Hope

Thanks for all the support. It really helps.

I took a huge step earlier. I went and reached out and said I need help. I have an appointment with a substance abuse counselor in a few days and I know that this is going to help me. I was so scared to do that but I forced myself to walk through those doors and open up with total and complete honesty not holding anything back. I feel like the whole world has been lifted off of my shoulders.

I am really starting to believe that I can do this! I have opened my mind up to new possibilities, became willing, and got really honest. Even though I feel scrambled physically, emotionally, and spiritually... there is still a small sense of inner peace that I'm sure will grow with each passing sober day and as I do the footwork to grow and learn to be a productive member of society.

Hope

I've connected with some great people in recovery and I already feel like my life is getting fuller than it was. Now, it is not a shallow emptiness that I filled with alcohol/drugs trying to calm my loneliness. Today, I see that people truly care about me and want me to get well. I'm so happy knowing that I never have to drink or use today.

Arura

It is good to KNOW that we never have to use again...!

That sounds SO good to me...! Shine on (((Cherly)))...xXx

REZ

The most important thing you can do at this point is go to meetings and listen to what people are saying. Get a sponsor, start working the steps, hang out with people who are clean and sober, don't go around people who are using/drinking. Keep the focus on recovery, one day at a time. Don't worry about having one year of sobriety or even one week. Just focus on staying clean and sober today. Don't use any mind/mood altering drug recreationally. Be very careful of anyting prescribed to you and let your doctor know about you problem. Be honest with yourself, your sponsor, and people who are trying to help you. Keep coming back.

Hope

I went to a meeting earlier, talked to people in recovery, read my recovery literature and right now, I'm having a craving. I feel the battle inside of my head but don't worry, I refuse to pick up a drink, take a pill, or do a line. I REFUSE.

Besides, I'm not throwing my days down the toilet. I've had to work hard for these and they are precious to me. Tomorrow is day 5. I'm moving forward, not backwards.

I feel kind of crazy though because I feel like these voices in my head are screaming and jumping at me to get me to drink/use. The voice is screaming at me and I'm shouting right back with thought-stopping techniques. Every time I hear one of those lies, I challenge the lie and expose it for the lie that it is.

I'm going to finish my homework then I'm off to bed.

djfriedm

Im proud of you! Keep up the good work, and stay strong Cheryl!

shockozulu

Cheryl, I think you need to stay away from your uncle. He has encouraged you to many relapses.

Smyle

Hey Cheryl.....sorry that you are in this rut.....I know it is exhausting, you can do this and please do not think anyone is giving up on you.

I see an addiction counselor and really need her, she is great and has helped me out soooo much !!!
good luck

~B

michski

((( hope4life )))

You have to realize that you are going to feel bad. You've spent some time getting your body and your mind messed up and now, you want to just feel fine??? That's not going to happen..there won't be a quick fix.
Your body wants you DOC and your mind wants to stay strong in sobriety and then there's probably a little voice in there too that says " This is BS.. I'm gonna go score" All this internal conflict is called transition
You are changing from a drug addict into the woman you want to be and there's just no way that transition doesn't have its growing pains!

Hang tight,.. don't pick up. Speak up at meetings. Get some phone numbers and tell everyone you want sponsorship!!

Hope

It has been a long and exhausting week but I made it through clean and sober. I'm doing this deal one day at a time. I still hear that voice but as soon as I hear it, I tell it to SHUTUP! I don't let it lie to me because all that comes with using-- PAIN and SUFFERING.

I finally got up and joined the fight for my sobriety. Some days it seems like it would be easier to take a drink or do a line, but I HAVE A CHOICE. I choose not to do things that destroy me. I am learning to love myself. It isn't an overnight thing but a road that has its ups and downs.

Tonight, when I go to sleep I know in my heart that I have a day of stuff to be proud of instead of falling asleep in a drunken state and waking up to guilt and shame. I don't have guilt and shame today! I am staying strong and working on my life one day at a time and I am making a life that I'm proud of. Yes, it is challenging sometimes but I'm staying the course and doing what I have to do to take care of me and to stay clean/sober.

djfriedm

Yay!!!! I'm proud of you!!!!!

Hope

I had a pretty good meeting last night. I slept a lot yesterday and I really needed it. I've been having sleep problems lately so I was glad to take what I could get.

I layed down around 1 AM and for some reason the committee in my head starts going off and the cravings start. I'm just like SHUT UP already.... :uzi2: So I got up and started reading the Big Book a little bit and came on here. I'm not giving in.... I'm fighting the little bugger. Sounds like the whole women's choir going on in my head, LOL.

I'm hanging in and enjoying the ride!!

Arura

Good to hear it sweetie...! Its awful when your mind races like that,

But you walked thro it without HAVEING to use,....! .Fantastic, useing the tools that you have learnt to stop the cravings n chattering...!

