Charon

It's not really external accountability - internal accountability is far more important, actually essential. Unfortunately, all my life I have had problems with impulse control. Antabuse prevents me from having an impulse to drink and acting on it before I come to my senses. Having to quit antabuse for 12 days before I can drink gives me enough time to come to my senses.

As far as my wife being away, that's a big trigger for me. It was a time when I could "get away with it". No longer want to get away with it but some habits die hard. Better that I can't drink and don't have to deal with impulses.

As far as the good part of being alone - I'm missing my hugs and just chatting. At least when I go on my diving trip 10 days after she gets back I'll have great wi-fi and phone service so I won't feel so alone. Still a lack of hugs though.

Morning.

First a run to the pharmacy then leaves, leaves, leaves. I have a vac shredder machine that looks like a mower but chops leaves from 9 volumes to 1. It also blows and chips small (1.5") branches. I use it in the drive and put the shredded leave into a compost pile. In the yard there's too much area and I found a much faster way to deal with the leaves. Using the garden tractor I mow them from the the center outand when they get too deep I reverse and mow the outside toward the center making 2 lines of chopped leaves and grass. Then, with the shredding screen removed I suck up that mess and add it to the compost pile.

I get a really big pile of compost fixings that I toss some fertalizer and limestone powder on. Each year when I put the blade on the tractor and before I take it off I play bulldozer and turn the piles, moving them a bit from one place to another, then back. After the first year it makes a great mulch. Second year It's ready to be turned into the garden, which involves a tiny tiller.

I still have to bring in the hummingbird feeders, wash them and put them away, My rowboat and small motor need to be fixed for winter. Rasberries need picked. All the machines need their oil changed. Need to put suit out for the woodpeckers. I'm sure I'm forgetting some things but if I were drinking it would take me a lot longer to get those things done and I wouldn't enjoy it one bit. Now, when I finish a task I look back and feel satisfied. And I can quit when I'm tired because I get so much more done, there's plenty of time to rest.

Well, time to make another cup of coffee and get started. Keep on loving your sobriety and keep smelling the roses.

venuscat

My gosh man, you are a cyclone of yard work and boat cleaning and all matter of amazingness.....when you finish, would you pop over here and help me with my garden?

(And I leave my feeders outside as they are all dcorational as well as actual feeders....so far I haven't lost any in the weather).

And I hear you, and this is for you. ❤️

Charon

Morning.

Thanks for the hugs Venus. I got a text from my wife this morning saying we could communicate a bit (test) through someone's phone there. I replied with 3 messages but haven't heard back. Then I just got a call from her phone. We couldn't talk long, only a few minutes, but it was so good to hear her voice.

The yard & other outside work has become so much easier since I (mentally) made it my hobby. I have a lot of machines and tools to help with the work. Garden tractor & vacume, shredder, chipper, blower (all in one) for the leaves. A hand cart to move the 6 hp outboard into the basement. I made a custom weeder on my lathe - handle out of wenge and the working end is a tine from a cultivator. Having proper tools makes it a lot easier - so does not drinking.

Yesterday I got one of the hoses in. Did the leaves, and, of course, they are started back. Set a live trap that I made out for the bunny (I think) that is using the flower garden across the drive from the kitchen window as a buffet. They need to be moved out bcak to play with the other bunnies. No luck there yet.

I brought in the hummer feeders so they don't freeze and are clean & ready for next year.

Today I'm going to break down the boat and get the oil changed in the tractor, leaf machine, generator, compressor, edger, and tiller. The only drawback to having machines to help with the work is maintenance. Not bad if I pick a nice sunny, warm day.

I have a rut I like to be in. I get up about 8-8:30 am, make coffee and sit at the computer while I wake up. I check in at two sobriety forums (SMART & this one) and a scuba forum and the regular sites I check daily. Then get outside (unless the weather is bad) and try to accomplish what I have planned. I'll work till early afternoon (2-3 pm) and go in for lunck and a nap. When I get up from the nap I usually have something small planned to take care of. Then dinner, watch a bit of TV, then to bed. It's a comfortable rut, but I don't take it too seriously.

I try to take at least one day a week to do something fun that isn't work. I'd like to get in one more day of paddling, some hiking to waterfalls & poking around in the woods (the Adirondacks are in peak color right now), maybe some bicycle riding,

All too soon I'll switch over to snowshoeing, which is the only outside winter activity I do beside clearing the snow out of the drive. Winter is also when I used to light a fire in the woodshop and work with exotic wood making boxes or turning bowls. I'm going to try to get back to that this winter.

