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Class of April 2018 part 16

Old 02-21-2021, 02:24 AM
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morning again x
daisy, thanks for that x spot on about cabin fever and everything else you wrote xx
just been to meeting, it was my first sunday one, so i will be going again tomo morn aswell, so i am just trying to make it a habit in going to them x

hope you all have good sunday x
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Old 02-21-2021, 04:33 PM
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Hi all,

Still alive here. Things are up and down and all over. My sis is not helping the issue of me figuring out how to move out because she’s rabid and very high pressure half the time. Today is Sunday. Supposedly I’m supposed to be up and gone at ‘like 7am’ on Sundays because it’s their day together. I am so out of it I don’t remember agreeing to that and I didn’t even know it was going to be Sunday. I’m on the verge of cracking here. We talked last night about plans and all seemed well.

with my ME I’m very tired especially when stressed. Well.. I slept until 9am when I was woke and confronted and it was a terrible day. I’m not purposely breaking the rules. I’m f ing out ... of .. it. I was interrogated by phone and text and every other way about why I’m such a disrespectful human being. Anyway I’m trying. I’m up in the room out of site. I need to rebuild. There are some offers on the table to get out of here. I’m so anxious and scared.

I ALWAYS solved the anxiety and ‘freeze’ situation I get into by drinking. ‘I’m frozen with anxiety?? Bring the notepad and laptop to happy our, down a couple of Rioja or Pinot Grigio’s and begin working, making commitments, pressing buttons on things getting stuff done. Wake up in the morning freaking out about it and do the same at 4pm. Then everything is in place, I have the plan, and if I am having trouble executing the plan hit the wine again.

I didn’t get past that I simply stopped drinking. So now it’s just constant anxiety and need for darn benzos and such.

I can go to Ecuador with my cousin and get some relief from the oppression here. If it’s good I could rent like a friggin’ villa for $300 a month there for a few months and get my **** together.

I’m not happy I skipped out on that Health Coach program. I had the cash lined up (kind of) and it would have been work so I wasn’t lying around here, then I could definitely coach. I’ve had ME and the Booze issue. Most coaches maybe read a chapter on that. Ugghhh.

VIPER

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Old 02-21-2021, 04:35 PM
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Erratic, you can do 10 more days and then hit 20. If I did it anyone can!!!! Even though my life sucks right now, life is simply better sober. The booze life is shear pain. I know how hard it is, but you can do it. 💜💜👍
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Old 02-21-2021, 11:47 PM
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morning x
viper i hear how things are for u just now and its a good work on ur part that ur still sober regardless of all the stress your going through xx thanks for saying i can do this, i am going to do this. i do hope u manage to find somewhere to live and get some peace so u can work on what u want to do with ur life. x keep intouch with us and tell us how things are please, if you keep coming here least u can as i should do is vent or say whats on our minds x so keep coming back hun as u are a big part of this group also and is considering like everyone here, you are doing great and staying sober xx

im on day 2 and have a meeting this morning, also got to do my cards and not sure what else im going to do today, but i know i will either have to sleep or keep bz when witching hr happens or hey i come here xx

anyway i better get sorted and get another cup of tea, here thinking of you daisy, snitch, viper and dee xxx
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Old 02-21-2021, 11:57 PM
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Have a good day everyone

D
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Old 02-22-2021, 12:50 AM
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Good morning everyone, just jumping in quickly before the home schooling starts, fingers crossed the children go back to real school on 08 March.

Morning Erratic, so pleased that you're enjoying your meetings. I hope today is a good one for you.

Sorry for everything you're going through right now Viper, it all sounds very stressful. Big hugs.

Have a good night Dee.

Lots of love to you all.

Keep safe xxx
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Old 02-22-2021, 04:47 AM
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Hi everyone.

Sorry I haven't posted recently. I domeead daily but sometimes feel too tired to post .

Erratic, well done on 10 days. keep coming back as they say!!

Viper, sorry to hear that things are all a but up in the air but I have the upmost faith that things will work out for you.

Daisy, ahhhh back to homeschooling!. Let's see what tonight's announcements will bring !!

