Lollipop

Evenin All

I hate to "beat a dead horse" here but I am at my wits end and need some input AGAIN!

Yup......it is about my Dad.....AGAIN!!!!! quick and to the point, here is the deal....

My daughter and son-in-law came over today.....(this is the son in law that, just a few weeks ago, Dad decided to lie to and tell him I have been "stealing/sneaking" his beer etc.)
(Now mind you, Dad just finally apoligized to me the other night for not supporting my sobriety etc)
Anyhoo...... Everything is going fine, we are sitting outside and chatting, I need to run to the store and ask SIL to move his car as it is blocking me in.....Dad pipes up and says "why dont you just drive her" ....daughter says "he cant grandpa, he has drank 4 beers".....
And out of my Dads freaking mouth comes......(and VERY crappy I must add) "Well....4 beers.....and how many has SHE (meaning me) HAD???????!!!"

Uh folks.....I had a can of DIET COKE in my hand!!!!!!!!! Right away, hubby and daughter look at him as if he has grown horns and defend me, letting him know I have NOT had ANY alcohol!!!! Instead of apoligizing for his mistake, he says "OH! Well, I cant tell what kind of can she has in her can cooler, I just assumed she was drinking!"

I just shook my had in sadness for him as he was already well on his way to being completely drunk and I have noticed that especially here lately, when he gets to that point, he gets very short and hateful. Always seeming to put me in the mix for blame or a target etc. I am learning to make sure I am holed up in my room and only available as needed in the late afternoon/evenings so as to avoid the verbal abuse but geeeeezzzz.......I am having such a hard time with this and him. I have now realized that I didnt drink daily, and was able to maintain myself on occasion with my drinking until one day about 6 months after moving home from Texas to take care of my parents, I discovered I was drinking daily with them. I am not blaming them for my addiction by far but I am now understanding that one of the reasons I did drink was to cope with my Dad being drunk. Does that even make sense?

Oh and Mom is so far in denial, she makes every excuse in the book for his behavior......he is really worried about his upcoming surgery, he is worried about the finances etc you name it, when I try to talk to her about making changes, she will give me a grocery list of why now is "not a good time"

I am so stressed and do not know what to do or where to turn, I have ZERO recources to help me here with their care. But I am misreable living with them. I sorda put my life on hold to take care of them almost 3 years ago but it seems that things just keep getting worse, or maybe it was always this way and I just didnt know it because I was drinking, I dont know.

I told hubby today that when Dad goes in for surgery a week from tomorrow, things have GOT to change or I am seriously thinking about us finding a new home and moving out, but then I would still be here every day and still have all the responsibilities that I do now only trying to run 2 households instead of one but I am seriously at my wits end and dont know where to start.

Any input or suggestions would so greatly be appreciated and as always, thank you for letting me vent, I feel like such a whiner!!!!

Liss

GreenTea

Let it out!!! ... I know what its like being a target and being unappreciated. You have to realize that its not your fault, (easier said than done). Its hard to rise above it all when emotions and family are involved, but you CAN do it.

It definitely sounds like Dad is trying to use you to deflect attention away from his problem. Being your Dad, he knows where all your buttons are, but don't "buy into" it -- don't dignify it by responding to it.

I might have said something like, "yeeeaaah, okay dad..." (turning to SIL) "...so let's go move that car now so I can get to the store."

You're not a whiner. That's part of what this place is about -- so you have somewhere to let it out.

CarolD

When I pray for peace of mind it helps.

I am shocked that your Dad is having surgery
Does the doctor know how much he drinks/smokes?
Very strange.

I lived with family for 4 years and it was a mess.
Amd no one drank!
I finally found a housing project for low income elders.
I love my own place!

Praying for all of you..

Dreamz

Lollipop

Thanks GT, Carol and Dreamz,

Carol, to answer your question about the surgery, he is having arterial bypass surgery in both of his legs. The blockage is so bad that to not have the surgery could result in him actually losing his legs. All of his doctors, from his GP to his lung doc, to his surgeon know that he smokes and drinks abusively. they are all in contact with each other and are monitoring him together. Dad has it in his head that he isnt going to wake up from surgery....go figure.

One of the topics at last night's meeting was Expectations, it was interesting, and as always, I learned some insight into myself. I know I cannot change him nor can I expect him to change, I am working on how to handle my dissapointments realistically especially when it comes to my Dad. Reality and Acceptance play a role here as well, I just have to learn how to make the proper changes. It is just so hard.

Thanks again all,
Love Liss

mygirls_mylife

Well, one step forward, two back. It definitely does sound like he is tryng to detour attention away from him. Don't let him get to you. If he is like my dad he is trying to get a rise anyways.
(((Liss))))

Star

NEEDTOBESOBER

Lollipop, I can relate to you and your Dad , although I don't live w/him-thank god- my son had been living with them for the last year and he and my father got into it cause my father was always accusing him of doing drugs since he had a previous drug problem-long story so when we went to get some of his clothes so he could move back in w/us, my father asked if I had been drinking and I had quit was on about my 4th day of sobriety and I said NO, I QUIT!! THEN he said well i thought i smelled something on you, i said you might be smelling cigarette smoke and it just pisses me off sometimes cause my dad used to let me and my sister drink when we were growing up and then i eventually started drinking more to deal with him and his bad temper, he doesn't drink anymore. He admitted to me after i told him i was letting my son drink that he made a mistake by letting me drink when i was younger.

GeorgiaPeach

Hey Lolli!

1st, glad that you liked the Mayo! Maybe you can ask your local grocery store to start stocking it.

Now, I know exactly what you are going through with your dad except mine was my AH. I know that you say that if you move then you will have to run 2households but wuldn't that be a lot less stressful than the verbal abuse that you are receiving daily from your dad? I know that he does not mean the things that he says and it is the alcohol talking but that doesn't matter! You would at least have your sanity, your self esteem and your own house where you didn't have to tiptoe around and close yourself up in your own house. Then you could actually enjoy your daughter & SIL company without worrying about what your dad is going to say. You can still take care of them but you will have your own life as well and the two would be separate if you want or need them to be. This way, you can always go HOME when he starts in on you and you can enjoy your family and your sobriety and only have to tolerate him when you want to and not EVERY night where you have no where to go to get away from the constant attacks on you and your sobriety. Let me know if I can do anything or if you just want to talk!

GP