Class of March 2020 Part 5
Member
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: Poole, Dorset
Posts: 532
Originally Posted by Tinkerbeau 
Thanks everyone. Going to try get some sleep and will feel better tomorrow. Maybe if i hadn't drank for so long to cope with life i would of dealt with all of these feelings b4 now. I'm on waiting list for a type of cbt so hopefully that will help too. I just hate days like this where i feel trapped in my own head.
Hey Tink,
Hope you are feeling a bit better today, I think it can be overwelming to be suddenky confronting unsettling memories with a clear head, hopefully CBT will help long term, but in the meantime be kind to yourself
Love Billy x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Morning everyone hope your all well.
Yes i feel bit better thanks, going to do my weekly visit to my mam and dads always feel better once its over. Lockdown has been such a help for me in that before it was expected i called every other day, since my dad had his stroke. It was too much. Especially as my mam can go off at me whenever i dont do as she likes and tell my how useless i am, selfish, ungrateful, caused my dads stroke etc etc then expects things to be back to normal. All she goes on about know is wanting to go on holiday, which she can't do without me going. Last time i went on holiday with them it was just another thing to be thrown in my face as to how ungrateful i am everytime she decides to go off at me. So the last thing i want is to go away again. Yet my brother can just do what he likes as she told me he has his own life, she obviously dosnt think i do.
anyway im going to keep visits to once a week even after lockdown, otherwise its a massive risk to staying sober as she is a huge trigger for me. I feel guilty as i know alot of people would love to have thier mother but i can't help how she made me feel all these years.
Sorry For the rant. I will check in once I'm back home
Yes i feel bit better thanks, going to do my weekly visit to my mam and dads always feel better once its over. Lockdown has been such a help for me in that before it was expected i called every other day, since my dad had his stroke. It was too much. Especially as my mam can go off at me whenever i dont do as she likes and tell my how useless i am, selfish, ungrateful, caused my dads stroke etc etc then expects things to be back to normal. All she goes on about know is wanting to go on holiday, which she can't do without me going. Last time i went on holiday with them it was just another thing to be thrown in my face as to how ungrateful i am everytime she decides to go off at me. So the last thing i want is to go away again. Yet my brother can just do what he likes as she told me he has his own life, she obviously dosnt think i do.
anyway im going to keep visits to once a week even after lockdown, otherwise its a massive risk to staying sober as she is a huge trigger for me. I feel guilty as i know alot of people would love to have thier mother but i can't help how she made me feel all these years.
Sorry For the rant. I will check in once I'm back home
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Yes do check back in.
Its really easy for me to say but.... it sounds like your mum has her own demons. My mum is not a very nice character a lot of the time, doesn't sound as bad as yours but not in any way 'nurturing', not now and not when I was a kid. It's really helped me to understand she is probably mentally ill...
(let me stop myself here and allow myself to laugh at that last sentence, and also my arrogance in diagnosing her hahahahahahahahha)
...whether that be depression or something else. She really is very negative and I have to work hard not to hate her. Its a 'distance' thing (that those of us who were not nurtured as children find really hard, annoyingly) - her feelings and moods have no reflection on me or my worth. That's really hard to believe as deep down I'm still a kid who needs his mothers love and approval, but I'm working on it.
I think you'd be wise to limit your time with her. Could you summon the strength to tell her you'll limit it even more because of the way she makes you feel? Without stressing yourself out unduly? It may be impossible but it may also be very satisfying to put those boundaries down?
Its really easy for me to say but.... it sounds like your mum has her own demons. My mum is not a very nice character a lot of the time, doesn't sound as bad as yours but not in any way 'nurturing', not now and not when I was a kid. It's really helped me to understand she is probably mentally ill...
(let me stop myself here and allow myself to laugh at that last sentence, and also my arrogance in diagnosing her hahahahahahahahha)
...whether that be depression or something else. She really is very negative and I have to work hard not to hate her. Its a 'distance' thing (that those of us who were not nurtured as children find really hard, annoyingly) - her feelings and moods have no reflection on me or my worth. That's really hard to believe as deep down I'm still a kid who needs his mothers love and approval, but I'm working on it.
I think you'd be wise to limit your time with her. Could you summon the strength to tell her you'll limit it even more because of the way she makes you feel? Without stressing yourself out unduly? It may be impossible but it may also be very satisfying to put those boundaries down?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Im hoping if i just try to distance myself by keeping to weekly visits after lockdown, it will get easier. I will have to say something if she keeps talking about holiday though as i just don't want to go. Since lockdown she has took to ringing me everyday even though there is nothing to say which is bad enough. It's hard as im starting to see where alot of my issues came from.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,446
Originally Posted by Tinkerbeau
Morning everyone hope your all well.
