relaxn

OK, I guess it is my turn to share. This is day number seven without getting drunk for me. I did not say day number seven without a drink, I said day number seven without getting drunk, because I cannot have "a" drink. I have to have eight of them before I reach the level that I seek. But once I have eight slugs in me, my brain malfunctions and says that if I feel this good with eight drinks, then surely a couple three more will make me feel way better still. And then I stumble around to make a meal, eat while watching the idiot box, and predictably fall asleep. Time elapsed from first drink to sleep, usually less than three hours. Then wake up a few hours later, maybe pound a couple more shots and stumble into the bed, then wake up a few hours later with an unquenchable thirst. Lovely.

I've been able to get away with this for some time now because I presently live alone. I have a very nice girlfriend for seven years who does not know how bad my drinking had become. I was very good about hiding it from everybody. I don't drive after drinking. I don't call in sick or show up late for work. I organized my life around the bottle and was careful to not do anything to screw up my daily appointment with it. But the liquor took control of me. It wasn't that way in the beginning, and I cannot point back to when the coup took place. But I now know that I am no longer in charge of me when I take a drink. So I must acknowledge my powerlessness and humbly ask God for help and healing that I need so much.

I've been to eight AA meetings in the last seven days, and I am very thankful for AA. I always thought AA was for broke down drunk losers who push a shopping cart around the alleys and sleep under freeway overpasses. Now I know that AA is for drunks like me. A sneaky, slick, professional, accomplished, admired, respected, stand-up guy that nobody would ever think is a drunk. I don't lie, cheat, or steal. I'm a top performer at work and never had a fight with my girlfriend in all our time together. I live by the golden rule as much as possible. I always thought that alcoholism was for other people, not me, I got my act all together. Can't happen to me. Well, was wrong. I'm nothing but a drunk. I never liked going to bars, so I did all my drinking at home. And after a long time of doing it every night, I got addicted. Crap, this wasn't supposed to happen. It was supposed to be just fun and games. But it stopped being fun. And started to hurt.

My first night without alcohol was tough. Emotional warfare raged between the ears. Chest was pounding, heart was racing, skin was sweating. I was scared. I laugh at it now, because I deserved it, but I never want to go through that again. I've been reading recovery websites non-stop since quitting last week, and I know I have a long way to go. I didn't become a drunk in one week, so don't suppose I will be all better in one week either. My body still aches. I had blood taken for some tests today, and tomorrow I will see a gastro-entero doc to see if I have burned out my esophagus. I hope that I don't have any broken or cancerous parts inside me, but I live in fear of that prospect until I can hear from the doctors that I am OK.

One day after putting down the drink I also put away another very close friend - Copenhagen. So I am presently enjoying the withdrawal symptoms of two hideous drugs. Joy. I had a nice 25 year habit of Cope working. For those of you who don't really understand what is inside those icky little round tobacco cans behind the counter at the gas station, let me tell you that they are every bit as strong and addictive as cigarettes, more so if you ask me. And Copenhagen and Skoal are the kings of that evil empire.

Well, that's enough of that. I have rambled and I know it. I hope somebody might get something positive from this. Good luck to YOU in your sobriety!

Martin

TheGirlInside

Thank you for your courage in telling your story.

It sounds like you've got some mental clarity. Keep going to those meetings, and find someone who you can relate to and also who has what you want. I've met some of the most amazing people in AA.

I laughed at the part of your post where you stated... I always thought AA was for broke down drunk losers who push a shopping cart around the alleys and sleep under freeway overpasses.

Didn't we all have such distorted ideas of AA? Who taught us such things, anyway? (could it have been the alcohol industry??...NAW, couldn't be>>>>:beerchug: ). Anyway, I was shocked at my first meeting, too, because I thought Sobriety meant Sober-faced and serious, dam-it! I walked in to a group who were laughing, joking around, and having good, clean fun with one another. That blew my mind, man.

Best of luck to you. If you stick with it, I think you'll find as I have, that The Worst Day with AA is better than the Best Day without it. I changed my definition of the word "fun."

CarolD

..Welcome to our recovery connunity..

Blessings...

Thorn

Our stories have a lot in common, except I'm a chronic relapser. I really hope you can make it in AA on the first go. There's no need to do any more research with the bottle. It hasn't changed and it never will.
It's sounds like your off to a great start. I hope to make an AA meeting tomorrow.

Best wishes to you and welcome to the forum!

T

Anna

Welcome!

There is lots of support and information here.