Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > New to Addiction and Recovery? > Newcomer's Daily Support Threads
Reload this Page >

All in all, Rome wasn't built in a day, eh? kk1k5x accountability thread



Notices

All in all, Rome wasn't built in a day, eh? kk1k5x accountability thread

Old 12-16-2019, 07:21 AM
  # 141 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
The translation has been completed. Not sure if I need to still do some corrections once the work guy takes a look and finds something horribly wrong with it, but I would say the translation is 99.9% done.

Also, today should be a celebration for one more reason - my article was published. It's my third now The wonders of the sobriety, I tell ya buddy...
kk1k5x is offline  
Old 12-16-2019, 08:53 AM
  # 142 (permalink)  
saoutchik
 
saoutchik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,134
Congrats kk! Well done.
saoutchik is online now  
Old 12-16-2019, 11:33 AM
  # 143 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Thanks Sao

I made pasta today with the leftover chicken and used the rib juices and cream to make a sauce. Once again - cheap but good!

Today was a good day. I am glad I got the work done and it was accepted alright. Actually, there was already a new offer, just as I suspected (I guess). But I mentioned to the work guy that I could use a bit of a rest, so he suggested a longer deadline to the potential customer. We'll see. All I need to do is to keep it going. But also rest up properly tonight.

Now who could forget the article! :P Doesn't happen very often, but when it does - it feels sweet!

The amount of exclamation marks already shows that my spirit are lifted this evening.

I will probably just lounge around, watch/listen to a documentary and go to sleep soon.

End of Day 217. I did not drink today.
kk1k5x is offline  
Old 12-16-2019, 12:01 PM
  # 144 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
In all a very good day indeed.

Congrats on the article and for finishing the project and to stay on theme, 217 for the win.
biminiblue is offline  
Old 12-16-2019, 12:08 PM
  # 145 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Thanks!

Nowadays I have to check the number of days from my previous posts usually. I realise more and more how important it was and is to stick around SR. To create small habits that work towards the positives and try to keep at it.

I'm also looking forward to the holidays, because then I can take time and do new research I've realised that drinking was always about 'getting out' - of some place, some state of mind, some obligation, or trouble. Sobriety is about 'getting in' - a groove, a good habit, some work, some good rest.

Thanks for being here, Bim! I've been glad I listened to your advice more than once over these 217 days. And I'm grateful that you continue to give it (here and elsewhere )
kk1k5x is offline  
Old 12-16-2019, 05:45 PM
  # 146 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,045
congrats on the publication kk1k

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 12-17-2019, 10:57 AM
  # 147 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Third time published, Kk, how awesome are you? Very!
Fusion is offline  
Old 12-17-2019, 12:48 PM
  # 148 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Thanks Tatsy

The three days were productive and good for the budget. The tiredness fades quickly.
Actually I would have liked to work this afternoon.

Didn't sleep well at all tonight. Fell asleep only at like 1.30am and was up already at 5 :/ then dozed off for an hour at around 11. So, a weird day. But since it was fully committed to 'doing nothing', I'm alright with that.

Maybe there'll be more work tomorrow, maybe not. If not, I'll do my research, or read, or maybe translate the book for a little while. Plenty of things to choose from, each one good for/towards something

Made schnitzels today, mmm. Drank plenty of fluids and rested up. Have basketball game to watch.

