Steely

I can relate Venus. I'm sorry. And it sucks, I know. But we are survivors and will rise above the rabble of our minds, and it will pass.
When I came here this morning I'd determined to be honest about the difficulty I'm having dealing with my feelings, the past. It's awful, and I'm depressed and anxious too. No way 'round it but through it to coin a phrase.
Good idea to see someone about the way you are feeling. They better be good or I'll have to have a shot at them. . We will emerge from this Venus, just gotta keep going into the next phase which for me is being honest with myself. I think you are about 100 Phases ahead of me, but this doesn't mean that these feelings do not reemerge from time to time. You've got the skills and you've got the heart Venus, and it will pass. And thank you for everything you have done for ME.
Thanks for sharing so honestly Venus. I felt like a real downer/loser because I couldn't grow a bloody petunia. Love you Venus.

Steely

Hi Zura. How are you doing in the grog department?
I have absolutely no urge or desire to drink it's just the dealing with my feelings I'm finding hard. Makes perfect sense. Can't switch my mind off with alcohol anymore and now I'm left with just me. Maybe I'm not so bad after all.
Thanks for all of your kindness Zura.

Steely

Good to see you Willow. Hope we can all develop good communication about the real stuff here.
I love the garden and love to share tips, but most of all I want my mind to grow. Big ask I know. Hahaha. See what I mean? Always putting myself down. This must change.
Welcome Willow.

venuscat

Gosh I am grateful for you amazing girls....big time.

And yes, all of us it seems are dealing with depression or anxiety or loss or all of the above....drinking is the furthest thing form my mind. I could not imagine trying to get strong and healthy again with that demon driving the bus.

I just wish I could stop crying. It makes me feel so weak.
And Steely love.....I have your petunias. I have all of the petunias.

Onward together. And not that it should matter, but it really does....the fact that my Aussie friends get me means the world. s

Steely

Yay! Steely takes up an entire "Part". "Gotta head full of ideas, that are driving me insane". Bob Dylan. Just speaking for myself here, but for just about my entire life I have been "the rescuer", and it has to stop. Didn't know how to save myself. Didn't think I was worth it. I'll still care, but not to the point of self sacrifice. I'm looking fair and square in the mirror, and for once the 'pretty' girl is starting to reflect back to me. You've helped me with that Venus. I think you are beautiful.
My mirror is still a bit distorted, but it's taking shape at last.

venuscat

Awwwww.........squooge. You made me feel very loved.

I always knew I was blessed to meet you Steely.....I adore you and you too Zura and Willow. And Snooz. I know she isn't in this thread, but I could not survive without my beautiful Aussie girlfriends.

So proud of you dear Steely.....and I get that you are anxious and overwhelmed right now too....I think with our absolute honesty and understanding we can really help each other. We are helping each other. Yes? s

Steely

We will help each other Venus.
So hard for me to be honest. All of the buried stuff. But Gee it feels so good to start the journey. No one is going to kick me in the head here. I no longer have to hide my real feelings whatever they might be. Being an 'alcoholic' can really leave a girl open to be scapegoated. I'm not whinging about it, but it sticks out like dogs balls now. We are strong Venus. And we will grow.
Let's do this thing. And when I F up remind me of this post.

venuscat

Oh yeah. I hear you.

And yes, no shame here. Just understanding and support. And friendship. So so so important right now and always.....but right now.....more than ever.

And sorry to be about me when you have just had such a tragic loss. It's just that May 10 being mother's day kind of killed me. Double whammy. s xx

Zura

Venus - I totally understand what you mean about thinking you wouldn't have to go through it all again. It can seem especially cruel after a period of relief and then out of nowhere....whamoo! Its like being buried under a rock avalanche you didn't see coming. I guess its all a process of growing and evolving but it does get exhausting and can feel a bit "Really, THIS again". I used to feel that way about crying and then I decided all the tears just need to come out, its years of repressed emotions trapped inside. Even people that never drank etc were brought up in a culture that doesn't honour emotions and feelings and treats them like they are something shameful. There are times in life that are very traumatic and if we weren't allowed to feel our feelings or have compassion for ourselves all that ick gets trapped and stored. I find it helpful to be REALLY compassionate towards myself, knowing im being there for myself for the times i was prevented from by social expectations and conditioning or when my caregivers as a child couldnt be there for me. Probably sounds wacky but it works for me so thought i would share. xxoo
Steely - I can only imagine the feelings you must be processing at the moment. Very insightful revelations about giving too much of yourself and how that care needs to be given to you first and foremost before others. Whatever is left over can be freely given, just making sure our cup is full first. Re grog i still have thoughts about drinking and it takes a lot of work for me not to relapse, its a pretty continual effort for me. I'm working on all the big issues though and doing my best to not fall into any unhealthy patterns. It doesnt feel like im doing very well but when i look in the mirror i see a much younger, healthier and slimer person looking back and the twinkle in the eye is there more often then not. There isnt a sad bloated miserable old looking lady staring back constantly anymore so i'm thinking there's more growth then I realise. Progress is progress i guess and Rome wasnt built in a day. I love your words re growing yourself, lovely xxoo
Much love to you ladies and anyone else reading

venuscat

Oh Zura. Yes.....so much growth. So much progress.

And thank you. This is a wonderful and very therapeutic conversation. s

Zura

It is lovely. I cant tell you how comforting it is to have you all to talk to. I've never had family or friends that i can talk like this with. Im not sure if it the nature of those relationship dynamics that prevent it but this feels like a very supportive and safe place to be authentic. Thanks peeps xxoo

venuscat

We are family now.....the best kind. The family we choose. s xx

Zura

That's lovely Venus. I have always longed for my own "tribe". It is a biological need to feel like you 'belong' and have a true connection with others. What a blessing we can be that for each other.

Dee74

I'm sorry the day is difficult Suze. I hope its nearly over for you now
D

venuscat

It is....it is also a lot better now....honest conversation and emoting and lots of wonderful support. I have really had a hard time just wanting to go home, where it is so much safer. It is scary here. And today, yeah, tough. But talking is good. I am very grateful for awesome SR peeps.

Zura

Good Morning All,
Hope your both feeling better (Venus & Steely). Just dropping in to see how everyone is. Its chilly here and im finding it hard to stay motivated and not curl up with a doona. My love to you all xxoo

venuscat

I am empowering myself by taking lots of positive action.

Just about ready to start taking garden pics.....maybe tomorrow I will get the next 25 plants planted.

Love and good morning and wishing you a wonderful day dear Zura. s xx

Zura

That a girl! Haha 25 plants is ALOT!! Ive got a few hundred onion seed & garlic cloves to plant which when i compare them to larger actual plants doesn't feel so daunting now. I even get to sit on a lil stool which is perfect size for my raised beds and just shuffle it along as i go. Ive had a few people (all males) suggest i should fashion a suspended whole body harness over the beds that i can strap myself into and glide around on

venuscat

OMG, that would be crazy fun, no?

Zura

It sounds like fun doesnt it lol its as hilarious as it is brilliant......and also totally impractical. PS I hope you are having/had a lovely day too xxoo