Yes i feel bit better thanks, going to do my weekly visit to my mam and dads always feel better once its over. Lockdown has been such a help for me in that before it was expected i called every other day, since my dad had his stroke. It was too much. Especially as my mam can go off at me whenever i dont do as she likes and tell my how useless i am, selfish, ungrateful, caused my dads stroke etc etc then expects things to be back to normal. All she goes on about know is wanting to go on holiday, which she can't do without me going. Last time i went on holiday with them it was just another thing to be thrown in my face as to how ungrateful i am everytime she decides to go off at me. So the last thing i want is to go away again. Yet my brother can just do what he likes as she told me he has his own life, she obviously dosnt think i do.
anyway im going to keep visits to once a week even after lockdown, otherwise its a massive risk to staying sober as she is a huge trigger for me. I feel guilty as i know alot of people would love to have thier mother but i can't help how she made me feel all these years.
Sorry For the rant. I will check in once I'm back home
Yes i feel bit better thanks, going to do my weekly visit to my mam and dads always feel better once its over. Lockdown has been such a help for me in that before it was expected i called every other day, since my dad had his stroke. It was too much. Especially as my mam can go off at me whenever i dont do as she likes and tell my how useless i am, selfish, ungrateful, caused my dads stroke etc etc then expects things to be back to normal. All she goes on about know is wanting to go on holiday, which she can't do without me going. Last time i went on holiday with them it was just another thing to be thrown in my face as to how ungrateful i am everytime she decides to go off at me. So the last thing i want is to go away again. Yet my brother can just do what he likes as she told me he has his own life, she obviously dosnt think i do.
anyway im going to keep visits to once a week even after lockdown, otherwise its a massive risk to staying sober as she is a huge trigger for me. I feel guilty as i know alot of people would love to have thier mother but i can't help how she made me feel all these years.
Sorry For the rant. I will check in once I'm back home
And I am super-glad that you are going to keep the visits weekly from here on in.
I really wish your mum was nicer to you.
sEnjoy your walk love.
❤️
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Thanks venus. I think she just mixed up love with control and cared more about how she wanted to appear to others. I guess i learnt how i didn't want to be as a parent. So have a close relationship with my son.
Pleased to be sober as even though the tough days still happen they pass much quicker. Drinking just led to a week long pity party. Sober you feel rubbish deal with it then its a new day and you move on.
Pleased to be sober as even though the tough days still happen they pass much quicker. Drinking just led to a week long pity party. Sober you feel rubbish deal with it then its a new day and you move on.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
Wow, that was my mom to a tee. She was more concerned with how she was viewed and never really showed love or affection. Both my parents were control freaks and you could never do anything right. Tink, I think you have just helped me find the core of my issues as well. I made a conscious effort to be the opposite of how I was raised. I don’t think I ever heard the word love from my Mom.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,446
I am so sorry dear Bil. sMy parents were radical control freaks and my mum was all sorts of over the top (like moi) but the love came in huge loads and was unconditional.....and believe you me, I gave my parents many reasons to want to kill me just about.
You are all such lovey people.....kind and caring and smart.....and all despite having mums who perhaps could have done way better.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by Bilr44
Wow, that was my mom to a tee. She was more concerned with how she was viewed and never really showed love or affection. Both my parents were control freaks and you could never do anything right. Tink, I think you have just helped me find the core of my issues as well. I made a conscious effort to be the opposite of how I was raised. I don’t think I ever heard the word love from my Mom.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
I think it there is a different dynamic between mothers and daughters than there is mothers and sons. There is a saying that goes something like this. Mothers have sons until they find a wife, but they have daughters for life. The life part can be good or bad. My sister had a very love/hate relationship with my mom. They were like trying to put fire out with gasoline at some times. I became more distant from my parents when I moved away and had kids. I even asked to be taken out of their will because I didn’t want to deal with the hassle that money provides. It is good to talk about these things here as I haven’t thought about these things in a long time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Evening all. Interesting discussion thread.
Ive made peace with my parents and their behaviour towards me (I think they've done the same for me). We haven't had a big heart to heart, we've just mellowed into it over the years. But the hidden damage is coming out in my therapy sessions...it's such a cliche but it's true, all we really ever want is to be loved by our mums, and then we strive to find that security as adults. I found false security at the bottom of a pint glass for too long
I do hope you sleep well Tink and if it's possible distance your own self worth from the dysfunctional behaviour of others...and Bilr have a great rest of the day...and Billy M don't work too hard!
