igfan

i don't know what to do. My sponsor said to call her when i was ready to get sober........i don't know that i'm ready, but i know i need to do something. I've only had .5 mg of xanax so far today (but that's because i only had 2 mg left so i guess i'm conserving until the next shipment arrives), BUT i made myself a "road soda" this morning. What the f*uck am i doing? Do I make an attempt to make things right with my sponsor? Do i look for onother sponsor? Do i keep doing what i'm doing until i truly hit bottom? GOD! PLEASE SEND ME THE RIGHT THOUGHT, WORD OR ACTION!

Luckyv2

Getting away from the last one isn't always easy. Matter of fact it is really hard. But I do know that it gets better in time. I know that I still have a craving once in a while but I also know that I don't have to act upon that craving. Matter of fact I don't want to get high. If I did want to get high I would probably get high. Yet I know where I will end up if I chose to go back out and I don't ever want to have to go down that road again. And the miracle is that I don't have to go down that road again.

Sometimes it takes more of us to go to deeper depth of hell before we realize that using isn't the way to solve anything. I know that I have learned a huge amount since my last relapse, and I just hope that I never forget where I could go. It is always waiting for me, however I don't have to wait for it any more. I hope that you throw away everything that you have and just don't use today no matter what.

Love Vic

cmc

Hi,
I think that your prayer has already been answered... but only we can decide on our actions... that part is up to you. I hope you will make a good decision and like Vic said... start now. Oftentimes I pray and fail to realize that he answer has been right in front me all along. You know what you need to do and not do. I hope you will be encouraged by what others have achieved in their recovery and follow their example. You can do it!!

Done_With_It

I would suggest getting to a meeting.
As you know we can only stop digging when we put down the shovel.
Your worth putting it down.
Get yourself some help before you get any worse.

(((....)))

Live

I don't know what a road soda is but I do know that xanax detox should be medically supervised if you have taken it for any length of time or in large dosages. If that is the case, please see a Dr as you risk seizures or even death. Eddie Z has recommended before that it be tapered slowly, no more than 1/2 mg per week and in substance abuse there is a thread with the Ashton manual that outlines a taper schedule.

dalin

we need you...it is a we program,and none of us does it alone

StrongR2Day

I'm so glad you are here. Vic is right, getting away from that last one is really tough. But it does get better.

You really need to see a doctor right away. Withdrawals from benzos are nothing to play around with. Live is absolutely right, you need some sort of medical supervision while you detox. Don't beat yourself up about it. None of us woke up one day and said "hey, I'd like to be an addict". It just happens. We aren't responsible for our disease, but we are responsible for our recovery.

Have you given any thought to what your going to do if it runs out before your new shipment gets there? First things first, you have got to get off this stuff safely. What are your options?

We DO need you, and I have all the faith in the world that you can do this if you are willing.

michski

Are you gonna see the sign if it does happen??? You'll never see the sign when you're screwed up that's for sure. Get down on your knees and pray for help and then do what you know you've got to do.. clean up!

ps. throw away the vodka. Stop drinking then you can deal with the friggin pills!:uzi2:

gettingbetter32

Hi,
Sit down, take a deep breath, and really THINK about what you want for yourself. Obviously it's not what you're doing now, or you wouldn't be reaching out for help. You've already given yourself the answer or "your sign", now you have to make a plan to follow on it. Whether it's through AA or for now being here at SR, you won't have to go it alone.
I'm glad you're reaching out, and look forward to an update.

oh, and please listen to what people have already posted about coming off the xanax, they know what they're talking about - be safe.

Fred

Ig,
I'm here pulling for you too!.
Ditto what GB said; listen to the Xanax advice. You need supervised withdrawal. Love yourself. You're worth it!

c'est la vie

Hey Igfan, did you make it to a meeting last night? Did you call your sponsor? Sometimes I feel if I just sit in a meeting it helps to calm me and see more clearly.

I hope you're able to have a really deep discussion with your sponsor to let her know how you feel about your recovery and her sponsorship. Maybe she will even help to find someone who better matches your needs. It would be terribly sad if your discomfort with your sponsor got in the way with your recovery and led to your spiral down. Very sad.

Just keep in my mind it is YOUR recovery and YOU must take the actions. As much as we all (or maybe it's just me) would like to sit in our misery and have someone come to us, take our hand, and fix us, it just doesn't work that way.