All is ok with me. Just plodding along really. Still having problems with food but I'll get there. My mum is ok ish but has not appetite and is waiting to hear from her oncologist about whether she is able to take steroids so that she can eat! She has been prescribed them by the hospice and has them already but needs to get a definite yes from the oncologist. She has been waiting since last wednesday for a response and nothing. I am not happy about that . She is going to call again today to chase up .

My brother has now moved into his own little place and seems to be ok. I sent his wife a message to say that I was sorry that they were splitting up but that I'll always consider her part of our family and wish her well . Omg, I would never have sent that if I was still drinking. I would have probably been a real bitch to her! So glad I am sober and working a programme today. Seren is good, getting cheeked by the day but also more funny, sweet, loving. I just adore her and love being sober and present to watch her grow and change.

I've been helping (or trying to help) a couple of newbies in recovery. One of them doesnt want it enough I feel and she has called me drunk a couple of times and has also been engaging in some really harmful and destructive behaviours. It is horrible to hear but also a big reminder of where I was and where I dont ever want to go back to. My good friend got outbid rehab and drank about 5 days after and is not in a good way. Another friend of mine whi just celebrated a years sobriety is not sure if she is alcoholic or not even tho I have heard her drinking history and I would definitely say she was even tho it's not up to me to diagnose someone else. I went to hers for dinner last week (oops breaking the rules a wee bit) as her daughter was at her dads and she was really low and Seren was at her dads. Anyway she cooked this huge meal but she had bought some non alcoholic beers and some nosecco. I had some of both and Whoa! No no no. Never again. I had one beer and of course it tastes JUST LIKE real beer. I did not feel 100% comfortable drinking it but I did anyway. The nosecco didnt seem to have the same effect but it was still too similar to drinking the real stuff in the way i held my wine glass and it's like a proper prosecco bottle with the corkb and everything. The next evening I actually felt like I wanted to go buy some non alcoholic beers. DANGER DANGER!!!! I shared about it on my morning meeting and then spoke to my sponsor. I certainly wont be doing that again and I also feel I need to take a bit of a step back from my friend as even tho she hasnt had a drink in a year she is one foot in one foot out and I cant afford to be around that.

So anyway thats all of my news. Nothing really much exciting. I am going to get back to OA as that was really helping me with my food issues.

I hope everyone has a good day xxx
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Old 02-23-2021, 06:10 AM
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afternoon, glad you posted snitch xx hope ur mum got her phone call x
nothing much to add its rain and dull here x here thinking of you all xx
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Old 02-23-2021, 04:34 PM
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Lovely to see that you've posted Suze, it's always good to hear from you. Back to school in less that 2 weeks now, phew, I can't wait and please, please let's hope and pray that they don't have to stay out of school again, apart from the fact that they have all missed so much schooling I am just so done with doing it at home, I've had enough now and I need a break from it.
I hope your mum has had that call back from the Oncologist, it's ridiculous how you have to chase everything up constantly.
Oh my goodness, alcohol free beer wouldn't be a problem for me, only because I've never, ever been a beer drinker and I couldn't see me wanting to drink it, but being a wino I don't think I could risk nosecco ( I've never actually heard of it before, to be honest but I can guess what it is) I think it might be too much of a trigger for me and I can't take that risk.

Hope you're okay Erratic, it's been really wild and windy here, I've got a Christmas tree in a big pot by the front door and it keeps getting blown over and rolling down the path.

Lots of love to you all.

Keep safe xx
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Old 02-23-2021, 10:56 PM
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Good morning Aprils, have a good Wednesday.

Love to all of you.

Keep safe. x
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Old 02-24-2021, 04:58 AM
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Morning everyone . Well afternoon now. Omg I didnt wake up till 11. Well I woke at 6.30 and jumped on an OA meeting and then fell back to sleep at 8 and couldn't rouse myself up. Anyway am up now and wanted ti check in before I get ready as have to go out and get some food and bits.

