ConcernedBigSis

Hello everyone. I am new to this site. I'll try to explain how/why I ended up here.
About a month ago I recieved a phone call at 3 am. My brother's live-in girlfriend called because my brother (an alcoholic/cocaine addict) had hit rock bottom. My husband answered the phone, and from across the room all I could hear was my bro's girlfriend crying. My hubby handed me the phone and my bro's girlfriend proceeded to tell me that my brother was drunk and high and was holding a knife to his throat! I was.. to say the least...shocked. I immediately asked her to put my brother on the phone, he was crying so hard I could barely understand him. What I did get out of the conversation was that he didn't want to live anymore, he saw no point. I told him to calm down and that I would be there in an hour.( I live an hour away from him) On my way into town to help my brother I stopped at my parents house to tell my dad what was going on. I told him I needed his help and that we were going to bring my brother home. He agreed and we headed into town. When I got to my brother's house he was lying on his bed crying, his girlfriend was on the couch... also crying. My dad went to talk to my brother, while I tried to get what was going on out of his girlfriend. She told me that my brother had come home messed up, yet again, and that she had told him she couldn't handle living that way anymore and she was leaving him.
My dad, meanwhile had told my brother that we were taking him home because we weren't going to watch him kill himself. My brother took off out the back door of the house... I chased him (barefoot) down the street, when I finally caught him he yelled at me and told me to leave him be... I yelled right back that I had enough and I wasn't going to sit back and watch him throw his life away and that whether he liked it our not I was dragging his a$$ home. My dad and I finally got him home, after some tackling and yelling.
The next day my brother came to us and told us that he needed help.. he wanted to quit.
All has been going well, for the most part, he's been seeing a counsellor, staying away from all his friends that do drugs, checking in with my mom and myself everyday... at least twice. What worries me is the ex... she's constantly causing him to take steps backwards by calling him crazy and treating him like crap.... I've told him to stay away from her and just concentrate on getting better... when he tries.. she comes around and hurts him again. This makes him depressed and sometimes he talks about suicide, I'm very worried about him... but I don't know what I can do for him...
What can I do to help him through this? He's not only my little bro (22) but also my best friend. I know he can get through it... but there are times when I see he wants to give up...

historyteach

Concerned;

Welcome to SR! Here, you'll find a place to share your frustrations, fears and hope, and be answered by others who experience the same. We share our experience, strength and hope and learn to grow.

Your brother has a horrible addiction. He should be getting assistance. There's Narcotics Anonomous; the Salvation Army; and other rehab places he can go to. If he wants to get clean, he will. If he uses, it won't be because of an ex or anything else. He has to want to quit more than anything else. I say this with compassion; my son is a heroin addict for 12 years now.

Please get to a naranon or alanon meeting for yourself. There, with the help of the 12 steps and others just like you, you can learn to detach with love from the chaos of your brother's addiction. You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it. But, you can learn to cope with it.

Feel free to visit our naranon board and begin to start your own recovery. Maybe you and your brother's g/f can help each other through this journey.

I wish you well, and hope to see you here often as we both grow in our recovery.

Shalom!

Dreamz

She sounds like a pain in the a$$. CAn you sit down and talk to her and say listen - you are affecting him big time when he is trying to recover - if you care about them stop or if you don't move on?

I guess its easy to say. I wish I could give you better advice. Let me know how it goes. And if I can help in any other way let me know too!!!

Phinneas

Welcome to SR, ConcernedBigSis! We're glad you're here.

Please check out and post in our Naranon forum here at SR. There you will find lots of people who really, truly understand because they've been there themselves with loved ones in the grips of addiction. There is hope. There is a solution. It's about not controlling the addict and understanding which parts are his and which parts are yours. Relationships can get tangled up really quickly when addiction is involved. Please take care of YOU today, ok?

Here is the link to the Naranon forum -
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/nar-anon/

Also, have you read Codependent No More by Mealodie Beattle? I strongly recommend it. It is a great starting place in understanding BOTH sides of this disease.

Best wishes to you and your family, ConcernedBigSis.

best

The girlfriend has reached the end of her rope and she is lashing out it seems.
If you are able, maybe tell her about Nar Anon or Al Anon. She needs to learn how to deal with her anger and pain.

Him staying away and not answering the phone if she calls is good advice.

ConcernedBigSis

Thank you everyone who replied. Your input and advice is very much appreciated!

I do know that only he can be the one to make himself better, and only he is the one responsible if he uses again. He has sought assistance and is going to meetings and speaking with a councellor, which I think is great. I'm proud of him for admitting that he has a problem and for trying to get the help he needs to get better. So far he is doing great, no drugs and no booze!!

My biggest concern is the talk of suicide when he does speak with the g/f.
I've thought about speaking to her and telling her that if she wants nothing more to do with him that she needs to stay away and let him get better... but at the same time I feel it is not my place to say anything to her. I know she is deeply hurt by what he has done and she has told me she doesn't think she can ever forgive him.... but why does she feel the need to lash out at him and make him feel worse when what he really needs right now is support???

laurie6781

Concerned Big Sis welcome to SR.

As to the girlfirend and why she is lashing out, that is human nature, we are hurt we lash out. In this instance I think it would be a good idea to sit down with her, and commiserate that you understand how hurt she is, and that there is a way for her to work through it, and then suggest Naranon or Alanon. tell her this is going to be a very long road of recovery for your brother, and that she needs to recovery also.

She will learn in Al-anon and Naranon the 3 C's. She didn't cause it. She can't control it, and she can't cure it.

Then again, she may be one, that only feels alive when there is GREAT CHAOS going on. I don't know.

But I do believe that quietly sitting and talking with here could not hurt at this time.

You are a great sister to care so much, and Al-anon or Naranon can help you too.

J M H O

Love and (((((to all))))),