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One Year And Under Club Part 67

Old 11-16-2020, 12:50 AM
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I'll post this here rather than a monthly thread: have you thought maybe something a little bit more structured like an online AA meeting or SMART meeting could help Willow?

I agree that you need to find new ways to relax and find a better work life balance - but maybe you also need to accept there's a nasty and persistent case of alcoholism there as well?

D
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Old 11-16-2020, 02:08 AM
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Welcome citrus!
This thread slows sometimes but always picks back up.

Hello to the rest of you undies and ovies!

Life is good, Ruthie is awesome and my pups still think my house is a toilet! Getting better but it is a slow process


Have a great day all!
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Old 11-16-2020, 07:09 AM
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Toots - I am up in the air. We met with Mirko (my therapist) last wednesday and Mrs announced that things have been better (AKA I'm being nice and doing (mostly) what she wants). So she is conflicted and has stopped preparing to move out. I also felt jumped upon because Mirko put the load on me - I have to realize that my dark periods are part of me, I have to fight them, I can't let them make me react to things outside myself. Yeah, right. What about all the things/habits Mrs has and does that really are inconsiderate, passive/agressive, and that push my buttons. Why does no one but me have to change and accomodate everyone else? End of rant. Sorry.

On a happy note - while two of the orchids have gone by, the Dendrobium (white & dark pink) will be blooming for a long time yet and two more have opened. A really large "blue" Cattleya with a very nice scent, and a yellow mini-cat with no scent.

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Old 11-16-2020, 02:12 PM
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I’m not in denial Dee, otherwise I wouldn’t be here
I just don’t want to go to meetings. I know I can do this. SR is a wonderful support, I just have to use it more when I’m struggling, rather than withdrawing into myself, which I know I have a tendency to do. I’m working on it.
And I’m feeling positive and motivated

Gorgeous orchids Charon. Thank you for sharing them.

Have a good day Undies
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Old 11-16-2020, 03:48 PM
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SR was enough for me because I promised myself if it didn't work it was off to AA or some other meeting based support.
My reluctance to go down that route (the reasons don't matter now) was one of the things that helped keep me sober.

I don;t think you're in denial - at least not about being an alcoholic.

But if you keep drinking you may need you to look at some things, other supports that you don't want to do right now.

D
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Old 11-16-2020, 11:56 PM
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Sorry you feel put upon Charon, I believe it takes two to make an argument, one can shout and rant, but the other can actively instigate that response in the first place and then respond as a victim in the latter. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle it is interesting how those who want to feel victims, do not actually want to be rescued as it means they are no longer victims. In this instance, if your wife moves out, she no longer has you to blame for what happens. It is interesting reading and is involved in many different forms of relationships we share with others in our lives from some work colleagues to friends to family.


Willow, I know you have the strength to do this, you have reached a year before, but something is triggering a response to turn to alcohol. You have gotten through some of the absolute worst of times without drinking, then given yourself permission to drink over a more minor stress. Try to recall what was going through your mind that day, why did you concede and allow AV to win? What can you do differently to prevent the same scenario? I too struggled with the thought of f2f recovery probably for similar reasons. I was (and still am) fortunate to have the support of a loving husband who has been there for me, but first I needed to believe in and love myself. I believe you had some counselling after your parents died, do you feel it might help to get some more? I know you're feeling positive right now, and that is great, you need that positivity and strength to get through these first weeks, but also while you are still feeling strong and positive, maybe now is the time to make those preparations to buttress up your determination if you become more complacent?
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Old 11-17-2020, 02:12 AM
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Yes I am looking at getting more counselling Toots. I also did a DNA test at the urging of my doctor, to see how I metabolise different medications. We have discussed antidepressants on a number of occasions and I have previously tried a couple which I stopped due to negative side effects. My doctor recommended the testing to see if we can figure out a better way forward. I have been seeing her for a number of years now and she’s thorough and I trust her. I got an email today that the results are back, so now I need to make another appointment with my doctor. I may not go on any medications, but I will consider my options with my doctor, both regarding medications, alternatives and counselling. I still don’t think I have had the right counsellor, mostly because both of the previous ones thought a glass of wine or two was a good way to unwind, and I never fully opened up to them because of that. So I think I need a different focus in counselling, not just grief/depression, but also addressing addiction. I know not all counsellors do the same things, so I need to chat to my doctor more about my options, because grief and depression were the main reasons I went previously.
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Old 11-17-2020, 01:55 PM
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Hi everyone

Just a quick check in over morning coffee .

