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Class of June 2019 part 3

Old 07-11-2019, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Purina View Post
Day 25!

I had a problem today at an NA meeting. 2 of the old-timers came up to me at the end of the meeting and they both started to hammer me about when am I going to get a Sponsor and when am I going to start stepwork and I should have told them to just F-off but I am too much of a nice guy.

Now there is 1 of them that EVERY SINGLE TIME he sees me he says "I have 2 questions for you: #1 who is your sponsor and #2 what step are you on?" And literally he says that to me every single day and it is making me uncomfortable.

Now i dont know what to do other then to stop going to that particular meeting. This exact same thing happened to me in AA and that is why I switched to NA.

I am a skinny person and all my life my only coping mechanism has been to run away from confrontations and to crawl in a hole and hide.

So now I am in danger of getting drunk because my main support has been those meetings but I feel like a phony also because if I tell them the truth which is that i dont believe in stepwork then I will be treated like a leper.

One time i shared at an AA meeting that I did not agree with step 5 and 9 and that I refused to do them and THE BLOWBACK from that was insane! People cross talked after my share and publicly insulted me!

These people are part of a hive mind and anybody who refuses to submit to Mother Group and to assimilate and swallow the program hook, line and sinker is treated like a leper!

So now I dont know what to do. But I am a sincere and candid person I cannot bring myself to act like a phony and pretend anymore that I am "just like them".

The truth is that I formally did steps already in the past and went all the way to step 9 but then i got drunk one day when i had like 10 months clean.

I will tell you one thing: I REFUSE to do another step 5 with another new stranger and to confess my sins to a human that I dont even really know. I already did it like 6 different times with 6 different sponsors and I am sick and tired of doing a 5th step and talking about my disgraceful conduct from the past.
My cousin taught me something years ago to deal with people like that Purina....she taught me to say: thank you so much for your advice. With a smile. And then walk away.

Really.

I am both AA and NA, and I hear you re some of the tough-love crowd that seems to pop up wherever you are.....I ignore them. Just literally thank you, I appreciate that, and leave the conversation.

I probably would have the conversation about Steps 5 and 9 privately, for sure people are going to get all out of sorts at that....and I hear you, I feel the same about a couple of the steps myself.

I also don't think you should have to lose this meeting Purina. People need to respect your space a bit more is all....smile and walk away.

s
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Old 07-11-2019, 09:21 AM
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Update: I got in a heated text argument with one of the members and things turned pretty ugly. But unfortunately thats going to do it......I burned the bridge BIG TIME now.

I am so passive aggressive, I smile and stay quiet and I put up with it until one day I just EXPLODE and that is what happened.

I asked a guy that I thought was my friend and who always chimes in "If there is ever ANYTHING you need just give me a call, brother. 24/7"

So I asked this guy if he would be willing to speak to the old-timer on my behalf and ask him to lay off and he DECLINED to do it! He DECLINED to have a 3 minute conversation. Well this infuriated me and I advised him that he is giving "empty gestures" by offering to help me and then when i ask him he says no.

Well anyways, I didnt say anything I regret saying. But there is going to be blowback. Certainly I will have to avoid that meeting for at least 3 weeks.
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Old 07-11-2019, 09:28 AM
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Purina, I feel like this is all getting you so wound up, and you are doing so so well: I don't want anyone to sabotage your progress here.

I understand that you are upset, but I also understand your friend not wanting to do that. That would make me uncomfortable as well....sorry.....with love....but it would. Please try not to take it as he doesn't care about you.... there doesn't have to be blowback here: you can just let it go. Do the meeting if you want, your friend will be fine with you, and you can still ignore (politely) the oldtimers who are too persistent.

Hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts. s
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Old 07-11-2019, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by venuscat View Post
Purina, I feel like this is all getting you so wound up, and you are doing so so well: I don't want anyone to sabotage your progress here.

I understand that you are upset, but I also understand your friend not wanting to do that. That would make me uncomfortable as well....sorry.....with love....but it would. Please try not to take it as he doesn't care about you.... there doesn't have to be blowback here: you can just let it go. Do the meeting if you want, your friend will be fine with you, and you can still ignore (politely) the oldtimers who are too persistent.

Hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts. s
Thank you for your kind words. I feel very deeply hurt that this guy John would not stand up for me. I feel completely un-supported. I mean basically the guy John would prefer to never see me ever again at the meeting then to have a 3 minute chat with Eddie.

