first month. In the second month I tried to follow the "Moderation Management" approach to moderation instead of sobriety. It was going pretty well, but then I got some horrifying news from my cardiologist.
(I was born with some heart defects, they were fixed when I was 3 years old, after a very traumatic emergency heart surgery. Since then I was told I was perfectly fine.) My normal cardiologist had left the hospital, and I had a new one. He found something on my chart that he didn't like, and was furious that nobody else had brought this up before. He told me I was at risk of "sudden death" and all this other kind of ****, and it basically scared me half to death. He told me he could neither confirm nor deny his suspicion until I had a diagnostic heart cath, which he couldn't schedule that for a week. It was the worst week of my life. I've been living with this anxiety for a couple of years now, but there's no way I could have imagined how bad it could get. I was basically paralyzed, I couldn't tie my shoes without thinking I would probably die before I finished tying them. Well, I had the cath, he was wrong and all of my other doctors are right, and I am told, once again!, that I have the heart anatomy of a normal, healthy adult.
All of the anxiety I had felt in that week vanished almost instantly, it was basically the biggest weight that has ever been lifted off of my shoulders. So what did I do, literally, the night I was discharged. Drink. I drank like a fish that night, I drank myself to sleep so hard that I didn't even know what hit me. And when I woke up the next day, I waited as long as I could, then I drank again. And the next day, and the next day, and the next day. I knew what I was doing and I knew I had to be careful, but I did it anyway. About a month later I caught myself for a second, realized the road I was going down, and tried to quit. Withdrawal symptoms back all over again.
For the last 6 weeks, all I have really thought about is quitting drinking. Every day I think about quitting drinking, but I feel trapped. There's just no way to reason with myself about it. As preposterous as it is, that someone whose been drinking like this for 2 years will most certainly have the worst kinds of seizures and fatal DTs, I cannot convince myself otherwise. If I stop drinking, I will die, simple as that. That has been the last 6 weeks of my life.
Today I finally got in to see my GP. I told her everything I just told you, except I tried to keep it a little bit shorter :-). I also told her that there is no way I can do an inpatient detox again, at least not now. I can't afford to miss more work, I sure as hell can't afford the guilt of lying about another relative dying, and I don't think my insurance will cover it again so soon. She was very understanding and comforting, and she discussed a lot of different options that I have. What she thought was the best one struck me as very strange, but that is the one I am doing. In the week its taken me to get the appointment, I have won the very difficult struggle to get my drinking down to 8 beers a night. She does not think that I should quit cold turkey. I explain to her though, that I think that is all that will work, because every time I try to not drink, I always give in and drink to stop the withdrawal. So she prescribed me adivan, and recommended that take a half a pill in the morning (.5mg), and a whole pill at night. Normal enough, right? But she also recommended that in the first 4 days of taking this drug, I continue drinking. Tonight 4 beers, tomorrow 3, the next day 2, the next day 1, then stop drinking but continue the Adivan. I was pretty weirded out to hear that...I'm always nervous about taking pills anyway, and I thought they would have interactions or whatever, but she assured me that it is perfectly safe.
So that's where I am. I cannot continue my life like this and I do not intend to. I will be done drinking on Monday evening, and then on Adivan for however long she thinks I should be. I'm pretty nervous. I took already that half dose, and it really really really helped...but when it wore off, I started to feel pretty bad again. I would much rather quit CT and take this stuff on an 8 hour cycle, but she says its not safe to go dry all at once in my case, and I'm definitely not going to argue. I can't wait for Tuesday.
So, sorry if this is so long. It feels really good to get this all off of my chest. Even if nobody reads it, it feels good to sort it all out in my mind and have the courage to admit it. Its either very hard for you to understand not wanting to call myself an alcoholic (don't y'all even have a word for it?!), or its the easiest thing in the world to understand. I am not going to approach my drinking problem brashly, however. My long term goal is to be a normal, social drinking, no more than 4 drinks a week, never two days in a row. My immediate goal is a very long period of sobriety so I can collect the failures of my life and turn them around. I'm thinking... no drinking in 2007.
Anyway, like I said, I know this is long and probably a little bit ridiculous, but it feels great. I've enjoyed reading all of your guys's posts. I plan to be around, even if I only ghost.
-Job.
My name is Job, well, on here it is at least :-). I am not religious, but I've always like the name Job. And I really enjoyed reading "Job: A Comedy of Justice" by Heinlin. I just think its a fun name, so I gave it to myself.
Anyway, I do not call myself an alcoholic. I do not mean to say that am an alcoholic or am not an alcoholic. I do have a drinking problem. I'm very suspicious/hesitant to view it as a disease in the same sense of cancer or whatever. The big problem for me with seeing my drinking as a disease and seeing myself as an alcoholic is that, it seems, one is supposed to admit that they are "powerless over alcohol." I do not admit that, although I do admit that the power I'd like to have and used to have is nowhere to be found.
I do not mean to degrade any of your beliefs by saying any of this, and I definitely do not want to argue about whether excessive, compulsive drinking is or it isn't a disease--especially since most of you guys have a lot more experience with this beast than I do. I just want to introduce myself, and it doesn't seem right for me to do that by feigning belief in a common view and trying to talk about myself in the terms that surround it.
I hope I don't sound hostile. I'm just trying to be clear and honest. I've been reading this forum all day and I think it could be a place to meet really good friends and learn how to live without drinking. What it comes down to is, I drink every day. I manage to hold onto a relatively well paying job, and I'm getting an A in a third semester German language class that I'm taking, but I'm unhappy and I can no longer tolerate the way that my body feels when I'm not drunk.
