smac

Hi yall, im new to this sight, and havent had a drink in a little over 3 days. Usually after work I would go out with the girls for a couple or 10, but since i havent been doing that i feel like i have been able to focus more on whats going on around me.

My son is 12, he's sweet, caring,and has the face of an angel. I have raised him alone since his dad moved to Florida when he was 5, we were not married. Anyway, my son and I got into a big arguement over him not doing what he was told to do. ( he loves to try and out smart me). Cause a lot of times I would have a buzz from drinking and just let things go his way. I was upset with him in the car and reached over to spat him on the leg, its been a long long time since he has had a spanking. I missed and hit, he said "his penis". He became really upset and began to yell and even said a cuss word (****) so then I went to smac his mouth, not hard, just to let him know he's not gonna cuss me, and he raised his fist back at me like he was going to hit me. In the mean time we are yelling at one another and I grabbed his arm and told him he was not gonna treat me that way and to get in the house and go to his room. He has never raised his hand to me before but when he did I could see all this anger in him. It really scared me. Although he is little for his age I know I can still physically handle him, just the anger in his little face was aweful.

Yall, I do everything for this child, take him and his friends around where ever they want. Let them hang out at our house, cook all his favorite foods,and try to make things fun for him. But when I try to discipline him he just will not listen, when I say be home at 5 he says 6 then calls and begs for 7. I am so frustrated. He has saw me buzzed before from drinking but never drunk.
Is he acting out at me because of that? Or just going thriugh the teenage phase, he will be 13 next month. He usually spends a few weeks in the summer with his dad but not this year and that is the only time he communicates with him other than the phone. By the way hes an A/H and we have never gotten along. He is no support what so ever and even laughs at me when I ask him to speak to Jacob about things. He loves to hear I am having problems because Jacob is always good with him and he thinks that makes him a good daddy cause he doesnt give him any trouble. (whatever) how much trouble could he be in 2 weeks out of the year.

Anyway, Jacob I are not really speaking because he has never acted that way toward me and it really hurt my feelings. Maybe I should try and talk to him and be the parent. We have always been close until the past few weeks.

Help from parents who have managed to make it through the teen years!

Anna

Hi,

I know how hard it is to get through the teenage years and 12 is a very difficult age. I'm going to be honest with you about what I felt when I was reading your post. I lost my patience with my kids too and yelled at them, so please understand I am not judging you. But, you are focusing on what your son did to you on how he reacted. But, you said, that you were arguing and you raised your hand to hit him on the leg before he became physical. This tells you that you need to step back and find a better way to communicate, which is very hard. You say you can still physically handle him, but is that what you want. Wouldn't it be better to have a relationship of respect going both ways?

And, I suspect he may be acting out right now because you have changed. You are a different person for the last few days and that's rocking the boat. He may be reacting to not being able to manipulate you as well and, you may also be a bit short-tempered. I know I was miserable when I stopped drinking.

Use this as an opportunity to talk and come to an understanding. I wish you well because I had two teenagers and it's REALLY hard and they don't thank you for your hard work either. At least not when they're teenagers. But, it will pay off for sure, later on.

smac

Thank you Anna thats makes me feel much better and you are sooo right. My mom said his hormones are raging and probably so are mine. I will find a way to talk to him later. He is my world and I hate to see him hurt.Thanks for your wisdom. I bet your Kids are very Proud to have you as a mom.

Candy Scratch

Mamacat and smac,
I am the mom of 3 - aged 6, 9 and 13. I adore adore adore my children. They know I drink and they know I am trying to stop. They are my best and most important allies. Of course, I never ever put any impetus on them to do anything at all and they're not even aware of the fact that they (and mostly only they) motivate me to stop drinking.

The saddest part of this entire equation is that they don't even know what they are missing. I DO.

God, I love them more than anything else - much more than alcohol. Yet, then, why is it so dang blasted hard to get over this?????????????

WHY in the same breath do I discuss my brother (in ICU for alcoholism) and what is good and right for him and then completely disengage myself, as if I am somehow not connected to this thing? As if none of my good words apply to me? This is a really evil drug.

BigSis

Anna is one wise woman, Smac. You might want to read what she wrote again... I wish I could have known what she writes back when I was first dealing with teens.

My name is BigSis and I am an alcoholic - sober since before I got pregnant with my oldest (he's 21, now).

I was raised by active alcoholics who didn't have very many tools for dealing with children. What I know from that experience, is that they hit ME, when they were upset with THEIR issues.... if they had no issues, they were able to deal with me and my siblings..... when they had issues (and being active, they often did), then my siblings and I got BLAMED for how they felt and often they unloaded on us.

Fully sober, Mr. Big and I struggled with raising our two children through their teen years. When I "smacked" my kids, it was - just like my parents - when *I* was upset with other issues.

Learning to recognize when *I* was getting upset - before it got to the point of frustration - has taken LOTS and LOTS of work. Mr. Big and I divorced and went through three years of anger management counseling - while sober - and still struggled.