Keep doing it Darlin cos you are winning...!

Hope

Today was my 12th clean/sober day and it was pretty good. I think I might be starting to feel half-way human but I'm still not sure yet. My brain isn't working too well at the moment and I still kinda feel like crap.

I am having sleep problems so I'm exhausted throughout the day. I am dealing with the whole emotional/physical aspect of early recovery and for me that means dealing with depression and healing from the damage that I did to my body.

I am learning to be patient and to just trust the process. Before, if I wasn't feeling better when I wanted it, I just gave up and quit. But now, I know with all of my heart that even if things don't turn out exactly how I want them, then it is still a thousand times better than when I was using and drinking.

Still feeling rough these days but I also have serenity in knowing that I am proud of myself for my clean time and for what I'm doing in my life. I'm learning how to really live and that is the best gift that I can give to others and to myself. I haven't been selfish or self-centered and today, I can be useful to society and in finding my own dreams.

Staying clean and sober just one day at a time!

Midas

Cheryl,

I know you can do it. It's hard not to try and give you some tough love. I've seen you get stronger and then you fall again. We pick you back up. You dust yourself off a bit. You shine when you get stronger. You need to let that light shine longer. It's a challenge when you take away the false comfort of your DoC, and you're suddenly staring into a deep, dark hole in your soul.

Fill up that gap with friends and companions from meetings in your area. Avoid your uncle and others that prey on your weaknesses. They're bad news.

It's hard to face yourself sometimes, when you may feel like you've failed. I understand. I'm a failure. I have to remind myself to learn from it and move on. Not every situation can be win-win. Something has got to give--that something has to be the addiction.

There are times that I want to drink and drug really bad. I want it. But I don't need it. I need to stay sober so I can do the next right thing. Now, that's a challenge, because I usually screw that up too. I got fired from my recent job last week, and I found myself staring at the liquor aisle for 15 minutes.

I walked away. Empty handed. You can claim a victory over this madness too, Cheryl. I know you can.

Luv,
~Midas~

djfriedm

Cheryl!!!! I'm so proud of you on your 12 days clean and sober. Keep it up!!!! You can do it!

Hope

The difference in me today is that I have surrendered to the program instead of trying everything my way. I used to think I knew what was good for me and I tried desperately to get it to work. Turns out that there was a solution and I finally reached out and grabbed on with everything I had.

I was as desperate as only the dying could be. In that darkness, I found my honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. Until I got at that point, I had only been giving it half measures which availed me nothing. Today, I have a new life that is emerging from the ashes. That is in the form of a recovery program.

I'm also working with a substance abuse counselor on the stuff that has lead me to abuse drugs and alcohol. It is making a huge difference for me to open up and finally lay this stuff out on the table so that I can face it. I'm finally able to say that I'm not scared to look at my past, my mistakes, and my short-comings and have the courage to change what I can. It took way too long to get to that point and I caused myself and others pain before I reached it. But, I finally hit the point of which I needed to really be able to say that I'm ready. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was at the end of the road with addiction. I surrended to win. If I start shining now, it is only because my recovery program, counseling, and my footwork is starting to pay off. I get a daily repreive from the insidious enemy of addiction and today, I'm grateful that I have completely given myself over to the solution.

Midas

Great! Congrats on the sober time you have collected so far!! That 12 days will turn into 12 weeks, then before you know it, you'll have 12 months!

djfriedm

When I quit back in February of last year, I was at the end of the road with my addiction as well. But, it took me over a year to really realize how much of a problem it was and really be wanting to do something about it other than try to do it my way. It took me so long to, as you said, be able to surrender. That surrender really was what brought me to the program. I realized that every part of my life had been destroyed in some way. And that unless I really did something about it, nothing would ever happen. I'd be clean, yes...but only physically....not mind, body, and soul. And who knows when I would fall back into the whole of active addiction again. I came very close before I moved, as you know. And that really allowed me to be able to surrender and really start working through this the right way.

I'm proud to call you a friend Cheryl.

Hope

Finishing up my 21st day being clean and sober. I noticed that fog has gotten a little bit lighter. Small improvements... nothing too drastic yet. I haven't gotten up and said "WOW, it all disappeared" yet. It's ok...I'm getting there. Slowly feeling better.

I've been working so hard on my recovery. People in my life have noticed the changes in me and have made several comments about the improvments. I'm told that I'm starting to look better and my whole outlook on life has become more positive.

Today, I did some work on remembering where I came from and I hope to never forget that. If I keep that firmly in my memory then I'm probably less likely to repeat it. I was told to write everything down about why I wanted recovery and what drugs/alcohol did to me... and to keep it where I could be reminded of it often. I'm taking that suggestion.