Wharf Rat

I am 8 days sober today! I attended meetings last week and plan on going to one tonight. Everything is going well, and I am feeling much better (expect for the fact I got a speeding ticket yesterday and thats stressing me out)...

I know its time that I start thinking about certain things that will be vital to my survival. I got a home-group on Saturday, and now its time to look for a sponsor.

This is the hardest thing for me. I don't know how to approach another guy and say, "Hey will you help me?"..This just seems like such a big decision. I need to know what to look for in a sponsor. Should it be someone I have things in common with? Someone I know? A strict sponsor? What if they say no?

Please any suggestion would be appreciated..

CarolD

Good for you!


I suggest you look for.. in meetings...on the free literature rack

the Alcoholics Anonymous, pamphlet;
"Questions & Answers on Sponsorship"


That is be the best guideline for anyone

Blessings

Jersey Nonny

Often, at discussion meetings, they will ask if there is anyone new...that would give you an opportunity to let them know you are new and needing a sponsor. Pay close attention to the way men share (either at closed or open meetings)...you can often tell the quality of their sobriety by the things they say.

It should be someone who has a year or two of continued sobriety...

the only thing you need to have in common is your alcoholism and a desire to stay sober...

maybe someone you know (a friend?) would not be a good idea (better to start fresh with someone who will get to know you)...

you probably won't know right away if he is strict or lenient (notice I said he, but you're already aware your sponsor should be another man)...

if he says, "No", don't take it personally (let it be a lesson in humility), because he may already be sponsoring a couple of people and be honest enough to know he can't devote the necessary time to you...

you may even ask him if he could suggest someone else who would be able to sponsor you...

remember, even a temporary sponsor is better than none at all...

and, sponsorship is not like a marriage, "til death do us part" (it's always possible, if things don't work out between you and your sponsor, to pick another sponsor)...

be prepared, as often happens, that a sponsor may pick you (someone may come up to you at a meeting and offer to be your sponsor).

Whatever happens...keep looking...and, until you find someone (or he finds you), keep posting here at SR and asking questions. There will always be someone here with suggestions or be able to steer you in a good direction. Oh, that just reminded me...I've been told GOD stands for Good Orderly Direction...and, I'm sure your Higher Power will help you find a suitable sponsor.

1_day@_a_time

"It should be someone who has a year or two of continued sobriety..."

AND STRONGLY SUGGESTED THEY HAVE COMPLETED THE 12 STEPS!!!!!!

Jersey Nonny

Quote:

AND STRONGLY SUGGESTED THEY HAVE COMPLETED THE 12 STEPS!!!!!!

Hmmmmn...please tell me where that is written...in my 27 years of continued sobriety, I must have missed it in the literature.

I don't think sponsors come with report cards or affidavits...it's been my experience that it's best to go by those who "walk the walk" rather than those who "talk the talk". Anyone can tell you how diligently they have completed the steps (often over and over again)...but, do they live the program? Do they "practice these principals in all our affairs"? That would be the best criteria for choosing a sponsor...JMHO.

Sugah

We have a temporary sponsor list at my homegroup (one for males, one for females) of people willing to sponsor newcomers. If they're interested, they can request the names and phone numbers (we still independently pass a meeting list around the table to collect male or female #'s for the newcomer), and they can "interview", if you will, potential sponsors.

We don't have a recommened length of sobriety if a home group member requests to be put on the list. We also don't require that they have worked the whole way through the steps, but we do strongly encourage that they've finished 4-7 and have begun serious work on 8 & 9. In our discussions, it has been expressed that folks shouldn't take on the job of helping someone stay sober until they have faced their own shortcomings.

Getting back to the original post, it is an honor to be asked to sponsor, and a good one will not take on more than he can handle. Common interests aren't necessary. My husband is an attorney, and his first two sponsors were bikers. I'm a writer, a student and a mother, and my sponsor is in the restaurant business, is younger than I am, and just had her first child. She is a Christian and I am a mystic (for want of a better label). But she had what I needed: a twinkle in her eye, a foundation in the Big Book, and a willingness to share the miracle of her sobriety.

Congratulations on your eight days! You should be through the rough physical part, and it sounds like you're willing to do what it takes to keep from having to do it all over again. How about talking to your fellow home group members and asking them who they might suggest you ask? In the meantime, ask for phone numbers at every meeting you attend and use them!! Call just to say hello, even if things are going well. If you get in the habit of using the phone when you feel good, then it makes it easier later on to use it when you don't.

Hope that helped!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Astro

Awesome thoughts from raerob and Sugah!

I've been through three sponsors in under two years. Listen to people share and select a sponsor who has the qualities you want. And as it's been mentioned, you can have more than one sponsor and you can always try a different one if your sponsor isn't working out for you.

