mikoss

Yes Lines, that is how the chat is usually. You will see the list of usernames of people in the chatroom but yes those are the actual usernames of people here it may just be that you may not recognize all of the usernames.

You have to initiate the chat if you don't see a converstaion going on like, "Hey wut's up guys?" or just say, "Hi" and sometimes people will join the chat and you can chat with other people. Or sometimes the chat is busy with several people and you can join in. It gets busy sometimes and other times it is slow with nobody having any conversations. It varies.

What I ended up doing was just using a different browser and the pages were able to load correctly here and I was able to get back into the chatroom. I think something happened to the browser I was using and got messed up for some reason and the pages were not loading correctly.

And then my internet connection was really terrible yesterday most of the day and I missed parts of my AA meetings which made me upset and stressed.

And then some of my guitar amplifiers were not working correctly with some of the effects going through them and I had to switch to a different set of amps and was not getting the sound and tone that I wanted and it seemed like nothing was going right yesterday. Just a bad day.

And then I was low on cigarettes and I eventaully had the carton of cigarettes delivered.

But I got to feed my squirrels so that made me happy and more peaceful.

August252015

That.

Technical issues
Internet
Guy in the store
Girlfriend
Guitars
"and then...."

You keep talking about everyone but yourself. And that's what you have to address if you want a life.

If you don't, keep going - it's not the path any of us will tell you we'd pick, or one that will bring you the things we have found in a real, sober life.

mikoss

Yes August, I think that is what my problem is . I worry too much about things that are out of my control and I guess it is part of my OCD but I tend to beat myself up a lot about things. Sometimes even little things and things that are out of my control.

So I need to start focusing on myself and getting myself better.

I need to get ready for an online AA meeting that starts in about 20 minutes and will be back.

mikoss

Ok I am back. It was a good AA meeting.

But yes August, I find that I just have so many triggers and I need to work on that. I find myself in situations like yesterday, "Oh my internet connection is bad. I need a drink" or "My guitar amp is not sounding perfect. I need a drink" or "I am low on cigarettes and my carton of cigarettes were supposed to be here an hour ago. I need a drink."

Just so many triggers and I find myself worrying about too many things and I get stressed out and the first thing I do is take a drink and do a line of coke and everything just seems instantly better. And it turns into more drinking and more coke and just goes downhill from there. And I need to stop doing that and find other ways to deal with stress.

So I do need to focus on myself instead of worrying about too many things. Maybe I have an anger management problem. I never get angry at people just myself. I beat myself up a lot about things. I am my own worst enemy.

And in these times I guess people are more on edge too.

For instance, this lady in the AA meeting that I attended just a while ago said that she got into an argument with her husband and there was yelling and screaming involved. It was all over a tuna casserole. She was going to make a tuna casserole for dinner. Her husband told her that her tuna casserole tastes terrible and he didn't like it and told her not to make the tuna casserole. She said she didn't care what he liked and she was going to make it anyways. And he got mad and she got upset and they ended up yelling and screaming at each other over a tuna casserole. She was so upset she said she felt like drinking again becasue she couldn't just leave the house and is stuck with her husband in the same house and she said her husband is just very ungrateful. She said that she has to feed the cats, feed the dogs, feed the kids, make him dinner, and just hold the house together and he does not appreciate her and she feels very angry at him.

People are just on edge right now and any little thing can trigger a lot of anger and frustration.

But anyways, during my AA meeting today we talked about being in the moment and not worry so much about the future as hard as that seems. Just trying to focus on the now and not worry so much about 3 weeks from now or 5 weeks from now becasue it makes people stressed too much.

Another lady in my AA meeting today said that she has 2 daughters that are 3 years apart and they would fight like cats and dogs. She said all her daughters would do is fight with each other all of the time. And now being in the same house together they are getting along with each other and not fighting anymore because they realized all they have is each other as sisters and that they need to get along. So sometimes some good can come out of all of this staying at home and shelter in place taking place.

August252015

You have to stop drinking and using before you can deal with anything. That's part of what I meant by focusing on you. The substance simply has to be removed to have a prayer at dealing with any of our issues. You're making excuses - you don't "keep finding" yourselves in these situations. You are choosing most of them. You are also choosing how to deal with crap that happens in life, like no internet.

