Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
The good news is that you can stop digging right now. "Put down the shovel" as you'll hear around here. Barb says some go back out after an experience like yours and find an even lower bottom. I was one.
In 1995, I was arrested for the same thing you did. Oh, he hit me first, but when I was done with him and the cops came, I was the one they arrested. I don't remember all initial charges, but among them were aggravated assault, assault with a deadly weapon, resisting arrest, assaulting an officer, and of course, drunk and disorderly conduct. I knew one of the cops, and I was able to plead down to a 3rd degree misdemeanor simple assault. I was given a suspended sentence and a fine. I was a PTA Mom when I was sober! Drunk, this 5'5" hundred pound woman turns into a vicious animal!
He came back to me (or I went back to him...however you want to look at it), and I continued to drink.
In 1996, I was committed to a dual diagnosis facility for my violence. I was trying to take us both out that night. I consented to two weeks of drug & alcohol rehab while I was there. I got out & went right back to it. I left him later that year because I was pretty sure one of us would end up dead if we stayed together. I continued drinking.
In 1997, in a depressed state, I turned my rage inward and O.D.'d. My son, age six at the time, called 911 and posted his 3 yr old sister next to me while he went outside to flag down the ambulance. I survived the overdose, puked while passed out, aspirated into both my lungs and nearly died from the resulting pneumonia. When I woke up in the emergency room and they told me that child welfare had taken my children, I experienced the lowest moment in my drinking career. It took me a year and a half to get full, legal custody of them back, and I finally stopped drinking during that time.
I decided to stick to drugs. I wasn't as violent, I told myself. I could handle them better. Cocaine kept me "even." Yeah, that's the ticket.....and in the next five years, I did things some very repulsive, degrading and immoral things to keep myself "even." I lost track of my kids. They were still there, but they learned to take care of themselves. My son became a microwave wizard, though all his new responsibilities, feeding and caring for his sister, meant his grades dropped. Our lives revolved around my ability to find, get and use more. Opiates came into it. Pot was always a player. By October 2002, I was dead inside. Probably a long, long time before that, I'm sure, but that's when I finally got to the point where you are now.
I told you all that not to one-up your story, but to tell you that, yes, it can get a whole lot worse. It doesn't have to, though. I'm very glad that you have recognized your behavior for what it is: the symptom of someone who is sick and needs help. We can help you, if you're willing to accept the help. The willingness is up to you.
I went to rehab; I know a lot of folks who haven't. That got me initially cleaned up, and to remain that way, to learn to live differently and stay clean and sober, I went and still go to AA. I go to meetings, have a sponsor and use the twelve steps in my daily life. I met and married a man who's also in AA. My kids were still young enough (9 & 12 in 2002) that they were able to go through the healing process with me. They're healthy, happy, intelligent young people today, and with my marriage, they've gained two more brothers who've had some very similar experiences and who've also had an opportunity to heal. We're all doing okay today. Pretty miraculous, if you ask me.
Keep reading. Perhaps check out an AA meeting in your area? In the beginning, if it weren't for sober folks around me, I could not have stayed sober. Getting sober won't guarantee your husband comes back, but it will ensure that you don't have to live the way you've been living, a Doctor Jekyll and Ms. Hyde. Today, I'm one person. Very multi-faceted, but only one person. You can have that peace of mind, too.
Peace & Love,
There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done.