Mikoss' Thread
 

from:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...elapse-20.html

D

Get to rehab. You don’t have the tools or will to “bite the bullet” mikoss.

That much is clear.

What isn’t clear is if you are willing to actually do something about your addiction besides talk about it.

I feel very sorry you won’t listen.
There is a pandemic and you have a pregnant partner who should not be under the stress you are causing with your inability to take responsibility for yourself.

It’s painful to see how selfish addiction is. I was so selfish in my addiction too, so I get it. It isn’t pretty.

Thanks Steely, I will check out the video.

I did have an online AA meeting a while ago. We do the online meetings with Zoom. It is video conferencing basically so we can still have our AA meetings and communicate with everybody.

You enjoy the interaction with people at the AA meetings dont you? Is it difficult for people in your group during this virus pandemic?

I saw this discussion on the news with a psychologist who was saying right now a lot of people are feeling anxious, but some are to extreme levels. She was saying it's important to be able to have your feelings heard, moreso than having people simply say calm down, it's going to be ok, or something supportive but also a bit dismissive of the deeper feelings of the one in distress.

I'm not that anxious over this virus. Im worried about my older relatives and Im following all the guidelines. As my wife says, Gods got this. Mostly I'm happy to be home, have time off work, although I'm still doing work from home on certain things. Mostly I'm concerned how our economy will bounce back. I know I'm going to have a ton of work later so will enjoy now. Mixed in these thoughts are all the things I love and what motivates me to do my part to be healthy.

The news show also made me think about all the thoughts going through my brain when I was still using,,but knew I needed to stop. Wanted to stop, but felt there were reasons I couldnt at that moment. Most of it had to do with the inevitable depression, fatigue, and brain fog while working. So this pandemic has given me much needed time. But during that contemplation phase, I didnt talk to anyone about my feelings just felt trapped by them, and went in circles mentally.

BUT BACK TO YOU.

Why do you want to stop drinking and using drugs? What is your motivation? Health, fear, work, relationship, conscious?

Is it all drugs or just some? You've mentioned so many from alcohol, coke, crack?, heroin, pills. RX medication from psychiatrists you no longer see,

If you want to stop, why are you afraid ? Is it the anxiety, pain, your friends?

why are you afraid to see a doctor? An addiction med doctor? Attend an outpatient program? All positive steps with people who can help you build a plan just for you and your specific needs? All options where you can still feed your squirrel everyday and paint.

Yes Lines, the AA meetings I find to be very good. I like how we are able to still have out AA meetings online via Zoom. The Zoom platform is fantastic. We can still have our AA meetings and see each other and talk and you can also put it on mute so others cannot hear any background noise. I love how we are able to resume our meetings online and am very grateful for Zoom.

We had 3 meetings today. I will admit that the first meeting today I was drinking during the meeting and doing cocaine but not on camera. I know that sounds terrible but I was in a very bad place. But I kept the vodka bottle and the cocaine off camera so it did not look bad in front of people. And I was just sitting there with my guitar in my hand strumming it and smoking cigarettes one after another and I rarely smoke cigarettes but I was smoking like a chimney. So there I was during my AA meeting drinking vodka, doing lines of coke, smoking cigarettes one after another, and strumming my guitar just to keep me sane. And I am thinking to myself man I am really messed up and such a drunk and addict that I can't even go through a meeting without drinking and drugging.

So anyways that was earlier in the day. My last meeting went well and I didn't drink or do any drugs during the meeting. Only smoking cigarettes. I never really was much of a smoker but I am starting to enjoy cigarettes since I am not drinking right now.

So far I am 6 hours with a drink or any drugs and doing well.

My friend here she is just cooking, doing laundry, cleaning, and it is just tiring watching her all over the place and I am just trying to relax and just decompress.

But yes a lot of people during my last AA meeting online are very stressed and worried right now. Mostly about the economy, stock market, financial stability, losing their source of income, things like this. But I am very thankful that we can have our AA meetings with Zoom and communicate with each other. Even some people during the meeting say that just being able to have our online AA meetings has relieved a lot of stress during these times.

Anyways, here is a little something from ZZ Top you may enjoy Steely:

https://youtu.be/dliThX0EiCI

Got to admit they're pretty good mikoss. I've always loved slide guitar.