Again, up to you but ya gotta start by getting sober. And 2 days or 10 days or even some months is not enough for those of us at a dire point like you are and I was to get well.

mikoss

I just finished an AA meeting online.

I just don't know what to do August. I just cannot stop drinking.

A friend of mine brought me over bottles of wine telling me that I should drink wine instead of vodka and whiskey since it has less alcohol content but this is not working since I am just drinking more and more wine. I literally finished a bottle of wine in the hour during my AA meeting.

Thankfully I stopped doing cocaine although I sit here looking at it wanting to do it but I say no. I just take it out and break it down on a mirror with a razor blade the way I like it and make lines just to do the whole process of it. But I only taste a little bit on my tongue but I will not do the lines. And I put it away and do not do any of it. Although it is so tempting.

But right now I am only drinking wine but I need to stop this. After today I am going to come up with a plan and stop drinking. I mean the wine is very good quality and tastes good but this is not really any plan at all because I am just drinking more wine than vodka or whiskey. And wine still has alcohol so I don't see how this is going to help me stop drinking.

The topic in tonight's meeting was prayer and how important prayer is. But I don't know how to pray. What do I pray? I need to get the big book out and start reading it or something.

And after today no more drinking.

Dee74

Hi Mikoss

you know how August said things are not happening to you, you're choosing to let them happen?

That's what it is with your friends bringing you wine.

If any of my friends told me they were bringing over wine for me, no matter how old a friend they were, I'd say no, tell them off if they persisted, and keep my door locked.

I'm not sure what else to say to you Mikos because based on your posts you don't seem to have any real fire in you to quit, and you need that.

We all said to ourselves that we'd never let our drinking or drugging get to a
bad point....'it'll never happen to me'..and then it did.

I hope you find the fire within soon man - before it's too late.

D

Lines

Thanks. Good to know I was on the chat site and I guess it was only no one was talking. I figured it would be busy all the time. I've never used an online chat or forum so what do I know.

Did you stock up on food for your squirrel friend?

Maybe you can answer this question for me. Why the cigarettes? Why are so many people in your AA meetings smoking? How can they stop drinking of they can't stop smoking? You went and have picked up a new addiction. Those will kill you too Mikoss. Maybe you wont run someone over with your car which is better for society. Although second hand smoke kills too. But really, stop smoking. What are you going to add next? Deep fried twinkies?

mikoss

Yes, I did feed my squirrels a few times today. I gave them a lot of peanuts in the shell. I had 3 squirrels come by today. Same ones that come by every day.

I put plenty of peanuts out and I feed one squirrel by hand. But when I feed her by hand and she sees another squirrel she chases and runs them off even though there are plenty of peanuts for all of them.

I feed them peanuts, almonds, pecans, sunflower seeds, walnuts, and pistachios. They love all of it.

But the squirrel I feed by hand she loves peanuts and pistachios. And she likes pretzels and the pretzels with peanut butter inside of them.

She will even pretend to hide the peanuts if other squirrels are around. I notice she does this. She will dig a hole but will not hide the peanut in the hole and cover the hole. Like she is trying to trick any potential squirrel thieves that are watching her into thinking that is where she hid the peanut but in fact she didn't hide it there.

Squirrels are very clever little animals. They are very funny and interesting to watch.

mikoss

The cigarettes I find it to be a habit I picked up I guess.

People in my AA meeting seem to smoke a lot so I figured I would try casual smoking during the day.

I guess smoking cigarettes give them something to do to not think about drinking I guess. For me cigarettes I only smoked when I did a lot of coke. I would drink and then do coke and just crave cigarettes so bad and then be done with the cigarettes. But now I find that I am smoking regularly a pack or more a day.

I don't know if cigarettes are bad for you but I imagine they are. Nothing good can come from smoking cigarettes.

My girlfriend hates it. She says they stink up the house and they smell terrible and that is is a nasty and bad habit. So I only smoke in my studio where I can play guitar and drink and smoke and do whatever I want.

But I need to stop all of it. Drinking,coke, smoking, all of it. They are all just bad habits.

2ndhandrose

mikoss, you have said this exact statement and multiple similar statements repeatedly in your thread.

Nothing has changed since you started posting. You keep saying "no more" and then there is lots more. Of everything. Repeatedly.