I did think about the concept of self-sabotaging behaviour and how much of it there is in addiction. In the first weeks I didn't 'get it'. I just knew that I had not been able to think myself sober and that action seemed to work better. However, I didn't really grasp why. During the last translation, I was taking a break and sitting on my balcony. A weird thought popped into my mind: "What if I just blew this whole thing up with a drink?". I dismissed the thought at once, but the point of it sort of lingered. I didn't want to drink, nor to be drunk. And my brain went straight to just explicitly stating what the consequences of a drink would be - as if that would somehow ... convince me better? Needless to say that an addict's brain is a peculiar phenomenon, but the idea behind that thought stuck with me and I wanted to address it here. The primary thing in recovery, as I've come to understand it, is of course staying clean. But the intricacies involved in doing so are legion. The common trait, for me personally, was always self-sabotage. I would rush into something (or make a commitment whilst under the influence), keep drinking, sober up and realise there's no way on Earth I'd be able to do what I said/promised, try to find an escape and move on. Then probably drink, because I felt like a failure (yet again). It was a cycle of self-sabotage, where booze was the coping mechanism. And this cycle perpetuated itself for years - rush into sth, feel overwhelmed, drink to 'calm the nerves', screw the thing up, feel guilty, drink to escape the feeling, and prolly make some other commitment and/or get myself in trouble again. Rinse-repeat. That's why action is a lot more important than thoughts in the early days. Because thoughts are just screwed up manifestations of some years and years worth of maladaptive subconscious programmes running strong in the background. Which is why sobriety (and new, positive habit forming) reinforcing actions, however small, are paramount. Very slowly, the programmes can be overwritten. That was my personal revelation on the balcony. And it happened because my brain no longer tried to convince me that a drink would be great, it was more like a professed arsonist suggesting I torch the place. By that, it showed its true intentions. For some reason I'm convinced that's how I and other people in early sobriety get sucked back into the booze. Some self-sabotage effort goes on before the first drink is taken after some time sober. And I'm also kind of certain that the sentence "I thought it would be fine" should be replace with "I thought I could get away with it" in those accounts. Just my thoughts, though

Hope everyone had a good day!

End of Day 218. I did not drink today.
kk1k5x is offline  
Old 12-18-2019, 12:06 PM
  # 149 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Nothing much to report from today. I was sleepy pretty much all day. There was a glimmer of hope for work, but it ended up falling through.

It annoys me when the prospective clients contact the work guy at fairly ridiculous times and have unrealistic expectations in terms of a deadline. Today's so-called offer came in at around 3pm and was supposed to be ready by 9am tomorrow. The work amount was the equivalent of 10-12 hours. So I said, I can't do that - 12pm tomorrow could be doable. Okay, the work guy took that offer back to the client. Who decided to wait yet another 3+ hours before confirming. At that point I simple said I can't do it, because I can't promise any quality. Plus, if I'd give up (the fact I actually considered it is probably also problematic) my entire night's sleep for that translation, then I'd expect the price to be 1.5x or 2x but it would be just as if I'd be translating at noon.

I think I made the right decision, even though in this 'client is king; lots of competition' type field everytime you say No, you feel a low key jolt of discomfort travel through the body and mind. Nevertheless, the damage I'd do to my already weird sleeping situation is not worth the money I'd be getting for the effort.

Also figured out that, okay, if I accept work and it turns out to be more difficult than I initially thought it would be - then working into the night and/or waking up a lot earlier than usual would be fine with me. I've also done that plenty of times. But I can't voluntarily sacrifice my sleep. Those consequences I'd feel long after the translation has been completed.

Boundaries. Self-care and -preservation.

I think I'll spend the rest of my evening reading. There's been a storm outside the entire day. Really-really strong winds and lots of broken branches behind the apartment building.

Hope everyone had a productive day. Unless there's work at some point tomorrow, I'll do a focussed day of research, i.e. sifting through the data systematically. Can't wait to see what gems I might discover

End of Day 219. I did not drink today.
kk1k5x is offline  
Old 12-18-2019, 02:07 PM
  # 150 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,045
I thin you made the right choice too kk1k,

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 12-19-2019, 01:14 PM
  # 151 (permalink)  
saoutchik
 
saoutchik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,134
Yes, that was the right choice. No one can produce the same quality of work during normal sleeping hours that they can during daytime hours. As you say it might have been different if it was for double time or there was a lot more work to follow but not as a one time standard fee job.
saoutchik is online now  
Old 12-19-2019, 01:29 PM
  # 152 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Well, I set up everything for my work today and spent half a day doing that. I went through about 2% of the entire text mass (50 pages). Yup, it's that big. This one treasure trove of data will probably be enough for 2-3, maybe even four articles simply due to the complex and intertwined things people discuss on there. Kind of cool how this idea got started in Italy, then when I was in the UK my friend helped me out by actually writing code and getting this data. And now all there's left is the arduous but ultimately super rewarding research part.