Well, I blathered on for quite a while. Better stop now. Hope everyone is having a great weekend without urges.

venuscat

I love reading your posts Charon. You inspire me. xx

Lucinda2

Venuscat, I can imagine that must have been some adjustment after 20yrs living alone! I found it hard after just 5yrs living single to share a home with someone again. Must be a pretty special person that you were willing to make such changes for! You sound happy too. Nice.

Charon, I enjoyed reading your posts. What a veritable hive of activity! Glad you managed to speak with your wife. Definitely I am reading your posts and thinking how good that must feel to tick those things off your mental to-do list. I am going to make lists of jobs and do them from now on. Like Venuscat, I am feeling inspired by your posts!

My weekend was a mixed bag, good to get some routines back and go to spin class yesterday morning. Went out to a gig last night and danced hard. Took me a while to warm up to dancing without alcohol but once I relaxed it was good fun. Before the gig we went out for food in a bar in town and I found that I did not enjoy this. Lesson learnt and identified. Gigging sober is fun, eating out in loud town drinking holes is not. Next time I will choose a quieter pre-gig restaurant away from the hustle or I will go straight to the gig.

Today I went for Sunday lunch with friends. I notice that they put away a lot of alcohol. I am not sure if this is normal or if my friends drink more than most? They are happy with their drinking so I guess it is not a problem for them. It strikes me as weird how ingrained alcohol is in society. How have we ended up with half the world addicted to a drug? I am in the UK. I know we have a big drink culture here. I am not sure if this is the same in other westernised countries.

BackandScared

I am getting to the conclusion that certain cultures and social class environtment are rotten with alcohol.
I come from a very poor background and away from UK (but European). I never saw drinking as a normal habit, but a massive treat for very special occasions. I started drinking abusively once I got here. I remember thinking a pint was a non-manageable amount (hahaha...).

Some friends are staying with us from my home country. They arrived on Friday. I had prepared a roast/dessert/etc. I had plenty of wine/liqueur to go with the food. . Then I got myself a 0.0 beer. My (male) friend asked me if I minded he had one like mine instead.

I discovered he genuinely likes AF beer and sees no point in adding the extra calories of the alcohol when (to him) they taste the same. He seem AF been and 'normal' beer as I see regular coke and Diet coke.

Most of my friends don't drink or drink minimally. However, I still managed to drink a lot.

Charon, you are the busiest person on earth. I hope you get to talk to your wife with proper connection soon. I am delighted you have the antabuse to help you a bit through this. It seems you are missing her quite a lot and it makes you vulnerable (which is very nice in many other ways, but always dangerous for us the super thirsty tribe).

venuscat

It is the same in Melbourne Australia, that's for sure.
Although no one else in my family is an alcoholic (that they admit), every single one of them has drinks with food always when they are out....and yep....it is quite a bit and requires a designated driver.

Also my neighbours.

Here it is very different I have found. My neighbour is in his late 20s and drinks a fair bit on weekends (then they play basketball in the house and I want to kill them ), but no one else I know here drinks at all. Or very rarely. And there are lots of people that age in my street and neighbourhood.

I am/was the same as you: I found the sober gigs were awesome but not the dinner in bars. Not on Fridays or Saturdays, this is not for me. I don't like it at all. I am glad you worked out how you feel about all of this so you can keep yourself safe and still have fun!!

How is this.....Nick/husband has a new band (so so proud of him) and they are doing their first gig at the end of December. And they all decided to make it alcohol-free. All of them. One recovering alcoholic and about 7 more band members (2 bands) and they all wanted this. I am thrilled and amazed.

And yes, he is most definitely a very special man....plus he puts up with me which is a miracle.

venuscat

It is the same in Melbourne Australia, that's for sure.
Although no one else in my family is an alcoholic (that they admit), every single one of them has drinks with food always when they are out....and yep....it is quite a bit and requires a designated driver.

Also my neighbours.

Here it is very different I have found. My neighbour is in his late 20s and drinks a fair bit on weekends (then they play basketball in the house and I want to kill them ), but no one else I know here drinks at all. Or very rarely. And there are lots of people that age in my street and neighbourhood.