It is indeed an honor and a privilege and to sponsor someone. We have lists hanging up at our meeting room, and we also ask for a show of hands from those that are available to sponsor. I found my sponsors at the coffee shop, where we have our "meeting after the meeting". As for my sponsees, they tried other people and then called me when they noticed I had a peace about me that they wanted. There is no formula to selecting a sponsor, just do it any way that makes you feel comfortable.

Take your time. Sobriety and recovery is not a race. Look at this time as the beginning of the rest of your life. Your sponsors will always be there to share their sobriety with you.

1_day@_a_time

Don't believe you will find I made any mention of where it is written.

Why would you want a sponsor who has not worked all 12 steps?

What happens when the sponsee passes the sponsor on his/her step work, what would the sponsor have to offer then?

Such a simple suggestion.............perhaps you would support it.

Jersey Nonny

Well, WR...it looks as though you have plenty of "food for thought"...best of luck as you find someone with whom you'll be compatible.

Wharf Rat

Thank you for all of the feedback!

Astro- I can't tell you how much sense that "take your time" statement made to me. I have had a few long periods of sobriety in the past, and it seems like I want to fast forward through the first year and get back to the "length" of sobriety that I had! But I am trying to realize now that its not quantity, its quality.

I will keep you guys updated on my sponsor situation. Thanks again for caring..

Astro

Well I'll be darned, somebody actually got something out of what I shared.
I've always heard that happened, but never could drill it into my thick skull

Good luck to you, WR. You'll do just fine.

Jersey Nonny

It may surprise you to know, that I have never asked a prospective sponsor where they were in their step work...nor has anyone ever asked me.

BTW...we were called "pigeons" (someone you take under your wing) back in the day...the expression "sponsee" (no such word in the dictionary) was coined by NA and fairly recently picked up by AA. Apparently, some overly-sensitive folks resented being referred to as "dirty birds".

1_day@_a_time

Such a simple suggestion.............perhaps you would support it.

A sponsors "job" is to take you thru the steps.

Why would you want someone who has not completed them?

You really didn't address the issue or show your support for such a simple suggestion.

Astro

I agree with you raerob, I've never asked a sponsor where they were in the Steps. It may be important to some people, but for me I've chosen my sponsors because they had a way of living their lives and a spirituality that I wanted. My current sponsor is a single father like myself, and is the calmest,
most soft-spoken, and peaceful person that I noticed at my meetings. That's exactly the type of person I wanted to be.

1_day@_a_time

Candidly...............

R O T F L M A O ! ! ! !

Astro

Maybe, although my first sponsor hadn't completed his at the time he started leading me through them. And at the time, that was perfectly fine with me. His intentions were good, he was honest, and he was a great help to me.

Nobody is responsible for my program or for keeping me sober other than myself. Everyone in recovery is free to work their program in a manner that makes them feel comfortable. The Steps and Traditions are the tools we are given. How we choose to use them is up to us. Progress, not perfection.

1_day@_a_time

LOL...........nope, nobody else is responsible. Never heard me suggest otherwise.

I have noticed most alcoholics have numerous things in common. Among them:

Defiance.

A closed mind.

Over-analyzers. Work I need for myself all day, everyday!

You guys really crack me up!

Just made a simple suggestion.

Get a sponsor who has worked the steps.

Then the debating society shows up. Damned funny stuff.

Jersey Nonny

Glad we're giving you a chuckle, ODAT.

Quote:

You really didn't address the issue or show your support for such a simple suggestion.

I thought I really did address the issue...a simple response for a simple question. I thought it was evident that I did not show support for it, because I simply don't agree with it. No need to belittle the opinions of others

Quote:

the debating society

...everyone is entitled to their opinion.

We obviously have different ideas about the responsibilities of a sponsor...which doesn't mean either of us is any more sober than the other. We all still just do it One Day At A Time.

Astro

What's really coming to my mind here is what I've seen in people that I don't want. Bitterness, unhappiness, misery, and the need for everyone else to approve of the way they work their program. I for one am pretty happy with the way my program is going.

Wharf, my apologies that this has turned into a debate over sponsorship and the Steps. Hopefully the only thing you've walked away with is some helpful suggestions.

1_day@_a_time

So, if someone is looking for a sponsor to lead them thru the steps, you don't think it's best to work with someone who has in fact done the work themselves? They are some what of a role model.

What does it say about a person who has a year or two, but not completed the steps yet?

Around here we announce it like this:

We support sponsorship, please raise you hand if you are willing to sponsor someone, and have completed the steps.

Hey, I'm just a newcomer, what can I say?

Oh, and BTW, when someone has 20+ yrs of sobriety, newcomers tend to look to you for direction & leadership. To not support the SIMPLE suggestion a sponsor has worked the steps, does little to assist the newcomer. It tends to support AA lite. The easier softer way........JUST what an alcoholic rarely needs.