SouthernSober

Thanks, Viking...means a lot. And it's great to be back.

When I did a long Phewwwwwww after the grocery store...I suddenly realized that very soon I will have spent 11 1/2 months out of the last year...sober. I've never come close to anything like that. So I'm done beating myself up over this setback, and already excited to be getting my life back.

Dee74

I'm wishing you good luck too Free
good work on handling anger Bodhi - and congrats on 8 weeks

glad you're good VGF
good man, SS

D

ClearPath64

Bodhi, I can totally relate to the anger suppression. It's like we don't give ourselves permission to feel that human emotion. I hope that your therapy sessions help you learn healthy ways to channel anger, and identify why the anger is there in the first place, I guess. Regarding your work situation, are you comfortable enough with your current manager to voice your concerns regarding the upcoming transition? Like, "please put in a good word for me and reiterate the promises that were made regarding my promotion."? If you're anything like me, it's difficult to speak up as you don't want to come across as a whiner, or ungrateful, or whatever. What I found out after my resignation in 2020 was that my manager would have done everything in his power to fix my chaotic work environment. If I would have just told him how bad it was! I just kept it all inside and let the frustrations build up. And finally just walked. Communication was the key. Which comes from a place of self-love, which leads to confidence. I hope that you take the reins and get exactly what you want Bodhi. You deserve it!

ClearPath64

Lynn, you are certainly being tested as you approach your soberversary! I hope that things end up okay today with your daughter. You are a good mom.

Free2bme888

Thanks, James. I had some tears yesterday, but I was tired and stressed out. Now I’m just stressed out and I slept, so that’s a little better.

Bodhi, I feel you about the anger. Sometimes we are like our parents even though we don’t want to be. I seemed to be a little addicted to my rage, it send adrenaline around, almost as good as dopamine. I damaged a lot of relationships because of it. I don’t know how I did it, really, to get out of that cycle. But I did. I think I got really tired of that explosivity. It’s great you are working on it, recognizing it is the first step toward change. 🤓❤️


I came across these a few years ago, and I took a long hard look at myself: These were like holding up a mirror to myself. Alcohol never helped my temper.

Bodhi02

Hey all,

Love all the shares about anger.

CP, I’ve asked my current manager to share my career goals with the next one (whenever I get a new one) so I’ve taken it as far as I can just gotta keep taking/creating opportunities as I can and leave the rest to the universe. It helps that I was finally able to get that off my chest with my manager and I hope she upholds her end of the agreement. Only time will tell now!!

On my way to Cancun this morning. We’re going for a destination wedding. It’s a triple whammy (vacation, all inclusive, and wedding) so gotta stay vigilant. You’d think being pregnant would make it easier to not want to drink and I don’t have any cravings or thoughts but just want to make sure I’m not being over confident because that’s gotta me in trouble before.

We’re about to board so I will catch you all later!

LoveHateWhine

My attempt at food art and presentaiton is not nearly as good as Free's.

Last night's dinner. Big salad with tomatoes direct from Mr. LHW's garden. Jersey corn on the cob and scallops purchased at the seafood market at the Cape May Lobster House. (Bodhi should be familiar with that place). I seared them in butter and a little bit of olive oil. Mr. LHW said it was as good, if not better, than dining out at the CMLH. :-)

SouthernSober

Day 8. Fell asleep a little faster last night and while it was a little broken up, 80% better than 4-5 days ago. Again woke up a little tired, but got up at my regular time. Had a little coffee but not pushing it.

One day at a time, but right now primary thought is how vulnerable I feel and truly frightened over what I've been going through..."not one more time" is a kind of mantra echoing in my mind. Couple nights ago I went downstairs and was overcome by the dichotomy...sober, my place is cozy and even cheery; strung out, it is ominous and even frightening. The glacier-like passage of time, the killing of time, is horrible. Feeling the anxiety crest, wondering if it will escalate into something bad enough to need medical intervention. I'm putting this down here for a lot of reasons, but primary is to leave a prominent landmark for myself. The next time a drink enters my mind--and I sure hope that's a long way away--I want to be to re-read it and be reminded.

Not speaking for everyone, but I think anytime we pick up that disastrous first drink...we do it just not aware of the depth of the guaranteed suffering later.

I owe everyone here a huge thanks for helping me through this. I don't even want to think about what it've been like without. My God.

ClearPath64

Your presentation is fantastic LHW! Looks delicious!

Free2bme888

OooOOOOooo, SS. Agreed about the about the lack of awareness of just how HARD it might be, if we EVER do get back to a mental place to stop the destruction.

The book, Alcohol Explained, does a great job explaining about the survival mode our brain has about smoothing over bad recollections.

SR as a tool, and the souls that make it happen (all of you here and everywhere on SR, including all admins and leaders) are a miracle……

LHW, that looks sooooo yummy!

My husband and I like to say, in (town where we live), this would cost $55/plate PLUS tip. So we didn’t spend $30 on Halibut and asparagus, we SAVED over a hundred dollars 🤓❤️🤓❤️

Free2bme888

An up and down day here in MN.

Changed flight to Sunday night.

Hope all are sliding into the weekend sober.

Bodhi, have a GREAT time. For those rude inquiring minds, the pregnancy excuse works well, and then perhaps because you might become a breast feeding mom for a while if that’s your desire. Now that I’m closing in on a year, I don’t explain at all most of the time. Depends on audience and situation.

