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Old 02-14-2020, 07:18 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Oh gosh love, that is not easy at all. I am so sorry your mum was never a mum to you.....and I wish you could just say no, I don't want you to come over with valentines chocolates and such. s xxxxx ❤️
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Old 02-14-2020, 07:24 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Dang daisy thats rough. 😥
Sorry you have to deal with this.
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Old 02-14-2020, 07:36 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Thank you, Suze and fk. Most people donít understand it. They say, ďbe happy you have your mom.Ē She knew Iíd tell her not to come over today. Thatís why she texted my husband. Plus, itís not like I can walk away from her because Iím on these dang crutches. Iím taking deep breaths now.
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Old 02-14-2020, 07:42 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by DaisyBelle7 View Post
Good morning everyone! I did most of my drinking away from home, but there were the occasional parties with way too many booze bottles at the end of the night. Like you all mentioned, itís so nice not to have that hanging over our heads anymore.

I have found that Iím eating like crazy. I think Iím depressed from my broken foot, daughterís eating disorder, my surgery, etc. Iím definitely exchanging one addiction for another, which I know isnít helpful. I need to work on that.

My mom (major anxiety producer) is coming over, uninvited, today. I hate seeing her. Iíve asked her very firmly two times not to offer my daughter food nor talk about her eating disorder. Both times she offered her food (behind my back). This morning she texted my husband asking if she could come over because she got us Valentineís Day gifts. I hate Valentineís Day and she knows this. I think itís a stupid Hallmark holiday. Wanna bet she brings over candy to my anorexic and bulimic daughter? My anxiety is through the roof. Thank God Iím talking with my sponsor before my mom comes over. Iím talking with her about Step 4 so that will be very helpful.

I donít mean to sound ungrateful because I know there are those who have lost their moms. My mom is incredibly unhealthy for me. Sheís narcissistic, critical, controlling, disrespectful and manipulative. I never had a mom. From a very young age, I took over the role of mom... sheíd ask me for advice on men she was dating, job offers she got, medical decisions. She continues to do this and now I tell her, ďI donít know. Thatís your decision to make.Ē Sorry to get on a tangent. She just really triggers me and I know I need to go no contact. Just a stressful morning.
Hi DaisyBelle- my thoughts are with you. You have a full plate, and look at how strong you are. I'm glad you are posting here and talking to your sponsor today. I wish there was more that I could say or do, but I think you are pretty amazing for dealing with everything you are and making your sobriety/self-care a priority.

I'm entering Day 45, and the next couple of days are going to be hard. I'm just putting it out there. Today, my favorite great aunt is turning 100, so that's super exciting. We are having a big party for her tomorrow, but my mom who has health issues of her own is doing most of it, so I am helping her. So I spend half the party worrying about my mom, and the other half being stressed by the extended family.

I get annoyed that nobody else helps even though my mom has several ongoing health issues, and my dad will be crabby about the whole ordeal even though it's his aunt. (My dad is a narcissist). And today is always a tough day, as my two engagements were called off on Valentines Day several years ago. I never thought I would be single and in my 40s but here I am. And the extended family tomorrow.....I just love (sarcasm) the questions about why I am still single, etc.

So yes, I am posting here to put it out there. Life is sort of hard right now, and I want to be strong. So here I go, taking it minute by minute, hour by hour and one day at a time.
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Old 02-14-2020, 08:01 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Thank you for sharing that daisybelle7. I think that each time one of us shares our innermost worries it help us all to cope without turning back to alcohol.

My MIL fits many of your descriptions, mostly just with me I think. For 27 years I've kept a bottle of crown in my travel bag while visiting to ease the tension. I dread Christmas and spend most of it smashed/hungover. Not sure how it's going to work out moving forward, but I'm through with the bottle of crown thing.

And fishkiller, say hello to Reggie Fountain for me if you see him at the boat show. Just kidding. But I did have a wealthy customer who knew him. I'm pretty sure his Fountain cost more than my house.
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Old 02-14-2020, 08:17 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Sorry you're having a tough couple of days sobermafia. The elderly care thing is tough. I usually end up snapping at my dad and then feeling like a jerk.
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Old 02-14-2020, 08:35 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by sobermafia View Post
Hi DaisyBelle- my thoughts are with you. You have a full plate, and look at how strong you are. I'm glad you are posting here and talking to your sponsor today. I wish there was more that I could say or do, but I think you are pretty amazing for dealing with everything you are and making your sobriety/self-care a priority.

I'm entering Day 45, and the next couple of days are going to be hard. I'm just putting it out there. Today, my favorite great aunt is turning 100, so that's super exciting. We are having a big party for her tomorrow, but my mom who has health issues of her own is doing most of it, so I am helping her. So I spend half the party worrying about my mom, and the other half being stressed by the extended family.

