OnceNice

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a bit better.
Its such madness. It really is.
The worst part is the feeling sorry for myself and the justification on how I can say "screw everyone" How I can turn things around in my head.
It really is madness.
I never thought I'd go to Vodka. Only drank beer. This last weekend I drank Vodka. The whole bottle. It was pretty big too. I don't even know what a 5th is. That's how dumb I am with the "hard stuff". should have known that would go down just as fast. If not, sad to say faster. But I was really out of it.
And to be truthful. I jsust want to go home. Drink my beer and forget about the vodka. How stupid is that.

Sometimes I wish I was rich. Just so I can sign myself into these places. But with all the celebrities going into rehab lately, I guess it doesn't matter. At least they don't have to worry about money.
Babbling again.

Candy Scratch

It seems to me that you fit in perfectly here. You're sick of drinking. It isn't fun. You want to change. You're posting. Sounds like you're on the right track again.

I think I know what you mean when you say you don't get hundreds of responses. I know that sometimes I read a post and I just don't know how to respond, as it is not something I've gone through or feel comfortable advising on.

Like you, I'm struggling and I've had to start Day one over a few times. And I will continue to start Day One over and over and over until I get it. I know that going to AA doesn't seem like fun, but neither is what you are doing -- drinking alone and feeling sad. Maybe if you reach out and give it a try, you may click with someone out there and that will be a great help in continuing your fight to stay sober and to regain joy in your life.

I'm thinking of you and I hope you choose to stay. This place is a superb resource for so many different kinds of people. I can't believe the differences - all ages, all walks of life.Without meaning to offend anyone here, I think we are all misfits here to some degree, even in some tiny way -- but I think there is room in this wonderful forum for all of us. And your input makes it an even better place.

Hugs,
Candy Scratch

Anna

OnceNice,

We are all here for you and this is a place where everyone fits in, because we are all looking for the same thing.

OnceNice

Thanks everyone.
I just don't understand how I know that its wrong and I do it anyway.
Sometimes I can't even stand the taste of the first sip. I saw a post in here somewhere and someone said that. I taste it and it almost makes me gag, and I keep drinking it till that feeling goes away. Why would I do that. I don't do that with liver or anything else I that makes me sick. Its just so damn crazy.

upanddownjj

I feel lucky to be in Canada...We have lots of free Gov't sponsored detox's and Treatment centers compared to other Countries...But we still need more !!!! I have so many friend who have been in and out of Psych wards..some times it is a good place to detox, sometimes not...

I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I have suggested a place to go to get some support face to face..There is even a telephone number in the phone book where you can call and talk to someone and maybe arrange a ride...but you say you know that...
And you also say that you thought you had reached your bottom before...Do you think you have reached another one ???

Do you want to stop now ??? If you have been to AA - did you stay long enough to learn about this disease??

You are more than welcome to PM me anytime..But if you forget about what alcoholism is...There are those..."STICKYS"

Reading between the lines..It sounds to me like maybe you do want to stop..and I think you do know what to do....In the meantime you are in a great place for support and sounds like there are people you know here and for sure People who LOVE YOU - JUST THE WAY YOU ARE !!!!!!

Janni

OnceNice

What are the Sticky's.
Like I said. I am afraid to stop. Not because I'm having fun. I don't like all the thinking that goes along with it. The loneliness of sitting at home and fighting this off. I had two very bad experiences at AA and then I decided to go back. I've been there a couple of times. But sometimes when you get a bad experience and you move on and you get another bad experience. Well, those are in my very old posts. I don't know if they show up anymore.
So, if you are asking me do I want to Stop. Hell yes. But my answer is I'm afraid to stop. The doctors have diagnose me with drinking, depression ocd and bipolar. I've used beer to medicate myself. Not to party or go out and be outgoing. Just to sit home and keep from thinking I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP DRINKING AND GET THROUGH THE NEXT STAGE. Sorry didn't mean to yell. But sometimes when people tell me I don't want to stop. Well I tried to kill myself three times, and I did a lot of other things to risk my life. I don't think I'm too happy with it the way it is.

MNGirlyGirl

((((OnceNice)))))

You feel like you don't fit in? Then you DO fit in!!! I think we all have that feeling from time to time. It is hard to connect, especially when we are feeling somewhat desperate.

PM me if you'd like.

upanddownjj

Me too !! Depression / Bi-polar....I was self Medicating when I tried and almost got hooked on cocaine..I was TOTALLY against drugs at that time, but I tried it once and it seemed to fix my depression...Lucky to stop..

My first 4 years sober I was in a deep depression - finally got a REALLY GOOD PSYCHIATRIST (free Medical here) who found medications that got me out of that hole - BUT I MANAGED TO STAY SOBER !! With AA & a Good Sponsor(by the way - you do know that alcohol is a depressant and almost everyone gets some depression when they first stop)..I'm not a Dr. But what you discribe to me sounds like Clinical Depression and I would go to the Doctor...I know here that many won't treat us unless we go to AA..all my friends that did are still sober and doing well with their mental illnesses..One friend has really bad OCD..

I do go to a lot of meetings and have a Sponsor who understand mental illness..That is a must for me - many people in AA who do not understand tend to make blanket statements that pple should not take meds..they are NOT DOCTORS AND SHOULD NEVER MAKE THOSE OPINIONS !!!!
So ignore it if you hear it.

