Class of December 2020 Part 7
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 363
What a nice view, CBS! It is so relaxing to wake up to the sounds of waves, isn't it? Enjoy some nice walks on the beach.
Zura, I really have to do some gardening too. We are having a bit of a heatwave here...feels like summer, and I am not ready for it. The warm weather always seems to catch me by surprise, though it shouldn't. One thing that is usually nice here is the long springs, so summer catches me unawares sometimes. Oh well, spring can't last forever.
Hope you are well, Tanky!
Zura, I really have to do some gardening too. We are having a bit of a heatwave here...feels like summer, and I am not ready for it. The warm weather always seems to catch me by surprise, though it shouldn't. One thing that is usually nice here is the long springs, so summer catches me unawares sometimes. Oh well, spring can't last forever.
Hope you are well, Tanky!
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Hey Team D,
CBS - What a beautiful spot you have there. Nothing like good beach. Definitely a special place . Enjoy your holiday!
zura - so lovely to enjoy all that productivity in the garden and around house. Remember when that would have been impossible or weighed down with shame and guilt over what you hadn’t achieved? So much good stuff.
Elly- hope you can find ways to embrace the heatwave and get a little joy. Since you don’t , apparently, get to control how long the spring is , just like I don’t get to control when winter is. 😂😂 I would rather be heading into your heat wave, but guess I will just have to learn to love the cold for awhile.
I am still in a state of semi-disbelief over the relief I have been enjoying on several fronts over past week. Like I can actually do my job like when I was totally numbed out of feelings during active addiction - only better because of being present. I am doing a bunch of adulting stuff. Like have lodged 3 out of the 8 tax years that are outstanding. Booked appointments for things I have been avoiding, paid bills/fines on time, have a cleanish house most of time. My mental health symptoms have actually started to ease a bit more, too. Not battling daily anxiety and depression stuff. (Albeit it at more manageable levels since I went on medication, of course but was still ever-present until now) It’s just extraordinary. I will try not to harp on about it too much like some zealot. But it is good. 😂😂
love to the crew. xx
CBS - What a beautiful spot you have there. Nothing like good beach. Definitely a special place . Enjoy your holiday!
zura - so lovely to enjoy all that productivity in the garden and around house. Remember when that would have been impossible or weighed down with shame and guilt over what you hadn’t achieved? So much good stuff.
Elly- hope you can find ways to embrace the heatwave and get a little joy. Since you don’t , apparently, get to control how long the spring is , just like I don’t get to control when winter is. 😂😂 I would rather be heading into your heat wave, but guess I will just have to learn to love the cold for awhile.
I am still in a state of semi-disbelief over the relief I have been enjoying on several fronts over past week. Like I can actually do my job like when I was totally numbed out of feelings during active addiction - only better because of being present. I am doing a bunch of adulting stuff. Like have lodged 3 out of the 8 tax years that are outstanding. Booked appointments for things I have been avoiding, paid bills/fines on time, have a cleanish house most of time. My mental health symptoms have actually started to ease a bit more, too. Not battling daily anxiety and depression stuff. (Albeit it at more manageable levels since I went on medication, of course but was still ever-present until now) It’s just extraordinary. I will try not to harp on about it too much like some zealot. But it is good. 😂😂
love to the crew. xx
❤️
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 2,698
Gorgeous view CBS, thanks for sharing ☺️
Elly - the heat can be so hard to take. I hope you've got air-conditioning ❤️
Tanky - so awesome to hear you doing so well. I'm dreading winter too 🥺 I'm meant to work outside all winter but I don't think that's going to happen 😝
Elly - the heat can be so hard to take. I hope you've got air-conditioning ❤️
Tanky - so awesome to hear you doing so well. I'm dreading winter too 🥺 I'm meant to work outside all winter but I don't think that's going to happen 😝
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 363
Glad you are feeling so much better, Tanky! You deserve it!
Hope you are feeling better, CBS, and enjoying your vacation.
The heatwave is over, and yes, we have air conditioning that works (it had to get fixed last summer).
Staying AF still, so I am proud of myself for that. Made it through Mother's Day with no drinking so just have to keep on keeping on.
Hope you are feeling better, CBS, and enjoying your vacation.
The heatwave is over, and yes, we have air conditioning that works (it had to get fixed last summer).
Staying AF still, so I am proud of myself for that. Made it through Mother's Day with no drinking so just have to keep on keeping on.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 2,698
Good Morning All 🌞
I'm glad the heatwave is over Elly, that must be a relief. So glad you are doing so well.