So... I started drinking on Halloween when I was 16. I remember this because it was at a halloween party. I would drink with my friends every couple of weekends, and it was usually pretty fun, except when I threw up. I drank pretty normally for a kid my age, and I kept that up until I turned 21. No problems not drinking, no cravings... "Take it or leave it" I believe they say--that was me.
In my Junior year at college I just kinda slipped into more frequent drinking, going out to bars with friends, drinking at parties, that kind of thing. A few weeks after I turned 21 I was on the phone, on a 2 and a half day train from Central California to Michigan, breaking up with my first girlfriend, who I was with for 4 years (since I was 16 and a half or so). I loved this girl very much, and I still do (but no longer "like that"). I got drunk on the train, then I got drunk on the train, then I got drunk on the train. I finally arrived at my Grandmother's house in Michigan. I was there to spend Christmas with her; she lives alone. Being the very "cool grandmother" that she is, she kinda teased me about buying beer the first day I got in, but then when it was all gone the next morning, she bought me another 6 pack. It didn't really effect my visit there with her, we had a great time and a lovely Christmas. She's an awesome lady. When I left, it was more drinking on the train, until I got back to school, at which point I stopped. That was my first bout with daily drinking.
A couple of months later, I got involved with pot pretty heavily. I went to UC Berkeley, and marijuana is about the only thing that hasn't changed since it was a left-leaning, peace and love protest-kind of community. That was my impression at least, from seeing movies like "Berkeley in the 60's" and hearing stories about the free speech protests. It is a very run down area these days, with a lot of poverty, crime, racial tension...in general, just not a nice place to live. Also it is very dirty. None of this matters, the point is there's pot all over the place, and I started smoking it all of the time. I never got as bad as a lot of my friends did, but I was smoking probably a half ounce every month, which was like...3 joints (mixed with tobacco) every day...before classes, after classes, at night... usually alone.
Until I went F-ing crazy. One day it was just business as usual, getting high with friends, and I had the most horrifying I-am-dying-right-now trip that lasted for a long long time. I ended up going to the hospital because I couldn't calm down and stop telling my friends about how I was dying and all. When I got there, they gave me an IV of some magical potion or other, and everything stopped all at once. It was really quite embarrassing.
Okay, so no more pot for me. Things went on alright, I wasn't drinking or getting high, and I got back to normal pretty quickly. But then not too long later, it seemed like a good idea to me to take psychedelic mushrooms, which I had taken once before with no ill effects. That night was basically the point that has defined my life ever since. I took too much. The trip wasn't that bad, I didn't go to the hospital or freak out or see bugs crawling all over my face or anything like that, I just got this very persistent feeling that something is not right, and I am in danger. I walked around campus with the guy I took them with repeating to him over and over "I don't feel good, I ate too much of that ****." The persistent feeling over being out of place and anxious has not left me since. On top of that, I started to get what I'm told is called "persistent visual hallucinations", which is kind of like a flashback but it doesn't go away. It effects my vision, where everything looks like it is overlaid with a layer of static. That hasn't gone away, but its barely noticeable anymore.
So for the first time I had a lot of anxiety, always, and I couldn't get through normal situations...I remember one time leaving a meeting at work, like right in the middle of my boss's presentation about something that I was supposed to be working on, to go outside, have a cigarette, and convince myself that I was not dying at that moment. And once again during a German test. The bad trip was the week before the start of my final semester at Berkeley, but once these situations started becoming frequent, I withdrew from the University. I knew I couldn't pull a 4.0 with my mind going spacey like this. I was very protective with/paranoid about my transcript, and I still am, as I may or may not go to graduate school.
And that's when I really found alcohol. I was living in a room alone, in a housing co-operative with 35 people. That meant there was basically always someone around to drink with, and when there wasn't, I had a private place to drink alone without the concerned eye of a roommate. In the next month, I got up to 6 beers a night, every night. I didn't think anything of it. I was having fun, and it took away the anxiety. I had absolutely no idea about what alcohol does to people, and what it could do to me. I always figured, when I want to stop, whiz bang, I'll stop, no problem. Jeez! So this is while I was not in school. I kept my job, I worked at an IT department at the university, but since it was technically a 'student job', I was only offered 20 hours a week. It was well paying, but it meant that I had a lot of time on my hands. I worked Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That means that basically, every day of my week was either a Friday or a Sunday, except Saturday, which was a Saturday. If that makes sense? I didn't have that much responsibility, and my drinking increased. At the end of that semester, I was drinking at least 9 beers every night, and I started to get fat. I'm a lot fatter now, and I hate it. Sometimes just looking in the miirror makes me so sad that I drink. But that's another story.
In this glamorous semester, I did at least manage to get my head on straight enough to feel ready to go back to school. Spring registration came, and I tried to sign up for classes. But I couldn't. After talking with the registrar, I was reminded of something that I had known originally, but forgot somewhere along the way: When student withdraws from my school, they have to apply for re-admission before a certain date. This application process is a relatively straight forward deal. You're not even re-evaluated on your academic merits, even though I would have passed easily in that regard, they just require that you sign a piece of paper and give them 50 bucks. But, my drunken, cloudy mind forgot all about this, and I let the date pass.
So I guess that was the first time that drinking really F-d up my life. I kept the same job, and moved out with a good friend to a city that's about 30 minutes east of Berkeley, Hayward. Hayward is kind of a run down, boring, out of the way kind of place. Not the kind of place where people want to come hang out with you, cause there is nothing to do except for go to the one bar there that is kind of fun (out of dozens). So I spent most of that semester alone, at home, drinking. That's when I moved to scotch. Scotch is my 'poison' I suppose, if I have appropriated the lingo on this board well enough...