I am/was the same as you: I found the sober gigs were awesome but not the dinner in bars. Not on Fridays or Saturdays, this is not for me. I don't like it at all. I am glad you worked out how you feel about all of this so you can keep yourself safe and still have fun!!

How is this.....Nick/husband has a new band (so so proud of him) and they are doing their first gig at the end of December. And they all decided to make it alcohol-free. All of them. One recovering alcoholic and about 7 more band members (2 bands) and they all wanted this. I am thrilled and amazed.

And yes, he is most definitely a very special man....plus he puts up with me which is a miracle.

Charon

Morning.

Another fine day here. I got oil changed in 6 of the 7 machines. I forgot about the snow blower when I was posting yesterday. Did that one and left the compressor for another time. It's in the basement so I can do it when it's raining. Still a lot to do outside including some work on the machines but I'm taking the day for myself to go over to the range and plink a bit. I decided that a new VACI could be precision plinking. I'll never get to the competative level except with myself but it's fun to see if I can get really, really accurate. It's harmless (except to the paper bullseyes) and inexpensive, and fun. The range has been closed for excavation and work for about a month so this will be my first time back in a while.

Not looking to get much else done today. I DO have to pick the rasberries. Even though they are ripening slowly there are some that will go by and that would be a sin. Didn't have a nap yesterday so that's a posibility for today. Tonight a F2F about 45 minute drive away. It's a late one (7:30 -8:45) so I would have time for a nap.

I've been enjoying using my small (6.6" across the bottom) cast iron frypan. I got into the habit of cutting up potatoes and putting them in a plastic bag with a bit of oil and garlic powder, shaking them up, put them on a tray and tossing them into the toaster oven. Lazy. I tried the cast iron with a little bacon fat (yeah, I know - not so heart healthy) and found they browned and crisped so much better and it was a lot quicker. Another benifit, since it's small it limits me to a reasonable portion size. Tonight I'll use it to make a burger slathered in brown chipotle powder on a toasted sesame seed bun with a thick slice of Vidalia onion and Thompson's Squash pepper slices. I do love my hots.

Got to talk to my wife yesterday and today. Guess she got lonely and decided that the cell charges, while outrageous, were worth it. I'm very glad. It was so good to hear her voice and learn what she is doing over there. Good for her too. Especially since she doesn't have to worry if I'm going to pick up the phone slurring my words. Makes me feel good. Better than a buzz from alcohol and lasts a lot longer.

Everyone have a safe, sober, fun, and productive day - and remember to treat yourself especially well. You deserve it.

venuscat

I adore raspberries. s
Hope today is a wonderful day for you too dear Charon. ❤️

BackandScared

And you seem to make delicious food too, Charon! I am so lazy when it comes to cooking for myself. I like doing many things alone but cooking and eating my own food is not one of them.

No doubt your musical, talented and lovely husband deserves lots of praise. From what I know about you, he is the lucky one venuscat!

Charon

I had the most terrific day yesterday. I went and did some plinking, chatted with the guys that were there, really enjoyed myself and when I got home my Daughters car was in the drive and she was out back picking rasberries. We had a great time just talking and being happy to be with each other. Watched a pumpkin carving contest on TV, ate some peanut butter sandwiches, picked kale, swiss chard, baby bok choy, and 2 kinds of parsley out of the garden for her. She headed to a friends to carve pumpkins and I went to my F2F which was also really good. I'm still beaming.

Today a message popped up on the computer from my electronic calendar "D-day" - meaning decision day. I put it in a long time ago. It was to remind me that if I wanted to drink while on my drive trip I should quit antabuse today. Fat chance. It did give me a chuckle though. No way I'm stopping antabuse. No way I'm ruining my dive trip by being stupid and repeating past actions. Nope, nope, nope.

When I first started trying to stop I bought a Zuni Badger Fetish. A tiny, really beautiful carved and polished piece to help me. Zuni consider the badger to be characterized by tenaciousness, passion, control, persistence and earthiness. He is aggressive and represents the ability to reach one's goals. I'm finally there. Call me little badger. Though I remain Charon.

Well I have to go to my yearly physical (yuck). All of you have a great day and enjoy sobriety. It's more than worth it.

venuscat

Hope the physical grows great little badger.

And no Back, I really am lucky he puts up with me. Or did put up with a very long and difficult adjustment for me in the US.....still cannot get rid of this eczema. Grrr. s xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Charon

Morning.

