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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Milford MI
Posts: 2
I'm 44 years old. married 4 kids and a cocaine addict
I have been sober about a week. I dont keep track much anymore
I just want to stop using. I hate it, but I seem to continue. This has been going on for 20 years, some periods of time worse than others.
The high I get is nothing compared to the feelings of despair that come now with each use. I hate meetings, yet I feel i need them or at least need to be in touch with people that are working some sort of spiritual program.
I want to stay clean. I never stop trying.
I have been sober about a week. I dont keep track much anymore
I just want to stop using. I hate it, but I seem to continue. This has been going on for 20 years, some periods of time worse than others.
The high I get is nothing compared to the feelings of despair that come now with each use. I hate meetings, yet I feel i need them or at least need to be in touch with people that are working some sort of spiritual program.
I want to stay clean. I never stop trying.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Here is a good place to start reading..
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/substance-abuse/
Take care...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/substance-abuse/
Take care...
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome Jim.
I understand your fear of being judged. Let me share my experience of my first few meetings, althought a long time ago now, something I will never forget.
That first meeting, I walked in the door, shaking, looking at the floor, terrified out of my mind. Someone, and to this day I cannot remember who, I was looking at the floor, came over grabbed my arm and asked if I was new. All I could do was nod. She guided me to a chair and asked my name. I told her my name, she called others over male and female and introduced me to them and each one told me their name, which I promptly forgot. she asked me how I liked my coffee, got me a cup and sat with me the whole meeting, holding my hand.
I cannot tell you what was said at that meeting, but I can tell you of the warmth and love in that room. NO JUDGEMENTS of anyone. Every meeting I attended after that, and to this day, I personally have never felt judged. When I was knew I was loved unconditionally. All in that room had been where I was at that moment.
I find this to be true to this day........Meetings were my SAFE HAVEN, thats where the people were that didn't drink or use, that's where the people were that knew and understood what I was going through. After my initial fear, was almost instantly removed, meetings were where I ran to when I had a thought of drinking or using, when my life was in turmoil, when my job sucked, etc etc lol
You might want to just give a meeting or two a try, I think you will more than pleasantly surprised. Should you decide to try it, ask for some phone numbers, these are also great to have in an emergency (emergency being me flying all over the place and bouncing off the walls, for whatever reason, lol)..I also found when I got the courage to use one of those phone numbers the person on the other end was kind, thoughtful, considerate, and willing to listen to my rants, again no judgements.
It wont hurt to give it a try, and you might find some really good friendships starting!
J M H O
Love and (((((to all))))),
I understand your fear of being judged. Let me share my experience of my first few meetings, althought a long time ago now, something I will never forget.
That first meeting, I walked in the door, shaking, looking at the floor, terrified out of my mind. Someone, and to this day I cannot remember who, I was looking at the floor, came over grabbed my arm and asked if I was new. All I could do was nod. She guided me to a chair and asked my name. I told her my name, she called others over male and female and introduced me to them and each one told me their name, which I promptly forgot. she asked me how I liked my coffee, got me a cup and sat with me the whole meeting, holding my hand.
I cannot tell you what was said at that meeting, but I can tell you of the warmth and love in that room. NO JUDGEMENTS of anyone. Every meeting I attended after that, and to this day, I personally have never felt judged. When I was knew I was loved unconditionally. All in that room had been where I was at that moment.
I find this to be true to this day........Meetings were my SAFE HAVEN, thats where the people were that didn't drink or use, that's where the people were that knew and understood what I was going through. After my initial fear, was almost instantly removed, meetings were where I ran to when I had a thought of drinking or using, when my life was in turmoil, when my job sucked, etc etc lol
You might want to just give a meeting or two a try, I think you will more than pleasantly surprised. Should you decide to try it, ask for some phone numbers, these are also great to have in an emergency (emergency being me flying all over the place and bouncing off the walls, for whatever reason, lol)..I also found when I got the courage to use one of those phone numbers the person on the other end was kind, thoughtful, considerate, and willing to listen to my rants, again no judgements.
It wont hurt to give it a try, and you might find some really good friendships starting!
J M H O
Love and (((((to all))))),
.gif)
Liss
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
Hey Jim 
Like yourself I allowed the cocaine to snort me way beyond when I wanted to quit. Coke just does something to the brain.. it actually rewires your brain! I don't know if you read that article on Cocaine some years back in Time magazine.. anyway there are 3 monkeys in separated cages. One can choose Meth over food. One can choose Heroin over food. One can choose cocaine over food. The two monkeys on meth and heroin didn't allow themselves to die but the little monkey with the cocaine habit kept pushing that lever for another and then another blast of cocaine until it keeled over and died.... That's how powerful cocaine addiction is. We be just big monkeys!!! SO, you have just got to get the tools you need to get over the depression that cocaine withdrawal insists upon. I strongly recommend an anti depressant ....You gotta know you're gonna get depressed.. you gotta tell your family you're gonna get depressed so that everyone can understand the rollercoaster of emotions you may well experience. The first time I quit I used acupuncture. The second time I quit I used prozac. They both helped and if I would've had the resources I would have used them both at the same time. Congratulations on continuing to keep trying to quit... you must know there are more overdoses on cocaine now than ever? I understand it's because the brain does grow special neurotransmitters to absorb the crap... so when you chip on it (meaning once in a while use) the transmitters are there to absorb the drug as fast as possible but our bodies are not in sync so here comes the heart attack!
You won't be judged here Jim.. Lot's of us here fighting to get our lives back and get the addiction demons out of our minds and bodies.. for good.
Like yourself I allowed the cocaine to snort me way beyond when I wanted to quit. Coke just does something to the brain.. it actually rewires your brain! I don't know if you read that article on Cocaine some years back in Time magazine.. anyway there are 3 monkeys in separated cages. One can choose Meth over food. One can choose Heroin over food. One can choose cocaine over food. The two monkeys on meth and heroin didn't allow themselves to die but the little monkey with the cocaine habit kept pushing that lever for another and then another blast of cocaine until it keeled over and died.... That's how powerful cocaine addiction is. We be just big monkeys!!! SO, you have just got to get the tools you need to get over the depression that cocaine withdrawal insists upon. I strongly recommend an anti depressant ....You gotta know you're gonna get depressed.. you gotta tell your family you're gonna get depressed so that everyone can understand the rollercoaster of emotions you may well experience. The first time I quit I used acupuncture. The second time I quit I used prozac. They both helped and if I would've had the resources I would have used them both at the same time. Congratulations on continuing to keep trying to quit... you must know there are more overdoses on cocaine now than ever? I understand it's because the brain does grow special neurotransmitters to absorb the crap... so when you chip on it (meaning once in a while use) the transmitters are there to absorb the drug as fast as possible but our bodies are not in sync so here comes the heart attack!
You won't be judged here Jim.. Lot's of us here fighting to get our lives back and get the addiction demons out of our minds and bodies.. for good.
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