I get annoyed that nobody else helps even though my mom has several ongoing health issues, and my dad will be crabby about the whole ordeal even though it's his aunt. (My dad is a narcissist). And today is always a tough day, as my two engagements were called off on Valentines Day several years ago. I never thought I would be single and in my 40s but here I am. And the extended family tomorrow.....I just love (sarcasm) the questions about why I am still single, etc.

So yes, I am posting here to put it out there. Life is sort of hard right now, and I want to be strong. So here I go, taking it minute by minute, hour by hour and one day at a time.
You are a wonderful daughter, and niece.
No idea how some people don't feel the need to lend a helping hand. It's always the same family members huh, and they are usually the ones to hassle you or question as to so, tell me, why is a gorgeous girl like you still single? etc.....makes you want to explode right?

I knew I wasn't going to be married until 50....don't ask me how, I just always knew. And as I only intend on getting married once, God willing, I get to spend 30+ years with my man.....

I always used to say to my mum (while she was hassling me about missing out)....sorry mum, you and dad are amazing (they were), but the idea of being with someone for 50 years plus is well, a lot.

Sending you so much love dear sobermafia. s

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Old 02-14-2020, 11:15 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Hey DB, so sorry you're having such difficulties with your mother. I can somewhat relate because my mother is a functioning alcoholic and I have an 18 year old daughter with serious mental health issues (cutting, food issues etc). I know how you feel, our moms are supposed to understand and be there for us.

It was hard growing up because she never hugged or told me she loved me (not to this day). I always seemed to put a frown on her face. She was also the one who encouraged me to drink alcohol when I couldn't manage my daughter as an infant (just to take the edge off...yeah right!).

The absolute worse part is that my daughter has said to me recently she feels like she is only trouble and I don't love her! How can that be! But it is what it is and there's no doubt I have some of my mother's traits.

In my case, I'm trying to see things from mom's perspective. She grew up in an unloving environment and left home at 15... got married at 16 because she was pregnant.

It's easier to forgive than to harbor resentment I'm finding. Being a cycle-breaker is not an easy thing but when my daughter told me the other day she's never going to drink because she wants to support me, I knew the tides were changing. I could just cry thinking about it.

I'm going to admit that I asked my daughter some pretty inappropriate questions about MY life in the past couple of years...maybe like your mother does to you. For me, it was innocent enough, I was just trying to connect with her on a more "adult" level. But I can see now that's not what she needed at all.
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Old 02-14-2020, 11:49 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Gosh, such hard stuff. s

The thing is Sober.....you do love her and she isn't too much trouble, and because of your experience with your mum you get to be compassionate and helpful here because you really get it.....and please remember that girls go through such deep emotional shifts. and a lot of her stuff is part of where she is in life. It's a tough time. And no matter what happened before, you get to be there for her now. That is precious. s xx
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Old 02-14-2020, 11:57 AM   #30 (permalink)
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You all are the absolute best. I wish we could all live together in our own little commune!

Sobermafia, first... huge congratulations on 45 days! I’m so happy for you! Secondly, I’m sorry you’re dealing with family issues. You’re a sweet daughter for helping your mom out. It’s horrible that no one else helps. As for being single in your 40s... I admire you. I’m on my 3rd marriage now. I wish I had been strong enough to wait and do what was best for me, not listening to the pressure from my family. You be you because you are amazing! Sending you virtual s for this weekend.

Cityboy, I hear ya. Thanksgiving and Christmas were huge drinking times for me due to family issues. I hope you don’t have to see your MIL very often.

Sober45, you are very wise! My sponsor said she’d work with me on helping to see my mom in another light. She gave me some suggestions that I used when my mom was just over here. Not easy, but a bit better. You’re 100% right, forgiveness is better than resentment. It sounds like you’re giving your daughter the support and love and guidance she needs. Breaking the cycle isn’t easy, but you’re doing it. I haven’t always been super appropriate in conversations I’ve had with my daughter either, but I think the important thing is we’re working on giving our kids what we didn’t have.

Thank you all so much for your support. It means the world to me!
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Old 02-14-2020, 12:21 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Thank you for sharing that sober45.

"Easier to forgive than to harbor resentment". Gosh I need to take lessons from you on this. I'm terrible about building resentment, which I think just clicks with the whole cycle of dependency.
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Old 02-14-2020, 05:53 PM   #32 (permalink)
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I think this was the thread we were talking about kayaks in a few days ago, I have a hard time keeping up with all my posts.
MLD51 I believe, posted a pic of her in her kayak.

Anyway I have been looking and thinking of getting one for a couple of years and today at the boat show I bought one.

It's a fishing kayak which is what I was looking for.
It has a small rip that I need to repair. Shouldn't be a problem but I got a $1,200 kayak for $400!