My physical was the best ever. All bloodwork and everything else was perfect. I'm very happy about that. The only downside was a flu shot in one arm and 2nd pneumonia shot in the other. Both arms ached pretty bad by yesterday evening. After the physical I shredded the leaves in the drive. That involves a lot of pushing and pulling the machine. My back ached as well. I was happy though & satisfied that my domain was in shape. lol

This after noon I see my therapist and this evening a F2F. Both are in the same town and I have about 3 hours between. I might go to the library bookstore and see if I can find some used books. Then I could run to the 5 Guys for a burger and fries before the F2F. Or I could run home and take a nap. Have to see how I feel at the time.

I'm kind of abbivalent about this meeting's facilitator & his assistant. The first meeting struck me as a bit too academic. Almost like a class or lecture. He's a bit full of himself (psychologist), the "assistant" is besotted with him and his pronouncements. She sort of talks down to the rest of us even though she is just another fighting the same demons as the rest of us.

He uses ACT rather than SMART or a combination. And I find him a a bit pedantic. I'll decide, after tonight, if I'll continue this meeting. Last F2F my impulsiveness came out when he asked me (kind of challengingly) what I got out of the other meetings I go to. The tone and way he said it smacked of a wee bit of "This meeting is all you need". I gave my answer and added that I didn't see the difference between ACT and SMART, that it was just semantics, and explained why. He retorted "Then they are doing ACT not SMART". Kind of &%$?@#$ arrogant, if you ask me. SO I will use SMART/ACT to evaluate tonights F2F - is it usefull/helpfull? And make a decision. There are too many on-line meetings to put myself into a situation where I get worked up. We talked a bit after the meeting and he suggested that I set a timer and check what I'm thinking of every 15 minutes. It will be interesting to see how he reacts to what I found.

All things considered ACT dosen't offer the tools that SMART does. It's a lot like Rational Recovery without the Adidctive Voice. The only "method" is to be mindfull of your thoughts and challenge them. Hell, if that worked ... Long story short, I'm less than impressed.

It's gloomy and going to rain later. Kind of glad for two reasons. First I can finally try my new rain hat (lost my old one). And, I'm going to put the kitchen back in shape. I cooked dinner last night and it involved a lot of pots. My arms and back objected to doing dishes and cleaning up so I'll do it today. Not a good day to work outside anyway.

Hope everyone has an inspiring, productive, and enjoyable day.

Lucinda2

Now, this is interesting BackandScared because there was a lot of poverty when I was growing up and I don't remember anyone drinking much either. High days and holidays and then only a small lager & lime. My own drinking only took off later in life when I started getting more affluent and mixing with different people for whom drinking seems to be a total way of life; theatre = booze, cinema = booze, dog walks = boozy pub lunches, dinner parties = **** faced. Since when did going to the cinema get to be about getting wasted??? It used to be about popcorn and cola. I think it was when we got to a ripe old middle-age where we could afford the executive lounge.

But you are right we are going to do what we are going to do regardless of what our friends are doing. It seems once that line is crossed everything changes.

Lucinda2

That is great that you husband is in a new band and that they are going to be doing an alcohol free gig. I am sure AF is going to be the new black! It is nice that he is supportive, my husband is too. Sometimes I have to be careful as I start to construe his support as control. Poor man, he can't win.

I spent a month in Melbourne a couple of years ago and got really hammered for a whole month with my 24 year old son. I was so ashamed of myself when I got home.

It is fun isnt it, we are learning a new path to walk through life. Sounds very nice where you are now too. Do you like it?

Lucinda2

That is great news about the physical! I don't know anything about ACT or Smart or any other recovery programmes really. But I guess as you move through the journey you are learning what feels right for you? Hope your dishes got done. I have been more productive in my work life thanks to your motivational posts. And I have a chores list for the weekend which I feel happy about. Thank you for sharing your motivation around!

venuscat

I love it here Lucinda.
Other than missing the beach is is the most magical place.
One of the oldest historical villages in the US.
And my husband is one of us....that's how I met him, on SR.

Glad the physical went well Charon.

❤️❤️

Lucinda2

That is so cool that you met on SR! Great that you guys are still rocking life too.

I have just googled the German Village. It looks utterly charming and bohemian. Must be gorgeous to live there.

venuscat

It really is.
I am beyond happy that I chose this place to live. s