Cynay

Well .... Im not sure what is best for you....

But I can tell you what works for me. First I would have to ask, what kind of life is there for me.... is it the kind of life that is best for me and my daughter?... then I would have to ask myself what kind of boyfriend is that anyway.... one that feeds an addiction that is going to kill me? Is that what I want my daughter to grow up in???? Next I would have to ask myself ...hurmm even if I get into the Master's program... how long will I be able to pull off this sham before the drug takes over and I cant even think this straight. Would I be able to to actually function in the program if I get much worse???? Is there the same program where I am now since being here is keeping me sober?

I guess that is how I would have to look at it and the questions I would ask myself..... whatdoya think????

Why cant you stay where things are working for you?

laurience

Crazy..
You don't sound so crazy afterall.. lol... You sound like a very intelligent and caring woman who has a horrible addiction.. You will be fine.. breathe, pray, post, scream, run, journal. Do whathever but just don't use.
Joanne

best

Wow
With the background of recovery and the issues that addiction teach...I m sure you will make for a wonderful counselor. Yes that would make for a prize winning cucumber for sure.

crazymarble

Progressive. Yeah, you're right, it sure is. So I'm thinking that it wasn't just that big left turn I took last year, it was slowing coming on all this time. Funny 'cause I never noticed it, not until 2004 when a fun night out just wasn't a fun night out without cocaine. While I was on a year-long bender, the drug use started right before I got pregnant, stopped as soon as I found out about her, restarted the day I stopped breastfeeding, etc., In short, it's been on and off for two years, wide open for one year. I just tip toed right into the danger zone, then I got a lawnchair and decided to stick around a while. How stupid.

You've got young ones too. Has your life changed since you opted for sobriety? How do you feel about things?

And thank you for the support, I need it, I admit I need it. Just typing away here has taken my mind off the cravings and now, while, now the feeling seems to have passed. What a relief.

chicago

wow thats what im feeling right now. i came back from a meeting at 9pm to find the lock on my door was broke. so my neighbor, this 22-year old girl, let me hang in her apartment while the engineer came to fix it. she's "normal" and was asking where i go out at night to have drinks. i told her i had stopped drinking because it was interfering with work...but i didnt mention anything about AA. she asked how long its been since ive drank. i said "uhhh several months" when the truth is its been over 10 months. she was absolutely stunned. she goes "dont you ever feel like letting off steam?" i privately laughed to myself. im 26 and clean cut, she would never in a million years suspect that if i had one single drink i would undoubtably do heroin again. for that matter i dont think anyone outside of AA just meeting me would believe that i used to do heroin. so this little situation was very unique, kinda left me wanting to not be an alcoholic, so in this situation i need to pray to God and turn everything over. God works in my life so much today i just need to keep trying to turn things over to him. just the fact that outsiders wouldnt ever guess i was a junkie means the program is working because a year ago it was obvious to anyone and everyone that i was a **** up.

scootinbabe

has my life changed? well, i can remember most of it now-lol! beyond that, i have more patience with my kids. i can feel true emotions--enjoy pure moments of bliss with them, real pride--nothing is filtered through some distorting screen of mindnumbness. it's nice.

i think i'm a little more consistent all around with them. i also don't have the shame, guilt and worry. i don't feel bad going to school reeking of alcohol or worried that i might drink too much around other parents at some social event. it's much more relaxed in that way.

but i tried many times to quit "for my kids" didn't work. this time i thought i might even lose my kids and that wouldn't even matter unless i had myself. i had to do this for myself. don't know if that makes any sense to you but i think that is one of pivotal things that made me reach outside for help.

best

At my high point or low point...how ever you look at it*LOL*
My youngest was 16. Four total...16, 18, 20, 22.
The 18 year old would have knocked my lights out if he thought he could get away with it. Disowned and gave away all respect. Had none from the two youngest. Minimal from the oldest boy and my daughter...the oldest just said..stuff happens grow up dad.
Well I grew up and changed. Became sober in spirit as i was already sober in body. Marriage healed, teenagers started showing respect (earned respect).
I can honestly say that the past 6 years have been the best of my whole marriage and the best of my relationships with my children.
Yes well worth every effort to get sober. We can become better cucumbers.

crazymarble

Brother, that's a funny story. Look how much you've changed. Temptations, temptations .. suppose they go on indefinetly. You should keep that before and after picture up on the fridge, or perhaps you've already got the photo in your mind. Congrats on kicking. My old roomie, and still my friend, has struggled for years and years and years with that. She lived with me right after my daughter was born. It was hard to see her so strung out, leaving every morning for Starbucks so she could shoot up with this girl she hung out with. I kept my addiction hidden until the end, until I was high and spun out that it was as obvious as the sun hanging in the sky.

You inspire me Chicago. Keep going.

crazymarble

Best and Scootinbabe. I worried about losing my daughter's respect. And you know what, I did. I'm working on it right now. She's only two but she knew mama wasn't dependable. If you can turn teenagers around Best, I can turn around a toddler. Sounds to me like your kids are reaping the benefits of your hard work, as well as yourselves. I feel that way too. I take her to the park and I'm seeing her have fun, I'm seeing her, I'm not thinking about going to the car or the bathroom to refresh myself. She was chasing birds the other day and I was laughing, the sun shining on my face, joy the way it's meant to be felt -- sober. How wonderful. I'm starting to love her more than ever. She's no longer an obstacle in my way of me.

