KikiDB

Hello! I've been involved with a man for about 5 years (we are both in our 50s) and about a year ago, I confronted him about his occasional alcohol binging and gave him an ultimatum: get treatment or lose our relationship.

He agreed to get evaluated and stop drinking. Since then, I've never seen clear evidence of any drinking although once or twice in phone calls his voice was slurred and I confronted him. He denied drinking.

Recently I found something he had written which sounded like an address to be giving at a recovery meeting for those with "AAOD" (is this "alcohol and other drugs"?) and in it he said "I am a crackhead." This came as quite a shock. I've never seen direct evidence of crack use and he didn't fit my stereotype of crack users: very thin, very hyper, talkative, anxious. He has developed a tremor in the last six months or so and said the doctors don't know what causes it. Hmmmmm.

My immediate problems/worries are these:

1. Should I confront him with what I found? If so, how?

2. Should I change the nature of our relationship given that he never admitted any crack use to me? While we had discussed the alcohol, crack/other drugs were never mentioned. How can I trust him? What else is he lying about?

He has borrowed money from me but is slowly paying it back. The balance IS slowly going down. However, there is a continuing pattern of borrowing $40-50 to give to his daughters, a plausible excuse, late in the evening. I have attempted to refuse to lend him any more money and told him to manage his money better. This resulted in his calling me to come get him after running out of gas and other similar "emergencies." There are other patterns in his life that concern me I won't take the time to describe here.

I need a strategy for coping with this whole situation.

No doubt, I have co-dependent tendencies. I was in a relationship for 20 years with a man who relapsed into opiate addiction (via prescription drugs) in his later years with me; he died by suicide in 1991, an indescribable experience that I have had helpful group and individual counselling for.

Have I re-created this pattern with this current relationship?

What do I do next? I'm happy to read articles and books and am open to attending meetings.

dalin

just give up the things you cant control......it is about powerlessnes,whether it is about you or he.....
well keep coming back ok

golfer99

You need to ask him about it.
All of us deserve an honset relationship.
You will be better able to plan your course of action with all of the facts on the table.

Best,
Golf

Anna

It seems to me that there is a big lack of trust in this relationship. That is something that you should address. If you are so unsure of his actions and lifestyle, it's probably a good idea to take a hard look at the relationship.

laurie6781

Welcome to SR. You've found a great site!!!!!

It's not your problem if he runs out of gas. It's not your problem if he's short of money.

Are you enabling? You sure are. If you think he might be using drugs.....ask. If he says no..............................go with your gut. Those of us in the throes of addiction or who have returned to addiction are NOTORIOUS LIARS.

Obviously his actions or lack of actions is becoming a problem. You might want to head over to our Friends and Family forum...............read the 'stickys' at the top and read some of the posts.

Based on what you have posted, my personal opinion is that your boyfriend has some kind of addiction going. I feel like those

immediately had RED FLAGS going off in my head.

I think you have anserwed your own questions.

Time to work on you so to speakd. Remember the 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care!!!!.

Love and hugs,

KikiDB

Thank you all for your quick replies. I have a lot to think about.

There is a part of me that just wants to sweep it under the rug. "Everything is fine."

There is a part of me that wants to run away.

There is a part of me that is mad at myself for getting in so deep when I saw signs years ago.

There is a part of me that wants to say "the hell with all men", end the relationship, and continue on in my life. Before I met him, I was actually quite happy on my own. I had been on my own for 10 years and done quite well.

There is a part of me that wants to use alcohol to soothe the edginess. Not a lot of alcohol but for the wrong reason. I have the potential to be a problem drinker--not severely such, but somewhat.

There is a part of me that wants to salvage what we have that is good. So many memories and nice aspects.

But it's like a layer cake with poison frosting. Time for a new recipe.

Thanks again to all.

German69

Then go back there. You never stated that you love this man. You don't need problems like that if you don't love him...

