zazen

It’s simple really. I’m ready to quit drinking. I’m going on ten years of being drunk. I’m one of those passive type drunks I think, who is quite sociable, easy going and ‘more fun to hang around’ when drunk. And now, I can’t cope in social situations sober or even around my own family. I'm bitter and depressed.

My anxiety has risen as my health, family and work has slowly deteriorated. I’m frankly tired of being tired, and I need help. I have not hit my ‘bottom’ but I know it’s right around the corner. My doctor says I have the liver of a 60 year old (I’m in my early 30’s). I’m also constantly agitated and snap at people all the time now. I’m done with this, and I want my life back.

I know the what, but I don’t know the ‘how’. I’ve tried a couple meetings and panicked the whole time there and once I left I raced to a bar, so for now, I’m staying away from the meetings until I have a little more control here. Which brings me to another issue. I have recently figured out that I have some major control issues. I can not stand being out of control, or rather not in control of my surroundings. This is a problem, and I finally realize that. Most of this has eased into recognition through my meditation practice, which by the way I do daily now. Also, I have recently joined a meditation group so I am at least around other sober folks and I’m not in a bar. This seems to be helping a little.

I don’t want to lose my family, or my life. I’m glad I found this forum and plan to jump in here every day while I sweat this out. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m scared. My family knows it’s a problem, but they do not know the extent of it. The sweats, the shakes, the anxiety and the lies. Thanks for listening and look forward to any advice to help this work.

Thanks.

Ted.

bob123

hey ted...your doing the right thing here ..stick around
Im on the 4th try and feeling like this time its for real..

Know one thing... from personal experience..the anxiety wont go away while your boozing.

few suggestions:
-read the posts and stickies about alcohlisim..AA ..aa alternatives.
-give AA a fair try.
-join various threads.. which are updated.. such as the "dont quit..". "party bus"..(theres others)
- post when your feeling bad/close to drinking.. you get great support here..

Ngokpa

Well, I'm not exactly mainstream AA, but it worked for me. They just said 90 meetings in 90 days, and don't drink between meetings. It wasn't like I was marrying AA. I ended up doing a lot more meetings than that, but it was my own experience that clinched the deal.

The meetings vary greatly--shop around. And check out alternatives if you like. There's a lot of good non-AA literature which I find more thorough and realistic, like "Beyond the Influence." But few people get sober on their own, because alcoholics are hard-wired to drink, and we go through predictable changes when we stop that our disease doesn't like--and our disease dictates a lot of how we think for a while.

Good luck!

gettingbetter32

Welcome!
This is a great place for you to get support and advice. There are so many others that have gone through what you're going through now, and although it's not pleasant, it is do-able. I'm so glad to hear you are meditating, I can't seem to do it myself, but I know many people who can't go a day without it. And if it works for you, wonderful. Maybe letting your family know exactely how bad things are would cure some of the anxiety, if they are supportive of you. Holding things in and worrying about them can reak havoc on our bodies and minds.
Just know that everyday gets a little better - and you are worth making this chance for yourself.
Stay strong!

Krista

hector

Hi, Ted. Thanks for posting. Welcome to SR.

We want to help, we really do. We're sincere about that.

Have you talked to your doctor about your anxiety and your control issues? Perhaps he/she can send you to a psychologist who can work with you without prescribing drugs. Psychiatrists, I think, would prescribe medication. I like your preference for meditation instead. Also, where are you with faith in God? If you don't have any, I'll give you some of mine.

Here's a meditation you might want to try (or not, it's up to you):

Think about the familiar phrase, "Be still and know that I am God" for a minute or two. Then drop a word, "Be still and know that I am". Think about that, then drop a word, "Be still and know that I..." Keep dropping a word at a time: "Be still and know that"...... "Be still and know".......... Be still and..." ............. "Be still"....... "Be"

For me, it ends the committee meeting in my head, stops racing thoughts, helps me relax. Works every time.

I've been sober over 17 3/4 years. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

CarolD

Hi Ted..Welcome!

For understanding alcoholism...I recommend...

"Under The influence"
and it's sequel
"Beyond The Influence"

they are carried by Amazon

Keep moving forward..

zazen

You guys are great, thanks for the inspiration. It's a little rough tonight. Just poured out what I had left in the cupboard...and that wasn't easy. I'm hanging in there. Eating like a horse, but I know it's part of the process. Thanks again.

