bobdrop

OK Dee. Don't want to create waves

venuscat

I guess this is when "play the tape through" comes in handy.
Cos you didn't forget, you remembered....as Dee always says, it isn't the thoughts that are the issue....they happen....it's what we do with them that matters.

So you romanticised for a moment and then you played the tape through....saw what the consequences would be. I know it feels kind of not nice when we go through that, but it is actually a huge win in my books. s xx

venuscat

Thank you so much for your awesome posts!!! s
And may we PLEASE see a photo of your sheltie.....I adore them.....they are the loveliest dogs. xx

venuscat

Or asking someone on a diet to buy chocolate or dessert. Now we wouldn't do that, it would be cruel, wouldn't it?

I think part of it is the decision dear Red.....if you tell him you are not drinking, then you can't drink. Maybe it's keeping the door open.....maybe not.....just a thought honey. s xx

venuscat

Beach caravan......just drool.
Memories of summers and weekends in Phillip Island. I half grew up there.

You sound wonderful deary RAL. ❤️

venuscat

AH HA.....so now I know why my dad thought he was the sum of knowledge.....his name was Sid. He actually was pretty brilliant, so that is wonderful. Wish I could have told him this.... he would get a giggle for sure.

Karen....cannot say enough how happy I am for you....you are seeing the forest now....and doing a marvelous job of looking after yourself....first things first for sure....how very wise you are.. ❤️

venuscat

You didn't David.

I tend to use peoples' names if they put them in their post, or sign their posts....but gosh I don't want to get them wrong, there are a lot of us here. So usernames work well, but I don't think it matters.

I started using my name (Suze) after Venus died. I just couldn't handle anyone calling me venuscat for a while....it hurt so much. Now it is just a beautiful tribute to her....I would not have lived to get sober if it wasn't for her.

OK.....so much talking from me.....off I go!!

Awake61

People collected together at a social event drinking doesn't look fun to me. But that is because I was a completely anti-social drinker. Hid the bottle, then swill down in hopes the blackness would come. Glad I'm here, no hidden bottle and no looking back. Thank you all for being here!

venuscat

Hello dear Awake. ❤️

Jewel72

Good morning, Class! Thank you for welcoming me back. I know I have done this many many times, but this has to be it. I can’t go on living with wine in my life. It gets harder and harder to quit every time I pick it up again.

I actually went into the liquor store I was going to most often and said goodbye to the clerk! He has always been such a kind man, so I thanked him for being so kind to me, but told him I was quitting drinking. I told him if I stopped in to say hello, I would only purchase a bag of chips or gum. WOW..in all my life, I never would have thought I’d be saying goodbye to a liquor store owner. Weird but very freeing at the same time.

Anyway, I have tried to get back to day 2 for 5 weeks now, so today will be a day of rest, prayer, SR, and eating healthy foods. I will not drink today.

Your posts are encouraging. Keep it up and never go back. The lure of a drink is one big deceitful ugly lie. ALWAYS bites us in the end.

Happy Thursday/Friday, friends!

venuscat

I think that is just such an empowering thing to do dear Quitnow.
You made yourself accountable....he may not stop you from buying alcohol, but I imagine he will look at you sideways if you come in and buy booze now.

I said goodbye to the bottle shop in Woolies (Melbourne OZ), loudly and in front of my buddies who worked there (of course they were my buddies, I was there a lot, they knew me well).

Hope you have a really good day today love. s ❤️

Pouncer

Hello Class,

It's been 21 days since relapse. I have been having a difficult time health-wise over the last week, with several migraines. However, slowing down has forced me to think about some difficult stuff.

I feel I am usually emotionally closed to my feelings, but I need to talk about them or I will explode now. I am in therapy for PTSD (emotional, physical, neglect and cult abuse during childhood). A year ago I suddenly, out of the blue, confronted my parents about the abuse. I was having a PTSD flare-up and told them I could not eat or sleep because I was having flashbacks and anxiety attacks regularly. I wanted to be heard and I had this fantasy that they would care, talk about it, apologize, go to family therapy, etc. Their response: change the subject.

I felt this overwhelming urge to protect myself and in that moment, blocked all avenues of contact with them. I have very little contact with my siblings as a result. In the last year, I have learned a lot about myself and it has been really difficult. So, like many people on this forum, I am working through multiple layers of recovery in order to stay sober.

I was never allowed to have my own personality growing up and as a result, this year has been especially difficult, realizing that a lot of my personality traits are the result of survival skills and mirroring, in order to stay out of the line of fire -- even as an adult.

Enter alcohol.