I have a very soft spot for David Bowie.....my link to you, CHANGES.

Liked him at anyrate, but there are additional, more personal reasons.

My younger brother has chronic schizophrenia and believed for a long time he WAS David Bowie. Delusional, but touching.

After David died my brother believed my sister and I (his guardians) had ripped him off of the "Bowie Estate." Too good. My brother is a master of delusion. I'm skilled in its understanding. :)

I doubt you were the only one hiding things off camera.
Why did you start smoking ? May not cause erratic behavior but it's a nasty addiction. I've never had a cigarette in my life.

Good work on part 1 of my questions. Spend some time thinking about the other ones.

Your friend appears to be unusual. I'm certain my wife would leave if I stayed home and got drunk, did drugs, and especially doing all that and almost running her over with a car. Ok, she would also leave if I was a smoker. Ok, I doubt she would simply leave. She would rally all of my family and I would be in treatment. When I told her I had been using cocaine. (Wow it was 2 weeks ago today I told her I had just stopped and needed her help). She immediately said why didnt you call your doctor. You need to call today. And I did. I was going to anyway, but the point is, she knew what to do to help me.
your friend, I dont think she's doing you any favors.

I heard Kenny Roger's died today. Didnt follow his music, but saw Dolly Parton speak about him today.

Yes, Lines, I saw of his death. Eighty one years. RIP Kenny, you did good. :). I wasn't much into his music either, but he made a huge contribution to the lives of those who did.

I really like Dolly though. What a gal.

I like her too. She seems like a good person who's sincere, and talented of course. Maybe it's me, but she never appears to age? Doesn't look much different from when I saw her as a kid.

Yes Lines, she does seem sincere. I think her childhood was dirt poor and she can still empathise. Hasn't lost her roots.

People used to knock her for her breast augmentation and stuff. Seen as a dumb blond, but was anything but. Very talented woman, who took no shite.

Oh man I have always loved Dolly Parton. She is a beautiful person with a good heart and has a funny personality to her as well. Just an angel. She does a lot of humanitarian and charity work and grew up very poor from Appalachia from a family of 12. But she worked very hard and paid her dues and didn't take crap from anyone. She is a very strong and smart businesswoman. She didn't get to where she is at without brains as well as talent. She was a dirt poor country girl from Appalachia that became one of the biggest country music icons in history.

She is a perfect example of if you never forget where you came from and stay true to your roots and work hard and do good things for other people good things will come to you.

I did not know that Kenny Rogers passed away. So sad.

I always liked The Gambler by Kenny Rogers. That song says so much about choices, recovery, and just life itself with so many meaning behind that song which is why I love that song so much.

RIP Kenny, this one is for you:

https://youtu.be/7hx4gdlfamo

Hey, Mikoss. A Straight :) Flush is an unbeatable hand. Can't lose.

A straight flush. Why am I picturing you trying to flush and needing a plunger Mikoss?

Hah hah, I will actually say Lines I have a funny story about needing a plunger the other day. It was so stupid what I did but I do a lot of stupid things. I went to the toilet and I guess I had coins in my back pocket in my jeans. Anyways, a penny went into the toilet and I was so obsessed with getting this penny I went crazy after it. I was getting a coat hanger and trying to get it out with this coat hanger and was not successful and it went down the toilet. But I was so focused and trying to get it that I went crazy. I could have cared less about the penny but it was the challenge that was the issue. And the fact that I failed made me off the wall. I was cussing and yelling over this penny and my friend she came over to me and was like what the heck is wrong with you with your yelling and cussing.

I walked out of the bathroom and immediately went into my studio and grabbed a guitar and turned on the amplifiers an just plugged in and started drinking and doing cocaine and just playing and doing my thing. Just crazy stuff I do like that.

Thankfully I am doing okay now.

I was thinking about when you finally flush all your stash. Its likely to overflow.
My first thought on the penny was using a magnet.

Have you been deep in thought on my questions from yesterday, or are you avoiding them ?
Did you do your online AA meetings today? Online church service? Online poker?,

You should have used rubber gloves Mikoss. :abcj: hahaha