OnceNice

might as well have a drink feeling.

That's exactly how I feel. Why. Why does my mind think this way.
Why can't i just be happy that I'm not drinking.

But I constantly keep thinking that I'm gonna blow it so lets get it over with before I go to far.

Have you ever thought that way.

I also feel like I'm not doing this for me anymore. LIke I have to do it. For SR or For AA or for the guy I'm seeing. He can't drink for a year or he'll get thrown in the slammer. He gets random testing and has a curfew. I've been wanting to quit for me since 1993 and now I'm having that weird thinking. thinking I'm just gonna screw up. My family keeps telling me how proud they are. My boyfriend is telling me how proud he is. He's acting like this is a breeze. There is no damn way. Its hard as hell.

Its my mind. I'm at work. I post here. But I keep thinking why not. Nothing takes my mind off of it.

I hate myself today and everyday. I can't get out of the "poor me" rut. I've been in it since I've been 7 years old I think and I'm 40. I'm always on a pity trip and it makes me sick.

Ive programmed myself to be a loser.

I don't know if I'm gonna make day 20 everyone, but thanks for listening to me all this time

I hate the thinking worst of all. I've been posting way too much lately. I'm sorry everyone.

I just don't think I can do it.

I want to break up with Rob. He's doing so well and I don't want to bring him down. If I leave him, I'm afraid it will hurt him and if I stay I'm afraid it will hurt him. I hate this so very much.

I'm going to fail.

Sorry for getting all of your hopes up.

lilymae

believe in yourself and you will not fail more importanly believe that you are not a failure because if you believe something will happen it will so believe you will succed and you shall and remember one day at a time or if need be one moment at a time

RubyT

Hang in there Rose. Let the bad feelings go. Just for tonight, ok???

c'est la vie

((((((((((((((rose))))))))))))))

Your mind thinks that way because you're an alcoholic.
Yes, I think that way sometimes too and yes, I hate the thought. But I remind that thought that it can go away because it's not healthy.
You can post here as often as you want if it helps keep you sober. Take a look at how many posts I've made today! I needed it today and it worked. I didn't drink.
I don't believe you'll fail. Please come back here tomorrow and let us know how you feel. You can tell us you made it through one more night and you're still hangin in there, OR you can tell us how f*kin miserable your hangover is. Either way PLEASE post tomorrow.


by the way, I like the suggestion of ASH from the other thread to go back and read some of your posts from a few months ago. You need to remind yourself how truly terrible it feels to drink. Your mind is already forgetting.

OnceNice

Why do we think this way. I can understand the physical addiction but geez this mental thinking. Its like knowing you are going to do something wrong and just doing it.

I don't kill, I don't steal. There are people that make me sick and things I'd like but I don't kill and steal for it. Why do I do this with drinking. They say its simple but hard. And it is. It makes no sense to me.

I don't understand. I wouldnever sit and eat four chocolate cakes. Why, why am I doing this to myself.

I feel like a phoney. I don't feel like myself.

I also don't feel like I deserve to feel good either. Like what's the use.
I don't knwo why. I don't understand why I hate myself so.
I don'tunderstand how others feel good.

I just want to move. I want to move away where no one knows me. I'm pretty much a recluse anyway.

I'm so filled with self doubt and such low self esteem. I don't know what to do.

i just don't want to think anymore.
Did any of you just think you were more mentally addicted then physically. And is it worse.

I just feel bad today.

OnceNice

I did back in May when I tried to do myself in. They put me in the nut house. Literally. And checked everything.

I'm just really tired and crabby. I'm sorry. I'm just bugging people today.

PaperDolls

Rose -- It's the disease talking -- in your head, you must be stronger than that voice. It's hard for all of us.

You are NOT posting too much. That's not possible here. You have to post to get some answers and to get the stuff out of you're head. You are not alone. Most of us have gone through this before or are still going through this.

You DO deserve this and you are not worthless. I can understand the low self-esteem, I've got that problem too and I'm still learning.

We're hear to listen to you and help you through this and so is your boyfriend, or at least he should be.

Keep posting: Keep coming back.

We love ya!
doll

Arura

Always here for you, Darlin...xXx...!


...

janeeyre

Rose, you're not bugging me. I'm glad you're here posting. I, too, felt like getting some alcohol today. But I am here instead and that's keeping me safe. Later I won't be here but I'll be reading or crocheting or watching TV (and probably eating chips or popcorn, but what the heck) and I won't drink because I'll be thinking of you and the other folks here, and I'll be remembering how GOOD this is for ME, too. I'm worth it, and so are you.

NEEDTOBESOBER

I agree with oncenice- what is it about the mental thinking-to me it is much worse than the physical-why is this-is it cause we been drinking so long it is automatic in our brains or what? Does anybody know-this is driving me crazy!!:uzi2:

OnceNice

I know. Its driving me crazy too. I wish I could stay home. Its so hard to try and take care of yourself and be at work.

That just sucks too. I guess I hsould be thankful I have a job. But my nutty mind does not think that way. Its program to be pathetic I guess.

laurie6781

Need to Be, and Once Nice:

Yes, it is the ISM......I = I, S = Self, and M = Me............... slowly, as our bodies physically heal, and some of the fog lifts, we learn new ways of doing things, of thinking things, this is what is meant, when you hear in meetings about 'erasing old tapes and replacing with new tapes.'

Rose, you would be feeling the same way at home, so.............at least this way you making some money, rofl. and if you make a few others miseable for a bit, so what, 'you're just having a few bad days' and when the time comes you can apologize later if needed.

Right now, you're right where you are suppose to be. Now, you know you can call anytime you need to Rose, lol, and even if you don't want to, lmao.
Hang in there, I can see changes already in your posts .

Love and hugs,

Latte

Self Esteem! It's a balance. Working on self esteem without getting a big head is difficult but if you hope to get well and stay well, having an idea about how important you are to you is important. We were talking about this in my womens online group. Making sure you take care of yourself is very important.

My thoughts are with you.