The semester passed, I got up to about 3/4 of a 750ml of Johnny Walker every day, and I wasn't doing so hot. I was eating like ****, I had almost no social life, and I was late to work almost every day. Luckily my boss was really relaxed, and I could just stay later, no harm done. I enrolled in summer school, and cleaned up my act a bit. I switched back to beer, and I tried to drink no more than 4 a day, with a very high level of success, except on the weekends, when I'd drink myself silly.
I moved back to Berkeley for my last semester, back the same cooperative. I couldn't keep up the same level of drinking and excel in my courses, so I was pretty good during that time. But I definitely never quit, and not a single day passed when I didn't drink something. A girl I was somewhat involved with pointed that out to me, and since then I have been concerned with the amount and frequency of my drinking, but never before that.
I moved back home to live with my parents after I graduated. That was 8 months ago. The original plan was to live here for 2 or 3 years and pay back my student loans in their entirety. That was a very naive plan. I detest living here, but unfortunately I am not quite yet in a financial position to move out. I plan on moving to San Francisco early next year. I should have enough money to do it by then, and the German class I am taking at my community college here will be over by then. But that's not the point. The point is hate living here, my mother grates on me incessantly, there's basically nothing I can do that doesn't prompt some criticism, some grand "life lesson" about how I ought to conduct myself--from people who I don't think are entirely successful in living their own lives, I might add.
I am 24 years old, I live with my mother, and she basically is driving me crazy. Its not even as much as what she does or says, its just her presence, just the image of her authority and the way that she can make me feel like **** in a millisecond by pressing some button. Whatever--
Since I moved home and became grossly unhappy, I have been drinking. A lot. Every night, 6 beer minimum, 12 beer maximum, with the norm somewhere between 8 and 10, depending on my mood, the percentage of what I'm drinking, and what I have to do tomorrow.
I quit once on my own about 2 months after I moved here, mostly because I had to, because it took me a while to find a job and I couldn't afford to keep buying good beer (which is all I really drink). It was not easy at all. I tapered down to 2 beers a night, usually stealing the money for it out of my dad's wallet after he had gone to sleep (for the most part, he knew about this, and he didn't mind). I dealt with the jittery skin and tossing and turning while trying to fall asleep...and came out on the other end. That's when I started to get really depressed. Drinking was the only thing I had to look forward to, and taking that away didn't really solve any other problem. Up to that point I had generally figured, "Drinking is the problem", but now I think its more like "I have a ton of problems, and drinking makes them all worse." That lasted about 1 month, then I started drinking again one night because I was just really ******* sad.
That began what is probably my worst phase of drinking in life so far. It lasted about 5 months. I started to drink a LOT. Out with friends, get drunk, drive home drunk, stop at 7-11 on the way home, keep drinking until I fell asleep. I gained a ton of weight. I am computer programmer for a small firm without an office, so I work from home--don't you know it? I started drinking in the middle of the day. I got to around 12 beers a night, and then I started smoking pot again. I guess I figured...I wasn't cool with drinking more than 12 beers in one night, but I wanted to get more ****** up. Every time I smoke pot since I had that one bad reaction (which I wrote about 900 paragraphs up), its kind of hit and miss...sometimes getting high kicks off a really bad trip, sometimes I have a good time. Anyway, one morning I woke up after a particularly heavy night of drinking, and I was introduced to alcohol withdrawal.
It was pretty bad in my eyes, but objectively I think it was pretty mild, just the bone-crushing anxiety that blows everything out of proportion. Hand tremors, but mild, i.e. I had to do that thing where you extend your fore-arm and spread your fingers to even be able to notice them. Still freaked me out though. Sweating in the middle of the day, blood pressure through the roof, the feeling of a thousand little insects crawling all around under neath my skin, and just plain fear that I am going to get really bad withdrawal and that's it, that's the end. I have good insurance, so I called my provider, found a clinic, called my boss, pretended to be very upset and lied about the death of my Grandmother (that's the second worst thing I've done because of alcohol), and checked into a 4 day inpatient detox program.
It was a piece of cake. They gave me ativan, blood pressure medication, and a sleeping pill that really knocked me off my ass. All the physical symptoms went away, group therapy was weird, but I made some good friends in there and we were allowed to have a lot of cigarette breaks.
Well, I got out of there and declined the "intensive outpatient program" that they offered. I felt ******* great, I could think clearly for the first time in ages. I thought going to junior college and taking a german class was a better use of my time, especially since I had worked so hard to become moderately competent in the language, and my skills were rapidly diminishing. I'm still in the class. But now I'm drinking again. After the detox center, my sobriety lasted about 2 months. I didn't drink at all the first month. In the second month I tried to follow the "Moderation Management" approach to moderation instead of sobriety. It was going pretty well, but then I got some horrifying news from my cardiologist.
(I was born with some heart defects, they were fixed when I was 3 years old, after a very traumatic emergency heart surgery. Since then I was told I was perfectly fine.) My normal cardiologist had left the hospital, and I had a new one. He found something on my chart that he didn't like, and was furious that nobody else had brought this up before. He told me I was at risk of "sudden death" and all this other kind of ****, and it basically scared me half to death. He told me he could neither confirm nor deny his suspicion until I had a diagnostic heart cath, which he couldn't schedule that for a week. It was the worst week of my life. I've been living with this anxiety for a couple of years now, but there's no way I could have imagined how bad it could get. I was basically paralyzed, I couldn't tie my shoes without thinking I would probably die before I finished tying them. Well, I had the cath, he was wrong and all of my other doctors are right, and I am told, once again!, that I have the heart anatomy of a normal, healthy adult.