Its hard to feel loved in a situation such as that. I just dont fit in with mainstream society in general and it is so difficult for me to make friends. Its a lonely existence when you are "different" like me.

I feel like an alien from another planet that has incarnated here on Earth. The violence, the lack of affection, the distrust and separateness that I observe in the big city makes me very sad. Eating animals or harming them also makes me sad.

I wish i didnt have to live here anymore, it is so painful
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Old 07-11-2019, 12:00 PM
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Sorry guys, I ended up buying beer and drinking. I just cant handle the rejection, the loneliness and the lack of acceptance I encountered in my local city in Florida, United States.

Im odd man out, I just dont fit in. In a culture that values beauty and riches above all else....I dont posses either. The beauty i will never attain it, its just not in my genetics. And the money....I dont have the skillset to earn it and my brain is too wet and stupid to learn a new trade that will allow me to earn it.

I am a black sheep, I was born deformed and i should have been aborted at birth. If i was born 200 years ago i could have gathered wood, leaves, worked hard and set up the camp and been a part of the tribe, huddled together to stay warm.

But in 2019 I am mal-adapted to survive in this new world. I get on the bus and want to have a conversation with strangers but their faces are buried in smartphones and they look up at me in annoyance for having interrupted them. I want to give them a hug but they dont want to be touched.

This is a barbarian planet. I dont know how I got here. The coldness, the separation....the lack of tactile touch. The dog-eat-dog spirit of competition instead of mutual support, love and sharing. Are people actually happy with this style of culture?

i dont belong here. I didnt want to get drunk. I just want to emotional hurt to go away.
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Old 07-11-2019, 12:27 PM
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Well, if you cant talk to the guy yourself you should not expect a practical stranger to do it for you. Or even a friend. Thats juse werid anyway. I'm sure the guy would have wanted to talk to you about it anyway even if the other person went and represented you. I would have said tell him to come talk to me himself. Best of luck.
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Old 07-11-2019, 01:37 PM
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Feeling great today. Being on that beta blocker killed my first three weeks of drinking with out me even noticing it. I thought I felt fine and just a little down but it was that metropolol (beta blocker). Been off that for 6 days now and am feeling like I used to back in my 30 when I was not in oblivion all day. Going back to work for the first time in a long time. Back in the money. Just finished all my safety tests and drug tests. I'm on day 32 now of not letting the bottle drink from me. Enjoy your day fellow ex drunks. We are awesome.
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Old 07-11-2019, 02:10 PM
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Oh Purina.....you are not an alien at all. We all have such deep emotions and come from so many different places.....and coming from a place of abuse is more painful than anything I can imagine.

I am sorry if anything I said caused you distress, I think you are a lovely, intelligent, warm person, and I just wish I could go to meetings with you to show you there are different people in the fellowships....lots of caring people. s

Life is good, I promise you, no matter how many people may not care....there are still TONS of us who do.

Get back on the sober bus Purina....we need you. So does your cat. s xx
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Old 07-11-2019, 04:53 PM
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You're a part of this group Purina. There';s nothing odd or strange about you that's not odd or strange about the rest of us.

dump the poison - stop punishing yourself for someone else's words, foibles or feet of clay, and come back.
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Old 07-11-2019, 05:50 PM
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Hi all, happy to report I made it through the work day and event without drinking or stopping after to buy booze.
Actually had no struggle with any of it and no one cared who was or wasn’t drinking.
Am drained and tired but a milestone indeed.
Have a great evening everyone
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Old 07-12-2019, 04:28 AM
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Morning all
Melski that’s great it’s hard in our minds everyone is drinking it’s only when your sober you realize how many non drinkers around

Purine hope your night got better & you poured out the booze today is a new day

I slept like a log last night lol who would have thought 6 weeks ago simple things would make me happy

