kk1k5x

I think sobriety is a key to a house, but the kind of life and setting you create in the house is up to every individual. Leave it empty and take the 'yay, I have a house now' approach, and soon enough, having that key becomes irrelevant. Soon after that, it starts to look very reasonable to give the key and the house away...
What I learned, hmm. Not much? Which is weird, I guess. Well, I learned that as a matter of fact, I can go more than a week or month without a drink. But in terms of life and living, I really didn't learn too much. The thing with those attempts was that ...even though they were more or less sincere, they were still more towards the make-believe type. As if I was pretending to be a sober person or a person in recovery, y'know? I went to the psychiatrist, because I thought that's what you're supposed to do. I think that helped a little bit, although it was the medication type of solution for the most part (the doc offered counselling, but I declined). I did try to re-establish and/or create new relationships with people, but it was mostly still pretend. I didn't want to go to a cafe etc, but I figured that's what 'normal people do'.
This time around I realised that a lot of my personal problems, i.e. the way I view(ed) myself, came from the fact that I'm super bad at pretending when it comes to important outwardly things. I either am, or I am not. That is to say, I have a very difficult time doing things because 'others think it's normal'. I've found more peace and contentment this time by just being myself. In the past, I refused to accept my shortcomings, so I was constantly on edge as there were (and are) many-many shortcomings. E.g. I never aspired to be 'just a decent person', I wanted to be perfect. I never aspired to be 'just a reliable person', I wanted to dominate everyone (in everything). I never aspired to 'just play a useful role', I wanted to lead and receive accolades. And so on, ad nauseam.
From that constant inner conflict, resentments erupted. I didn't like myself because the 'perfect' image of the potential 'I' that I had of myself in my head never even came close to reality. Which made me resent reality, and so I tried to escape it often. Real contentment was just such an alien concept to me during those years of on-and-off (mostly on) drinking.
When I stopped drinking this time, it was quite rough in the beginning mentally. Everything was a fog and I had no real sense of self. But somehow, with the help of the people on SR, I managed let go of any unrealistic expectations and just follow the advice I was given. I took the tough love stuff (it was just a short period in the very beginning, and it's obvious from my opening statement in the first thread - i.e. now I'd respond to myself the same way those good people did last May), and I relied on the encouragement and support, and kept writing that 'I did not drink today' every evening. It was shaky with ups and downs for 3-4 months, but then life started to even out. And the way I feel right now is completely different from how I felt last May, last August etc. The way I personally sense it, my brain has been coming back on line step by step.
For example, it was really nice weather today, so I went outside and later on I just sat on the balcony, with my eyes closed, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face and the almost unnoticeable cool breeze from the forest. Birds were singing and flying about, because I could also hear the sound of their wings. And, y'know, weirdly enough - that's all I needed in that moment. Didn't want things to be different or that I'd be somehow different, or better, or whatever. I simply sat there and the world seemed to be just fine with me sitting there like that.
I did do a page of translation today. I said no to a longer work earlier in the day, because the amount was okay but the topic wasn't particularly suitable taking into account that I must also push forward with the data analysis. Thus far this week, I've at least earned what I usually spend on groceries, which means it's currently fine.
If my headache goes away, I might do some more data analysis before bed.
Good to hear you're keeping up the activity, Bekind
End of Day 359. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

I have always jokingly said the Saoutchik family motto should be "maximum intendit vitae destitutione" - aim low to avoid disappointment
I'm glad you're in a better place - literally and metaphorically kk.

Bekindalways

Oh Wow, saoutchik, that family motto makes me think that I may be some long lost relative of yours. I want to incorporate that motto into a coat of arms!
One nice thing about the pandemic so far is that my decisions have been a no-brainer: keep my dad in his apartment and as isolated as possible.
Restrictions are being lifted now: however, it still seems far from safe out there so I'm figuring we have at least a month more to go in lockdown. The difficult part will come when it gets safer but there is still no vaccine nor guarantee of safety . . . . . I suppose when this gray time period of uncertainly comes, we will deal with it as best possible.
K, thanks for your thoughtful response to my question. You always make me think.
Well I'm off for some aim-low type of goals: pushups, scan a financial letter and measure and pin a ruffle on a petticoat . . . .yeehaw . . .
Yours, avoiding disappointment!

kk1k5x

Sao - is that specific Latin phrase from somewhere or just ...gibberish :P Because it just seems to come to 'big aim life disappointment'. Your little Latin phrase made me recall those legal Latin and ancient Roman law courses from school. Not cool, bro
Hope you get all your stuff done, Bekind
I started today with data analysis and managed to do a bit of that before deciding to go to the store. And just before I was packing up, I got a text from the work guy and some super expedited 2 pages of translation. That hour went by incredibly quickly. Then it was grocery shopping - the fridge is happily restocked now.Later in the day I got another7 pages for translating and was dealing with the work right until now. Managed to get 5 pages done and will have until 3pm tomorrow to finish up the rest. Although I've only been doing small chunks of work this week, it seems that it'll probably still come to a bit more than I've spent this week, so that's something I can be content with for sure.
Hope everyone had a good day
End of Day 360. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

It would be really cool of we were related Bekind!