There was also some news today - apparently the institute I'll be a member of as a PhD student will be applying for some project funds to run a longer course. The prof asked if I wanted to come and give a short lecture on the subject I'm working on right now. I like how she sold it "there's not a huge amount of money there. But there's pocket money and a chance to get your foot in the institute's door - that I can promise".

In my mind I was like - I've never done this for money. I mean, I will be paying for each semester I spend there (the fee is low, a year is 100 euros or so). I also don't call it tuition - I call it a season ticket :P That's a sign of 'do I want to be there?' if there ever was one. I immediately said yes, because I think the whole thing would probably be balls out interesting nerdy stuff.

Yesterday I read this book my friend gifted me ("The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****"). There's this interesting discussion about the difference between daydreaming about an end result or enjoying the struggle of the journey. I wasn't really sure about research in the beginning. Well, I knew nothing about it, my sups were no where to be found etc. But I stuck with it even through the drinking. There were many-many screw ups and ofc that whole faculty thing where I was more or less forced to leave. Then again - after all that, all the right people emerged, I started my sober journey and things just started falling into place. I never had a specific end-goal in mind. For once in my life, I simply felt 'this is something I actually like doing' and stuck around. You stick around sth long enough whilst actively engaged, you will inevitably start getting better at things. It takes small, repeated actions. And exactly like the book says: it's about whether you enjoy the struggle and toil of the journey. I do!

My sister was here with her partner and her son. He's already six months old! Wow, time sure flies. I guess I shouldn't really be all that surprised, given today's 'number' for me, too

Thanks for reading guys! Hope everyone is well. Tomorrow I'll submit what'll probably be my last invoice of the year and then it's the holidays. Which for me will be filled with arduous and mindnumbing data analysis and roast pork, potatoes and fried cabbage (mmmm....) and my mineral water+cranberry juice drink. I wouldn't have it any other way and I'm super looking forward to finding all the hidden gems from the text! It's a serious time crunch to get it done, so that'll be my extra challenge. Bring it!

End of Day 220. I did not drink today.
kk1k5x is offline  
Old 12-19-2019, 04:28 PM
  # 153 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,045
I'm glad you accepted kk1k

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 12-20-2019, 06:54 AM
  # 154 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Kk, sounding positive in here! Accepting the lecturing offer sounds like a smart decision. Would you recommend the "Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***"? I could do with applying that Art to some troublesome areas of my life, it would make them easier to deal with.
Fusion is offline  
Old 12-20-2019, 07:14 AM
  # 155 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Hi Tatsy!

Yes, I would. It's an interesting read. I'm not through with it just yet, I've been doing my research stuff mostly, but makes you think about things worth giving an F about. And makes you really consider what those things are for you
kk1k5x is offline  
Old 12-20-2019, 01:16 PM
  # 156 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Today was interesting. I managed to move forward with the research some, not a whole lot, but it keeps providing interesting tidbits to wonder about. Every five pages, the topic of people's discussion seems to change and that introduces a new angle on the problem. I am approximately 4% through with the data and I could easily see myself writing the article soon enough, the material is just that rich. A true treasure chest for sure Very happy to have sort-of-kind-of stumbled on it through one of my 'quirky' ideas! I'm also very grateful for my friend to have made this thing possible and my prof for the support and engagement. The stuff is interesting for her, too, I know that much.

Wished the work guy a happy holidays after I submitted my invoice and told him I'll retreat to my research work for the quiet period that seems to have arrived. A couple of hours later he messaged me, and the literal translation of what he said would "silence-schmilence". Someone had offered a 60 page translation! Well, they haven't confirmed it yet, so I don't know it'll go into action - but I do know that if it does, then the deadline would me more relaxed due to the holidays and I would have ample time to both grind my research AND do the translation on a daily basis. It would be a great start to my year.

