lostlovetocrack

Hi everyone,, I think this is where I introduce myself -- I am new just joined today and I have to say I am so glad I found this site. I was looking on the search engine for narc-anon and somehow found here.
Anyway my husband is using I first found out in Oct 2004, I suspected he was using maybe 5 or 6 years before but he lied and got his way out of that. So come 2004 I found out for sure that he was using cocaine ,, to make matters worse we had bought a business a pub and he,, because of his associations made the business a "coke" bar. I was so mad when I found out -- see I had just had a baby I found out I was pregnant 1 1/2 mnths after we bought the business. and I worked everyday up to the time I had the baby and he took over after I had the baby and just got worse and worse into the coke. I was noticing bloody tissues, nasty attitude, he was always tired and was becoming my enemy, always fighting with me and treating me like I was out to get him. I didn't get it. I am so sad thinking about it.
So Fast foward to Nov 2005 after believing his lies that he stopped using and wanted to have his family and repair the marriage I find out not only is he still using but he is now smoking the cocaine by cooking it. Which was all foreign to me untill I researched it on the internet. He moved out in Nov and has not been back since and told me back in Feb 2006 that he "doesn't think he could survive in the marriage" He has changed so much -or he is finally showing his true self -- I don't know., I retained a lawyer back in June and he was served with papers for a divorce 8/14/06 because I don't know what else to do and he doesn't care. He doesn't help support the baby -- thanks to his coke parties and then my consequent rage the business is dead I mean really dead I worked last night and maybe 15 people came in the bar and it was FRIDAY!! I can't pay the bills there or at home and he doesn't care and just cries that he has no money-- meanwhile he works a job and has been keeping all his paychecks to himself since Oct 2005. His rent is $200.00 cheaper and no car payment -- I mean he doesn't even buy diapers!! He will ask if "anyone wants Icecream" and then say he has no money for me to give him some. I am so sick of it.
And of course he denies EVER having used drugs. How could he lie like that??? I mean he KNOWS I caught him.... 2X'S !! I have lost so much because of him and believing in him and trusting him and depending on him and loving him. And yet ,,,,, I wish he would just get better and we could put our family together again. How SICK am I ?? I married for better or for worse and I tried so hard to keep our marriage together --- I did and he kept fighting me every step of the way and when I stopped trying he didn't care. I don't think he ever really loved me. I don't think us being together had anything to do with love for him. Because I know others that have addiction problems but they still know who they love..... they still know not to let it get so far or they at least say I do love you but I am messed up. or something..... Nothing from my husband. He is I guess happy that we are getting divorced because he will be free. Free of everything
Thank you all for reading my ranting and letting me air this out. I hope I made some kind of sense. I appreciate any advise you have and any wisdom you may have to offer and thank you for allowing me to become apart of your group.

dave

My heart goes out to you and i hope everything works out.

lostlovetocrack

Thank you --thank you very much

ventuhome

Lostlove, for good instights into the addicted mind, please go to the "Nar-anon" list on this site and read the stickies, especially the ones called , "What addicts do". We would love to have you join us there too. There are many moms of young children and even some pregnant moms going thru the same thing you are going thru. Love and prayers go out to you.

michski

((((lostlove))))))

Crap! What an azzhole!!!!:uzi2:


Please don't pass go or collect 200 dollars but DO go to your local naranon meetings and joing the other fine women here at SR who have also walked in your mocassins.

I'm so sorry that this has happened.. don't feel bad for believing in marriage and sticking too long. Lots of us have been there, been burned and moved on to happy, successful lives that are relatively drama free.

MeggieStar

Hi lost,

Welcome! There's lots of support here and others who have gone through similar things. Please check out the NarAnon board and post there as well...lots more advice to be had.

Thanks for joining us. I'm sorry for your pain but you are not alone.

Hugs!

lostlovetocrack

Thank you all I realize now that I am in the wrong spot but I saw "New" and thought if you were new to here This web site that you post here first.
I am going to try and get to a meeting and I will move over to the narcanon thread board --
I thank you all again for being so welcoming....

lostlovetocrack

thank you I will check that out -- thank you all again

lostlovetocrack

I know deep down that my life isn't over it just hurts that I thought I had it in place -- I thought when I married him it would be forever. I don't mean perfect just that we would work things out together.