wantachange

I'm tired of playing the man, the mother,the girlfriend, etc (aside from the sports fanaticism). I can't do this anymore. Maybe we aren't right for each other. Maybe we had a child accidentally 8 yrs ago. Don't get me wrong - I love her. He wants me to be submissive and who freaking knows what and I am strong - I have had to be. He went to jail, and I did this ALONE. I raised our child for six years alone, bought a house and cars alone. He doesn't even any bills....and I can't say one word about what questions he did or did not ask of the contractor (BTW this stupid contractor has been working on our house for a year when the contract said it would take 4 months). He doesn't allow me any room to be angry, vent, whatever....I'm just supposed to sit and smile and whatever else he wants.

I think it's time to give the ring back and be done with it. Advice?

nogard

Hi wantachange,

I would not be the best person to give relationship advice as I have been on my own for a decade, so I won't, but I will say that I think you need to do some face to face talking with friends, family a counsellor and your husband.

Kevin

freddie

I like the marriage counselling idea. I am not expert, but relationships are supposed to be two way streets. Reciprocation.

wantachange

Maybe I'm just angry. It will go away I'm sure.

nogard

You can take some time to talk it through.

Kevin

Candy Scratch

Hi wantachange,

I'm sorry to hear how difficult it has been for you.

I'm not the best person to give advice as I chronically stay too long in bad relationships, but it seems that in your heart, you already know that maybe there isn't much more to invest in this particular relationship. Does he even really *know* the real you? Do you love him, or do you love the person he was once? Does he have any redeeming qualities that will help you fight for this relationship? Would he ever go to counselling with you? Is he a good father to your child? Do you see yourself growing old with him and not losing your own identity? You said it yourself. You are STRONG. You don't have to put up with any BS. How dare he dictate how you are supposed to behave? I have no sympathy for people who try to keep others down and quiet. If it were me, I'd give the ring back and be done with it, but you have to follow your own heart and mind. This is your life and only you can decide what is right for you.

Sending you hugs and courage,
Candy Scratch

Anna

Maybe you are just angry and maybe it will go away. Things might look different tomorrow.

Maybe you'll find that the two of you are not on the same path.

But, you don't need to decide anything this moment. Take some time to look after yourself.

best

Could be but your feelings are real and it is best to get them out.
Submissive when done correctly is a good thing. Things should be both being submissive to one another. It isn't a one way street.
Counseling is a good idea.
There are selfhelp books but having that 3rd person as a mediator can make a huge difference.

CarolD

I find answers easier if I make a list
of the plus and minus facts of situations.

Blessings...

Candy Scratch

Thing is, I think (and I sure could be wrong) but doesn't one person being submissive automatically mean that the other is dominant? Wouldn't balance be a far better equation -- where both are equals? Don't mean to spar on semantics and gosh, I truly know the sentiment is a good, positive one, but somehow the term "submissive" makes my skin crawl.

Candy Scratch

michski

How many times have you said that to yourself?

Live

I sure see red flags. Go to relationships in recovery and read about healthy relationships in the stickies. Then go to Women in Recovery and read the Stickies about controlling men.
It sounds abusive to me.

live

Lollipop

Im with Live here.

You said he wants you to just sit and not say anything etc.....
Your "not supposed " to show anger, frustration, rant, vent etc? In the last 6 years, he has been in jail and you have raised your daughter, bought a house, bought cars......been successful etc, had to do it on your own (and from what I gather, have done it nicely) and now he is home and wants to just step into the dominent role and you are to be the good little submissive girl?? Uh Uh nope........this is called mental abuse IMO and you should probly check out some of the sites suggested.
From personal experience.......right now it is like this he doesnt want you to show any emotion.....he doesnt want you to be yourself.... and next, you wont be able to go to the grocery store or stop at the cleaners on your way home etc. without a 30 minute explanation as to what you did and why your running late etc......it just gets worse from there.........please do some reading, talk to a councilor either alone or with him or both, get some sound advice from a pro, the red flags are there........best of luck to you
Liss

maximillion

Submissive can be good. Giving in can be good. Playing a role can be good. But the reason for doing has to be genuine. If he "needs" you to do that, does it fullfill him in a way that your in a relationship with him or does it let him know on a constant level that your not leaving, not unhappy, he can do what he wants and you will be there paying the bills, doing the dinner etc? Sounds insecure to me and he doesn't know himself so he controls others. You are submissive to him by not thinking of the motives as to why. Which is exactly why you are losing respect for yourself and questioning your state now.

Get me not wrong. In a relationship we have to give, not always stand up for ourselves. But that's when we feel the other person is giving and standing up for you in the place of. Sure your angry right now, but not for what was done today, what has been going on. Think of your love for the person, if your idea of a relationship is them giving back. Then your post today will be your post tomorrow. Walking away from something toxic is the most empowering thing you can do..most members here, will agree I bet.

Wish you well

wantachange

I have read all the reply posts and have been processing all that was said. Before when this type of thing would happen I would go ballistic - just nuts because I felt devalued and I felt like I was worth more and thought that he should think that of me as well. I have been going to my therapist (finally found one that I feel good working with) and she has give me somevery good tools for approaching the situation. I have taken this in stride and am starting to recognize my own issues with this relationship. He has agreed to go into couples therapy with me so we can communicate on a level playing field. Hoping for the best, but preparing for the what if this just doesn't work for us... Only time will tell.....