Daisy I am so so happy that the kids are going back to school!! I'm not even the one doing the home schooling but I just feel that is where they need to be. In a proper learning environment. With their friends. I feel so excited now that things are hopefully starting to get back to normal 🤞 it's just been pretty depressing lately. Also , Seren goes to her dads for 4 nights homeschooling and I hate it. I miss her. It feels do weird not having her here and doing normal routine stuff. I feel so off kilter with life at the moment but I know I am not the only one and we are all in the same boat. Thank God for the amazing scientists who make these vaccinations possible 🙏

I am on Day of abstinance from sugar and refined carbs. I have literally stopped alcohol for food and I am powerless over these foods. When I eat them i cant stop it's really awful. So I am having ti find acceptance that these types of foods have no place in my diet. Ever. One day at a time of course.

So, on my exciting agenda today is a bit if food shopping, also need some toiletries and cleaning stuff, then come home and clean! Lol. Rock n roll .

Yeh Daisy the nosecco was too close to home as well. I have drank sparkling fruit juices before like schloer and it really doesnt bother me. I know I am drinking fruit juice and I like sparkling drinks, it does not trigger me at all, but this nosecco was actually the closest non alcoholic drink I have tasted that is like the real thing. I dunno. I am not really sure if that triggered me actually. But def the beer did. Even tho wine was my drink of choice I did drink beer and I like beer in small doses and it was just too much like the real thing. So I am not going to touch it again it just isn't worth the risk.

My mum got her steroids and she has an appetite yay! I said to her this morning oh wow you can eat whatever you want today! I actually felt a but jealous haha.

ok guss have a good day .

Hi Dee 😊

Vipe, how you doing today? Xx
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Old 02-24-2021, 04:37 PM
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Hey guys. Am just off to bed. Have had a oretty emotional evening. I am GSR (General service Rep) for a ladies CA meeting on a Wednesday night. CA is cocaine anonymous but is open to anyone suffering from any drug or alcohol problem. Well, last week I decided that I didn't really feel I belonged there i felt like AA was my home and i spoke to the girl who had ser up the meeting and explained to her that I would have to habe in my service position and I felt bad about it but felt it was the right thing for my recovery. Anyway I was on the meeting tonight as I had been asked to tale the meeting as the secretary was doing ber chair that night. The chair is where the person tells their story. It was such an emotional and powerful story...what this young girl had been through made me want to weep and she has 7 months of sobriety and completely turned her life around and we all shared back and there was so much love in the meeting. Anyway it wasn't a busy meeting so I shared twice and I ended up sharing about how I was abusing food and that I had just done another step 4 and this time I had out myself on it because I have so many resentments towards myself for things I did in my past that I believe is stopping me from being 100% in recovery and hence why I am still abusing myself with sometjibg external ie food. And I found myself saying that you know, it doesnt matter what drug it is, or if it is alcohol or if it is food. It's what lies behind the substance. Pain. Trauma. Low self esteem. Not feeming good enough. Wanting to change how we feel. That is what is behind it and all of us in that meeting tonight have that in common and want to heal and move forward to enjoy life and be happy joyous and free. So I am staying. I am staying with those amazing women who I am growing to really care about.

And i have put all of these things on my step 4 that are keeping me locked in pain, remorse and regret, not being my own person at school and getting the best grades I could because I was following the "popular" girl and was more interested in being in with the right crowd than being my own person, for dropping out of college early, for terminating my baby, for being so selfish and thoughtless that I never took my ex's feelings into account, that I started drinking, that i lied and cheated on every boyfriend I had, that I slept with so many men, that I wasn't there for my mum when she first got her breast cancer, that I wasn't there for my nan in her final days in hospital, that I have wasted all the money I earnt, that I drank when I was pregnant with my beaitiful daughter and that I put her at risk with my drinking, that I havent spent more time with my mum and dad.

I know that the past is gone and I can't change any of it. I know that. But how do I forgive myself for things I feel are unforgivable? I want to let it all go but how exactly do I do that?!

You dont have to answer. These are rhetorical questions. I will be sharing this stuff with my OA sponsor as part of my step 5 and I think I will need to share with my AA sponsor too.

I am ok. This is all part of the recovery process. I drank on all this stuff for years and now I am not drinking I am using food in the same way and I want to be free from the obsession. I want to be happy.

