I am going into denial again..
 

I went to an AA meeting last night. It was o.k. I should of arrived alot earlier because I didn't meet too many people and the lady I did meet seemed in a rush. The speaker was good and I could relate to some of the stuff he said.

I am worried because I know that my mind is playing tricks on me. In the past, I always fell off the wagon after a month or so. I find myself thinking.. ugghh!! It wasn't so bad, I am not an every day drinker, I could control my booze alot of the time blah! blah! blah!.. Maybe I am just a problem drinker etc...

I know were I am headed, I don't know how to change my thought process. I almost wish I was an everyday drinker (not really but you know what I mean) so I would have an easier time staying convinced that I am an alcoholic. You know, I am still not convinced that I am an alcoholic. I am just being brutally honest because it is the only way that I can stay sober.

I am bitchy and edgy.
Joanne

Joanne,

Hang in there.

Try to work on moving forward. Do something every day - physically, mentally and spiritually - to help move your recovery forward. Every day it takes work in all the areas of my life in order to keep on this journey.

But, I would say that it is very hard. And, if you're not convinced you're an alcoholic, then it's going really, really difficult to stay sober.

I think that is just part of the denial. I guess deep down I know that I have a big problem with alcohol. It is still hard for me to say that I am an alcoholic. Deep down, I know I am.
So many emotions lately, I will get through them.
I went for a looonnngg walk with the kids and we went into the forest. It was beautiful and peaceful. I feel better.
Thanks for listening..
Joanne

Joe do a list of all the dumb azz things you've done when drinking before andddddddd after your kids, you'll see non alcoholic people don't do those things, you are one step ahead because you know your mind is playing tricks soooooo my friend you are one step ahead..

I think there is absolutely nothing shameful in pointing out the kind of thoughts many people have.

Lots of people resent that they can not drink like normal people, and they think this time will be different. I have myself convinced sometimes after I graduate from school than everything will be alright.

At least that helps me put it off.

AS long as you have a concious decision in front of you, you are winning a good portion of the battle.