I need your help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: In the clouds
Posts: 4
I need your help
I have been here before but it's been quite awhile...I don't know why that is but I'm back. The support I found here before was quite a comfort, I want you to know that.
My husband is an alcoholic...he won't admit to that, all he will say is "I like my beer." He seems to be under the impression that you're not an alcoholic unless you drink hard liquor, meaning in his eyes that you can NOT be an alcoholic because you JUST drink beer and nothing else.
What used to be the consumption of a 6 pack is now more likely between 9 and 12 beers a night. He doesn't miss work because of his drinking. He functions quite well when he's not drinking.
My problem is that I am really becoming intolerant to the verbal abuse. I have been told I am a total embarrassment to HIM...although I do not drink, I'm not the one slurring my words, saying things that don't make any sense to a sober person, wetting the bed or getting up totally disoriented from bed and peeing in the filing cabinet draw or a corner because I THINK I'm in the bathroom.
When he is sober he is the greatest guy but when he starts drinking after supper, which is pretty much an every day thing...he gets sarcastic and points out all my faults, including some I don't even have.
Last spring he was at his worst, picked up our dining room table that he had made and smashed it. Then he proceeded to smash the benches but tired out. That night he decided he had a problem and would quit drinking. I didn't over-do it to my knowledge but I would send him emails telling him I was proud of him for quitting drinking. Less than a month later he started drinking again...sneaking cans of beer when he thought I didn't know. I can look at his eyes and know when he is drinking or if he's not, I'm not stupid or blind.
I realize that stress can lead to drinking more. Lately our whole lives have turned upside down as we are having to let our house go and move to another state. We can't afford to live here anymore because our plant folded and moved to Mexico. The bills pile up, he has a job but making a lot less money than he was before. I have no job and have applications everywhere but nothing is happening. We've had our phone and gas turned off because we couldn't pay the bills.
All in all, I understand that he is under enomous stress and I try to be understanding and do whatever I can but yet, once he gets drunk he wants to argue. It's a no-win situation because if I say anything at all, the fight is on, if I don't say anything the fight is on. I'm just really ready to throw my hands up and scream. How can I make him understand what he is doing to our marriage? He doesn't think people should discuss what's bothering them, no matter what it is you should just deal with it yourself and not bring it up to him. He says he has enough stress at work, he doesn't need anymore. I always thought that a married couple was supposed to be able to talk to each other and express their feelings to each other.
Any suggestions on how to handle the nasty comments and sarcasm???
Thanks so much...
My husband is an alcoholic...he won't admit to that, all he will say is "I like my beer." He seems to be under the impression that you're not an alcoholic unless you drink hard liquor, meaning in his eyes that you can NOT be an alcoholic because you JUST drink beer and nothing else.
What used to be the consumption of a 6 pack is now more likely between 9 and 12 beers a night. He doesn't miss work because of his drinking. He functions quite well when he's not drinking.
My problem is that I am really becoming intolerant to the verbal abuse. I have been told I am a total embarrassment to HIM...although I do not drink, I'm not the one slurring my words, saying things that don't make any sense to a sober person, wetting the bed or getting up totally disoriented from bed and peeing in the filing cabinet draw or a corner because I THINK I'm in the bathroom.
When he is sober he is the greatest guy but when he starts drinking after supper, which is pretty much an every day thing...he gets sarcastic and points out all my faults, including some I don't even have.
Last spring he was at his worst, picked up our dining room table that he had made and smashed it. Then he proceeded to smash the benches but tired out. That night he decided he had a problem and would quit drinking. I didn't over-do it to my knowledge but I would send him emails telling him I was proud of him for quitting drinking. Less than a month later he started drinking again...sneaking cans of beer when he thought I didn't know. I can look at his eyes and know when he is drinking or if he's not, I'm not stupid or blind.
I realize that stress can lead to drinking more. Lately our whole lives have turned upside down as we are having to let our house go and move to another state. We can't afford to live here anymore because our plant folded and moved to Mexico. The bills pile up, he has a job but making a lot less money than he was before. I have no job and have applications everywhere but nothing is happening. We've had our phone and gas turned off because we couldn't pay the bills.
All in all, I understand that he is under enomous stress and I try to be understanding and do whatever I can but yet, once he gets drunk he wants to argue. It's a no-win situation because if I say anything at all, the fight is on, if I don't say anything the fight is on. I'm just really ready to throw my hands up and scream. How can I make him understand what he is doing to our marriage? He doesn't think people should discuss what's bothering them, no matter what it is you should just deal with it yourself and not bring it up to him. He says he has enough stress at work, he doesn't need anymore. I always thought that a married couple was supposed to be able to talk to each other and express their feelings to each other.
Any suggestions on how to handle the nasty comments and sarcasm???
Thanks so much...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Hi and Welcome,
I'm sorry for your situation and it sounds like it could be a dangerous situation for you to be in.
If you like, you might check out the Friends and Families Forum on this board. You'll find lots of people in similar circumstances there.
