igfan

last night i went to a "Big Book Step Study" meeting with three other woman who have long term sobriety (one has been through the process, another is going through the process and two of us new nothing of it). Anyway...it was worse than going to my very first meeting.....i don't know why. I felt so out of place, like i didn't belong. i know that the way they do the steps in this type is meeting is just that.....a process...takes some people years to go through it and you can't sponsor anyone until you've been through yourself. You know that thing on Sesame Street where they say "here are 4 things, which one is different", i was different......i felt like a puzzle piece that didn't fit. I don't know why it was so hard for me...maybe i'm afraid of the steps, like one of the women said....."she wants the kindlier, gentler way". Maybe that's true....i don't want to spend years writing my friggin 4th step, and these people swear this is the way to go to get and stay sober (for them). If doing the steps scare me that much, then how am i ever going to get it? It's like, why am i going to meetings?

I have wicked anxiety this morning, been up since 3:30am..didn't hardly sleep at all and this is the third night that i haven't slept. I'm getting a little irratable, and i have such a sense of hopelessness this morning. I just feel like i'll never get "IT". I'll have enough white chips to have a poker game!

GanzaT

hey at least you will go to the meetings that says a lot i think!! what you dealing with if ya dont mind me askin??

Anna

Igfan, sobriety is a long, hard process to go through and it's scary.

Have you considered alternatives to AA?

Luckyv2

One thing that I am well aware of is that recovery isn't a event. We have to do this deal to the best of our efforts each day and that is all that any of us are given. The AA Big Book talks about a period of reconstruction. We didn't get here on our best days, so we are not going to just be able to get this in one day, let alone any day. I think the day that we get this we will probably die clean. IMO

There have been a lot of times where I don't feel comfortable, but the more that I try to do for others and etc. Then I am on a much better path, such as taking coffee around. I have made coffee, and been like a butler since my relapse, that seems to help me and I am sure others appreciate it also. Just try not to be too hard on yourself. Easy Does IT! Keeping you in my thoughts

Love Vic

igfan

Alcoholic, my name is Cheryl.....admitted i was powerless over alcohol 1 1/2 years ago, started attending AA at that time....got hooked on xanax 6 months ago (wasn't on it long, but long enough to know i liked it ALOT)...was almost clean 6 months and i relapsed by taking some of my dogs meds (tramadol)....didn't know it was non-narcotic..wouldn't have wasted my time if i'd known i wasn't going to get high.......the obsession came back....ordered xanax online, bought a pint of vodka and did a triple twist off the wagon......today is day 3 for me (again)

wingsfree

You'll GET IT....like Anna said, it is a long slow process, and it can be darn scary and painful learning how to live a different way, a GOOD way, ask me about that one.

You keep at it as long as it takes, keep trying different things until whatever works for you works, that's what I had to do. I've been drinking a long time, and it took till today I found what helps me. YOU can't ever give up on this, you fall you get back up as many times as it takes. Hang in there, you will GET IT, you bet you will. Keep posting sharing your thoughts, someone will say the right thing to you that's needed, then something clicks inside of you.

Wishing you all the best, keep at it no matter what.

GanzaT

hey yer doing better than me im still high right now and no im feeling guilty about it is it good this guilt i think alchohol is a prob to cuz when im drinking thats when i really want to get high will you help me and i will try to help you? i need some sence knocked into me

best

Hello Cheryl

You know when you go to the beach, you put a baby toe in and test the water...brrrr it feels cold. You struggle and fight your way in but once you reach that point you either jump in all the way or you step back and start all over again....How is the best way to get in the water?
Jump in both feet. Once you are in, the water feels fine.

you will get it. You are standing on the shore and wondering how cold the water will feel. Once in, we swim all day.
Looking forward to seeing you swim across life. AA does a fine job of teaching us how to swim.

StrongR2Day

They say the only step you have to do perfectly is the first one. Don't worry about the other steps, you haven't even gotten there yet! Take your time with Step 1.

And remember, you can't even begin to do a fourth step, until you've worked through 1, 2 and 3. They really are in order for a reason. If they're talking about a step you aren't working on, you may want to touch base on it, definitely listen and learn, but it's ok to discuss the step you are working on.

Oh, and I did my last fourth step on about four marathon session of two hours, maybe more, maybe less. I think I did my first on in a couple of hours. At the time, I did it to the best of my ability, and that's all I had to do.

OnceNice

Cheryl I understand. I think the Big Book Meetings are the Hardest to go to. I'm not crazy about AA and I've been going only once a week, but I go to the ones they call Newcomer meetings. They usually have someone there who talks about there story and then people go around and comment on the speaker. I find some stuff similar. If you feel like talking you can, but I just usually pass. I don't know much yet. So I don't usually say too much.

Anyway. Good luck at going. This is hard .

Ngokpa

Alienation in AA is something I've had to deal with for a long time. For me that means finding a way that works for me, which includes Buddhism. That seemed just as strange in the early going, but I knew I needed something that inspired me, which AA literature just didn't do.

One thing in the Big Book that didn't work for me was the notion that anger was the dubious luxury of more normal folk. I didn't want to be a jerk, but stuffing my anger wasn't an option either. At the other place I heard that it's like we've got a big field of manure; it would be a poor farmer who hauled it off. Instead, we work it into the field, which gives it it's richness.

Maybe that's not your path, but there are several. Al-Anon and Coda deal with emotional issues better than AA. AA could pass for universal in the 30's, but today we can supplement it with other approaches that speak to us more directly.