I think you want to get sober too...
Are you drinking right now ???

upanddownjj

PS _ The stickys are at the top of the Alcoholism Forum - go to the bottom of the page - on the right ...scroll the forums and look at Alcoholism & Alcoholics Anonymous..click on them and you'll see sticky's come up at the top

Arura

hello, oncenice,...sorry to hear your having a tough time at the moment Honi...X,

Have you seen a Dr n stuff, just self meds n booze will not help serious condition like those. I get depression...! . But i dont like the meds that go along with it. I know that my seration levels are not right.

The Mentel heath forums are also full of great people , n great advice.

Good Luck Honi...X

OnceNice

No, not drinking now. I'm at work. I don't have a computer at home so I do this at work. Then I'll go home. And be alone.
I have heard them at AA tell me not to take medicine. I've gotten some bad advice there. One guy even went and beat on my mom's windows and doors cause he thought he could find me to go drinking with him. That was the worst. Then his sponsor had to tell me at the AA meeting. He lookeed me up in the phone book. I'm wasn't listed but my mom was. I was stupid. They told me I needed to help and I was on my 30 days and this guy lived by me but lost his license so I gave him my name (last name, dumb me) and phone number. So he went and got smashed and looked up my last name and found my mom. Second time my sponsor had a male sponsor who asked me out in my AGAIN 30 days. I told her and she yelled at him and said she thought it was about time she got a female sponsor. He lost 9 years of sobriety that day. I felt like crap. This is kinda repetitive for those who have seen me on here. People from AA can be weird and I have a horrible judge of character.

best

People in general can be weird and your ability to judge is growing daily.

If meds are needed (per a Dr) they should always be taken. Yes bad advise was given there.
A female sponsor is a good idea and with each thing you have learned, you will find more answers.

bebubbles

I have posted a handful of time and feel as though no one is out there. I love reading the post but feel that no one cares if I have input or not. I have an AH and I am trying to get divorced. I was hoping someone was out there to give me support. I feel as though I have been trapped for years now. I did post in about 3 different places with no response.

mishelly

Hi Once...I heard a speaker at an AA convention say "you don't hit bottom when you lose your job or your car, your house, your family, etc...you haven't hit bottom until you hit your knees and sincerely ask for help!"

That just really stuck with me...thought I would pass it along.

Welcome Back to SR.

Arura

Ive not got many dealings with AA as such but i find that going to NA for me works. I also go to a womans group 1per week usualy were we get it all out.Its a drug recovery based group...! Have you thought of things like that maybe...?

Im so sorry to hear that man was harrasing you. We all make mistakes, the key is to learn from them i think, im still working on that one too.!

Hope it all calms down for you soon, Try somewhere else maybe...?

...

mishelly

Just saw this...please try and remember some are sicker than others. Try going to several meetings, in different areas. Seek out someone who truly has what you want. Trust me, they are out there!

OnceNice

Thanks everyone. Bebubbles, I here I'll know how it feels sometimes. Everyone on here is really really nice. You can always talk with me. I don't have a computer at home, but I try to pop on at work.

Everyone thanks.

Oh. In june I was going to the AA meetings. Picked an all female one. It was the day after they let me out of the nut house. I went to three meetings a day for about 4 days. Then I went to the womens meeting. Told them that I tried to kill myself. This older women there got all upset and started crying and yelling at me because her husband killed himself and how terrible that is to do. Then she left. God I felt like crap. Everyone telling their stuff and I tell mine and got the lady all upset. This is why I feel like I don't fit in sometimes. No matter what I do or try to do, it seems like it affects someone. Logically I know that I can't make people do or say anything, but I just can't help but feel that way. Thanks all for listening to me today. Its a good feeling to have someone out there.

Bebubble stick around with me okay. I come and go, but I try to always come back.

upanddownjj

Don't worry about the other lady - we are not that powerful..she was having a rough day and was triggered..needed someone to blame -What about You ?? You were brand new ???
I've had that happen at our women's center too - but you never know - maybe you helped someone else in the room who had been in your position and was ashamed and keeping it a secret...Your honesty probably helped someone else...Hang in there..Why not go to a meeting tonight so you don't have time to drink ??? xoxo Janni

Arura

((Once)) you probablly brought alot of feeling up for that lady so she left.!

Try not to let how others react affect your desire to stay sober.That was her stuff not yours.! I learnt to own my own S**t, n let others look after theres.!
Just stick with it your going in the right direction.
Bumer you aint got a puter at home, can you get one anywere cheap...?

((Bebubbles)) hello honi, Welcome to SR, reading the posts really helps. Glad you started posting...! Keep it up ...X

...X yer it kicks off sometimes especially as are periods start running together, lol...!

Candy Scratch

Bebubbles, did you post under a different name? I can't find any threads started by you, unless you mean posts in other threads.

I, too, had an AH and we have been separated for 3 years now -- just haven't completed the legalities. He still calls me in a drunken state every so often - usually when he wants something from me. I am struggling with my own sobriety as well (meaning the stop/start/stop/start dance) but I am trying very hard not to let alcohol completely overshadow every aspect of my life.

I'd be happy to chat with you and you have all of my support. Send me a message ANY time and we can go from there.

Hugs,
Candy Scratch