VikingGF

SS, my last, first day not drinking is my most horrible and most reviewed memory. I hope to never forget it. I documented it very clearly, right here on this site, and I know just where to find it. I read it regularly. I refuse to be one of those doomed to repeat history as a result of not learning from it. Congrats on day 8, so glad the sleep, and all the rest, is improving for you.

Bodhi02

Hi all, we’re rounding out our night with some room service. The bride and groom surprised all the wedding guests with a sunset cruise on a 55 ft catamaran. There was definitely some people boozing but in all honesty I thoroughly enjoyed it after a long day of travel. I was offered drinks a few times and when I asked for water a few people gave me a bit of slack but I quickly shut it down with a shut up I stay hydrated. I’m looking forward to a relaxing day at the pool/beach tomorrow and dancing at the wedding.

Congrats on day 8 SS!

SouthernSober

Friday night past midnight, sipping peach iced tea and listening to Keith Jarrett, Sun Bear Concerts. Just now a passage raised the hair on my arms, and I've been listening to it for 40 years. And the emotion swells. Gratitude I can do this: listen to music and write, which I've done every night for years. Horror that just a few days ago, I couldn't do this. It is a grave and frightening testament to the soul-sucking power of alcohol. For a guy like me to be lying in bed, binge watching and feeling like I'm going insane--horrible. To be robbed of every peace and enjoyment--horrible. To dread going to bed, dread waking up--horrible.

When I got sober 8/20/21...I can't remember when I really started to feel better. I can tell you it was around 4 months, but sobriety was still precarious. Then somewhere around 6 months, I began a stretch of my happiest days ever (and these are very hard times we are living in). Then I fell in love--sober (she doesn't drink either)--and I discovered joys beyond my wildest imagination. It wasn't just her--it was going about every routine day with confidence and drive, savoring every simple blessing and quickly dismissing every bit of ennui or annoyance. I got up feeling excited, and went to bed with a smile on my face.

And for 11 months, I not only didn't want a drink--I didn't even think about it.

Oh, and then I got it wrong. Damn. Damn. Damn.

I have no illusion about the task ahead. But tonight I feel and see that green beacon of hope. And I close my eyes in silent prayer I was able to kick. I take no credit. Just praying glad. Praying. Glad.

Dee74

Pain is dreadful - especially that emotional kind of pain - but if it gets you to a place of permanent recovery - where nothing is worth drinking again...maybe some good can come of it?

D

SouthernSober

Absolutely. And is there anything more noble than taking one's adversity and suffering and turning it into some positive good? Especially when one embraces the recovery model of giving it away in order to keep it.

Various sources cited, but you hear that "pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress."

Free2bme888

Amen Dee and SS.

And this is how I let go of my shame too.

VikingGF

Such good stuff here. No matter how we got here or how many tries, I treasure what each of us brings to the table. Thanks to all of you for sharing this journey so openly and honestly. Together, we will get where we are going.

SouthernSober

"Such good stuff here. No matter how we got here or how many tries, I treasure what each of us brings to the table. Thanks to all of you for sharing this journey so openly and honestly. Together, we will get where we are going."

Amen. Day 9. Last night was the first approximating a real night's sleep in maybe a month - I was under serious strain and duress prior to picking up. It really struck me as I got up today...the importance of deep gratitude and protection for the basic nourishments of life, especially sleep.

They say a relapse begins well before that first drink, and my recent experience is bitter proof of that. For 11 months, I had no thoughts, let alone desire, of drinking. But I left myself wide open. Other than my workout routine, I was doing nothing to protect my sobriety and well-being at a time I was in major emotional turmoil. What is your plan if the AV comes calling? I had none. None. That is why it took one--one--day to go from contemplating drinking and not doing it...to actually doing it. And even that day, I had plenty of opportunity to avoid it.

When I did it, there was no anticipation, no thrill. It was resigned admission of defeat. I just wanted to escape, and there was no consideration of the consequences. I did not think it would help; I did not think I would have fun; I did not think it was viable. But I did it anyway. That was three weeks ago today, and I'm still paying for it. I'm still paying for it while simultaneously cognizant it could have been so, so much worse.

Something has been on my mind that I'd never previously contemplated: what if I'd never drank? Imagine your life, I think. Think of the beyond-imagination improvements in your life with just 11 months of sobriety. But there is limited utility in pondering a theoretical reconfiguration of the past. There is unlimited utility in putting it to use in the future.

There really is only one answer: take that past, take that 11 months, take that recent return to Hell, and live your life forward accordingly. I can still have that alternative universe--the one in which I don't drink, and there's no vast separation between the person I could be and the person I am. No self-inflicted agony. No jail of my own construction.

I just got up, for whatever reason, and looked out the window. It's a bright, sunny, Saturday. Out back there is a huge Camellia, one of my pride and joys, that 4 months from now will be in full bloom on a crisp winter's day. I focus on this as I ask myself how long it will take to feel repaired from what I did.

From what I did: I have taken responsibility. And now it is time to move on, doing the next right thing, and leaving the rest up to God.

venuscat

What if I had never been an alcoholic?
I think I would be an editor now. And I am currently studying to be an editor.

Take the lessons and turn them into a future you want, dear James. ❤️