So there we have it.

I am soooo tired.

Night all love you all xx
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Old 02-24-2021, 05:11 PM
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And I found myself saying that you know, it doesnt matter what drug it is, or if it is alcohol or if it is food. It's what lies behind the substance. Pain. Trauma. Low self esteem. Not feeming good enough. Wanting to change how we feel. That is what is behind it and all of us in that meeting tonight have that in common and want to heal and move forward to enjoy life and be happy joyous and free. So I am staying. I am staying with those amazing women who I am growing to really care about.
I think that's a great choice.

D
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Old 02-26-2021, 01:44 PM
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Hi all, I'm just checking in to say hello and goodnight, lol. All is okay, I'm sad at the sad news on S.R today and I'm tired too. I'll be here tomorrow.

Lots of love

Keep safe. xx
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Old 02-26-2021, 03:29 PM
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(((db)))

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Old 02-27-2021, 12:48 AM
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Good morning everyone

I am feeling so much better for outing myself and getting help so I can truly clear up the wreckage of my past and move forward. I am in bed with Seren, having a chilled out Sat morning, enjoying a cup of tea and connecting with my beloved SR. I can hear the birds tweeting and a dog barking and the morning has a spring like feel to it. It is beautiful and I am a grateful alcoholic today.

We had the best day yesterday. My younger sister took the day off and came and picked up me and Seren to go see my mum and dad. It was just amazing to be with them. It was hard to see my mum how she is. Shs is so tiny and frail. But it was wonferful to cuddle her and be with her. We met up with my sister in law and my neice and nephew and went over to the park and then to feed the ducks and geese. My mum and dad drove over and we pushed my mum in the wheelchair. She wanted to walk but only managed 10 mins 😢 but it was good to get her out and get some fresh air and some sun on her face. Seren had a great time with her cousins and I was playing with them and running around after them. They gave me the biggest cuddles! My sister in law seems so much happier now too! I think her marriage to my brother was really getting her down. Well, it's a sh*t life being married to an addict.

My dad said that we will be able to go over and stay soon. I think it really cheered them up too to see us and the grandchildren. Time is so precious, you think you have all the time in the world and then.... but we have today. Make the most of today.

And today I am going to enjoy the day with my girl. She wants to go to Starbucks lol. She loves their frapuccinos so we will head there and see where the day takes us.

I'm sorry if my last post was a bit heavy. I really want to be able to forgive myself and move forward so that I can enjoy the rest of my short time on this planet and be the best mum I can to my girl.

I love you all and I thank you for all being here. Have a blessed day .

♥️♥️
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Old 02-27-2021, 02:24 PM
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Thanks Dee

Sounds like a blissful morning Suze. I'm so glad that you got to visit your mum and dad yesterday and I'm sure that your visit will have given your mum a boost and cheered them both up massively. Time is very precious you're right, make the most of the here and now.

Are you okay Erratic, you're being very quiet lately, don't stay away too long, I miss you.

All is okay with me but I guess I'm a bit down, my lovely best friend, my daughter's mil is deteriorating rapidly with motor neurone disease, she has lost the use of both legs and her right arm now, my heart breaks for her. Then today we found out that one of Mr D's close friends has been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia at the age of 60. It's just got to me a bit and with the lovely Rusty Zipper from here passing away too, it makes me realise just how fragile life is and how we should live every day like it's our last. Thank God I'm not wasting any more time by drinking it away!
Anyway, I'll leave all my doom and gloom right there. Tomorrows another day.

Lots of love.

Keep safe. xxx
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Old 02-27-2021, 11:07 PM
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Every day is a gift I reckon but we're allowed to be sad and pissed off at loss, illness and other things DB.

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Old 02-28-2021, 01:20 AM
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sry to hear about people u know daisy not doing good, defo allowed to be sad x
sry also not got much to say just now.
glad ur are feeling better also snitch x
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Old 02-28-2021, 01:25 AM
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Thanks Dee, you're right I know.

Morning Erratic and thanks, good to see you even if you've not got much to say. Look after yourself. xx

Morning Suze, have a lovely day whatever you're doing. xx
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