Hugely busy ATM got many different things happening all at once at the moment. Will check in more often in a couple of weeks. Thinking of you all and wishing you well on your journeys ❤️
I'm glad the heatwave is over Elly, that must be a relief. So glad you are doing so well.
Hugely busy ATM got many different things happening all at once at the moment. Will check in more often in a couple of weeks. Thinking of you all and wishing you well on your journeys ❤️
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 363
Happy Friday! I take the quiet here as a good sign.... everyone busy and being good, not struggling, etc. Today we meet with a new bookkeeper, which makes me nervous since things have gotten messy over the past year or so.
We are also meeting friends for dinner to eat INSIDE a restaurant for the first time in a long time. This is a big deal for me. It's been allowed for about a month or so in our county, but now that I have my second shot, I feel comfortable taking my mask off inside in public.
That's about it, except that I think I am coming out of my latest euphoric recall phase, which is good. Still need to move forward in other areas.
We are also meeting friends for dinner to eat INSIDE a restaurant for the first time in a long time. This is a big deal for me. It's been allowed for about a month or so in our county, but now that I have my second shot, I feel comfortable taking my mask off inside in public.
That's about it, except that I think I am coming out of my latest euphoric recall phase, which is good. Still need to move forward in other areas.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Good morning happy campers,
well, at least I am choosing to adopt Elly’s interpretation of where we all are at. 😂 is great to see so many of the team busy with sober life. Also awesome to hear stories of people fully vaccinated and things reopening.
I can actually still count myself among the happy campers. And wow, it’s so so good.
This week I did all this adult stuff. Still feels like I have been possessed by a competent , reasonable person, but I will take it. I got my car serviced, lodged some of 8 outstanding tax years, went to dentist for first time in years, booked appointments with accountant for tax years I can’t do myself, GP, etc. At work I did well...work . Novel! 😆 but what I mean is , I could work without struggling everyday just to keep doing it. Without the personal suffering. I didn’t have to sit in the carpark once. I didn’t have to text or call people just to get through the day. And I am clearly coming across a bit differently as my supportive colleague who knows about my journey said at one stage: “what did those AA people do to you? Where did my Tanky go? Where is the fiery one? I miss her.”
what did those AA people do? Only helped to save my life, gave me a life back.
I was reflecting on what would have happened in active addiction if I had ever felt this good. Pretty sure I haven’t for decades, but in theory....
I would have gone on a celebratory bender. Because although 99% of my drinking was for suppression of pain/feeling, like any good alk, it was obviously adaptable to all situations. So yeah, bender would have occurred. I may have even started out with other humans to kick it off , or I may have just continued to do it at home alone. I would have spent a **** tonne of money gambling/gaming - because feeling lucky and happy. Probably not just on me but on others as well. Built up not just my fictional ego accounts but a bunch of other people’s too. I would have stopped taking my meds and started skipping mental health appointments. I would have put myself in those same dangerous situations that I repeated time and time again, effectively re-enacting my own trauma as far as possible. I would have got into fights - probably with my boss or my ex because they were close- but really anyone would do.
I did none of these things. I noticed and delighted in waking up without the familiar levels of anxiety and depression and racing brain. This week I noticed where my relationship with my ex has started to get out of whack because I’ve been being nicer in sobriety and gave myself time and space to think about how to set boundaries - rather than just reacting. Same with the boss at work . Gave myself time to work out how to respond to her . (Which is what my colleague was unhappy about . Normally I would have gone into pitched battle “for the team”, but didn’t.)
The gifts of sobriety. Pink cloud . Whatever you want to call it. I’m there. And I am enjoying the ride. 🙏
well, at least I am choosing to adopt Elly’s interpretation of where we all are at. 😂 is great to see so many of the team busy with sober life. Also awesome to hear stories of people fully vaccinated and things reopening.
I can actually still count myself among the happy campers. And wow, it’s so so good.
This week I did all this adult stuff. Still feels like I have been possessed by a competent , reasonable person, but I will take it. I got my car serviced, lodged some of 8 outstanding tax years, went to dentist for first time in years, booked appointments with accountant for tax years I can’t do myself, GP, etc. At work I did well...work . Novel! 😆 but what I mean is , I could work without struggling everyday just to keep doing it. Without the personal suffering. I didn’t have to sit in the carpark once. I didn’t have to text or call people just to get through the day. And I am clearly coming across a bit differently as my supportive colleague who knows about my journey said at one stage: “what did those AA people do to you? Where did my Tanky go? Where is the fiery one? I miss her.”
what did those AA people do? Only helped to save my life, gave me a life back.