Well I don't speak Latin kk but I did run it through an online translation so it it probably imprecise. If you did the same thing than that is two chances for it to differ. I did once have one of those fleece jacket things with the words "I'm with stupid" embroidered in Latin followed by a little arrow. A sort of miniature version of the one Kenny's mom always wore in South Park.

kk1k5x

Mhm, I checked them word by word (I knew maximus and vitae beforehand, not the others).Latin is, of course, the language of mottos and tattoos nowadays. If it's parents could see it now ...
I finished my work today early in the morning, sent it in. Then got a quick thanks from the work guy and a message that said "the last page was empty, but that's fine, it was technical gibberish and I did myself". That was quite shocking, I mean ...such an oversight. It seriously left me wondering how or why I didn't scroll to the bottom at the very end. Even weirder is that I actually re-checked the rest of the text
It ended up being 'no biggie', but it still shocked me pretty bad. This type of oversight has not been common for me in recent months. But I can't beat myself up about it too much, I just have to pay as much attention at the end of translations as I do in the beginning and middle parts.
Think I'll probably do some data analysis now, and maybe watch TV later or just call it an early evening.
Since it's Friday, I also got to submit my invoice, which is always a positive. End of Day 361. I did not drink today.

Bekindalways

Ugh K, making mistakes always kind of bugs me. I hope you can get some clue of what happened. Do you continue to see cognitive changes in yourself due to your sobriety?
I'm still doing my mish-mash of sewing, housekeeping an exercise. We went out to the public patio but I can't say I'm a fan of mask wearing. I'm deeply impressed with all those who are working everyday wearing a mask.
Well, I'm off to fix a sewing mistake, do 5 min of yoga, and pin on the next butt ruffle.
Walk in beauty y'all.

kk1k5x

Good luck with your activities, Bekind. Even when things are now opening up a bit, we must still be careful. I agree on the mask part - it's difficult, especially if you start panting.
I do see cognitive changes, usually for the better. I'll put today's thing down as a one-off, but keep it in mind. It was just so incredibly random.In general, I've seen my brain pick up the pace the last few months. One of the aspects relates to willpower (a book once told me that has to do with the prefrontal cortex, i.e. 'the new part', and can be improved with meditation) and being able to stay with things for longer. What I mostly have in mind are the more tedious and repetitive tasks, like data analysis for example - you just have to keep going through the data, make regular notes, make some extracts of more important stuff etc. Every now and again there's something that catches my attention, but for the most part it's just plain old willpower and keeping it going to get it done. Also with translations, I find myself working for longer stretches of time, i.e. thinking about calling it quits for the day/evening, but then keeping at it.Another change is calmness, I've become a lot more calm about stuff. Actually, just yesterday when that expedited translation came in (2 pages in an hour, which is fast compared to my usual grind), I had like a small rush of adrenaline while doing it. Yet everything calmed down right after. Didn't notice it until a bit later, but essentially - I had had a normal physiological reaction to an external irritant, which was then resolved when the irritant was removed. Used to be that every small thing sent the brain and body into overdrive and it'd stay that way for no reason long after. Especially when drinking, ofc, but also in the first months of sobriety when everything seemed out of whack.
The brain is healing, I think. Some research about chronic alcoholics stated that the brain starts to resemble that of a 'normal' person in about 12 months (or slightly more, slightly less) - and I'm around that timestamp currently.
And thanks for asking these questions, Bekind. I like responding to them, because it makes me think about where I'm currently at with things Everytime I seem to find some new tiny observational nugget, which makes me more grateful for my sobriety. It's really helping me a lot, so thanks again for that.