All of the anxiety I had felt in that week vanished almost instantly, it was basically the biggest weight that has ever been lifted off of my shoulders. So what did I do, literally, the night I was discharged. Drink. I drank like a fish that night, I drank myself to sleep so hard that I didn't even know what hit me. And when I woke up the next day, I waited as long as I could, then I drank again. And the next day, and the next day, and the next day. I knew what I was doing and I knew I had to be careful, but I did it anyway. About a month later I caught myself for a second, realized the road I was going down, and tried to quit. Withdrawal symptoms back all over again.
For the last 6 weeks, all I have really thought about is quitting drinking. Every day I think about quitting drinking, but I feel trapped. There's just no way to reason with myself about it. As preposterous as it is, that someone whose been drinking like this for 2 years will most certainly have the worst kinds of seizures and fatal DTs, I cannot convince myself otherwise. If I stop drinking, I will die, simple as that. That has been the last 6 weeks of my life.
Today I finally got in to see my GP. I told her everything I just told you, except I tried to keep it a little bit shorter :-). I also told her that there is no way I can do an inpatient detox again, at least not now. I can't afford to miss more work, I sure as hell can't afford the guilt of lying about another relative dying, and I don't think my insurance will cover it again so soon. She was very understanding and comforting, and she discussed a lot of different options that I have. What she thought was the best one struck me as very strange, but that is the one I am doing. In the week its taken me to get the appointment, I have won the very difficult struggle to get my drinking down to 8 beers a night. She does not think that I should quit cold turkey. I explain to her though, that I think that is all that will work, because every time I try to not drink, I always give in and drink to stop the withdrawal. So she prescribed me adivan, and recommended that take a half a pill in the morning (.5mg), and a whole pill at night. Normal enough, right? But she also recommended that in the first 4 days of taking this drug, I continue drinking. Tonight 4 beers, tomorrow 3, the next day 2, the next day 1, then stop drinking but continue the Adivan. I was pretty weirded out to hear that...I'm always nervous about taking pills anyway, and I thought they would have interactions or whatever, but she assured me that it is perfectly safe.
So that's where I am. I cannot continue my life like this and I do not intend to. I will be done drinking on Monday evening, and then on Adivan for however long she thinks I should be. I'm pretty nervous. I took already that half dose, and it really really really helped...but when it wore off, I started to feel pretty bad again. I would much rather quit CT and take this stuff on an 8 hour cycle, but she says its not safe to go dry all at once in my case, and I'm definitely not going to argue. I can't wait for Tuesday.
So, sorry if this is so long. It feels really good to get this all off of my chest. Even if nobody reads it, it feels good to sort it all out in my mind and have the courage to admit it. Its either very hard for you to understand not wanting to call myself an alcoholic (don't y'all even have a word for it?!), or its the easiest thing in the world to understand. I am not going to approach my drinking problem brashly, however. My long term goal is to be a normal, social drinking, no more than 4 drinks a week, never two days in a row. My immediate goal is a very long period of sobriety so I can collect the failures of my life and turn them around. I'm thinking... no drinking in 2007.
Anyway, like I said, I know this is long and probably a little bit ridiculous, but it feels great. I've enjoyed reading all of your guys's posts. I plan to be around, even if I only ghost.
-Job.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR......
Wow.... that is quite the story..... Im not sure what to say to that, but Im glad you feel better getting it off your chest.
I look forward to getting to know you... stick around and read and post as you can.
Wow.... that is quite the story..... Im not sure what to say to that, but Im glad you feel better getting it off your chest.
I look forward to getting to know you... stick around and read and post as you can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 15
Thanks you two. Its just nice to find a 'place' where I can say "I have a really hard time not drinking" and not get looked down on. I literally do not have a single person in my life I would confide any of this in.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Im a person.
Your not the only one that is unsure of there drinking pattern or the lables placed on a person for them....
To me it really does not matter much the lable you give, if drinking is a problem .... then its a problem.... right?
Your not the only one that is unsure of there drinking pattern or the lables placed on a person for them....
To me it really does not matter much the lable you give, if drinking is a problem .... then its a problem.... right?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 15
Surely, yes, you are a person :-)
I meant 'in my life' like someone I know who I could call up for a cup of coffee or whatever. A friend that I'm close enough with to divulge these secrets, that's all.
But I agree. I'm not sure how I want to define myself or speculate about how I will behave indefinitely into the future, but drinking is absolutely a problem for me right now. If I keep going like I have been, my life will absolutely fall apart.
-j
I meant 'in my life' like someone I know who I could call up for a cup of coffee or whatever. A friend that I'm close enough with to divulge these secrets, that's all.
But I agree. I'm not sure how I want to define myself or speculate about how I will behave indefinitely into the future, but drinking is absolutely a problem for me right now. If I keep going like I have been, my life will absolutely fall apart.
-j
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Hi Job and welcome. I made it through your story and I'm glad you shared it. I could relate to a lot of it.
I went from a "normal" drinker who maybe drank a couple of times a year to a full blown physically dependent on alcohol or experience violent withdrawal symptoms alcoholic in just 3.5 years . I was horrified at how quickly it got hold of me but I now know that it is progressive in nature and it progresses at different rates on different people.
Nobody here is going to "label" you. That is something we have to find out for ourselves but you will find lots of support in your quest to stop in 2007. I think that is a great start and I wish you much success with that.
I hope you will post more and read. Many people here suggest reading a book called Under the Influence. Apparently it is great for helping you understand about alcohol and how it affects those that are "normal" versus those like us who find ourselves drinking more and more.