Please get rid of all of your booze, all of your drugs and definitely your so called 'friends'.

Delilah1

I am four years and three months sober, but I can tell you from my own experience wine causes just as many alcoholics as any other alcohol.

Lines

I've been spending a lot of time outside on our property. We have a lot of animals and birds around. The birds and squirrels can be heard chirping and chattering away. Some of the squirrels chase each other around the tree. Think they are younger ones. Its relaxing. We have some kind of bids that are now singing all night. I was thinking about putting up some nature cameras. It's crazy I work so much and then with vacation we usually go away someplace, and now I'm enjoying being home. What's the point in working if you cant enjoy what you work for?

dont smoke around your squirrels. You might give them cancer, lung disease, heart disease, the other squirrels might smell the smoke on their fur and cast them out of the trees.

August252015

Why are you bothering with AA meetings, drunk? That's a question to really ponder. Are you joining them to be "going thru the motions" and telling yourself you are "preparing to quit"? Does any tiny little part of you really want to quit so that's why you are making that, truly, TINY effort now? Only you can decide to face questions like this.

mikoss

Well I just got done with two AA meetings so far this morning and about to join a 3rd meeting in about 10 minutes.

I will admit I drank wine during the meetings but I am just trying to stay in contact with people in my AA meetings to help me get sober.

We honestly do have the best AA meetings in the entire country. Not to brag but people do say that from all of the AA meetings they attend all over the country and even the world, my group does have the best AA meetings anywhere in the entire country. We have a wonderful group of people. These meetings are the best.

kk1k5x

What's the point of having an AA meeting on and drinking at the same time, all the time? What's the difference between that and ....drinking and watching TV etc?

How exactly is drinking whilst listening to AA meetings 'helping you get sober'? What actions are you taking to get sober? (Aside from listening to AA meetings and drinking)

You do realise how little sense all of this makes?

August252015

I just read a line in the BB that applies here: "willingness and action" are what it takes. 100% way to express the bottom line for each one of us, whatever program or path.

No one in AA can help you get sober if you don't stop drinking first. It just won't work.

You don't seem to have either right now.

Lines

I think in one post you said AA is for people who want it (their program I'm assuming) and not for people who need it. I'm confused on what the purpose of AA is. Isnt it supposed to provide support for people who want to stop, even if they haven't yet stopped? Isnt it supposed to help people find motivation and desire to stop? Along with giving someone a group of people to spend time with who basically discourage drinking and seek out alternative activities together?

August252015

The sole purpose - or, "primary purpose"- of AA is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. Yes, anyone can come and certainly anyone can have at least some "desire to quit drinking," which is the only requirement for AA membership. It's not about alternate activities or merely discouraging drinking; rather, the former is something that folks do and suggest to others in living sober, especially at first, just like everyone here who works any program or plan tells newcomers. The latter - no, AA is about being sober. Totally. Everyone is always welcome (back, for many) but it's not a cut down kinda thing.

AA is a program of suggestions. It is here, this is what we did and found it worked to make a life sober. The 12 steps are the guide, along with the 12 Traditions, and they are in order for good reason - the first being that we are powerless over alcohol (translation- we lose the power of choice after the first drink), and our lives have become unmanageable. I particularly like that part b, "unmanageable," as it can mean a whole lot of stuff, boiled down to not having the kind of life you could, bc of your drinking as a starting point. Accepting that initial premise is something those people who want to get sober, not necessarily those who need to (or should, if you will) do so. Then, proceed with the steps and the fellowship, all outlined and stories shared about individual experiences are the parts of "put all of it "into action."

So each of us has to have the willingness, then take the action, to get ourselves sober (literally) then practically, spiritually, emotionally, so on. For those of us who find that AA works, there's not one type of alcoholism and there's also not one way to apply these practices in life, which is why "take what you want and leave the rest" is something that the Big Book talks about - no one is perfect, and with these suggested steps and the very real examples of people starting with the founders Bill and Dr Bob, many of us find a way to live sober and well.

Sure, lots of people keep drinking and "do AA." Most of the time that means they attend meetings. That's not the same as working the program of AA, and there's where most of us who get and STAY sober need to find the courage or desperation ie willingness to stop drinking and be open to act on what everyone's talking about that has worked for them.

Steely

You look in the mirror too much Mikoss.