I'm sorry for your situation and it sounds like it could be a dangerous situation for you to be in.
If you like, you might check out the Friends and Families Forum on this board. You'll find lots of people in similar circumstances there.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: West Vancouver, BC
Posts: 405
`Welcome Back !!!!
Anna has given you the best advise !!!
There are so many women here who have gone thru or are in the same or similar situation as you..You are welcomed with open arms and not alone with this !!!!
Sick around and when you post there - you are sure to have lots of replys
xoxo
Janni - Grew up in an Alcoholic Home - I understand
There are so many women here who have gone thru or are in the same or similar situation as you..You are welcomed with open arms and not alone with this !!!!
Sick around and when you post there - you are sure to have lots of replys
xoxo
Janni - Grew up in an Alcoholic Home - I understand
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Engraver..
Welcome Back to SR!!!! No words of wisdom from me, but sending out hugs to you. It sounds like you are going thru a lot. You need to take care of you!
More will be along shortly with words of comfort, advice and welcome
Welcome Back to SR!!!! No words of wisdom from me, but sending out hugs to you. It sounds like you are going thru a lot. You need to take care of you!
More will be along shortly with words of comfort, advice and welcome
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: In the clouds
Posts: 4
Thanks to all of you for such wonderful advice...now my next question is... do they all wet the bed? It makes it hard for me to sleep there knowing that I could wake up soaking wet...ewwww. How can he not know he is doing this???
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: West Vancouver, BC
Posts: 405
Ha Ha Ha Ha - ewwww is right - He is drunk !!! I know a woman who walks the streets with wet pants...I guess a loss of control, or too drunk to care
xoxo - I'd make him sleep on the floor with a plastic sheet if it happened even ONCE - yuck
xoxo Janni
xoxo - I'd make him sleep on the floor with a plastic sheet if it happened even ONCE - yuck
xoxo Janni
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 859
Welcome back to SR.....
Please forgive me if I sound harsh, you have nothing but my sympathy and support but your post really hit a nerve because I watched someone I care about go through exactly what you are now.....
This is only my .02$ but.....First of all, he is an abusive alcoholic, to confront him while he is drunk....as you already know, is useless......he is or has been known to abuse you verbally, break furniture etc........he pees in file cabinets and the bed........but he says he is under a lot of stress.......I can understand that BUT.......
There are other ways to deal with stress! He is displaying this behavior now....what is going to happen if he encounters more stress? Physical abuse? Fighting with the neighbor down the street etc?
What about YOU??? What about the fact that your stressed too and then have the ADDED stress of cleaning up after him, replacing the furniture he breaks etc????
I apoligise now if I seem to be overstepping here but I worry for your future safety, he has a disease and he needs help. He is also in severe denial. He is making you and life itself his excuse to drink and be abusive. Please take care of YOU!!! He is the only one that can stop drinking and seek help but you do not have to live like this. Maybe one morning when he wakes up to his mess and you are gone, he will get help, or maybe instead of trying to talk to him, you just gently tell him that he can live this way if he wants but that you will not, he will seek help. I dont know. I wish I had the answer here but I dont. I implore you to check out the friends and family threads etc.
Best of luck to you both, please keep us posted, you will be in my thoughts!!
Liss
Please forgive me if I sound harsh, you have nothing but my sympathy and support but your post really hit a nerve because I watched someone I care about go through exactly what you are now.....
This is only my .02$ but.....First of all, he is an abusive alcoholic, to confront him while he is drunk....as you already know, is useless......he is or has been known to abuse you verbally, break furniture etc........he pees in file cabinets and the bed........but he says he is under a lot of stress.......I can understand that BUT.......
There are other ways to deal with stress! He is displaying this behavior now....what is going to happen if he encounters more stress? Physical abuse? Fighting with the neighbor down the street etc?
What about YOU??? What about the fact that your stressed too and then have the ADDED stress of cleaning up after him, replacing the furniture he breaks etc????
I apoligise now if I seem to be overstepping here but I worry for your future safety, he has a disease and he needs help. He is also in severe denial. He is making you and life itself his excuse to drink and be abusive. Please take care of YOU!!! He is the only one that can stop drinking and seek help but you do not have to live like this. Maybe one morning when he wakes up to his mess and you are gone, he will get help, or maybe instead of trying to talk to him, you just gently tell him that he can live this way if he wants but that you will not, he will seek help. I dont know. I wish I had the answer here but I dont. I implore you to check out the friends and family threads etc.
Best of luck to you both, please keep us posted, you will be in my thoughts!!
Liss
Trying to do the right thing.
Join Date: May 2006
Location: London
Posts: 4,345
Welcome Engraver Lady, Welcome to SR. Id just like to echo what Anna said there are LOTs of people who will give you advice in the friends n family forums...! So many...! Your not Alone in this....! ((Liss)) also has a point you Also MUST think of yourself in this as it will drag you down...Im so Glad your seeking help... My best wishes go with you...
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