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Old 09-30-2006, 02:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
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That's it--hit rock bottom


Hi All,
I finally hit rock bottom. I beat up my husband in a drunken rage and now he's gone and he probably won't come back. And why should he? He says alcohol has nothing to do with my behavior. But it does. It has everything to do with it. I become somebody else when I'm drunk. I'm not a mean or vicious person when I'm sober but I become a monster when I'm drunk. I should have seen this coming but I kept drinking. It's my fault and I can't undo the damage I caused. I believe I can do this and stay sober but it probably won't bring my husband back. I'm so terribly sorry and so scared of what lies ahead. Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-30-2006, 04:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
same planet...different world
 
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Hi, German -

We've all been there. Some of us hve been there, and gone back out, and dug even a deeper bottom before we could take the first step for real.

welcome.
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Old 09-30-2006, 05:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
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ohmigod ****{german69******

i am so sorry. glad you came here for help. i know you've been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. get some sleep. take care of yourself. when you finally surface, get some help. find a meeting. call a friend. get a counselor. you can do it. don't beat yourself up too much--this is a disease and you can beat it. your husband is doing what he feels he needs to do at this time. you can work on that later. work on yourself now. please take good care. pm me if you need anything. i am out for a good part of the day--actually heading to my saturday morning meeting right now--but will be back this evening.
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Old 09-30-2006, 05:42 AM   #4 (permalink)
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The good news is that you can stop digging right now. "Put down the shovel" as you'll hear around here. Barb says some go back out after an experience like yours and find an even lower bottom. I was one.

In 1995, I was arrested for the same thing you did. Oh, he hit me first, but when I was done with him and the cops came, I was the one they arrested. I don't remember all initial charges, but among them were aggravated assault, assault with a deadly weapon, resisting arrest, assaulting an officer, and of course, drunk and disorderly conduct. I knew one of the cops, and I was able to plead down to a 3rd degree misdemeanor simple assault. I was given a suspended sentence and a fine. I was a PTA Mom when I was sober! Drunk, this 5'5" hundred pound woman turns into a vicious animal!

He came back to me (or I went back to him...however you want to look at it), and I continued to drink.

In 1996, I was committed to a dual diagnosis facility for my violence. I was trying to take us both out that night. I consented to two weeks of drug & alcohol rehab while I was there. I got out & went right back to it. I left him later that year because I was pretty sure one of us would end up dead if we stayed together. I continued drinking.

In 1997, in a depressed state, I turned my rage inward and O.D.'d. My son, age six at the time, called 911 and posted his 3 yr old sister next to me while he went outside to flag down the ambulance. I survived the overdose, puked while passed out, aspirated into both my lungs and nearly died from the resulting pneumonia. When I woke up in the emergency room and they told me that child welfare had taken my children, I experienced the lowest moment in my drinking career. It took me a year and a half to get full, legal custody of them back, and I finally stopped drinking during that time.

I decided to stick to drugs. I wasn't as violent, I told myself. I could handle them better. Cocaine kept me "even." Yeah, that's the ticket.....and in the next five years, I did things some very repulsive, degrading and immoral things to keep myself "even." I lost track of my kids. They were still there, but they learned to take care of themselves. My son became a microwave wizard, though all his new responsibilities, feeding and caring for his sister, meant his grades dropped. Our lives revolved around my ability to find, get and use more. Opiates came into it. Pot was always a player. By October 2002, I was dead inside. Probably a long, long time before that, I'm sure, but that's when I finally got to the point where you are now.

I told you all that not to one-up your story, but to tell you that, yes, it can get a whole lot worse. It doesn't have to, though. I'm very glad that you have recognized your behavior for what it is: the symptom of someone who is sick and needs help. We can help you, if you're willing to accept the help. The willingness is up to you.

I went to rehab; I know a lot of folks who haven't. That got me initially cleaned up, and to remain that way, to learn to live differently and stay clean and sober, I went and still go to AA. I go to meetings, have a sponsor and use the twelve steps in my daily life. I met and married a man who's also in AA. My kids were still young enough (9 & 12 in 2002) that they were able to go through the healing process with me. They're healthy, happy, intelligent young people today, and with my marriage, they've gained two more brothers who've had some very similar experiences and who've also had an opportunity to heal. We're all doing okay today. Pretty miraculous, if you ask me.

Keep reading. Perhaps check out an AA meeting in your area? In the beginning, if it weren't for sober folks around me, I could not have stayed sober. Getting sober won't guarantee your husband comes back, but it will ensure that you don't have to live the way you've been living, a Doctor Jekyll and Ms. Hyde. Today, I'm one person. Very multi-faceted, but only one person. You can have that peace of mind, too.

Welcome!

Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Old 09-30-2006, 06:08 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I am glad you are back reaching out!

AA meetings abound in your city..
Look in the phone book
call and talk to someone.

..Blessings
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Old 09-30-2006, 06:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you all for sharing your stories with me. I just got back from an AA meeting. It was so good to let it all out there. I also called my husband and he is coming back to me. He said he loves me and that we'll be in it together. He will stop drinking together with me. I really hope that we can do it this time. I feel terrible, emotionally and physically. I nearly passed out at the meeting and I'm pretty shaky but at least I didn't touch the drink since I passed out from it last night.
I'm waiting for my husband right now, so we can talk. At least there is hope now. I'm scared to see his face because I know I did it to him. I will also go to the women's meeting at noon. I guess that's all I can do for now. I'm glad I decided to go on this healing journey and I am very lucky that my husband has forgiven me and is supporting me. He really must love me a lot to be coming back to this piece of ****-me...
Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-30-2006, 06:14 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Super!!
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Old 09-30-2006, 08:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I'm so happy that your husband is willing to stand by you and walk the journey with you. It's great that you are taking the first step. You've got good company here too.
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Old 09-30-2006, 08:49 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I'm glad you reached out for help and I hope that you keep moving forward in sobriety. It's great that your husband is supporting you, but try to remember that you are doing this for yourself.
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Old 09-30-2006, 10:06 AM   #10 (permalink)
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We need those bottoms!! Congratulations on your realizations! Congratulations that the two of you have chosen eachother over the bottle!
Way to Go!!!
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Old 09-30-2006, 07:51 PM   #11 (permalink)
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so good to hear! you are doing all the right things. and if you have his support--that means a lot. i'm only a pm away. take good care.
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Old 10-01-2006, 04:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
 
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((German69)) I'm sorry for your pain, but it will get better. You are at the begining of a wonderful journey, of self discovery and healing.

I did the same thing to my husband. He has stuck by me (amazingly). He attends Alanon and goes to open AA meetings with me. It has really helped us a lot.

You know, we don't fight near as much as we use to!!

Hang in there!!
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