There is no such thing as a "little problem drinker". You either have a problem with alcohol or not. If your own alcohol consumption has not caused major problems in your life yet, it definitely has the potential to do so in the future, especially if you are using it for the wrong reasons (to take the edge off, etc.)

As to trusting this man: I wouldn't take his word for anything if he is an addict. To get clear answers, you should probably follow him after giving him the money he asked for, just to see where he's going with it...that will probably give you a clear answer as to how trustworthy he is.

Good luck!

KikiDB

Thank you again to all, particularly to German69, who noticed I had not mentioned loving this man. I loved what he could be, not who he was.

I relocated the notebook where he had written the "speech" or whatever it was about being an addict. In it, I also found a love letter to another woman referencing their mutual addiction and how they both needed to go into treatment together. It also had quite explicit sexual references.

The infidelity was enough to push it over the line for me. Do I want to be with a man who abuses alcohol, a self-described "crackhead" who cheats on me, constantly borrows money from me, and renegs on promises. No.

Last night he came in my home at 5:30 a.m. and fell asleep. After I found the notebook I woke him up rather rudely and confronted him. I told him it was time for him to leave my life and told him why. At first he tried to laugh it off, but I had caught him off guard and he couldn't think fast enough to create plausible lies. He left and I am spending the morning packing his things. Thank God I never let him move in with me.

Question: I'm thinking of notifying his brother who is a minister in another state to suggest he contact another brother who lives here and has been in alcohol recovery for many years about the situation. Is this a good idea? Or would it be better to let my former SO make these approaches.

I definitely raised the bottom by ending the relationship. I don't want to be with an addict and a cheat. I don't trust him and am going to move on in my life. I'm not afraid to be alone.

Thanks again.

marle

If you are through with him, then I don't believe that you should involve his brother. Just be glad that you found out. Crack addiction and alcoholism often go hand in hand. The alcohol is used when crack is not available or used together to help with the crash from crack. Either way you are wise to get away before you become more involved. Crack is a nasty drug. I know firsthand through my addict daughter and her crack addicted boyfriend. Marle

UnusedPortion

I disagree with Marle, I think discussing this with his family is the considerate thing to do for them because they will be on to his borrowing money and exploiting them and it allows them to make informed decisions about allowing him around the children in the familiy. They may choose to pursue an intervention which will help them as much or more as it helps him. I would imagine that a minister would also encourage this guy to pay you back because it is the morally right thing to do. If you don't call the brother you will always wonder what would have happened and if you could have helped the addict or his family. You deserve the closure regardless of what happens to this guy. Just don't get entangled or stay entangled in the drama after you out him. I would also go get tested for STD's if I were you, high people don't always use protection and you could get something even if he did. Praying for you and wishing you all the best!

splendra

His money thing sounds quite a bit like what I hear from all my crack addicts. They come up with some really good excuses as to why they need money and the running out of gas thing that happens to my H when he is out using crack.

Not all crack addicts are thin and hyper...some of them I know are actually quite over weight and sleep alot. The pictures we have in our minds can serve as a tool for denial. It is hard to stick with the facts when we think lies are facts...

KikiDB

Quick update for anyone interested in this thread: I decided to contact the family and am glad I did.

Turned out that most of the family had known for about two years! They assumed that I HAD to have known. I think they feel guilty about not telling me/speaking to me about it. Typical addict-family behavior, sweeping it under the rug.

Regardless, I had two good conversations which helped me vent and was able to return his stuff without seeing him. ALSO, his mother paid me back the money he owes me; I think it will come out of his portion of his inheritance from her.

There have been a few phone calls I haven't returned and some hangup calls. I received a letter, actually, a pretty good letter, but not good enough. I did chose to reply in writing to make it 100% clear that I want no further contact and I mean it.

If I have to, I will change my phone numbers and my routines. Meanwhile, I'm working on my own issues.

Thanks again to all who took the time to offer ideas and insights. They were more helpful than you will ever know! God bless you.

CarolD

Thanks for the update and a big for you!