A rainy day today and rain/snow tomorrow. Perfect weather to get my stack of stuff done. Today is day 24 without alcohol. I cant say it has been revolutionary this far, but it has been healthful. And though not overly productive, more so than usual. It has been a great reminder of the daily value of sobriety, mostly with regard to relationships, communication, self-value. But, I must admit it’s only been a start. I will have a mindful decision to make this week whether to continue into February and/or beyond. I’ve paid attention to my health and daily living. Now for a deeper dive into the future. I hope and pray this week will supply answers about that.

Thanks, Dee, for the encouragement. And thanks to each of the Marchers, for keeping alive a place where we can comfortably post our thoughts, challenges, and progress. Rarely are we allowed to peer into each others lives like we do here, and to learn from and support each other. In today’s intrusive and often nonsensical social media world, this feels like a safe place to be honest and forthright.

I’ve wondered before if my coming in and out of this group has been a disservice to others, whereby a reader might take solace or license in my failure to remain sober and act on a trigger to drink again out of my decision to do so. If that is the case, I apologize. I dont wish my transparency to be a license or trigger for anyone. Nor do I wish my struggle to be a drag or anchor to anyone’s success. I’ve seen several come here and grow from here successfully fulfilling their missions and moving on to further their growth in new endeavors and places. I laud and congratulate those folks as much as I admire and respect those who have continued posting here regularly.

My nature has been to come here when I’ve hit a bottom, or had a disruption or revelation in my life. And then, when things improve, I forget about it and return to “normal” life. And that has included a return to drinking again.

This time is different for me. Not that I am predicting a drink, but that I came back in a different place. A good place. I had a pretty good year last year in business. My marriage has been mending pretty nicely. My other family relationships have been relatively drama-free. My former triggering “friendships” have been eliminated. I feel no pressure or need to drink to escape or to keep up. And Dry January was actually my wife’s suggestion, and she’s stuck to it.

Additionally, the “come down” to reality has also not been dramatic. Rather, I’ve had a slow, steady return to awareness in my life. Each week, my eyes have opened a little more to the realities of my life, both good and bad, rather than in an overwhelming momentary epiphany that sends guilt and adrenaline running through my veins. This weekend, some financial realities came to light, but I didnt despair as I have before. It will all work out. And I am calm and accepting of the reality and cognizant of the need to do differently.

That said, I am not currently seeing any positive or rewarding outcome of choosing to drink again simply because I made a month and that was my goal. Or simply beacuse it will be a new month. Rather, I am seeing great value in the continued stabilizing of my mind and in improving my life on the basis of daily awareness and growth.

My wife has already said she will drink again when DryJanuary is over. But, I think she has also seen growth in herself, in me, and in us. I believe I can take t from here on my own without undue influence by her drinking. But I will do that a day at a time.

Thanks for continuing to be here and for “listening” if you’ve read this far. But, really, these posts are for me, as a journal. If you gain by them, great!

Peace.

Hi Mirage. The faulty OFF switch. I like the analogy. Mine’s broken too. Anxiety goes hand in hand with a lot of co-morbities, like substance abuse, depression, ADHD, to name a few that are in my life. The fallacy is that the thing that makes us feel relieved of it is actually feeding it, until the new problem s actually worse than the old. We are all broken beings. Some are more cognizant or mindful of it than others. We cant save ourselves by simply switching vices. I’ve tried that approach. Acceptance, I think, is key to awareness. I am glad my awareness has increased over the course of this month. It gives me the incentive to keep going and keep growing.

Hi PBC! Glad to see your post. And prayers for your friend. Sometimes the light travels at a slower speed for some of us. For me, I blame it on my density.

In early days for me, buoyancy and good spirits are essential. Getting down and depressed is a deal killer. Thank God He has kept me buoyant and resilient, but has not allowed pollyannish sentiment to take over. I am aware of my realities, good and bad. I dont want to bury my head in the sands from despair or by euphoria. Right down the middle keeps me whole.

Hope all have a great day!

Well, I made it 30 days. And then it was over. And, oh, how quickly the lethargy and depression returned. But, I will climb back on the bus and make tomorrow Day 1. Thanks for being here!