Dom

I will pray for you and your children. I hope things get better very soon, and I am glad you are taking the necessary steps.

osolonely

I now have some protection from the courts as he has bail restrictions saying he cannot come to the house. I so wish all this had never happened, I just want back the man I met not the one that alcohol has produced. Is it the alcohol to blame? or is it just another factor? I don't want to soften but I can feel my resolve going down the drain as I start to feel sorry for him and think about the good times we have had. I know its unlikely he will change so why am I even thinking it? Maybe Ive been so brainwashed for so long that it will take me a little while to realise, I just hope I can stick this out and have a decent future with the kids.

Cindi R

I, too am the child of an alcoholic wifebeater...
I remember vividly my parents fights...
Do you really want to teach your children that this is the way that a relationship "should" be?
Actions speak louder than words...
make him prove to you that he can stop drinking for a good long period of time before you consider taking him back...
and then...no more violence!
Words are cheap...
Promises mean nothing to an alcoholic...
The proof is in the actions!
Demand sobriety and respect for 6 months to a year before you consider letting him weasel his way back into the house....

osolonely

Quick update, had contact with partner and during day the conversation was good, sounded genuine and full of promises, however the call in the evening was strange. I am sure he had been drinking although he denied it. The conversation was different. Perhaps I was paranoid or maybe he really did think he would still lie to me. maybe I would be better with no contact at all but when he is being nice everything is so good between us. I know I am kidding myself but I cant stop feeling this way. Help.

Anna

Please do not lose your resolve.

Your first post talked about your husband having a knife out. This is very serious. Please take care of yourself and your children.

HumblePie4me

I was you 10 years ago and I weakened and he stayed. It is now a 20 year investment of time/life and it is soooo much worse. Add running around with a girlfriend and not coming home for unexplained hours because he will end up doing that too. And it will be "your fault" go figure.

Stay strong and let him go. You and your kids deserve so much more. If you can get the kids (and you) into counseling to help them work through there feelings.

BigSis

Here's a tip I learned here about abusive men:

Actions, not words.
Don't believe what he says, believe what he DOES.

Here's a tip I learned here about the women they abuse:

Actions, not words.
Don't believe what she SAYs she will do, believe what she DOES.


Where are you with this today? Do your actions match your words? When you say "I will not tolerate this any more"... are you DOING anything to show him what you will or will not tolerate?

For me, I kept hearing in my head, "I cannot do this forever... I cannot do this for another year... I cannot do this for even another day."

I was done.

I hope you are, too.


((((hugs)))))

CarolD

Hugs and Prayers for you and your childrens
safety.

Blessings..

Fred

Tigers don't change their stripes. I didn't believe it; I thought he would. Even when you leave them and move thousands of miles away, they know how to get to you. We'll be married 15 years on 11/15. The only good that's come are my daughters. He's out....DO NOT GO BACK!! Move forward and make a great life for you and your kids.
Blessings,
Fred

Morning Glory

osolonely,

When someone drinks like that they can go into a blackout. They do not know what they are doing. He may be crying over your death the next morning instead of making promises.

You may feel sorry for him, but there is nothing you can do to help him. The best thing you can do for him is to put up strong boundaries. Allowing him to keep abusing you is putting you and your children in danger. I know 2 entire families that lost their lives from domestic abuse. The fathers killed their wives and children and then themselves.

It does not matter what he says or how nice he is. He has not done anything to seek help. He will not get well on his own and this will continue no matter what he says. There is no such thing as an overnight magic wand. Thinking that things changed overnight is severe denial of the situation you are in. Ask yourself some questions. What changed since last night that would make him well? Magic? A miracle?

If he wanted to stop drinking and stop his abusive behavior he would have to seek help through counseling and/or an alcohol program of some kind. Even then it takes a long time and a lot of hard work. He may be sincere when he makes promises, but he can't do it without doing something to make the changes. When someone is abusive and controlling they have deep issues that take a lot of time to work through.

It's not going to change right now. Do what you need to do to keep yourself and your children safe.

Hugs,
MG

indigo

Please take care of yourself and your children, he can obviously take care of himself and is not only a bully but an abusive one and it does not get any better.
Be safe indigo

Ann

Abuse follows a cycle, with remorse and kindness being part of the cycle to regain your trust before it happens again. Here are some threads that may help you understand that abuse is progressive and tends to get worse before it ever gets better.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

I volunteer at a women's shelter and have seen what abuse can do, to the woman and also to the children. The saddest thing I ever saw was an 8 year old girl with a split lip and black eye that happened when she tried to stop it.

I suggest calling a shelter near you and ask them what resources may be available to you. You don't have to go there to get help from them. Also, knowing where they are is a good thing to have on hand in case you need to leave in a hurry.

I am so sorry for your situation, and my prayers go out for you and your children.

Please don't ever underestimate the danger you might be in.

caladan

osolonely,as an admitted pacifist, I cannot begin to fathom your significant others less than benign responses to your attempts to help him get sober. It truly breaks my heart to hear the suffering of family members who desperately want their to partners to get right. I only wish I had someone as dedicated as you in my life, to urge me forward in my attempts at sobriety.

osolonely

Thanks for all your help, we are married now.