Alcohol made me feel like ME. As a teenager and young adult, it was a rare escape from self-criticism and crushing anxiety. I am starting to realize that I got these glimpses of myself with the assistance of alcohol -- an almost separate entity within me, someone not afraid to be themself. Except...that version of me isn't so nice either. I think I am realizing that I am afraid to know myself, if that makes any sense.

My therapist says I am making progress quickly, but honestly, I don't see it. I am still struggling to figure out how the world works, how normal relationships work and most of all, I have not been ready or willing to let go and mourn the parents, family and love that I never had. This is hard, but I refuse to go back to nursing a bottle in my closet to avoid emotional pain.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

Pouncer

Hey there, Quit. Sending you strength and encouragement. You are doing great! I will not drink with you today.

venuscat

Yes, it makes so much sense dear Pouncer. s

I think that as we discover ourselves (for me it was huge as well, I did not know myself as a sober adult) we see some stuff that we don't like....but we also see plenty that we do like about ourselves.

I am constantly apologising to my husband if I am anything other than lovely to him.....I was severely chastised and punished as a kid if my behaviour was anything other than perfect. So I have this ridiculous idea in my head that If I am a bit snappy or moody, he won't love me anymore. He tells me this is ridiculous on a regular basis....nicely....he is just such a nice person....so different from the way I was raised. He is not judgemental, and truly forgives me when I say sorry....

I had to work hard as a child to get back into my parents good books. It was exhausting. And demoralising. I also confronted them after getting sober years ago, and they told me in no uncertain terms that all my problems from childhood were completely my own fault. I was a problem child. So yeah, thanks.

Alcohol allowed me to be myself without worry, because I had learned that I was never good enough. It was a fantastic* escape until it took over and then almost killed me. But during these past 5 years, I have come to believe that people actually like/love me, and that I deserve it. And that is unconditional, well, it does not depend on me being perfectly 'good' all of the time.

I am still learning how the world works as well....and I remember feeling as you do now, that I was struggling with it.... I wondered if I would ever feel comfortable and understand well, a lot of things. But it got easier and more fun to be honest....now I am comfortable in my own skin, probably for the first time ever, and loving life.

Sorry, this feels a bit self-centred, a bit of a diatribe, but I need to talk about these things as well, every now and then.

I see what your therapist sees....I see you making huge progress. And I see willingness and self-love. And a beautiful person and wonderful mom, and I am so very sorry you went through a childhood like that....sending massive hugs and love to you Pouncer. ❤️

(* Alcohol being a fantastic escape was an illusion. A delusion....I was just running and hiding.)

Pouncer

Venuscat,

Thank you so very much for sharing that with me. Your heartfelt response makes me feel understood and less alone. I relate so much to what you said. I am a serial people-pleaser and walk on eggshells around everyone. I feel like realizing that alcohol allowed me some emotional freedom (for better or worse) is an important step.

I have been trying to put my finger on why I can't let go of obsessing over alcohol and I am starting to finally see what being a 'dry drunk' is and what with 'recovery' means. Thank you so much for understanding. I just don't have a lot of people in my life who can relate to this, most of us here at SR have experienced trauma and it feels safe to share here.

I am glad that I never have to go back in time, live in a home with violent people and I am so tired of giving my family so much oxygen. I think I focus on their terrible behavior because I don't have to look inward. I drop out of SR because I don't want to work on myself and my feelings. This is really the hardest thing I have gone through in my life.

Anyone who can survive childhood trauma and beat alcohol addiction intact is a remarkable person.

venuscat

Well, you need to add yourself to that list love, because you are doing this....all of it....facing the hard stuff and getting well. s

I think that being a 'dry drunk' (such an awful expression huh?) is maybe about just saying I am not drinking anymore and not dealing with what comes up. I have a feeling the cravings happen either way....but yes, being in active recovery with other friends who are working on the same goals means that we can gather some tools to handle and beat the cravings. s

Tinkerbeau

Hi everyone i feel very ashamed as i joined here beginning of month but had teally bad telapse at weekend, it really scared me. I desperately want to beat this and change. I start counselling on 1st October but was so desperate yesterday i went to work and told someone stuff that had happened in past with my ex abuse etc .. it was hard but i hadnt told anyone for 10 years and i just knew i needed help and to get it out. I've also got dr appointment to hopefully change my antidepressants as don't think they are helping.

I'm back on day 2 today and want this to be start of my new life, i want to deal with my issues and be sober.

Caramel

Tinkerbeau

venuscat

It's really good that you are back Tink... s
Sending so much love. xx

Tinkerbeau

Thank you Caramel and Venus