Have a great weekend everyone ! Plan ahead fill your days with healthy choices 😀
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Old 07-12-2019, 08:20 AM
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I actually am finding that now that I have quit drinking I notice way more people drinking. It seems like everyone drinks. We are all different and being sober effects us all differently. No sense generalizing. Its only when YOU get sober that it seems like not as many folks drink. When I get sober it seems like alot more folks are drinking. Just sayin, probably should not use "we" or "our" when talking about symptoms and struggles etc...
I'm just back from the doctor today. My BP is down. It was 160/90 when I went last time (first time in years) but it was day 5 of my first quit after 25 years so I figured it was a tad higher than normal. Today it was 138/80 so much better. I'm off that med that was making me sick. She did not give me a alternative. Just the one I have been on. Mentioned lowering my salt and possible getting off the meds if that works.? I told her I had quit drinking and she asked if I was going to counseling. Mentioning how some get depressed. I told her no, that I was feeling great. She told me to come see her if I start drinking again because she can give me meds. They took blood and said they will call if they find anything. Last time(like 4 years ago) I was borderline high cholesterol and my triglycerides were to high to measure. Hopefully they will both be down. I had probably(pretty sure I had several shots before going) been drinking before I even gave blood. This time I'm 32 days free of the booze. I'm feeling great, even had a split second thought of grabbing a beer out of the fridge but aint doin that. I go back in 6 months as long as blood is good. Lets hope. Enjoy your weekend June class and SR in general. I'm hitting the golf course for hopefully the first time ever with out drinking. Just me and my wife and she does not drink so it wont be a big deal.
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Old 07-12-2019, 08:52 AM
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Well its time for me to step away from this thread I hope you all continue on the sober journey

Im not one to take offense! but when some one needs to point out to people what & how they should say things i def do not have anything but well wishes for any one & everyones journey is different
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Old 07-12-2019, 10:30 AM
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Hello everyone. I am one of the June class members contributing to the thread dwindling a little-- sober and happy, but so busy and not checking in or posting as much. I do still log on daily and read all of the posts in our class thread as well as scan through other posts. I just don't always write something.

I'm grateful that we can face challenges, vent, seek advice and especially celebrate success together.

Here's to another sober day.
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Old 07-12-2019, 11:12 AM
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Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. I woke up with a hangover and 3 hours later I went to the store again and bought beer again today.

Now I am "in the grips" of the addiction and its going to be really hard to break free. Dont make the same mistake as me and please hang on to your quit.

We get to choose when we pick up but we dont get to choose when we come back. When you wake up that sleeping lion it will dig its teeth into you FIRMLY and the sad truth is some people never make it back.

Please keep me in your prayers. i am planning to return tomorrow and will join the July class thread. I made a really foolish mistake to pick up.

Please learn from my mistakes and do not follow my bad example. My anxiety has returned FULL FORCE now because of the drinking. And i have to deal with the Morning Terrors, the heart palpitations and the sense of impeding doom.

I did the worse possible thing I could have done: I picked up that first drink. The "Euphoria and pleasure" was very short lived and the panic and depression made up the bulk of the experience.

its like buying an $8 bottle of water at the airport. What a waste.

please learn from my experience and please hang on to your quit.
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Old 07-12-2019, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by DJ1 View Post
Well its time for me to step away from this thread I hope you all continue on the sober journey

Im not one to take offense! but when some one needs to point out to people what & how they should say things i def do not have anything but well wishes for any one & everyones journey is different
Yeah...I hear you DJ.....but you know, we have awesome moderators and they will read the thread.....please don't leave. Or hey, come join us in the 24.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-449-a.html (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 449)
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Old 07-12-2019, 12:51 PM
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Really really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow in the July class dear Purina. Well done on making the decision again.

And huge love to all of you. s
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Old 07-12-2019, 02:16 PM
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Well fresh off a round of boozeless golf and did very well. Big surprise ha. Checked my bloodwork and I am all good. Cant be more relieved. Cholesterol is good at 119 and my triglycerides (which were to high to measure last time) were at 97 which is great. And I was all health scared for the last several years. What a relief. Yay. Enjoy your beautiful weekend.
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Old 07-12-2019, 02:41 PM
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Purina, thank you for the reminder of how it looks on the other side of giving in...and I'm sorry you are feeling the anxiety and dread around it all. Glad you are choosing to join back! Sending you strength.

I'm definitely facing the difference of not drinking my weekend away and trying to come up with plenty of plans. Gonna stay true to my very small window of focus: each moment, hour, day. It helps for me to keep it that way, in small increments.

Abraham, congrats on your great golf game!

Happy weekend to you all.
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Old 07-12-2019, 04:20 PM
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It occurs to me it's been a while since I shared my vision for these support threads

I (and Anna) want a place where people feel safe - where they feel welcomed and where they won't be judged or made to feel bad.

I'm not talking about enabling, folks. None wants to hear its OK to drink or drug - we know thats bs, it's not why any of us is here, and its not helpful.

I think you can still talk straight with a little dollop of empathy and a pinch of compassion

I'm talking about a place where people feel free to be honest about their struggle, their fears - and their vulnerabilities.

Its not the only approach, I know - and it's probably not for everyone, but it's been working great for a whole lot of people every month since July 2008

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