Ghost Dog

Hang in there! I've been sober in AA for almost six months. I knew I had to quit but couldn't imagine how to go about doing it, until I finally hit a brutal bottom involving near-DTs and hospitalization (again). And I'm only 22. Give AA a fair shot or check out the alternatives (AA has done more for me than I ever could have expected prior to joining), and stick around!

zazen

In addition. I could use any advice regarding my wife and her understanding. I've told her that I'm sick and need to quit, and she supports that, but never 'totally' supports it. I mean, in the past when I tried to quit, it was as easy as saying 'screw it' wanna get a drink? She would shrug and say, sure. She does NOT have a drinking problem whatsoever and does not understand why I can't just 'have a couple'.

I feel that if she helped me when I crave by telling me no, I would listen to her, but she does not. I know this sounds simple and maybe trivial, but I don't know how to convey the importance that she helps me. Maybe I'm afraid that if she really knows and really helps me, that means she'll stop me from drinking and facing that scares me too. Which dissapoints me, makes me think I'm really not ready to quit, you know? It's like I want to ask her to help 'but not too much'....

Ugh. This is going to be a hard week. I'm sweating like crazy by the way, and it aint the heat

Fred

Hi Ted,
It's hard for others, including loved ones who don't have our illness, to comprehend why we just can't have a couple. I can't have a couple. My husband gets angry sometimes and my sister knows because I've told her, but she doesn't think I'm an alcoholic...translation: she doesn't want to know.
For me, I cannot understand being addicted to gambling. It simply doesn't "compute" for me. It almost ruined my grandfather. My mom takes her roll of quarters when she visits Vegas....I totally don't get it. But not getting it reminds me that others who don't have the problem with "John Barleycorn" don't get it with me either.
SR is a great place to find others that "get it". It useless, and maybe unfair, to expect the kind of support we really need from those that don't.
Do not let what others think stop you from getting the help and support you know you need. Nobody knows you like you do.
You're not alone and your SR friends understand.
Lets here in for clarity and regenerating livers!! Woohooo!!

zazen

Thanks, Fred, and thanks for everyones support. I think I'll pop in here and update periodically. Seems to clear my mind and help me focus. Hope that's cool.

Today is day 3 for me. I'm still tired, depressed, but there's a little clarity. I mean, I know it's part of the process. I coach my kids sports team and today is our first practice, so that may be tough, but I'll take a jog first and shake it off for a few hours. I can do it today, I know I can.

I'm a little worried about a trip coming up. I leave Friday for a week on a road trip (business). This means no road support. I feel confident, but when that monster creeps in, he creeps in. I'll fight him off though.

I just researched PAWS in another forum and was quite suprised. I have these symptoms and that scares me. It's motivating though, I can't live with this anymore, so I'm happy with quiting now. I hope I can eventually shake off PAWS too.

Thanks for listening.

igfan

i'm really P'O'D.....i just spent a half hour typing a reply and got logged out of the system and lost the post. UGH! I guess long story short Ted, is hang in there, you're in the right place. My story is VERY similar to yours and maybe i'll post more about it tomorrow morning....anyway i'm only on Day 1 having relapsed after 6 months of sobriety and 8+ months of not drinking and i normally wouldn't reply because i don't feel i have any ESH to share, but this is my story so i felt compelled to reply.......a lot of good that did me LOL

Anyway, hang in there! Maybe i'll tell you more tomorrow.

Cheryl

zazen

Thanks, Cheryl. Be sure to post that story, I'm looking for folks in the same boat. I know I'm not alone out there. Take care.

Anna

Hi Zazen,

It is really hard for others to understand how very hard stopping drinking is for us. That's why it's great to come here because people know what we're talking about.

Do you have a laptop you can take on the road or access to a computer? If so, you can bring SR along with you.

miss communicat

Hi Ted

I wanted to welcome you and to say that you are doing really great! Early sobriety can be a wild ride, with ups and downs, but this is an awesome place to come to and "clear your mind".

I have been sober 9 months through coming here for support as well as finding several AA meetings, getting a sponsor and working with the steps together. I am also a yoga teacher, so I have a meditation practice that helps with stress.

Oh, yeah. And chocolate ice cream. These work for me! Keep posting and don't give up!

zazen

Thanks 51 & Miss. I will have a laptop but this business requires a lot of focus so I wont have an opportunity to jump on. Hopefully I'll be so busy I'll punch right through the week.

Hey, I made it through today! I'm still sweating a lot and I'm scared to go to bed (anxiety), but there was this solid hour of just feeling great this evening that really pulled me through. I just sat on the couch and watched my kids play. I knew right there that I have no reason to screw my life up, and these little rascals are the reason to stay sober and alive.

On a side note. Tell me about sponsors. Boy, what I would do to have someone a phone call away sometimes to bring me back to earth before I 'make my move'. Do I have to be an experienced AA member or something?