Willow - it sounds like you have a plan going forward. I hope you can get to implement the actions really soon and find yourself a bit of a comfort zone before the festive season kicks in. All up, you have lots of experience being sober and you enjoy it more than being a drinker - so you just need to make sure you never have that first drink (yeah, I know that it sounds easy, but sometimes it is really hard). Any help you can get to reduce the stress and stabilise your emotions has got to help.

Toots - I enjoyed your response to Charon re victims. Too true - but it is hard/impossible to change other people. Charon, maybe you could mention it to Mirko or raise it during a session sometime in a way that you don't sound like the victim?

Gotta run - take care all.
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Old 11-17-2020, 01:58 PM
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Have a good day Coz
Just having my morning coffee too. I’m only working 9-3 today and have my “NO” response firmly in place if I get asked to work extra. No, sorry I can’t
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Old 11-17-2020, 03:04 PM
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Hi All - I’m posting in the November thread but would like to contribute here too. I am on Day 2 and have had a lot of Day 1s in the last couple months. I had a great 4 month run of sobriety mid February to mid June and another 25 days in July but I keep slipping. The last bender was 2 weeks and yesterday Day 1 I felt pretty awful. I didn’t even drink that much on Sunday. My body is definitely telling me to quit. I feel pretty good today almost normal but am going to need support when the AV comes back. Thanks.
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Old 11-17-2020, 05:15 PM
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Welcome Scott!
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Old 11-18-2020, 01:15 AM
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Welcome Scott, it's good to have as much support as you can get. Have you thought about what is in your mind when you relapse? If you've been a member for as long as you have, then obviously you have been worried about your intake for a long time. It took me a decade of stop start drinking to really begin to put firmer plans in place, and even then I was looking at drink management rather than complete abstinence. I could not at that point foresee a future where alcohol did not play a part. I had to (literally, and in Dee's words), 'take alcohol off the table' it had to no longer be on the menu, or in my future. I dealt with my recovery one day at a time, but I still had to firmly believe I was choosing a different way of life.

Some here on SR have low self esteem, some have been told so often they believe it, that they are failures. Some, like me, used alcohol as an emotional crutch to help suspend dealing with strong emotional situations, I also used it to oil social meetings, I was rather shy! I also used it to cope with the disappointment I felt in the way my life had 'turned out'.

i feel once a person had looked into the reasons they drink, and the reasons they fail in recovery, they can look at the right tools to help them to stay on the path. For me I had some counselling. I also spent the first year or so actually dealing with suppressed emotions that I had bottled down. I also made changes in the things that made me unhappy.

none of this happens over night. And none of this is easy. But all of it is achievable one bite at a time.

It really helped me to open up here, writing about my feelings I got feedback from others here - free counselling! - it also helped me to support others. I spend a huge amount of time here initially. We put drinking ahead of everything when we are deep in our addiction, we have to put our recovery above everything else, be as selfish about that as we were about drinking, if we are to make it work.

Willow, certainly you need to feel in sinc with your counsellor. They need to be empathetic, but also challenge you to look inside yourself. We don't always like what we see, but those are the things that it is within our power to change.

Coz you're right, we cannot change how another acts, speaks and feels, all we can change is our own response to it. That is a lot easier when it is someone in the periphery of our lives, but if they are living with us on a daily basis it is not so easy, we get drawn into responses. Much depends on our own moods as to how we react. My response to an argument was to get good and drunk, and blame my lapse on hubby. It also helped to hide from the reasons for the arguments. Now I have more mature ways of dealing and fewer arguments.
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Old 11-18-2020, 02:33 AM
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Really great post Toots, thank you, your insight is really helpful

Welcome Scott

I would write more, but I’m so tired and am off to bed early, goodnight everyone zzzz
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Old 11-19-2020, 10:16 AM
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Toots - thanks for the link and your other spot on observations.. I want to take time to read it carefully and absorb what I can and put that into practice. I can also find a way to bring it up with Mirko.