kk1k5x

I just couldn't seem to shake the sleepiness today. I woke up early as usual, but it felt like perhaps a bit too early. Made coffee, and semi-lounged around.I spent a good hour on trying to get a 'profile picture' that my friend took a courple of years ago (I needed it for a conference type thing back then), and use it on one of those sciency networks places. Since there usually aren't any pictures of me lol, it surely explains why I can't do the simplest things with digital images. I got it to function (the issue was about the pictures size, not what was on it :P - that dude is always trouble) and more or less the way I wanted it to appear for the purposes stated, but it was an unnecessarily tasking task.
After that I had a late breakfast that ended up being too heavy. I needed to get rid of some leftovers, but there were more of the pasta than I anticipated. In the pan it went and I was convinced that I'll be sleeping within the next 60 minutes. I wasn't wrong. And I slept until a bit past 2 pm.So, basically... I spent half of my day uploading an image and sleeping because of food.
After that I just had to do data analysis, although it's getting to be a real grind at this point. Not sure if it's more about doing it on consecutive days (usually, there are off days where I need to do other stuff), or just the fact of knowing there's a lot more to go, but it's starting to mentally pester me a bit. I still did what I planned on doing plus some extra, but I am not really looking forward to doing it again tomorrow (which I still will, because it needs to get done).
I took a shower and had dinner, had a small cup of coffee, too, and now I am totally ready to lounge until sleep comes.
Also realised that I'm dealing with a leap year, so there's an extra day in it for me for my first year.
End of Day 362. I did not drink today.

Bekindalways

I'm laughing a bit here K as I was thinking about leap year too with your count of days . . . is it a year at 365 or 366 for you . . . of course the number doesn't really matter; it is the quality of recovery that matters . . . . I'm going to push for you noting the 365 year as well as the 366 leap year number.
I did a bit of struggle with tech myself this morning. I wanted to use WhatsApp to video chat with a former exchange student of my parents. It probably took me an hour to get the app downloaded and in the end she had to call us on the app.
She is Italian and just gave birth. In being admitted to the hospital she was tested for covid and tested positive. She is now completely alone with a newborn. Sigh. It was lovely to see her and her new baby but sounds so very difficult.
K, are you quarantined all by yourself?
I'm off to do a bit of finance and sew on another butt ruffle.
Take care all.

kk1k5x

That's unfortunate about your friend's situation, but as long as everything is okay with the mom and baby, it'll be good.
We were never really quarantined here per se. I am not alone - I live with my mother in the apartment that I grew up in. I personally have had no issues with the restrictions, haven't been an outdoorsy person and I'm constantly busy with writing of one kind or another - that's why joked (however inappropriately) that I self-quarantined myself before it was 'a thing'. At the beginning of the pandemic there were restrictions on going out in groups (and loitering etc), but only care facilities had quarantine for the safety of the elderly. And the islands near our mainland (it's all very small lol) were more strictly regulated. Here, the virus got a kick-start due to an Italian volleyball team coming for a game on one of the islands. That was an incredibly stupid idea from the organisers, knowing full well the situation in Italy.
For the most part, we just had the social distancing which people bought into quickly. There was also the rule that (aside from families) you could only have 2 people together at one spot at a time in public. That had to be enforced a few times according to the news.
However, I did read that Italy will probably open up in July/August (for tourists from Europe), so it is still likely that I won't have to cancel my Venice trip in Sept.

kk1k5x

Second day in a row where I have trouble getting out of bed. I wake up real early, but then get sleepy again soon after. Also, for almost the entire week, I've had a 'boil' or whatever they're called behind my right ear. It's a recurring thing, but I can't recall the last time it happened. The first time it happened, I went to the doctor but that particular doctor was more than useless in providing help. Suggesting I go to emergency surgery if it gets too bad, or wait it out and take anti-inflammatory meds until it calms down. It calmed down, sort of (won't go into gross details).
Now it's on the mend again (I think it's been 4-5 days since I felt it come on). I usually have no idea what triggers it, but I've seen it coincide with upper respiratory infections, e.g. if I feel sneezy, then sometimes that thing flares up as well. It sucks, but at least it's on the way out now.
Still doing the data analysis, and getting slightly sick of it, truth be told.

saoutchik

That must have been unnerving for that exchange student Bekind although if she did not know she had the virus it sounds like she was asymptomatic and will now have immunity which is a plus.

Getting real close to a calender year kk even with the extra day. It could have been worse as some years have a leap second as well (to counteract the Earth's slowing rotation) Sending healing vibes viz-a-viz that boil. I had one there many years ago, not nice. At least mine did not recur.