And Venus, thanks for all your support and oversight as always
Good night
Ive made peace with my parents and their behaviour towards me (I think they've done the same for me). We haven't had a big heart to heart, we've just mellowed into it over the years. But the hidden damage is coming out in my therapy sessions...it's such a cliche but it's true, all we really ever want is to be loved by our mums, and then we strive to find that security as adults. I found false security at the bottom of a pint glass for too long
I do hope you sleep well Tink and if it's possible distance your own self worth from the dysfunctional behaviour of others...and Bilr have a great rest of the day...and Billy M don't work too hard!
And Venus, thanks for all your support and oversight as always
Good night
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Yeah Bil sounds very similar, i have a brother too and always thought he was treated differently but they were probs as hard on him really i think it's just he is alot better at distancing himself than me. I need to learn to be more self confident i guess.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by Be123
Evening all. Interesting discussion thread.
Ive made peace with my parents and their behaviour towards me (I think they've done the same for me). We haven't had a big heart to heart, we've just mellowed into it over the years. But the hidden damage is coming out in my therapy sessions...it's such a cliche but it's true, all we really ever want is to be loved by our mums, and then we strive to find that security as adults. I found false security at the bottom of a pint glass for too long
I do hope you sleep well Tink and if it's possible distance your own self worth from the dysfunctional behaviour of others...and Bilr have a great rest of the day...and Billy M don't work too hard!
And Venus, thanks for all your support and oversight as always
Good night
Ive made peace with my parents and their behaviour towards me (I think they've done the same for me). We haven't had a big heart to heart, we've just mellowed into it over the years. But the hidden damage is coming out in my therapy sessions...it's such a cliche but it's true, all we really ever want is to be loved by our mums, and then we strive to find that security as adults. I found false security at the bottom of a pint glass for too long
I do hope you sleep well Tink and if it's possible distance your own self worth from the dysfunctional behaviour of others...and Bilr have a great rest of the day...and Billy M don't work too hard!
And Venus, thanks for all your support and oversight as always
Good night
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Morning all. A lovely sleep, I'm napping in the day time at the moment but it doesn't matter , slept 10-7 last night. That's a really long time for me and it feels great!
Not much in way of plans for today, my youngest goes back to school on Monday (two days a week) so in a way it's the end of what had been a bizarre period in my life
Not much in way of plans for today, my youngest goes back to school on Monday (two days a week) so in a way it's the end of what had been a bizarre period in my life
Member
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: Poole, Dorset
Posts: 532
Originally Posted by Tinkerbeau
Morning everyone hope your all well.
Yes i feel bit better thanks, going to do my weekly visit to my mam and dads always feel better once its over. Lockdown has been such a help for me in that before it was expected i called every other day, since my dad had his stroke. It was too much. Especially as my mam can go off at me whenever i dont do as she likes and tell my how useless i am, selfish, ungrateful, caused my dads stroke etc etc then expects things to be back to normal. All she goes on about know is wanting to go on holiday, which she can't do without me going. Last time i went on holiday with them it was just another thing to be thrown in my face as to how ungrateful i am everytime she decides to go off at me. So the last thing i want is to go away again. Yet my brother can just do what he likes as she told me he has his own life, she obviously dosnt think i do.
anyway im going to keep visits to once a week even after lockdown, otherwise its a massive risk to staying sober as she is a huge trigger for me. I feel guilty as i know alot of people would love to have thier mother but i can't help how she made me feel all these years.
Sorry For the rant. I will check in once I'm back home
Yes i feel bit better thanks, going to do my weekly visit to my mam and dads always feel better once its over. Lockdown has been such a help for me in that before it was expected i called every other day, since my dad had his stroke. It was too much. Especially as my mam can go off at me whenever i dont do as she likes and tell my how useless i am, selfish, ungrateful, caused my dads stroke etc etc then expects things to be back to normal. All she goes on about know is wanting to go on holiday, which she can't do without me going. Last time i went on holiday with them it was just another thing to be thrown in my face as to how ungrateful i am everytime she decides to go off at me. So the last thing i want is to go away again. Yet my brother can just do what he likes as she told me he has his own life, she obviously dosnt think i do.
anyway im going to keep visits to once a week even after lockdown, otherwise its a massive risk to staying sober as she is a huge trigger for me. I feel guilty as i know alot of people would love to have thier mother but i can't help how she made me feel all these years.
Sorry For the rant. I will check in once I'm back home
Love Billy x
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