I can't imagine doing that kind of work while I was still drinking... it would have just been easier to get buzzed.

I can say that I was not a perfect parent... but I was sober, and I did the best I could...

Focusing on myself and what I can control (and not control) has been the key to relationships for me, lately. I applaud you for coming here, being honest and reaching out. I hope you can continue to do so.

((((SMAC))))

ndgrace

((smac)), my son is 18. It was about the age of 13 that I felt someone took away my little boy one night and replaced him with another child. This child was angry, and unkind to me, and hurt me to the bone. I read a book called "raising boys" by James Dobson, and it helped tremendously to see the stages they go through.
This all said and done, he admits now he did not know why he was angry??Hormones, maybe. My drinking, possibly. He will fiqure it out. I had to do what was best for me at the time,(sobriety) and pray he will work out his stuff. In the mean time keep the communication open. I also found they don't need us catering to them , as much as they just need that unconditional love.He is just now appreciating the sacrifices made for him.
I was shown how to have the gift of sobriety, (his age 14-16), went back out and am not actively involved in AA again. Life is so much better and easier to deal with sober. The problems are still there, but so are the tools to deal with them. Keep posting, there is a lot of wisdom here.

NEEDTOBESOBER

I have an 18 yr old and 12 yr old, both boys and around 12 or 13 is when they started acting that way and I think it doesnt matter whether you had a drinking problem and changed or you dont drink at all, I don't think it matters what you are like or going through, they are testing you at that age.

scootinbabe

Hi there! first off, congratulations on not drinking after having this fight! that's a big deal. and i'm going through some of the same stuff as i quit drinking too--all of a sudden, you're sober and you see some of the things that have gotten out of hand while you're in denial and drinking....

that said, from what i see the early and mid-teenage years are the worst. i have a bevy of nieces who've gone through those years and i've seen the struggles. if it gives you any consolation, this is all normal. jacob is going through a lot of changes (physically, emotionally etc.) in a short amount of time and this is a phase that will pass in time.

i'm going to try to give you some advice with all good intentions. take what you can--if anything--from it.

here goes: i have absolutely no experience with teenage boys but do have some with toddlers. from what i understand the early teenage years are really a second toddlerhood. kids are testing boundaries. they want to rebel and assert their independence, but yet need and depend on boundaries and rules from their parents. if you think about it, the behavior of my little ones (who are hitting me, talking back, using pottytalk, and telling me they hate me) isn't that different than what you are getting from your son.

no matter what your kid says or how he acts, he wants to know that you are there for him and that you love him unconditionally. make sure that you tell him those things (i'm sure you do but just a reminder). he's testing you: are you going to give up on him if he acts out?

let him know that is not your job to be his friend or make him like you, but that you were put here on earth to help raise him to be a good man equipped to live fully in the world.

he's testing you. how far can he push you? how far can he push his boundaries? you show love and dependability to him by giving and enforcing set rules about his behavior. you are just trying to do your job by making and enforcing the rules.

he also looks to you as a role model and will follow your lead for his behavior. he's testing you. can he push you so that you get physical? can he then turn around and get physical back?

every book that i've read and every parent i admire says the same thing: "consistency is the key." make a rule. describe the punishment, and stick to it. every time. he's testing you: can he get away with it this time?

i know that i've been inconsistent with my discipline and it's caused me problems. part of that may have been my personality and part of it might be related to alcohol. regardless, i now need to set definite rules and enforce them consistently. so in your case, before a situation occurs that could escalate into yelling/hitting, set the boundary and reward/punishment ahead of time. then, when he doesn't do, you'll both know the consequences. you won't have to yell, and if he does, you can just say "you know the rule, you broke the rule. you know that i love you, but that also means that i have to raise you right and you know the punishment."

but even before that, it's a better motivator to use a reward system. so if you set a rule and he keeps it, recognize it and reward it. goofy as it may seem, think about that gold star system that kindergarten uses. everytime he does something without asking or follows a rule, give him a star. then, when he gets so many, reward him with something he really likes (a baseball game, a videogame, new sneakers etc.)

Someone recently told me about a weekly chart that you can make. anytime the child breaks a rule you put a checkmark in that day. if he then does something nice (like help you put the dishes in the sink without being asked etc.) you "x" out the checkmark. at the end of the week, you reward based on the number of blank days on the chart. for reward, you use whatever motivates your kid--videogame time, money, etc. it might be worth a try.

talk to your son about your feelings. he's old enough to understand. try to keep communication going between the two of you because it will only get harder over the next few years. one hint that i've been told is to talk to your son while doing things together--like while you're raking leaves or watching a game. girls apparently can sit and talk but boys open up better if they are doing something physical with you. another thing to keep in your back pocket in case you need it...

okay, enough rambling.

now, smac, i expect you to give me all kinds of advice when my kids get to be jacob's age! you will be an even better expert by then!

hang in there--i think it'll get worse before it gets better. but, you will get through and hopefully, you'll get through it together. jacob will turn back into a rational human being around age 18-19 and you will both laugh about these days.




hope this helps.