Nights have been bitter cold for a couple of days. I am not liking taking Ruthie out in the middle of the night for her potty. I started looking for a snowsuit I can jump out of bed and just slip on for overnight pottty outings. Saw one that was rated to -50°F. It was pricy but ...
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Old 11-19-2020, 01:52 PM
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Hi Undies

Welcome to the Undies Scott - hope you are still doing well and over those awful first few days. My 2020 has been a bit like yours with good spells of sobriety interspersed with back on the drink. I'm going to finish the year up with 3 months of sobriety and then make 2021 my first calendar year sober since 1969 .

Toots - that was a great post ^^. I'm thinking there was wisdom for all of us in your words. Thank you!

Willow - I hope your tiredness is not from working more than you had agreed to? I am trying to learn from your experience, but work is busy at the moment and I am too new so trying to be a good employee and not say 'no' too much. But, I am going to take this afternoon off as I was feeling the exhaustion factor last night and I do have to work on Saturday. So 'me time' this afternoon - yay.

Hi to everyone - don't forget to smile, even if you don't feel like it! It does help whatever mood you are in.
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Old 11-19-2020, 02:25 PM
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Thank Tootsl1 - You are correct I have been thinking about it for a long time. I really started to make progress a year ago and had many more sober days than drunk ones after last November but this fall I slipped back into drinking. Not heavy at first but then a couple two week binges the last one ending last Sunday. I know I am an alcoholic but in the past have rationalized that now I can handle it. I do know that I can’t but still wanted to try. I am hopefully past that point this time. I know what alcohol does to my body and mind. I lived really healthy during my 4 month sober stretch and even drinking on and off during the summer but in October that stopped and I am determined to get it back again. My plan is a lot more SR and I think you are right that alcohol has to be off the table for me. That is where I am at and feeling good about it.
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Old 11-19-2020, 03:54 PM
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Welcome Scott!
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Old 11-19-2020, 11:09 PM
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Coz, I had a busy work week, but I also wasn’t sleeping at all well. I finished at lunchtime today and have the weekend off, phew!
It’s good that you’re having some time to yourself this afternoon.

I know what it’s like, not wanting to say no to work, especially in a new position, just be careful not to overdo it. I’m sure you’ll be able to work out a balance And that’s what it’s all about really isn’t it, a balance between work and play/downtime.

I just overdid the work part.
But I think I’m back on track again. I slept a bit better and felt more refreshed this morning. And I’m looking forward to a relaxing weekend
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Old 11-19-2020, 11:49 PM
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Charon, remember that the dynamics can change at times, so while your wife may see you as 'persecutor' and Mirko as 'rescuer' to her 'victim' , you may well see yourself as victim to their persecutors at times. The situations can be very fluid. There is also a fascinating book called 'The Games People Play' by Eric Berne and basically suggests that types of people are drawn to other types as they fill a need for them. Explains certain codependent relationships that seem pretty poisonous! It's fascinating how we can subconsciously use others to fulfil a specific role in our lives.

Scott, good to hear you are focussing on sobriety this time. And maybe you need to think whether SR is going to be enough or whether you need face to face contact going forward. There are also a lot of recovery websites now who so face to face online due to the pandemic, so far less concerns about being recognised!

Willow, Coz, sounds like you are both recognising the need for a better work/life balance for your well-being. It can take time to put in place, but if you keep the thought of it front and centre, I'm sure you can work towards it, and keep the thought of it as a reward in more stressful times.

Good to see you FK, how are those puppies growing?

Have a great weekend everyone, Be Safe, Be Strong, Be Sober!
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Old 11-20-2020, 02:30 AM
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Sober Friday night here. 8.30pm. Have a great weekend Undies
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