View Poll Results: I need AlAnon advice I am a wife of a recoverying drug addict
How do I keep frustrations down
2
100.00%
Whats the best advice on supporting a drug addict
0
0%
Voters: 2. You may not vote on this poll
asking advise
txyankie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Carthage
Posts: 2
asking advise
I'm new at this and I apperciate any advise anyone can offer. My husband is in rehab right now with a crack cocain addiction. It's been a living nightmare dealing with his problem and thanks to God he admitted himself to the rehab for help. I want to support him through this, yet at the same time I need help as well learning how to keep frustrations down and not add any problems to him. I want to go to AlAnon meetings but since I am the only one working right now I need help via the internet.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: home of the liquid sunshine-Florida
Posts: 294
Hi and welcome. Lots of support here. Also check out the Family and friends forums there are some great caring people who can feel your pain. Best of luck to you and your husband. Praise God he went to rehab that is a huge step in the right direction!!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
For me, "frustrations" were actually "expectations". Both my kids are addicts, and I "expected" them to finish high school. I "expected" them to use the college money I SWEATED to put away for twenty years. I "expected" them to get a degree... find a successful partner.... fulfill the "American Dream". I "expected" those things.....
... and when they all (each and every blessed one of them) fell through due to their separate addictions...
I was MAD!!!! I was ANGRY!!! I was HATEFUL!!
I couldn't talk to them (sober or using) for any length of time without feeling the rage start to bubble up. I would be driving to work alone, and start to get angry AGAIN about their choices and feel rotten all day. I took it out on my husband, my friends and my coworkers. The problems was with ME.
So, I talked to folks at Alanon and realized that EXPECTATIONS turn into RESENTMENTS.
The answer was pretty simple, really... I started by LOWERING my expectations. I told myself that my kid was not capable of college... and either of my children been born with a learning disability, I would be understanding... so I just decided that they were born with "life" disabilities.
That got rid of a lot of it.... but I was still feeling a bit cranky... .so I took the left over 1,200.00 dollars or so that I had for future college.... and I spent it on permanent makeup FOR ME!!
Totally selfish, totally frivolous..... and whoooaaa baby, it totally worked!! I got something that made ME feel better, and I lost a lot of my resentments toward my kids for their failure to "succeed" precisely as *I* wanted them to.
Perhaps this won't work with your husband, but if you can figure out what EXPECTATIONS the RESENTMENTS are based on... that is a start.
Perhaps you expected him to work full time all the time (I would). If he doesn't and maybe can't in the near future, you could work and keep your money separate and invest it the way YOU want.
Maybe you expect him to be clean... and he won't or can't. You could move into another bedroom, fix it up in white frilly ruffles and he can have the old bedroom and keep it as nasty as he needs to.... just keep the door closed.
My resentments are directly about things that impact ME.... when I can find a way to get the thing I am missing from another area, then I can reduce my expectations of the other person.
Tough stuff, but very effective. I wish you the best. ((((hugs))))
... and when they all (each and every blessed one of them) fell through due to their separate addictions...
I was MAD!!!! I was ANGRY!!! I was HATEFUL!!
I couldn't talk to them (sober or using) for any length of time without feeling the rage start to bubble up. I would be driving to work alone, and start to get angry AGAIN about their choices and feel rotten all day. I took it out on my husband, my friends and my coworkers. The problems was with ME.
So, I talked to folks at Alanon and realized that EXPECTATIONS turn into RESENTMENTS.
The answer was pretty simple, really... I started by LOWERING my expectations. I told myself that my kid was not capable of college... and either of my children been born with a learning disability, I would be understanding... so I just decided that they were born with "life" disabilities.
That got rid of a lot of it.... but I was still feeling a bit cranky... .so I took the left over 1,200.00 dollars or so that I had for future college.... and I spent it on permanent makeup FOR ME!!
Totally selfish, totally frivolous..... and whoooaaa baby, it totally worked!! I got something that made ME feel better, and I lost a lot of my resentments toward my kids for their failure to "succeed" precisely as *I* wanted them to.
Perhaps this won't work with your husband, but if you can figure out what EXPECTATIONS the RESENTMENTS are based on... that is a start.
Perhaps you expected him to work full time all the time (I would). If he doesn't and maybe can't in the near future, you could work and keep your money separate and invest it the way YOU want.
Maybe you expect him to be clean... and he won't or can't. You could move into another bedroom, fix it up in white frilly ruffles and he can have the old bedroom and keep it as nasty as he needs to.... just keep the door closed.
My resentments are directly about things that impact ME.... when I can find a way to get the thing I am missing from another area, then I can reduce my expectations of the other person.
Tough stuff, but very effective. I wish you the best. ((((hugs))))
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