You know, part of my addiction came out of a series of very hard blows (no pun intended) to my spirit. Let me tell you kinda quickly 'cause I need to go to bed soon.

I was a journalist for many years. I lost my job after months and months battling with an editor who hated me. It took a toll on me because I love the work, it was the first time I stopped believing in myself. I guess that started it, or more to the point it lit the fuse. I was married to an ex-con. I loved the guy but we had a tumultuous relationship. There was domestic violence involved. He went to jail, I bailed him out, etc., He went to jail again. I started cheating on him, got pregnant, kicked him out. Then he goes back to robbing places, he's using crack, he's coming to my house and stealing everything for drug money. Eventually he got picked up and is now serving life near the Salton Sea.

My daughter was born two months early and nearly died of sepsis. She spent two months in the NICU. Horrible, horrible things. And of all things, her father turns out to be an emotionally abusive jagoff. Enter the drugs and here I am. We all have a life story and I'm sharing a snapshot of mine just so you all know why I think I got so strung out. I just couldn't handle life anymore. I guess I was afraid and directionless.

I'm rambling. I have to retire for the night. I'll check the board in the morning. Thank you all, thank you so much.

crazymarble

I am a bit crazy, you can call me that, no offence, I named myself. LOL. I was always a hell raiser too. We look for hell, eventually you find it. Oh, my daughter will be two on March 1. We've both got a lot on our plates, far too much to be feeding addictions. Celebrate the holidays they way they were meant to be celebrated -- clean. Think about what the holidays mean, what they really mean. You've got two little ones looking to you to create a tradition, do it and enjoy it without being drunk. I missed a lot already, I bet you did too.

There's a picture next to me right now, it's of my daughter's first birthday. I was high. How awful. In fact, every picture I have of her, just about, I was high. Don't do it again.

Hope

I remember the days when cocaine was fun for me. Then I crossed the line and I didn't realize that I was an addict. In 2004, I had not lost anything nor suffered any consequences. But, once I did the first line, I couldn't stop until it was all gone. I was in denial that I was an addict.

I tried to quit in late '04, however I tried to quit on my own with no outside help.
Fast forward to now-- my addiction progressed into a full-blown addiction for 2 years and I suffered many consequences and lost a lot as a result.
Along the way, my drinking got out of control too creating more chaos in my life.

Now I am doing things differently- I am working a recovery program and working on piecing my broken life back together.

Cocaine and alcohol destroyed me. I almost flunked out of college,
spent thousands of dollars, got in trouble with the law on an alcohol charge, and had lost all hope. I was hurting so bad inside. Since my addiction, I had not accomplished anything or done anything with my life.

I remember the night of my last binge. I couldn't see any way out.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to die but I didn't want to live this way. I had to surrender. I have since been in NA/AA and it has helped me. So has SR. It has been a valuable part of my recovery.

I am very early in recovery and it is pretty much a one day at a time thing.

I know you can do it. We are all here for you!

scootinbabe

hi cm! a journalist eh? have you read Caroline Knapp's "Drinking: A Love Story"? i read it when it first came out in 1997. it should tell you something that i bought the book and immediately hid it...this being nearly 10 years ago and i was beginning to suspect but not willing to accept that i had a problem.

anyhoo--she was a journalist for the Phoenix(?) newspaper. i haven't read the book since and at the time i thought i couldn't relate to it (ha!) but i may try to read it again.

thought you, being a journalist, might be interested.

there are many books on alcoholism written by journalists out there. hmmm, part of the romance of the profession, perhaps?

earlybird

Im not understanding how you can say the first statement about the "God-awful" relationship with your sociopathic boyfriend,....and then go on to say that you hope you can resist temptation when you go home to your boyfriend and he offers you coke. Why would you continue on in a "god-awful",...drug-fueled,...destructive situation such as this relationship? Seems to me that you should atleast know that you absolutely,....ABSOLUTELY....need to cut off all contact with ALL using friends, boyfriends,..and other associates before you EVER have a chance at recovering at all. Recovery rates have always been rather low,...and I am convinced that one of the biggest reasons for that is the fact that most addicts refuse to do ALL the things they NEED to do.

chicago

uhhh cuz she's an addict! we do things all the time that we know we shouldnt. it doesnt just have to be drugs. it can be relationships...anything. we do things we know arent good for us or healthy. thats why we need a 12-step program because left to our devices we're screwed.

TamTam

Hi, CM- welcome to SR. I too have been drinking since 13. Now at 43 it has just gotten out of control. Today I can say I'm 16 days sober and I absolutely could not have done it without being a part of these forums. There are amazing people here.
Glad your here!

crazymarble

My boyfriend and I share a child so it's not as easy to bow out. I fancy myself a strong person. I should be able to do what's best for me even if it's hard. I trying to get moving on positive steps forward, no time for looking back. A recovery program is vital, I know this. I plan to attend meetings in Los Angeles. I told the boyfriend not to bring anything home, nor offer me anything. He claims he's not using but I know better. I don't care what he does as long as it's not in my face. I'm worried about me and my daughter, not him.

Thanks Chicago for pointing out the obvious, I'm a drug addict, I've done a lot of **** that's not good for me or otherwise I'd not be in this forum.

I just heard that cocaine song on the radio, what a stupid song. Didn't make me want drugs, made me think how childish the song is.