You've got a lot of prayers with the upstairs man,and I hope it's helping.

igfan

ok, i did it.....it's 4:30 am EST. (been up since 3:30) and i went to my car and dumped the vodka. One problem solved. I am out of xanax, i don't think i've used enough or long enough to experience severe withdrawals (but i'm not doctor). 4-6mg/day for 7 days, but there are 3 more orders in route (120 pills total). I spoke to my sponsor yesterday, i really like her but maybe she's just not tough enough for me. I'm going to ride that one out for now. I did go to a meeting last night, wouldn't you know it the reading was "there is a solution". I shared a little bit about what's been going on, the using, the drinking, the self destruction. I think i finally figured out why i keep doing this.....i feel i'm not worthy. I have a great husband, 2 great kids, but yet i don't feel worthy of them. I've always thought (even after 20 years) that my husband can do much better than me. What could he possibly see in me? I'm fat, i'm not ugly but i'm not attractive either, i've got a rotten attitude and disposition and i blame everyone for everything. I think that's what it all boils down to, so when i start doing well, cause i was doing well.....would have been SOBER 6 months yesterday and hadn't drank alcohol since Jan 9, 05....i think i start feeling the worthlessness......i'm not worthy of feeling good, being happy.

As far as the xanax, i'll cross that bridge when i get there. Thanks everyone, you may not think i'm listening, but i reprocess everything over & over until i find something that hits me.

Cheryl

saveYOURsoul

Be careful. I watched my boyfriend LOSE HIS MIND two weeks ago OD-ing or withdrawing from benzos. Be very honest with those around you, because if you're lucky enough to end up in the hospital and are unable to speak up for yourself, the doctors may misdiagnose you and/or cause more harm than good. The doctors pumped him with more benzos and he's still detoxing today. I'm glad he was there, but they could not help him until he "came down" and got honest.

He was 100% out of contact with reality and he hadn't done much that day... he was probably just withdrawing as he'd cut back drastically over the two weeks prior.

Tell your husband or sponsor or both what's coming in the mail. Tell on yourself. My boyfriend says he's happier than he's ever been today, because he doesn't have to lie anymore.

c'est la vie

Igfan, you ARE worth it. Don't they say that at every AA meeting? Sometimes it sounds like just another one liner, but it's true. There is not a person out there that deserves to drink or drug themselves to death.

I'm happy to hear that you spoke to your sponsor. I hope she can help find someone else you can work with.

Sugah

Cheryl, it is not any sponsor's job to make, change or veto your decisions for you.

It's not any sponsor's job to be your mother or babysitter.

It's a sponsor's job to lead you through the steps and lead you through the literature, but first, you have to be willing to walk that road.

That means dumping out your own booze, which you've done, and not placing those orders for more drugs.

She can't help you until you are ready and willing to stop, so how about not placing that responsibility on her?

That tough enough for you?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

igfan

Yes Sugah, that's what i need. I don't mean to sound like i'm blaming her because i know that nobody can keep me sober but myself. She's done more than her fair share for me, but what i really need is to surround myself with people who have been through the "process".....i don't think my sponsor has done all the steps herself (i'm not sure about that one). Anyway, you always tell it like it is, good, bad or ugly and i like that.....i need that...so feel free to smack upside the head whenever you feel it necessary. Thanks Sugah!

SoberNVa

Cngrats on dumping the vodka.Im proud of you for that. Please when the pills arrive,flushe them,hon.Those things are a bad situation waiting to happen.Is your sponsor aware that you have them on the way? You deserve fare better than what you are getting now,and that includes beating yourself up so much. Igfan you ARE worthy of the great husband and kids,and everything else good in your life. Obviously your hubby thinks so too,cause hes there!Hang in there and take care. Let your sponsor help you,thats what shes there for.
Becky

Sugah

Just for the record, Cheryl, I'm a strident pacifist. I don't even yell. And I hug. I hug a lot.

(((Cheryl)))

Prayers coming your way.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Sugah

P.S. You're welcome.

saveYOURsoul

Allow your husband his boundaries and trust his own decision-making. If this gets to be too much, hopefully he will say so. Until then, trust his words and actions to be his truth.

My boundaries and decisions have not always reflected my truth, but now that I am clean, they usually do. My life is easier (and so is theirs) when I allows others to speak up for themselves and I believe what they say.