Bekindalways

K, I wonder if the infection in your boil thingy is making you tired?
I myself have the slows this morning. It was a bit like pulling teeth but I did do 10 min of finances as well as ten min of yoga. The yoga did make me feel a bit better . . . . hmmm . . . maybe I will just take a nap this pm.
Ah well . . . . I'm off to do some sewing before our family irreverent zoom mass.
K, how is your mom doing through all this? Is she in good health?

kk1k5x

Yep, the year is getting close. I've recently thought about the slight adverse effects of counting days or (internally) celebrating milestones, because I noticed at around the 9 month mark how I was getting somewhat anxious. Essentially it was the same deal a day before and a day after that mark, but it previous meaning and that probably amped up the emotion (reminder: my last longest stretch of sobriety was 9 months, so 9 months and 1 days was a 'personal best'). But, I only noticed the adverse effects later on - at the beginning, seeing that day count increase was a definite positive. Just my thoughts.
My 'behind the ear thingy' is unfortunately recurring, although it hasn't been a problem for a very long time. It made me think whether I had a bumped infection someplace else, or I ate something wrong (maybe sweets, there was a crazy chocolate period here for a while). The thing occurred more often when I was drinking and perhaps that's why I can't exactly recall the last time. It has become sensitiv, yes, but not the whole shebang.
Bekind - I thought that myself, perhaps the infection is making me want to sleep and recuperate. My mom's in good health, thank you for asking She works in a small construction supplies store and the store was open throughout the emergency situation.
In the time from my last post, I managed to finish this particular piece of data analysis (there are plenty more pieces just like it lol *sigh*). Went to the store to get some stuff, brought flowers and ice-cream for mom. Also called my grandma first thing in the morning today. I am very grateful to these two women who have helped me and supported me even when I didn't really deserve it.
Hopefully you can shake the tiredness, Bekind (or take a nap - if it doesn't mess up your sleep schedule, I'm a big supporter of naps )
End of Day 363. I did not drink today.

kk1k5x

Started this morning fairly early with a phone call that included a translation offer (on rare occasions, I get very specific offers from another person who is not the work guy), and I completed that within an hour.Then I ordered myself Orwell's 1984. I never was much of a reader in school, and afterwards I was either too drunk or hungover or 'burdened' by a plethor of other things to really read anything other than the essential academic stuff required for uni. Some self-help books here or there etc, but I've never really established a non-academic reading routine. This time, with 1984, I've found an excellent excuse :P because this book comes up multiple times in the research data of one of my projects, so I pounced on the opportunity.
Later in the day, I also got work from the work guy and it was just confirmed. 12 pages over the next 2 days, and I just completed the first page, i.e. a tiny bit less work for tomorrow and Wed.
Other than that, I spent a lot of today just lounging around. Late yesterday evening, I 'took care of' the ear *problem*, and so I was able to finally sleep normally without trying to set the pillow and my hand in a specific way to not put pressure on the swollen spot etc. Good riddance.
Before I got the translation, I made schnitzels which turned out very well this time, the balance was just right. Some boiled potatoes and fresh salad made for a great meal.
Hope everyone did alright today.
End of Day 364. I did not drink today.

Bekindalways

Yesterday marked 1 year and 8 months of not drinking. It is interesting K, that you got anxious around the 9 month mark. Early counting of days AKA putting together sober time, seems helpful. In the long run I don't know how much it matters. I'm not great with numbers so counting years and months works better for me. I'm a bit surprised that I have gone that long without drinking. Unfortunately a glass (or 4) of white wine still sounds lovely to me even though I know I was going to keep getting worse . . . sigh.
Having an okay day myself here although I'm a bit cranky towards my Dad. Like little kids, the old people need a lot of help. I get a bit snappy when I'm interrupted multiple times to do yet more things for him. As I have said before, he is pretty darn easy but there is an unchangeable reality that we both deal with with his aged brain and body.
So I'm headed into the rough part of the day feeling relatively okay. I was going to do a big adventure of going to my brother's to plant seedlings but it is pretty cold today so I will put it off.
So off to sew on a ruffle, do 15 more push ups and put clean sheets on my bed.
K, glad you managed to do some self-surgery on your boil. Also good to hear you got some more translations work. My own career has been pretty downwardly mobile so I envy you a bit but I know what you are doing must be challenging and I sure wouldn't want to translate American lawyer-speak - ugh.

May you all be perking along with whatever is happening.