I was reflecting on what would have happened in active addiction if I had ever felt this good. Pretty sure I haven’t for decades, but in theory....
I would have gone on a celebratory bender. Because although 99% of my drinking was for suppression of pain/feeling, like any good alk, it was obviously adaptable to all situations. So yeah, bender would have occurred. I may have even started out with other humans to kick it off , or I may have just continued to do it at home alone. I would have spent a **** tonne of money gambling/gaming - because feeling lucky and happy. Probably not just on me but on others as well. Built up not just my fictional ego accounts but a bunch of other people’s too. I would have stopped taking my meds and started skipping mental health appointments. I would have put myself in those same dangerous situations that I repeated time and time again, effectively re-enacting my own trauma as far as possible. I would have got into fights - probably with my boss or my ex because they were close- but really anyone would do.
I did none of these things. I noticed and delighted in waking up without the familiar levels of anxiety and depression and racing brain. This week I noticed where my relationship with my ex has started to get out of whack because I’ve been being nicer in sobriety and gave myself time and space to think about how to set boundaries - rather than just reacting. Same with the boss at work . Gave myself time to work out how to respond to her . (Which is what my colleague was unhappy about . Normally I would have gone into pitched battle “for the team”, but didn’t.)
The gifts of sobriety. Pink cloud . Whatever you want to call it. I’m there. And I am enjoying the ride. 🙏
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Location: NC
Posts: 1,655
Hey everybody. Tanky I am so happy for you and your progress. You sound great!
Elly, I am glad you are proud of yourself for getting through Mother's Day sober. I need to pat myself on the back more often.
Zura I hope your busy happenings are all going well.
Venuscat how are you?
I had a nice time on the beach with my family. There were lots of distractions to keep me from ruminating on my worries. I really struggle with health anxiety and PAWS. When my husband and I first arrived at the rental and unpacked I burst into tears because I was so depressed and feeling the derealization of PAWS. Normally I would be super excited to be on vacation at the beach. But after a good cry and some journaling I started to feel a little better and was able to enjoy myself for most of the trip. This PAWS stuff is a huge challenge. Some of my symptoms are better and some don't want to let go.
Tomorrow is my 5 months sober date. I would have thought I would be feeling great at this point. But I soldier on.
I hope everyone is well.
Elly, I am glad you are proud of yourself for getting through Mother's Day sober. I need to pat myself on the back more often.
Zura I hope your busy happenings are all going well.
Venuscat how are you?
I had a nice time on the beach with my family. There were lots of distractions to keep me from ruminating on my worries. I really struggle with health anxiety and PAWS. When my husband and I first arrived at the rental and unpacked I burst into tears because I was so depressed and feeling the derealization of PAWS. Normally I would be super excited to be on vacation at the beach. But after a good cry and some journaling I started to feel a little better and was able to enjoy myself for most of the trip. This PAWS stuff is a huge challenge. Some of my symptoms are better and some don't want to let go.
Tomorrow is my 5 months sober date. I would have thought I would be feeling great at this point. But I soldier on.
I hope everyone is well.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Hey CBS, grats on five months. 💪
I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but I started trying to quit last year. towards end of October. I have clearly had a few lapses since then.
But pretty quickly after I got through initial withdrawal and physical illness, I became very mentally unwell each time. I had all kinds of random physical symptoms , too. But thing that did the most damage was the ridiculous level of anxiety and depression. Fairly rapidly became suicidal. Sober me was a mess. And I drank to stop the suicidal thoughts/MH stuff a couple of times.
I got more help. I went back on medication. I see a therapist. I found my way to AA last December. And recently , as you know because I’ve been here boring you all with my stories 😂😂, I have been able to actually shift some of the blame and guilt and shame I have been carrying with me for a very very long time.
I think for me, this journey is not just ending putting alcohol into us , but transforming the thinking/behaviours/pain that was behind it . And I know many others here have done the same with therapy, recovery programs etc. It may be possible this can happen for you as well. That the key to easing PAWs symptoms paradoxically lies elsewhere.
I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but I started trying to quit last year. towards end of October. I have clearly had a few lapses since then.
But pretty quickly after I got through initial withdrawal and physical illness, I became very mentally unwell each time. I had all kinds of random physical symptoms , too. But thing that did the most damage was the ridiculous level of anxiety and depression. Fairly rapidly became suicidal. Sober me was a mess. And I drank to stop the suicidal thoughts/MH stuff a couple of times.