Hugs,
Kellye
I went from a "normal" drinker who maybe drank a couple of times a year to a full blown physically dependent on alcohol or experience violent withdrawal symptoms alcoholic in just 3.5 years . I was horrified at how quickly it got hold of me but I now know that it is progressive in nature and it progresses at different rates on different people.
Nobody here is going to "label" you. That is something we have to find out for ourselves but you will find lots of support in your quest to stop in 2007. I think that is a great start and I wish you much success with that.
I hope you will post more and read. Many people here suggest reading a book called Under the Influence. Apparently it is great for helping you understand about alcohol and how it affects those that are "normal" versus those like us who find ourselves drinking more and more.
Hugs,
Kellye
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Bangor, maine
Posts: 78
Job,
I think it should be pretty obvious to you that if you are experiencing physical withdrawel symptoms from alcohol, you are addicted. No one wakes up in the morning and decides it is a good day to be an alcoholic. I didn't.
Chances are that every one you lived with in the communal home in Berkely and your relatives all believe you have a problem with alcohol.
Your GP is wise in advising you not to quit cold turkey. So you have reached a juncture in which drinking makes you sick, and not drinking makes you sick. I'd say that's a problem.
As much as you don't want to hear me say this, and however judgemental or incorrect you may think it is--the real reason I suspect you do not want to believe you are an alcoholic is that admitting that to your parents or anyone else--even yourself--is that you fear having the supply of alcohol interupted. On some level you still want to have a choice.
I drank for months after I --knew-- without a doubt I was an uncontrolable alcoholic. So don't worry, you can too, if you want.
Forgive me if I am all wet on this, but from experience, it does not take care of itself and get better from here.
I think it should be pretty obvious to you that if you are experiencing physical withdrawel symptoms from alcohol, you are addicted. No one wakes up in the morning and decides it is a good day to be an alcoholic. I didn't.
Chances are that every one you lived with in the communal home in Berkely and your relatives all believe you have a problem with alcohol.
Your GP is wise in advising you not to quit cold turkey. So you have reached a juncture in which drinking makes you sick, and not drinking makes you sick. I'd say that's a problem.
As much as you don't want to hear me say this, and however judgemental or incorrect you may think it is--the real reason I suspect you do not want to believe you are an alcoholic is that admitting that to your parents or anyone else--even yourself--is that you fear having the supply of alcohol interupted. On some level you still want to have a choice.
I drank for months after I --knew-- without a doubt I was an uncontrolable alcoholic. So don't worry, you can too, if you want.
Forgive me if I am all wet on this, but from experience, it does not take care of itself and get better from here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 15
Kellye D -- Yah, that was my biggest shock. I always thought it would take decades to reach the kind of physical dependence that I seem to have. Oh well. Live and learn I guess...
Stormtooth -- that point is well taken, and believe me, I have not written off that way of thinking about my problem. I think the whole "alcohol as a disease" worldview is a little bit too eager to abstract from a built up physical dependency (which I definitely have, which makes perfect sense and will happen to anyone given enough drinking over enough time), to ascribing this innate 'property' of myself--as though the fact that I have drunk myself into physical dependence a couple of times says something concretely about me and it is somehow settled that I will do this again whenever I drink from now till forever.
I'm not saying that's wrong, I'm just saying its skeptical. And I appreciate everyone else's experience and the wisdom that the AA "powerless over alcohol" idea seems to offer, but I'm the kind of person that really has to learn things on my own.
And I am terribly aware that what I just said rather indicates that I am an alcoholic. I don't know. I got a lot of time ahead of me and I'm feeling really good about the changes I'm starting to make in my life.
So, an update:
Day 1 was yesterday, followed the strange advice of the doctor, took half an ativan in the afternoon, drank 4 beers ending around 12am, and took a whole ativan around 3am. fell asleep easily, did not toss and turn and have iching skin like i have every night for the last couple of weeks.
Woke up feeling kind of groggy and nauseas. Took another half pill as her suggestion, that did not help things really, but it did take my anxiety away. Don't think I'll throw up, but its like its hanging out right there at the bottom of my throat. Also I have a soar throat. All in all, not that bad.
So its weird, I don't even feel any sort of active determination to see this through or self encouragement. Its like...decided, I am doing it so much it may as well already be done.
I'll keep you guys posted. Thanks for the replies.
-job
Stormtooth -- that point is well taken, and believe me, I have not written off that way of thinking about my problem. I think the whole "alcohol as a disease" worldview is a little bit too eager to abstract from a built up physical dependency (which I definitely have, which makes perfect sense and will happen to anyone given enough drinking over enough time), to ascribing this innate 'property' of myself--as though the fact that I have drunk myself into physical dependence a couple of times says something concretely about me and it is somehow settled that I will do this again whenever I drink from now till forever.
I'm not saying that's wrong, I'm just saying its skeptical. And I appreciate everyone else's experience and the wisdom that the AA "powerless over alcohol" idea seems to offer, but I'm the kind of person that really has to learn things on my own.
And I am terribly aware that what I just said rather indicates that I am an alcoholic. I don't know. I got a lot of time ahead of me and I'm feeling really good about the changes I'm starting to make in my life.
So, an update:
Day 1 was yesterday, followed the strange advice of the doctor, took half an ativan in the afternoon, drank 4 beers ending around 12am, and took a whole ativan around 3am. fell asleep easily, did not toss and turn and have iching skin like i have every night for the last couple of weeks.
Woke up feeling kind of groggy and nauseas. Took another half pill as her suggestion, that did not help things really, but it did take my anxiety away. Don't think I'll throw up, but its like its hanging out right there at the bottom of my throat. Also I have a soar throat. All in all, not that bad.
