Class of January 2020 PART6
 

last part here

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7415929

D

Too early for me to wax lyrical Suze :)

I hated myself for a long time. I felt I wasn't good enough, I felt I was a fraud when good things happened or I got some praise.

I set myself impossible standards and then beat myself up mercilessly when I failed to reach those standards.

But once I stopped polluting my mind with alcohol and drugs, and I tried my best to live a good life and do good things, I discovered that each day I lived like that helped me see I wasn't nearly as bad as I thought I was - in fact, in time, I kinda liked myself, and I began to forgive myself for the things I felt badly about.

That kind of change isn't instant - I had 40 years of self hatred to deal with, and trauma going back to childhood - and the kind of dark self view alcohol gave me of myself and the world took a while to lift even after I got sober.

But it did :)

Hang in there Buttermarsh - we're there with you :)

Well, it might be early, but that post was beautiful. :) ❤️

"One thing I realized today that I still cannot do is see the good in myself. I can easily state things that I've done/I'm doing wrong but i can't (or don't allow myself to) see the good stuff. Maybe it's a self confidence thing, which I'm currently working on, or it could be difficulty in forgiving myself for my wrongs....?"

I have had trouble with this as well. At least the feeling is not nearly as chronic as it was the last few years that I was drinking.

Thank you, Suze...

'... every day honouring ourselves.'


This is what I have started doing. I find that I give myself a lot more respect and honour. I am also much more confident now and more secure. I was so timid and wobbly in every aspect of my life previously. I do like that word, 'honouring'...

'And I know that I was told over and over that people here would love me until I could love myself again. And that happened.'

Another strong truth right there. Honestly, I can never get from anywhere else what I get from SR. The love, care and understanding is a healing balm. I tried for a long time to find it in my siblings, husband and even friends, in vain. Thankfully, I've finally released and relieved my loved ones of that burden. They'll never be able to be that for me and neither do they have to. I'm good now. I have you guys.

'And my personal remedy for that is to do loving things for yourself, as if you were your own best friend. It feels good. You feel loved. And then.....guess what? You start to love yourself again.'

Again, so true... I used to hate hearing this 'love yourself' message. But I've started actually doing it and the change inside me is amazing. I'm calm, I'm steadfast, I'm reliable....

I am not an active AA-er but I can now understand when they talk about a spiritual awakening. Because I believe that is what happened/is happening to me.

BM.....just thank you. I am so so so glad my post resonated with you....it was very important to me. :hug: s xx ❤️

I am overjoyed to hear where you are.....and so grateful we get to share this stuff and help each other.
I am like you....there is no one ever in my life who gets me or understands me like my fellow SRs.....maybe that's why I married an SR. He he. :) :hug: s xx

Off to bed soon....love and goodnight. :hug: s xx

Thank you, Dee...

'... I wasn't nearly as bad as I thought I was...'

I get this. However, I am also seeing with fresh, sober eyes how 'wrong' and lost I was basically my entire adult life to this point. Sometimes I'm shocked at some memories... Thankfully, I don't beat myself up too badly anymore because I also recognise myself as a different person now. Not in a deluded kind of way though... It's more that I see the evolution; I see the pain, I sort of see why my life played out the way it did and I see the level of brokenness I have had to live with. I also see the hardwork I've put in to get to where I am. What I haven't figured out is what caused such deep brokenness in me (where did it start?) and I don't know if I'll ever know (I've searched my childhood and I can't remember anything exceptionally negative happening). Anyway, I don't think it matters because I'm on my way to healing. Honestly, I feel like a totally new person.

'That kind of change isn't instant - I had 40 years of self hatred to deal with, and trauma going back to childhood - and the kind of dark self view alcohol gave me of myself and the world took a while to lift even after I got sober.'

Yeah, I keep having to remind myself of this... I still have a lot of darkness to fight, and decipher, and reframe... It's a daily battle and it'll probably go on forever... Referencing AA again, I now get why they say that the steps are re-worked throughout one's life. I see how essential that would be for sustained healing.

Well, my posts may come off as rambling, I suppose. That's because I'm figuring things out as I write and it's all so new. It's just really important that I talk about this in real time.

Thank you. You've both given me a lot to think about.

Good night, Suze.

You guys really make a difference in our lives. Your support is invaluable.

Lots of love.

Wow!
Beautiful posts Suze & Dee, really. You guys are so amazing and awesome ❤️❤️❤️ You both inspire me to be a better version of myself :hug:

90 days for jr, Bacchus and Abraxus :)
Awesome stuff :)
I’m on a full calendar month again, yippee :)

I totally agree! Suze and Dee, you make a HUGE difference! You share so much love and insight, SR is lucky to have you here. Thank you. :tyou

Congrats to those who have made it to the 90 days mark, and yippee to you, Willow, for a full month! :You_Rock_

I had a wonderful day with my girlfriend yesterday, quarantine and isolation is not difficult when you share it with an amazing person.

Good morning all.

It's great to hear that you had a good day lixie and hope that you continue to check in with us.

As usual, lots of good stuff from our little group. I've never experienced the kind of support that I've seen here on SR. People from around the world who come here to give and receive support, who know what each other are going through, and are not clouded by ego or some other agenda.

Hi

I agree with all of you. Within the SR community is where it feels I am the most honest. People are kind and have empathy for one other.

Sometimes we may know the deepest troubles someone is working through yet have no idea what they look like. Sometimes, even what gender they are, because it doesn't matter. I think that is part of the reason SR is so wonderful.


I am way off being able to say I love myself, but on the right roads. I might get a "like", which is a long way from how I started the year :) Working through the challenges.

Thanks for being so open BM and Cityboy, it helps all of us. We will push through this.

Have a healthy, happy and sober day all

dlb

Such lovely things from all of you.....thank you. It is a blessing to be able to help and to share, always. :hug: s

And BM....your posts are not rambles at all. They are wonderful. :) :hug: s

:grouphug:

Hi classmates!

I had a lovely day today. I was a little fatigued, though, from going to bed too late last night, but I still managed to squeeze in two long walks with my kids.

I think I'll turn in early tonight.

I'll be thinking of you all as I go to bed.

Oh, how is your cold, dlb? I hope much better?

Hugs, all...

Goodnight love. :)
Sweet dreams. :hug: s xx ❤️

Goodnight Buttermarsh :)
Good morning from Oz :)

Kisses honey. :hug: xx ❤️

Hi Suze :hug: xxx

:wave: :) ❤️

Good morning (to me, lol)... I think I'm the only one at 10am right now... Maybe Lixie too? The rest of our group is either still sleeping (the US) or in the afternoon (Aus). Hmmm....

Anyway, I slept well. I did have a couple of tiny things happen this morning to get me off my happy centre, but I quickly got past them. I do love my zen.

So, this is a quick check in. I hope you all have a lovely Friday. I'll be here throughout the day.

Hugs...