I got more help. I went back on medication. I see a therapist. I found my way to AA last December. And recently , as you know because I’ve been here boring you all with my stories 😂😂, I have been able to actually shift some of the blame and guilt and shame I have been carrying with me for a very very long time.
I think for me, this journey is not just ending putting alcohol into us , but transforming the thinking/behaviours/pain that was behind it . And I know many others here have done the same with therapy, recovery programs etc. It may be possible this can happen for you as well. That the key to easing PAWs symptoms paradoxically lies elsewhere.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 363
Originally Posted by Tanky 
Hey CBS, grats on five months. 💪
I think for me, this journey is not just ending putting alcohol into us , but transforming the thinking/behaviours/pain that was behind it . And I know many others here have done the same with therapy, recovery programs etc. It may be possible this can happen for you as well. That the key to easing PAWs symptoms paradoxically lies elsewhere.
I think for me, this journey is not just ending putting alcohol into us , but transforming the thinking/behaviours/pain that was behind it . And I know many others here have done the same with therapy, recovery programs etc. It may be possible this can happen for you as well. That the key to easing PAWs symptoms paradoxically lies elsewhere.
CBS -- Glad you were able to enjoy the vacation!
I have to say one piece of progress I am making is feeling more comfortable being the only adult not drinking in a gathering. We had the parents of my daughter's prom "buddies" over last night and I realized I was definitely making progress as the sober one in a group. It helped me remember that sometimes I felt awkward when I realized I was a bit more tipsy than others. Last night I didn't feel awkward staying sober... I just sipped my sparkling water/juice and enjoyed the conversations!
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Sorry if my post seemed judgey in some way, Elly/cbs. It wasn’t intended to be. I get both physical and mental health symptoms in recovery and was not trying to be critical or dismissive of either.xxx
glad you are enjoying being the soberest person in the room, Elly.
glad you are enjoying being the soberest person in the room, Elly.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Location: NC
Posts: 1,655
Tanky it didn’t seem judgemental at all. No worries. I too have felt some suicidal thoughts. Like one day I was out on a walk on a local Greenway and approaching the road and saw a dump truck and was like maybe I’ll run out in front of that. But of course I didn’t. I do have some crazy thoughts like that sometimes. The mental and physical PAWS symptoms really wear me down. I don’t think I’m a risk for suicide. I’m so depressed sometimes and really miss the escape of drinking wine every night. I also don’t think I’m a risk for drinking after everything I’ve gone through to get sober.
I am seeing an anxiety specialist every week. And I have a great support system from my family. And I do the morning gratitude every day that really helps. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster because sometimes I have good moments and then it’s like a switch is flipped and I am down again. Haven’t really had any extensive windows of relief.
I am seeing an anxiety specialist every week. And I have a great support system from my family. And I do the morning gratitude every day that really helps. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster because sometimes I have good moments and then it’s like a switch is flipped and I am down again. Haven’t really had any extensive windows of relief.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 363
Originally Posted by Tanky
Sorry if my post seemed judgey in some way, Elly/cbs. It wasn’t intended to be. I get both physical and mental health symptoms in recovery and was not trying to be critical or dismissive of either.xxx
glad you are enjoying being the soberest person in the room, Elly.
glad you are enjoying being the soberest person in the room, Elly.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 363
Originally Posted by CBS62
Tanky it didn’t seem judgemental at all. No worries. I too have felt some suicidal thoughts. Like one day I was out on a walk on a local Greenway and approaching the road and saw a dump truck and was like maybe I’ll run out in front of that. But of course I didn’t. I do have some crazy thoughts like that sometimes. The mental and physical PAWS symptoms really wear me down. I don’t think I’m a risk for suicide. I’m so depressed sometimes and really miss the escape of drinking wine every night. I also don’t think I’m a risk for drinking after everything I’ve gone through to get sober.
I am seeing an anxiety specialist every week. And I have a great support system from my family. And I do the morning gratitude every day that really helps. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster because sometimes I have good moments and then it’s like a switch is flipped and I am down again. Haven’t really had any extensive windows of relief.
I am seeing an anxiety specialist every week. And I have a great support system from my family. And I do the morning gratitude every day that really helps. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster because sometimes I have good moments and then it’s like a switch is flipped and I am down again. Haven’t really had any extensive windows of relief.
It is hard, though, and frustrating in the meantime. Sending big virtual ((())))s to you in the meantime!
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