So its weird, I don't even feel any sort of active determination to see this through or self encouragement. Its like...decided, I am doing it so much it may as well already be done.
I'll keep you guys posted. Thanks for the replies.
-job
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by CarolD 
i suggest checking out some AA Open Meetings.
You do not have to be an alcoholic to attend.
Just go and listen.
Welcome to SR!
You do not have to be an alcoholic to attend.
Just go and listen.
Welcome to SR!
-j
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Bangor, maine
Posts: 78
Hi Job,
Thanks for answering.
On really difficult nights I will take excedrin pm.
I will not quibble about definitions here. What makes it at least a behavioral disease, is that I drank to the point I drank enough that alcohol had crossed the line to being poison, and it didn't matter. I still drank knowing that i was poisoning myself.
Never even mind the life consequences, or even the doctor telling me every withdrawal would be potentialy lethal.
To me, that is a disease, just like someone with anorexia, or any other compulsion which was blatantly self destructive. My last binge and the last time I had any alcohol over a year ago, my only plan in life was drink the bottle in my hand and get another bottle when i ran out.
Nothing else existed. I don't know about you, but I was a full blown addict of alcohol and thought it was funny I had found the perfect way to kill myself where no one could overtly stop me.
The DT's after this binge were no fun either.
So I am speaking to you from my own experience, which is why I worry about being off the mark with someone else. However in a book I read called: What You Can Change and What You Can't the statement is made that everyone starts out with alcohol as an individual. In the end they all end up the same.
The further someone is in the process of dying from alcohol consumption, whether from medical complications like liver diseaese, enlarged heart, or neural damage, the more similar they have become to everyone else.
If you are lucky enough to catch this before it becomes life threatening, before it becomes an ugly game of life and death, I would urge you to think carefully about it.
Thanks for answering.
On really difficult nights I will take excedrin pm.
I will not quibble about definitions here. What makes it at least a behavioral disease, is that I drank to the point I drank enough that alcohol had crossed the line to being poison, and it didn't matter. I still drank knowing that i was poisoning myself.
Never even mind the life consequences, or even the doctor telling me every withdrawal would be potentialy lethal.
To me, that is a disease, just like someone with anorexia, or any other compulsion which was blatantly self destructive. My last binge and the last time I had any alcohol over a year ago, my only plan in life was drink the bottle in my hand and get another bottle when i ran out.
Nothing else existed. I don't know about you, but I was a full blown addict of alcohol and thought it was funny I had found the perfect way to kill myself where no one could overtly stop me.
The DT's after this binge were no fun either.
So I am speaking to you from my own experience, which is why I worry about being off the mark with someone else. However in a book I read called: What You Can Change and What You Can't the statement is made that everyone starts out with alcohol as an individual. In the end they all end up the same.
The further someone is in the process of dying from alcohol consumption, whether from medical complications like liver diseaese, enlarged heart, or neural damage, the more similar they have become to everyone else.
If you are lucky enough to catch this before it becomes life threatening, before it becomes an ugly game of life and death, I would urge you to think carefully about it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 20
You know Job I sort of thought the same thing as you about the meetings being held in a church as well. Funny thing is though it doesn't matter at all really. AA is not about God in the sense of the Christian religion, but moreso a higher power than yourself that you can feel good about. Life changes seldom come in the wink of an eye. I have been a searching agnostic for as long as I can remember and have begun to make steps in following Christ. That is for me though. Not you or anyone else that isn't ready. No matter what you "believe" in you have to wonder about some of the complexities in nature and how it all came to be. (whatever label you want to put on it)
Creationism, or Evolution it doesn't matter to us AA'ers, as long as you find what YOU'RE looking for, and honestly it's no ones business at the meetings as to "what" your higher power is.
Point is that the church is just the place they meet and that's it. If it was held in a gym it wouldn't make a lick of difference as far as the content of AA.
Here's hoping that you find your way to deal with your issue, and many thoughts of good luck on your journey.
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe
Creationism, or Evolution it doesn't matter to us AA'ers, as long as you find what YOU'RE looking for, and honestly it's no ones business at the meetings as to "what" your higher power is.
Point is that the church is just the place they meet and that's it. If it was held in a gym it wouldn't make a lick of difference as far as the content of AA.
Here's hoping that you find your way to deal with your issue, and many thoughts of good luck on your journey.
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Stormtooth
Hi Job,
If you are lucky enough to catch this before it becomes life threatening, before it becomes an ugly game of life and death, I would urge you to think carefully about it.
If you are lucky enough to catch this before it becomes life threatening, before it becomes an ugly game of life and death, I would urge you to think carefully about it.
So it puts me in a strange tension with myself. I feel really proud that I recognize that I drink too much and that its not okay to go through life with a clouded mind all day every day and a drunken mind all night every night. i want myself back! you know? but I'm also disappointed in myself and down on myself for living like this for so long, I feel like the world's stupidest person, to waste so much of such a small amount of time in this ****** up mysterious uncanny ******* acid-trip of an existence we call life. (seriously, i love it here.)
as far as real hardcore alcohol addiction, gauging by volume, I just don't have that. You know, like bad hand tremors? Seizures...those certainly don't happen when I stop drinking. Its just that I have what I assume is some sort of anxiety disorder, and when I'm drinking or hung over it goes through the ROOF. Every time I try to stop drinking, I notice the earliest onset of any withdrawal stage that I've read about, and I'm absolutely positive that I will get life threatening withdrawals.
