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Freaking Out

Old 08-16-2006, 09:37 AM
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Angry Freaking Out

today is day 20. I am scared, When I sleep I am having terrible dreams. I dream about all the horrible things I have done. My family no longer wants me, I have no friends, the ones I had hate me. This distruction has been going on longer than I care to admit. I am married and love my husband but past loves haunt me. I was so horrible to so many people. I am afraid to sleep because of the dreams, but if I don't sleep I am so tired and miserable. I am scarded today! I do not know why I am so miserable. I wake up and cry and am afraid to sleep. Sobriety sucks and I am scared! Help me!
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Old 08-16-2006, 09:41 AM
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it doesnt suck. these feelings are normal. you will get to the step to fix all friends and family stuff. i know how you feel though. try to hang in there. we all are here for you.

mertyl
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Old 08-16-2006, 10:01 AM
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Time will heal all wounds. Give it some time to get over the immense guilt. The further all the bad stuff lies in the past, the easier it will get to cope with it and to forgive yourself.
Good luck!
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Old 08-16-2006, 10:06 AM
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Welcome to Day 20...

When I started telling my AA group about my dreams, I heard chuckles around the room (and immediately became paranoid, "Why are you laughing at me?")... they were laughing because they could understand, they'd experienced the same thing, the same fears, the same "THIS SUCKS!!" attitudes.

So, I write to you with a slight grin, of understanding/shared experience.

One of my recovery books suggested that I journal my dreams, even if they made no sense, brought about feelings of shame, or whatever. At first, I thought it was stupid but did it anyway, because someone "told me to."
So, I did, and it helped. After a few weeks, or a month, I will sometimes go back to a dream that was horrifying or confusing, and realize that I can understand it now.

For me, it helped to "move" those thoughts from my subconscious to my conscious mind, so that I could deal with them in logical terms. Have you thought about it?

Have you called a sponsor, official or unofficial?
a friend in recovery?
found a meeting?
expressed your feelings to your spouse (sometimes a good idea, sometimes a bad idea, depending)?

You did the right thing in coming to SR and telling us...that is progress. Hang in there.

I've recently had an image (like a video clip) playing in my mind, expressing to myself the difference in what I thought recovery was vs. what it really it. I feel grateful that I've been given the opportunity to share it with you.

It is the image of myself after I've presumable fallen deep down into a dark, damp, smelly old abandoned well. I look up and see someone--an AA buddy--standing above, outside. I call out for help, reaching up my arm, hoping to feel a rope or another hand grip around my own. I feel nothing. This person shows no emotion, nor expresses anything to me. I look away, then feel something hard hit me in the head. I yelp out, "Hey! What are you trying to do?!? I asked you to help get me out of here!" I feel something else skid past my shoulder, then a few smaller things, then another heavy item. By now, I'm really getting steamed. I holler up some choice words, shaking my fist, and saying, "If you're not going to help me, you could at least stop trying to kill me!" The person remains standing just outside, in the warm, dry sun. I shake my head, angry that the one person who is capable of helping me, refuses to do so.

I give up. I drop to my knees. I decide it's not worth it.

Then, I start feeling around me. I pick something up, noticing it's size, weight and shape. I find something that seems like a toggle switch, and I fiddle with it. A bright beam fills the darkness... It's a flashlight! I use it to see all the other items that were dropped on my head...rope, chain, a hammer, and numerous other items that I could use to get myself out of that awful place.

That's what AA has done for me.

God Bless you,
Kari
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Old 08-16-2006, 05:18 PM
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Relax = Relapse
 
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Now you can feel , and you arent numbing your feelings, its intense at first but I found that it got better with everyclean and sober day, I would be fine for a week and then all of a sudden 'boom' it came crashing down, just hang in there,It gets way better, my worst day sober is better than my best day drunk, God loves you.
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Old 08-16-2006, 05:41 PM
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I suspect Gymrat that you are just experiencing all of the emotions that you've been medicating away. I think it's normal to go through that when you stop drinking. It's like everything that you've been avoiding comes up to meet you and you have to deal with and get through it. Just try to be patient and work through your emotions. Experience the emotions and then let them go, release them.

Journalling is also a powerful tool to use at this time. I experienced a huge amount of guilt and shame when I stopped drinking. A year later, it was still the same. A wonderful lady, here at SR, convinced me to write down my feelings. I really resisted and didn't want to, didn't want to see it all in writing. But, I did and it worked so well! Each experience that I wrote about just lifted from my shoulders. It was truly a gift.
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Old 08-16-2006, 05:55 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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Here is an interesting link..

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

Your body and mind are ridding themselves of toxins.
So you feel unsettled.

You do not want to re start your addiction...

Stay in focus...the future is yours! Blessings
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Old 08-16-2006, 06:03 PM
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Dreamz do come true!!!
 
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I get scared of my dreams sometimes. I dream I'm relapsing then I wake up and I'm sometimes even a bit sad because sometimes I desperately want to use again. Thats why sometimes I get scared to sleep. I don't want to go back to those feelings of cravings. I've done well for so long I don't want to destroy it all by one bad dream. Then, like you, I am grumpy and moody the next day. I have learnt that quitting was never meant to be a walk in the park, no-one said it was easy - all we have to do is stay strong and know that eventuallly it gets easier. You don't want to un-do all the work you've already done? Keep going, hang in there, We're all here to support you!!!
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Old 08-16-2006, 06:04 PM
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Hey Gymrat,

Your right the beginning does suck sometimes. It's hard, but it's worth it.
I went through similiar things, horrible dreams but from things from my childhood and other stuff that had nothing to do with when I was using.

That was part of what I liked about never sleeping. But a friend had told me that the more you don't sleep the worse your dreams get. That is very true.
When I do sleep more, the dreams aren't so bad, they are sometimes, but not near as bad as when I rarely sleep.

The first few months were so emotional for me. I thought it was going to break me. But I came to this site, got out, journaled whatever I had to do to get through it.

It gets better, your emotions level out, they really do. Hang in there, it will get much easier and better.
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Old 08-16-2006, 06:09 PM
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Hang on tight Gymrat!
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Old 08-16-2006, 11:31 PM
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The horrible dreams will pass and the good dreams will return, it just takes some sober time.

Stick it out -- you can do it. Realize that its just another aspect of your emotions "waking up" and trying to work themselves out again. You've been putting them "on hold" for a while, and they've been accumulating -- like an old credit card bill that's been collecting interest.

It might be scary for a while -- you might even wake up screaming a few times. Its just your brain and mind working through it all. Don't discount the effect good nutrition can have -- it provides your cells with the raw materials they need in order to repair the damage and get through this period quickly.

Hang in there! You can do it!
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Old 08-17-2006, 06:06 AM
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ITs not that sobriety sucks, its that detoxing after being intoxicated for so long sucks. Trust me on this point. I went through the anxiety, dreams, etc. They all fade eventually as you fully detox (that takes months, not weeks or days), then your brain has to detox (subconscious as well) and that takes about three months.

You just have to bear up and be strong, when you are feeling weak, come here and ask for help, go to a meeting, talk to your HP.

Peace, Levi
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Old 08-17-2006, 06:17 AM
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Go one day at a time.
My prayers are with you.
You are no longer all alone.There is fellowship,and those who have been where you are.They found solutions.And will share with you,how they have come through it.
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