mygirls_mylife

Not that I am going to drink, I havent even thought about. I have no DESIRE, thanks be to God. Yesterday my daughter gets home from Kindergarten and starts in with her stuff. Whining, not listening etc. I thought to myself, SELF.... two months ago you would be thinking," man can i open that wine yet, or is it too early for a vodka and juice?"

I started thinking about the insanity we perpetuated in our daily life. I found a reason to drink FOR EVERYTHING. My daughter is annoying me...time to drink. I had a fight with my husband....time to drink. I got a job, woohooo.....time to drink. I left work early...time to drink. I get upset or even happy over some minute thing and its time to drink?

Why do we do that to ourselves? Why is alcohol the cure all to beat all? Why do we use it to celebrate, mourn, vent or relax. What made it so darn exciting? Why did we do this to ourselves??????? I wanna understand the WHY WHY WHY? WHy did I do this to myself?

I will always be an ALCOHOLIC. WHY?

mygirls_mylife

Oops Lol

Anna

We do it because we don't know how or not able to cope with the everyday emotions and feelings we experience. I think often we begin to bury our feelings in childhood and continue into adulthood. The more we bury, the more scary it gets to actually face things. I did the same thing that you did - everything that happened, good or bad, was a reason to drink. It seems strange now, but that's all I knew how to do at that time. One of my favotie quotes is from the amazing Maya Angelou: "I did then what I knew how to do and when I knew better... I did better!"

Krys_wyo

I invented my own triggers to trigger my trigger....LOL does that make any kind of sense???
I shouldnt drink cause one of the kids has practice tonight but hubby will be home by that time hopefully so he can drive so i better go buy beer now and drink.
OMG baby claire is shawns baby not phillips woohoo (soap opera celebrations) that deserves a beer..LOL......whatever, i was such a loser!!!

mygirls_mylife

LOSER?? no. Addict yes. we hide our emotions behind alcohol. I just wish I could understand why I EVER decided that that was a good idea.

scootinbabe

i hear ya sister! i am exactly the same way! i could find a reason to drink in anything! you know, it's raining, it's snowing, we're on vacation, i'm bored, my husband is crabby, my kids are driving me crazy, my life sucks, i'm happy, we're out to eat, we're eating at home, i deserve it, it's my birthday, it's someone's birthday--it's always happy hour somewhere, isn't it?

yikes!

about questioning "why?", I think it's normal to question when something bad happens--no matter what it is, we ask why did God let this happen?

when my husband recently had a heart attack--and he's young, fit and scored fabulously in all his blood tests and stress tests--he kept asking "why?" still does.

when one of my good friends lost her son to an absolutely absurd accident at age 4, we all asked "why?"

why can't we drink without addiction? why us?

hmmmm...

when human logic fails, i think that God is using this in a plan greater than my little conscious sphere or reality. you or i might not see how God is using us, but someone somewhere will--and will be helped by it.

when my mom was suffering, my father stayed with her 24/7. years later, men my age and younger came up to me and said what an example my father had been to them and how his behavior had taught them about love in a marriage. and all that time, my family was asking "why?"

why ask why? perhaps it's not for us to know.

i do know that you are helping me get through this. maybe that's why

RubyT

I sunk to a new low the night I had to drink to get thru my daughters high school graduation...my baby was growing up, I'm so proud and sad...yadda, yadda, yadda. She was so disgusted with me on what should have been HER night! I can find every excuse under the sun to drink. Football season will be interesting this year...Krys you toast the soaps...I toast every Peyton Manning touchdown pass! But we're not losers! A little misguided perhaps.

Krys_wyo

Ruby I too am a football junkie, i am a huge Bronco fan and an big Manning fan Peyton and Eli (i lived in mississippi during his days at ole miss) , The only time I would EVER drink before noon was football day, and It was football day there fore the noon rule didnt apply so i wasnt an alcoholic and i wasnt drinking alone cause Peyton or Eli or Jake Plummer was there,
I to dread football season, i dread the superbowl, how do we have a superbowl party without drinking???......it is all down the road ahead and like everyday before this one, all i can do is right now.

NYCGirl

I guess when you drink most of the time like I did everything is a trigger, leaving work, going to a PTA meeting, gong to the kids football game, getting in the boat cooking dinner, house cleaning (biggy), I either drank Before and during most events. I had cohorts that would drink with me. one friend and I would bring vodka a mixer in a water bottle to parents nights it just seemed the thing to do!

I had interesting thought as I was driving up 75 to Tampa to get on the plane home today. Much of Florida's alot like my town, people come for vacation they party the whole time they're there and then they go home... but I would keep partying and I was home. Maybe that's what attracted me to SJ was the fact that i could always find a party... hmm.

Anyway back to the trigger thing, I look at my old triggers now and can say, l used to have a drink when I did that, but i really like it better this way. I think of how I would end up, maybe babbling of the ear of another mom wondering if she knew I had been drinking hoping I don't get stopped driving home, or sneaking away to the liquor store for just a little more and I now I ask my self why or what possesed me to drink like that?

Look at those old triggers and thumb your nose at them....:uzi2:

Luckyv2

My whole town and situations here are triggers, however I have learned to deal with them, by calling my sponsor, by going to meetings and talking about them, by changing all the people that I used to hang around with, by changing. I don't know if I have changed much but others tell me that I have so I guess I will believe them.

Knowing that everything is a trigger helps also to keep away from everything! UM Does that make sense ....I anyway try to stay positive and try not to dwell on it, keep focused on recovery and let recovery be your new trigger.

Love Vic

2dayzmuse

Yep, I can relate to the triggers. Honestly, I'm surprised to say that I really had to think hard to what my triggers were. I no longer have them, but back in the day, everything was a trigger because I did nothing with out a drink. If I didn't have a reason to drink, I would find one. Now, the triggers have faded away... I'm very grateful for that.