People like me should not read medical websites.
anyway, I'm not sure what my point is. I guess to summarize: 1. I am not willing to continue to drink alcohol because I can't tollerate what it does to my body and mind without losing sanity for much longer. 2. I am not willing to consider whether or not I will drink again in the future. 3. I am not willing to drink for a long time, and 4. At some point, I will attempt to drink like a normal person.
Re: 4. Am I just stupid? Maybe....
-j
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by hoeboe
Point is that the church is just the place they meet and that's it. If it was held in a gym it wouldn't make a lick of difference as far as the content of AA.
Can anyone recommend recovery meetings that are not through AA, or not 12 step programs?
-J
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Bangor, maine
Posts: 78
Hi Job,
I didn't mean to lay down the scare tactics and make you uncomfortable. I put in opinions as much to see my own words as to give other people my opinion.
My personal history is one of drinking with meals and special occassions from as early as i had dinner and can remember it. i remmeber quite clearly at the age of three my mom giving my brother and i alcohol during thunderstorms so we'd stay calm. She of cousrse was terrified and drinking like a fish.
Then through out elementary school she would make drinks when we came home from school.
The booze really started to take off around 14 when i got into booze and drugs. That was during the permssive days of the 70's. After college in the early 80's minimaly i drank myself to sleep every night with never any less than 5 beers or half a pint of liquor--just to feel like i could go to sleep. 25 years of that.
I was functional with "heavy" drinking on the weeke ends. During one summer after my 1st year in collge at the age of 18 i was consuming ten beers a night as the normal i'll just watch tv and chill.
By the time I was no longer functional i was consuming over a 5th of rum a day and sometimes 2.
So maybe the comparison is not that analogous.
So yeah, it was going to kill me pretty soon. That's the angle I am coming from.
I didn't mean to lay down the scare tactics and make you uncomfortable. I put in opinions as much to see my own words as to give other people my opinion.
My personal history is one of drinking with meals and special occassions from as early as i had dinner and can remember it. i remmeber quite clearly at the age of three my mom giving my brother and i alcohol during thunderstorms so we'd stay calm. She of cousrse was terrified and drinking like a fish.
Then through out elementary school she would make drinks when we came home from school.
The booze really started to take off around 14 when i got into booze and drugs. That was during the permssive days of the 70's. After college in the early 80's minimaly i drank myself to sleep every night with never any less than 5 beers or half a pint of liquor--just to feel like i could go to sleep. 25 years of that.
I was functional with "heavy" drinking on the weeke ends. During one summer after my 1st year in collge at the age of 18 i was consuming ten beers a night as the normal i'll just watch tv and chill.
By the time I was no longer functional i was consuming over a 5th of rum a day and sometimes 2.
So maybe the comparison is not that analogous.
So yeah, it was going to kill me pretty soon. That's the angle I am coming from.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 15
yeah dude, for sure.
that sounds really difficult to live through. It's good to see you on the other side, even if i don't know you! :-)
I am definitely here for the opinions though, so I welcome whatever you have to share.
-j
that sounds really difficult to live through. It's good to see you on the other side, even if i don't know you! :-)
I am definitely here for the opinions though, so I welcome whatever you have to share.
-j
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Hey Job ----
Where to start? What comes first...the chicken or the egg....? hmmmmm There were a couple of things that you said that caught my attention, and I wanted to address them (now, if I can remember them; I KNEW I shoulds taken notes....lol)
You wrote, in response to CarolD's suggestion that you try some Open AA Meetings.....: "yah, i'm definitely thinking about this... it would be nice to go to one that wasn't hosted at a church, and i can't find any around here."
Although a lot of meetings may be held in churches, they are definitely NOT 'hosted' by the churches. AA groups rent/lease space for their meetings, and churches are always willing.....In fact, most of my early meetings in AA were held in churches, and they were Atheist/Agnostic groups..... (o:
You also wrote: "as far as real hardcore alcohol addiction, gauging by volume, I just don't have that."
For me, and most of the folks I know in recovery, it had nothing to do with the amount of alcohol.....I was an alcoholic because I couldn't guarantee what would happen once I (started) had one drink; I couldn't even guess what might happen.....usually what happened was the furthest from my mind...(I can't tell you how many movies I missed while having one more drink before the movie's scheduled start time......lol
One thing I love about AA (perhaps not about the member, but AA as a whole) is that no one gets to define any of the words for you (although they will try; I've just learned to ignore them; like the folks who, 20 years ago, always kept saying to me that I was a relapse waiting to happen-----didn't happen!; in fact, they relapsed, and unfortunately, some of them never made it back to recovery and died 'out there')....whether it be alcoholic, addict, drinking problem, sanity, recovery.....it's all up to you....as well as the redovery work....lol
Well, I guess that's my epistle for the night.....hang in there Job; keep an open mind; you might just be amazed with what happens, in time.... (o:
NoelleR
DOS: 6/23/86
Where to start? What comes first...the chicken or the egg....? hmmmmm There were a couple of things that you said that caught my attention, and I wanted to address them (now, if I can remember them; I KNEW I shoulds taken notes....lol)
You wrote, in response to CarolD's suggestion that you try some Open AA Meetings.....: "yah, i'm definitely thinking about this... it would be nice to go to one that wasn't hosted at a church, and i can't find any around here."
Although a lot of meetings may be held in churches, they are definitely NOT 'hosted' by the churches. AA groups rent/lease space for their meetings, and churches are always willing.....In fact, most of my early meetings in AA were held in churches, and they were Atheist/Agnostic groups..... (o:
You also wrote: "as far as real hardcore alcohol addiction, gauging by volume, I just don't have that."