It's also great that my prof here (primary supervisor) and my good prof who took me in when I was in the States finally managed to get their email exchange going. I have been blessed to have two exceptional ladies as my supervisors, both at the very top of their game, both great humans, both slightly different in their approaches to academic work (which is all the more enriching to me) and both in my corner I mean, I could not have wished for a better solution to my thesis situation if I had actually tried to come up with some unrealistic-perfect state of things. I have a specific agreement with the US prof in terms of her contribution (she's super busy) and I try to be a good student here for my sup, taking part in the events and really, I mean Really, listen to what she says. This is just an awesome setup for anyone. To look back and consider what it was like in my old faculty, it's impossible to compare the two. Now I actually feel accepted. While I have lots of proving myself to do, I know that I won't be going at it without support and guidance. That is super important in whatever line of work someone is. I'd imagine it's a lot like having a sponsor truth be told.

After my mindset switch, translations seem to be going better as well. I almost view it as my pet peeve, the fact that when I start focussing on the money, I lose sight of what is important, i.e. the process and the quality, and start rushing and thus start making more mistakes. While I, like everyone else, need some money as well, it seems to always have been the moment I shoot myself in the foot - focussing on the money aspect. It's as if I lose an essential connection between myself and my activity when money is the focus instead. I need to remind myself that every now and again, so I wouldn't forget and go off the path.

And then I have my trusy thread visitors and contributors here on SR I want you guys to know that your support and even your shortest posts have helped me through some pretty rough days.

It's not even the end of the year yet, but looking back ... I think it's the first year in recent memory where I am actually alright with what I managed to do, to see, to learn and to experience. Sobriety is at the core of it all.

End of Day 221. I did not drink today.
kk1k5x is offline  
Old 12-20-2019, 01:35 PM
  # 157 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
The bit about money and how it throws you off is a pretty profound thought, kk.

I like it.

Sounds like you're creating a good life for yourself. That's so awesome.

It's the middle of the day here and we're on flood watch! I live right on a river, there is a big hill behind and with so much rain of course there is the possibility of mudslides too. Winter can be a little nerve-wracking in the rain forest. The river has come up a few feet this morning and it's concerning. I'm going to go move my car out of the neighborhood here as soon as I finish my tea.
biminiblue is offline  
Old 12-20-2019, 01:43 PM
  # 158 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Oh no, Bim - best make it as safe as possible. When I was near Philly, my phone would very often give me these flooding warnings. First week there, there was a big storm and the phone scared me kinda, cause it has never made that sound before and you couldn't put it on silent.

There's not much of a winter to talk about here either. It's all just black ground and occasional mud. I mentioned the stormy winds we had here. There's a patch of forest right behind my apartment building (I'd say the closest pine tree is maybe 15 feet from my balcony). And in the really strong winds, they look almost like blades of grass. It is harrowing and grounding at the same time. I reminder to recognise your own ant-iness in the grander scheme of things. In the last storm some time during the fall, there's a private house across the road from where the patch of forest ends - one of their threes had fallen over and crushed a big portion of their fence :/

Please stay safe

Please stay safe.
kk1k5x is offline  
Old 12-20-2019, 01:48 PM
  # 159 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Thank you. I live in a third floor walk up, so I'm technically safe from the flooding and no trees to fall on me - but my car isn't safe. The mudslide possibility is real and it would crush my car. Obviously a flood wouldn't help the car either. Not sure what would happen to the building with a mudslide. I hope I never find out.
biminiblue is offline  
Old 12-20-2019, 01:55 PM
  # 160 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Hmm, well it's good that you're safe. As for the car - I guess you can make it as protected as possible, have hope ...and insurance. This seems like the trifecta for the protection of any earthly possessions: preparation, hope and insurance.
kk1k5x is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:56 PM.