It's brand new but looks like a fork lift or something pushed into the back of it and made a small 3" tear.
I will probably do worse to it myself. LOL

Anyway had a good day, got to look at boats!

Hope y'all are doing well!
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Old 02-14-2020, 06:08 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Sounds like a good impulse buy. I'm afraid of what I would buy if I went to a boat show.
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Old 02-14-2020, 06:13 PM   #34 (permalink)
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I think I was about 40 y.o. the first time my mother said "I love you" at the end of one of our long-distance phone calls. The last time before that I was probably 2 years old, I don't remember it.

I nearly dropped the phone, but got used to it and even managed to eke it out myself eventually. My father never got the hang of it. I never heard those words from him before he passed at age 90 even when I finally got comfortable saying it regularly to him over the last 7 yrs of his life (after Mom died leaving him somewhat helpless after she "ran the show" for their 56 years of marriage and child-raising (5 kids)).

They were a stable sober couple, and did their best to be there for each other and the 5 of us with our various dramas and traumas (2 sons-in-law lost to alcoholism by age 30, one ending with suicide, the other, a real salesman go-getter type, just dropped out of sight one day leaving his pregnant wife and 4-year-old daughter in the lurch. He never saw, or tried to see, his son, ever, or his daughter or wife ever again. Called said son once when son was maybe 35 years old. Got a well-deserved cold shoulder. Died suddenly around age 65 while running a bar in Central America, we eventually heard.

My 'rents were always there for us, but that demonstrative gene was definitely recessive in them.

Glad to say my parents' 5 kids, now age 62 to 73, took Mom's late-breaking lead and we do now say those 3 little words to each other regularly, though we had not done so growing up.

Hmm, I didn't plan on this turning into a part Happy Valentine's Day post and part stroll down dark-memory lane but I s'pose that's how it turned out. Well, life has bits of both, sort of hodge-podged in there together, doesn't it.

"We try to do the best with what we've got." Sometimes I think that line sounds like one of resignation to secondratedness, but really, it' can be looked at as a highest aspirational goal. Don't you think?

Could someone maybe repost that how-to-post-a-photo-here post? Thanks. I have a cute (I hope) Valentine's pic to post but I spent a half hour this morning trying to re-find the how-to post and eventually had to give it up and get to workywork.

Now more than 1/2 way to New York City on 5-hour bus ride, nestled next to my little valentine. Ooh, pulling off highway, must be time for driver's rest stop.

Ta,
jr
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Old 02-14-2020, 06:15 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Sounds like a good impulse buy. I'm afraid of what I would buy if I went to a boat show.
It was and it wasn't. I have been wanting one and this was a really good deal. I could just fix it and sell it for a profit. But I did not go there looking for one so there is that.

Now the 17' Polar Kraft, that was almost an impulse buy.
Luckily that was $19,200 more than the kayak so that kind of turned me off
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Old 02-14-2020, 06:16 PM   #36 (permalink)
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https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...our-posts.html (How to put pics in your posts)

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Old 02-14-2020, 07:01 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Thanks, Dee.

Let's see if I've got it. We found the two V-Day cards at our door this morning, from our 12-year-old neighbor.

https://postimg.cc/94KmSrKx

Edit: Guess not lol.

Oh well, bus is in Manhattan now. I'm going to be looking out window for a while. I never get tired of this city.
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Old 02-14-2020, 07:43 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Thanks for sharing that JR.

When my kid was very young, before he began talking, I read somewhere that "I love you" is such a profoundly powerful statement that babies understood, people that were unconscious or even in comas had some reaction, etc, so I told him that every time it was my turn to read him bed time stories. He's 16 now so it seems weird but we still do the I love you exchanges occasionally when he goes to bed.

Not sure that dad and I have ever done the exchange, but I know how he feels. I didn't know my grandfather on dad's side very well because he died when I was young, but all third party accounts I've heard were that he was very tough so I doubt that I love yous were exchanged between him and dad.

Mom has some stroke related dementia and is subject to tell you that she loves you 10 times in a visit. Makes me cry sometimes.
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Old 02-14-2020, 07:47 PM   #39 (permalink)
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no you need the direct link jr - the one that ends in a image file like.jpg -


and then you need to put that inbetween IMG tags [IMG] [/IMG]

PHP Code:
[IMG]https://i.postimg.cc/MTKnnBD8/20200214-060245.jpg[/IMG] 
Which will give you this

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Old 02-14-2020, 10:25 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Thanks, Dee, maybe next time I'll remember that I can find the instruction in this Valentine's Day discussion. I should po ractice with some NYC shots this weekend.

So anyways, I'll tell the story of the V-Day pic while it is still V-Day somewhere in SobeRlandia, like the American West.

When my husband went to take the dogs out at 6 a.m. the cards had been propped at our door by our 12-year-old neighbor next door. Brightened up the day.
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