Blood500

Hi everyone, this is my first time on the site, and i have been reading for awhile thinking maybe i could just use others experiences to help me get by, but i think it would be better to try and talk to some people agian and share me feelings which i really dont fell i can do with anyone around me, well that is really goin to care anyways.

This is going to be my 2nd try to get clean. By the way my DOC is herion, i just turned 19 and have been using about 3 yrs. To give people a lil knowledge about me, i have been to a impatient rehab, done meetings, curently on 2 diffrent Probations, one with daily color call drug testing, that i just skip or try to **** with the drug test so i dont have to not use for a 3 day span to get clean, also im on tether which i get around to go out and get my drugs.

The first time i was clean for about 3 months, and really i mean really wanted to stay clean. I loved the way i was thinking and felt. Some bad event happened and was weak and started to use agian.

Today I am goin to try to start this process over agian. I just pulled out my old note book from rehab and read what i wrote while i was in there, it didnt seem to have the same effect it did before. I feel so lost. This is the first time i have said this to anyone besides myself, but i like myself better when i am on herion. Yesterday when i was using i cleaned the damn house got the whole family cooking dinner togethere played with the dogs. Today sence i havent used yet i have done ****, and feel like ****. But i am willing and want to get passed this because i know where not using can bring me.

I dont know why i decide to post, probly because inside i want help, but cant go to anyone in my life because they all think im clean, my parents never have even found out about my problem, They thought my problem was drinking, so thats what i let them believe, they have had there suspicions but i always changed that.

Sry for the book, im lost. Any words of encouragement and people that are willing to help, i greatly appreicate it.

Thank you,
Ryan

OnceNice

Ryan, My DOC is alcohol. I understand about thinking I like myself better when I drink. But then something happens and I do something really dumb and then I don't like myself at all. That feeling occurs more than the liking myself. And it financially stinks.

I'm still struggling myself. Hope we can maybe help each other.

Take care

Rose

someday

Hi Blood.

Can you write yourself a list of what makes you go off the edge? this really helped me. Usually it was family problems or work situations, that had me stopping by people's houses that usually got me into trouble.

Try to avoid triggering situations. I know you have heard this before.

My DOC was beer.. which eventually led to vodka, which almost killed me. I just got out of the hospital yesterday, and I ahve been sober now for 8 days. Granted, a life threatening situation prob helped me really do a 180 and I won't go back, and won't listen to those VOICEs anymore.

Good luck to you I am fairly new here, but I have done herion, and I can see why that could be people's DOC although it was never mine.

Just remeber you have to stop NOW. You can't quit "someday" because someday is not a day of the week.

Blood500

Thanks for the replys. Someday, I dont need a trigger, I wake up and find a way to get money to use, thats everyday. What triggered me to use after my 3 months clean was a court case that was unexpected poped up. Rose, I wish you the best in your recovery. I dont know if i really even want to get clean, i did this morning lol, but my mind chages so much, now im thinking of how i could get away with using one more day, but i know i cant. I have failed my first drug test, i think i havent got the resaults back yet but im sure I did, and sence I used yesterday, I have decided to skip my test 2day, so im sure a lil jail time is in my near future. As i am writing this i think how nice it would be to really be clean, and how i really do want it, but i dont know like i said i need help, and i hope i can get some here, becuase for some reason right now i cant bring my self to go to meetings because of pasted experiences i think, or maybe becuase deep inside i think it might really help. I ask agian for advice plz, someone to talk some sence into my stupid way of thinking.

Thanks,
Ryan

mygirls_mylife

Hey there! Welcome to SR this is a great place for support. Obviously you are thinking your life might be better without your DOC (mine is alcohol or pills). Read and post, I might suggest NA or even AA meetings. SOmetimes there is not convenient NA meetings but just substitute in Addict and your fine. The stories and expereinces are still able to be identified with. Meeting other addicts is helpful as you probably remember from rehab. Read and post, read and post. Find out what avenue is best for you on your journey. Good Luck! I hope to see you around!
Star

Arura

Hello Blood, Welcome to SR, a great place.

Its great your addressing it now, i think you know that, but you must also know that it can take years to shake off a habit of a life time...!

I also was on Heroin at 15yrs old im now 33 n 3yrs clear of smack.

It took inensense stength to get were i am, at which is'nt there yet even.Where ever Recovery has in store for me...

So please stick at it as you have your whole life ahead of you, DONT turn around in 10/20+yrs n say weres my life gone. Just like me.!

My best Wishes Go with you...

Anna

Hi Blood,

Welcome!

You will find lots of support here. You said that you were triggered, after 3 months clean, by an unexpected court date. Once I stopped drinking, I had to learn how to deal with unexpected things, with ups and downs of life and all of the stuff I had medicated away with alcohol. Don't be discouraged because it's very hard to learn to deal with life, but you can do it.

someday

Well, to be honest.. your 'stupid way of thinking' just might land you in jail. You'll be sober there, so that might be a bright side.

I'm not trying to be mean, it took being near death's door to wake me up.. I fought that battle in my head every single night for 4 years.. to drink or not to drink.. and it's hard even when you are not physically addicted.

The way you are going, there is only one way to go.. and that's down. Herion overdose is not pretty, I had a friend die of it. Good luck to you.

Blood500

Hi everyone, yesterday was better then i thought it would be, and today i woke up feeling pretty good, sleep wasnt the best but good enough. I really am trying this agian, i feel good about it right now. But what I am thinking in the back of my head is that I could use thursday after my drug test and get away with it. What can I do to stop obsessing over that ?

Thanks
Ryan


Just for today, I will stay clean and sober.

best

One day at a time and do know it does get better.

Lots of prayer will help as well.