For me, and most of the folks I know in recovery, it had nothing to do with the amount of alcohol.....I was an alcoholic because I couldn't guarantee what would happen once I (started) had one drink; I couldn't even guess what might happen.....usually what happened was the furthest from my mind...(I can't tell you how many movies I missed while having one more drink before the movie's scheduled start time......lol
One thing I love about AA (perhaps not about the member, but AA as a whole) is that no one gets to define any of the words for you (although they will try; I've just learned to ignore them; like the folks who, 20 years ago, always kept saying to me that I was a relapse waiting to happen-----didn't happen!; in fact, they relapsed, and unfortunately, some of them never made it back to recovery and died 'out there')....whether it be alcoholic, addict, drinking problem, sanity, recovery.....it's all up to you....as well as the redovery work....lol
Well, I guess that's my epistle for the night.....hang in there Job; keep an open mind; you might just be amazed with what happens, in time.... (o:
NoelleR
DOS: 6/23/86
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 15
man, what a trip. i started reading "under the influence" today and i just wanted to share something with you guys that really tripped me out.
"Something completely different happens when the early-stage alcoholic drinks. Alcoholics in the early, adaptive stage also show improvement of functioning as the blood alcohol level beings to rise. [...] Only when the alcoholic stops drinking and his BAL descends, does his performance deteriorate--and it does so very rapidly (58-9)."
and it shows this chart, "physiological and psychological functioning" plotted against "performance over time" for three lines: early alcoholic, BAL, and non alcoholic. the early alcoholic and non alcoholic meet briefly where the non alcoholic arcs and beings to descend on a bell curve, whereas the early alcoholic's performance continues to increase as the blood alcohol content increases. when the blood alcohol content decreases, the nonalcoholic's performance increases on the same arc, and the early alcoholic's performance decreases rapidly.
reading that paragraph and looking at this graph seriously blew my ******* mind right now. i hope it's okay to say *******, i know it gets covered over with stars... i just hope the stars don't offend people. anyway, i think this is where i was with my drinking during my last semester at college. i rarely went to class because i was too hungover or it was too early, and i never really learned much at class anyway... i usually slept through class, got up for work, got home from work to eat dinner, did a little bit of homework sober. then i started drinking, you know, slowly, a couple of beers to start off with, then like one every hour or so, while i continued to do my homework.
funny thing is, i did fairly well that semester. not better than i did in the past when i was sober, but still easily in the top 85% of my upper division courses at a highly competitive, difficult university. i never really paid attention to my drinking, i always just thought it was kind of fun and it relaxed me while i concerned myself with my studies.
i also remember this one time very specifically, i had a 15 page paper due in the morning, it was around 6pm, and i had only outlined it and written 2 or 3 pages. so i went to my office (i did most of my work at the office i had for job, which was closed for business when i went there), and started plugging away at it. i got frustrated after a couple of hours, i didn't know how to say what i wanted to say, and my arguments weren't nearly as cohesive and strong as they usually are. well i said "**** this i need a break," so i drove down to 7-11, got a six pack, and snuck it back into my work. i started drinking while i wrote the paper, and after an hour or so ideas started rushing to me, i knew exactly what i wanted to say, and i knew where to find support for it in the text i was writing about.
i got it back with an A-. no harm, no foul, i figured. and this became my "new way" for writing papers.
and now it seems explained physiologically by this book. jeez.
-j
"Something completely different happens when the early-stage alcoholic drinks. Alcoholics in the early, adaptive stage also show improvement of functioning as the blood alcohol level beings to rise. [...] Only when the alcoholic stops drinking and his BAL descends, does his performance deteriorate--and it does so very rapidly (58-9)."
and it shows this chart, "physiological and psychological functioning" plotted against "performance over time" for three lines: early alcoholic, BAL, and non alcoholic. the early alcoholic and non alcoholic meet briefly where the non alcoholic arcs and beings to descend on a bell curve, whereas the early alcoholic's performance continues to increase as the blood alcohol content increases. when the blood alcohol content decreases, the nonalcoholic's performance increases on the same arc, and the early alcoholic's performance decreases rapidly.
reading that paragraph and looking at this graph seriously blew my ******* mind right now. i hope it's okay to say *******, i know it gets covered over with stars... i just hope the stars don't offend people. anyway, i think this is where i was with my drinking during my last semester at college. i rarely went to class because i was too hungover or it was too early, and i never really learned much at class anyway... i usually slept through class, got up for work, got home from work to eat dinner, did a little bit of homework sober. then i started drinking, you know, slowly, a couple of beers to start off with, then like one every hour or so, while i continued to do my homework.
funny thing is, i did fairly well that semester. not better than i did in the past when i was sober, but still easily in the top 85% of my upper division courses at a highly competitive, difficult university. i never really paid attention to my drinking, i always just thought it was kind of fun and it relaxed me while i concerned myself with my studies.
i also remember this one time very specifically, i had a 15 page paper due in the morning, it was around 6pm, and i had only outlined it and written 2 or 3 pages. so i went to my office (i did most of my work at the office i had for job, which was closed for business when i went there), and started plugging away at it. i got frustrated after a couple of hours, i didn't know how to say what i wanted to say, and my arguments weren't nearly as cohesive and strong as they usually are. well i said "**** this i need a break," so i drove down to 7-11, got a six pack, and snuck it back into my work. i started drinking while i wrote the paper, and after an hour or so ideas started rushing to me, i knew exactly what i wanted to say, and i knew where to find support for it in the text i was writing about.
i got it back with an A-. no harm, no foul, i figured. and this became my "new way" for writing papers.
and now it seems explained physiologically by this book. jeez.
-j
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