You guys are awesome, thanks again for all the support. I've been reading these boards for a couple days now, and just listening to others in the same boat truly makes a difference. I'm not alone in this, I know that now.

By the way, speaking of trips. I'm going on a business trip/tour in a couple months for two weeks straight. This will be tortuous, I know it. I will be in an enviorment of 'liberal activities' nightly, it's the business I'll be in. What are some tips for being on the road and staying sober?

Man, I sure picked one heck of a time to quit. two road trips back to back. Ugh.

Hope

Hey- you are in a great place! You have tons of support here right at your fingertips. We are all here for you 24/7.

One day at a time.... you can do this!!

igfan

OK Ted, here's what i tried to tell you yesterday......my husband & i have drank together our entire relationship (20 years) and we drank the same, BUT he's one of those who can take it or leave it (honestly......it p!sses me off). Anyway, the first time i admitted i was powerless over alcohol was April 9, 2005.....i told my husband and he was of course a little surprised (because we drank the same....if he's not an alcoholic, how can i be?) So, i guess he was humoring me.......he said he would support whatever decision i made, said he wouldn't drink either......i told him i was going to try AA, once again he humored me and said he'd support whatever decision i made. Well, after a few weeks of me going to AA meetings (2 or 3 a week mind you which was not nearly enough) he started getting a little resentful of all the time i spent away from him & my family. After 45 days, we said "screw it" and started drinking again. Let me tell you, it's absolutley true when they say AA ruins your drinking......i immediately felt guilty, shameful and i picked up where i left off and was off & running like i never stopped.

Anyway, i made another attempt, kicked my meetings upto 3 or 4 each week, began seeing an addiction counselor.....that lasted 44 days, same "support" from my husband. Like i said yesterday......i just relapsed after having not drank since Jan 9, 2006 and being completely sober since March 10th (i was prescribed xanax for anxiety and immediately found my new DOC). Something was different this last time......it's like my husband had a "lightbulb" moment. He stopped drinking after the superbowl and he liked that we were "non-drinkers" now....our marriage was getting better, our communication was better, we were able to talk openly about my problem. The hardest thing i had to tell him was that i was going into an Outpatient Program (with the support of my employer) not only because i was alcoholic, but that i had developed a dependence on xanax. It's one thing to be an alcoholic, but a DRUG ADDICT? that's a whole different thing (we both had a stereotype in our minds of what an addict was & it wasn't me, so we thought).

Anyway, this is probably why i lost my post yesterday......it was too lengthy. Long story short.......my husband is 100% committed to helping me stay sober (he does not know that i've relapsed again.....). He realized that i was a happier person sober, we were happier sober, our children were happier.....when i would try to get "permission" to drink he would say......"you know that you don't really want to" or "you know once you start drinking you won't stop" or "do you really want to throw away all your hard work"....i guess the answer was "yes" cause that's what i did. We need to do this for ourselves, our spouses may support us, or they may not because they just can't understand why we can't just have one. All we can do is show them we're serious and hopefully they see positive changes and cross the river of denial with us. I'm on day two now.......i intend to do 90 in 90 (90 meetings in 90 days).

Not to drag this out, but your question regarding sponsorship and AA......"the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking". Go to a meeting, listen.....tell them you're new and in need of a temporary sponsor, get names and phone numbers (and USE them when you feel overwhelmed).

Hope this helps a little and i hope your wife gets to where my husband is.....ACCEPTANCE.

Cheryl

zazen

Hi everyone,

So, it's two years later since I started this thread.

I'm glad I found this again, it kinda hit me hard when I read it, cause not much has changed. I drink about 2-4 times a month and feel like crap about it all week between drinking. I was drinking more back when I started this thread but I still drink, that's the point and I'm back here again, because I'm ready to try this again.

I'm sick, haven't drank in 5 days and I'm feeling it. I've eaten so much sugar I can taste in in my mouth even after I brush my teeth. I've been carbing up for two days straight. I've also jumped back into meditation to calm the nerves which has helped tremendously, but I need support again.

I will try to stay close to this forum and listen to others. I can't promise anymore than that right now. But, my family needs me and even though I only drink a few days a month, it could easily get worse and I could damage the wonderful family I have, and that can't happen.

Thanks for listening.

Ted

K202

Ted - I too have returned to SR after my initial failed attempt about 4 months ago. I too dug up my original thread and read through it.

I would highly recommend starting a daily journal thread here on SR. It gives you a daily outlet and also a good method to reflect as you fight through the initial phases of breaking the habit and addiction. The first week was the toughest for me last time... I'm on day 2 now; just getting started again.

Good luck brother and remember - YOU ARE STRONGER THAN IT!