Dee74

Let me be the first to congratulate you on your year kk1k

well done on your milestone too BeKind
D

Bekindalways

K, I hope you are working through today with a sense of accomplishment in spite of the fact that the number 365 is a bit random other than representing one trip of the planet around the sun. However it is a nice time to reflect on what has happened good and bad over the last year? . . . . I always have to turn questions on myself so now I'm thinking about these things too.
Well I'm off to ask the Lifestyle team if they have some Patrick Obrien books they could lend to my Dad. The Lifestyle team are the folks who usually organize activities for the old people. With the pandemic they have had to resort to leaving crossword puzzles and rasinettes at the door.
Keep sober and carry on all.

kk1k5x

Thanks Dee and thanks Bekind
I will safely store the good wishes for tomorrow night, and then relive them as I reach the one (calendar) year mark
It's amusing that my today ran the casual and productive (rather than a reflective and spurred on by a sense of accomplishment) course - I woke up, made myself a cup of coffee and started translating. Unfortunately, I had a headache for the better part of today :/ so I took a nap and finished today's portion now in the evening. Managed to get a bit more than 7 pages done, which I'm content with. I'll be able to finish this translation by afternoon tomorrow ...and then move on to the next ones. I got two more translations today which I'm really grateful. I do still have to figure out how exactly I'm going to get the coursework submitted by Sunday evening, but I'll find a way. Hey, maybe that's where the sense of accomplishment can butt in and help me out a bit haha. The so-called 'extra spark' that everyone needs now and again to get something done.
Aside from the quiet amusement, and the otherwise casual day, I did stop for just a minute and asked myself 'So, what is different from a year ago? How'd you summarise it briefly?'. To make this a bit longer, I have to premise it by recalling my opening statements from the first thread, when I came looking for inspirational stories from others who have managed to acheive what seemed largely impossible to me (at least for any longer and sustained period of time). At the time, 'a year' seemed absolutely bonkers - there was no difference between 'forever and ever' and 'a year'. And I see that quite a lot with /brand new) newcomers now, especially when someone writes "I cannot wait to reach 6 months/ 9 months / a year". To me personally, this just goes to show that to some extent, sobriety is often measured in the amount of time spent being sober. I had that exact idea about sobriety when starting out (this time and all the other times I tried), but it was fairly quickly proven to not be the best approach. Yes, there's certainly an effect from the number of days simply due to the way our brains process our lives and the concept of time (specifically, its 'forward' movement, which leaves the opportunity of considering some things as 'left behind in the past'). Nevertheless, it only works if you work it and that means it's not so much the number of days you put in, but what you put in those days.
Life just happens, and our best hope seems to be to guide our own participation in it as best we can. Which brings me to that 'brief summary' with respect to what I think is different from a year ago.
I feel like I have managed to get a slightly better hold of myself once more, i.e. I have slightly better control over my actions, decisions and the way I process my emotions on a daily basis. What got me thinking about it today was the work guy offering me two extra translations in a row. I got to thinking how grateful I am to even have this work, and thus the opportunity to earn money at a time when the news is filled with ever increasing numbers of unemployed persons. Yes, my initial reactions (at times) can be to snap at it, 'oh man ...how am I going to ...', but this is fairly quickly replaced by 'alright, let's do this' or 'be thankful that you got it'. When I was drinking, I was particularly allergic to all kinds of obligations - I was almost never able to muster up the faculties to follow through with tasks and thus mostly quit without even giving things a try. That's different now.
I think I sometimes get lost in the subjective/relative nature of things and events (I'm sure everyone does that), which makes them seem burdensome and hence creates the initial and brief snapping before calming down and going through with it. What I mean by that is, my life still seems quite stressful at times, and then my lazy brain wants to carry out comparisons like "well, you were stressed when you drank and you're stressed now, so what's the big difference?" - but that's where making the relativity mistake is so incredibly dangerous. When I was drinking, I was stressed out because I had left something unfinished (or didn't even start it), told someone off for no reason, was out of money again (which I wasn't necessarily even earning - it was either a stipend or 'walking around money' in the early 20s), had conjured up the worst mess possible (AGAIN) etc. Now I'm 'stressed out' because I have work that provides an income, but alongside that work I've also chosen to do research and engage in that community, actively working towards earning a PhD.
Two totally different states of being, but were I to listen to the lazy brain, it'd seem as if nothing much has really changed on the stress front. I think that's a way of viewing things, which might also be useful to newcomers other than myself - throughout this (almost-a-)year, I've made it a point to acknowledge and recognise the small things, both the good and the bad, and I think that has helped me move forward in general. So, I think I'll just keep on doing that
Big thanks to everyone who has contributed to my threads and my sober journey. You've all made a big difference in my life
End of Day 365. I did not drink today.