I see you are going through the why stage of recovery. I believe that to be very normal and we all experience it. I think you get past that over time and realize it just is. It is and we accept it, or not. In accepting it we move forward and learn to deal with our alcoholism and thrive. I have been taken down by alcoholism, but I also have risen because of it. What a gift it truly has been.

It has taken time to come to that realization. I have addressed some very deep resentments and characteristics I never would have, if had it not been for my addiction to alcohol. Today, I am a grateful alcoholic. My disease has pushed my to seek help. In doing so, I have found myself. I had to lose myself completely to find myself. I guess I can say that I have come full circle.

It is strange to think about it. My drinking seems like a lifetime ago, but at times it seems like yesterday. Weird. Thank God for hope and a solution. I never thought it would be possible to look at my life in hindsight and feel this way. There was a time that all I felt was helplessness and I clung to the idea of hope. Now I can say the idea of hope is truth.

mygirls_mylife

scootinbabe- thank you so much for that. You are right, it is maybe so we can do something else that maybe we couldnt if we werent alcoholics. When I first started this journey I thought about being a nurse, then I thought maybe I hadn't let God make that decision. So i have held off on school a semester to see if everything falls into place. However now, I am having thoughts of maybe being a drug and alcohol counselor or perhaprs, dare I say it, a minister?

I know all this is for a reason, I just am having a hard time understanding how i let it get so bad. I mean I know I was an alcoholic from day one, I know this. Somethings are beyond our control, however I never should have picked it up, I was predisposed for alcoholism.

Tonight I had the biggest urge that I have had since I quit drinking to drink. It was rum and it was right in front of me. But I fought it down and refused to start this over again, I REFUSE to let it have me again. I WILL NOT GIVE UP THE FIGHT. Eventually it wont be a fight, it will just be a way of life.

muse - you are always so insightful I do appreciate your thoughts and your right I did have to lose myself in order to start finding myself again. I used to be so fun and quippy. Somewhere along the line I became miserable and jaded. God help me, I dont want to be like that. I will NOT be like that.

LETS ALL NOT GIVE UP THE FIGHT and know that God has a plan whether we understand WHY or NOT.

2dayzmuse

I can not deny how much better my life has become since I quit drinking. Better yet, the best is yet to come. Keep fighting...

TexasDawn

Why? Why? Why? Ha, good question.

Because we are alcoholics.

We have a disease that lies to us and tells us that we don't have a disease.

Keep having faith - it does get easier. You might be having a bit of that euphoric recall right now too. Try remembering the reasons that you quit, and then maybe the other things won't be as triggering. I wanted to drink everyday for nearly EVERY reason or situation that came up. I never thought that alcohol could be so addictive. And I finally got a dose of reality when I learned that alcoholism really is a progressive disease.

Yep...we want to drink because we are alcoholics.

But we can't drink because we are alcoholics.

It doesn't seem fair does it? It's one of life's conundrums!

Oh I wish I could be more encouraging right now. Guess I am just tired and ready to go to bed. But here's looking on the bright side: I get to go to my son's soccer game tomorrow morning and I will not have a hangover! yeah!

2dayzmuse

Looking on the bright side. I get to celebrate my daughter's 14th Birthday sober. Yeah!

Arura

(((Star))) Well done on not giving in to your addiction and having a drink, thats Fanbloodytastic... you STAR...!

I went thro the why me bit with a few things too...!!!

Im PROUD of YOUR determination to stay sober and see alchol for what it is.! A great big fat lie...! ...

I could pick a reason out of the air to drink,use drugs, or jump off the damn roof...! But I know that I want to live more than I want to die.!

Addiction does not discriminate...! it can get at anyone.! {poor Mel gibson...!}

Muse i love your stength and insight and the willingness to share that with us... Thank you...!

Hope today is better for you honi....xXx...

Big Hugs to ya

c'est la vie

thank you for this thread mgml. I also have triggers surrounding me daily.

Sometimes I get bogged down with the "WHY?" I feel like I should have tried harder when I noticed things going wrong a few years ago. I wonder if I would have nipped it in the bud, would things be OK today. When I read Muse's thoughts I realize that it probably was the best thing to happen (in a very weird way) because now I'm really looking deep at the root of my emotional insecurity and taking steps to improve my life from the inside out. I'm not just controlling my alcohol intake while drowning in the emotional mud.

At one of my first meetings I heard a woman say something about "the gift of desperation". I can completely relate to that now.

NEEDTOBESOBER

Everythimg amd every excuse was a trigger for me . fightimg w/husband, when son was on drugs and fighting with him, feeling lonely, losing a job, being unemployed, being around other people who drank , to go to sleep, the list goes on and on and now that I am sober, I think the solution is to learn to cope with problems without alcohol- I don't think I have ever learned that skill and there have been a few times since I been sober i would start crying cause of the smallest thing that would upset me. And then sometimes I think WHY ME? Why was it me who got stuck with this awful disease and cant drink like normal people?

baldrick

i can relate to the feeling, I would be capable of celebrating the invention of the door-bell if I would have run out of other reasons...

But I have also plenty of triggers not to drink... when i read stories of livercyrrhosis, when i think about embarassing situations I could get in if I start drinking... when i feel or will feel just under my rib-cage...

to me it helps to focus on them when I feel the urge... It's sad to say, but to hear/read an alcohol-horror story a day, keeps the hangover away...

sofoclese

The recurring cycles of reason to support drinking - to me it added so much to my post-drinking depression, the realisation that my reason wasnt infact ''my reason', but a strange, contemptuous obsession which had always made me a stranger to myself.