Class of May 2018 Part 5
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Manta and John, I really believe the depression is related largely (although not entirely) to drinking.
For me, drinking =
I have seen the pattern in myself so many times. The days following drinking (especially binge drinking) are truly awful. And the AV says what the eff, I feel so terrible/dismal/guilty/sad/life is futile/etc that I may as well drink anyway,because what’s the point? It all sucks anyway. But the AV is a very accomplished liar. If you can bat through the first week or so, you do actually start to feel a little less awful. I won’t say I feel great at day 10, but I’m a damn sight better than last Monday on day 1.
But we can’t do it alone. I’m reluctant to take antidepressants due to previous side effects too Manta, hence me resisting. I’ve tried a few different types and it wasn’t good.
But I am booked in to see a psychologist next week and I’m going to see if some counselling sessions might help. I know it can be so hard to stay sober, especially in the early days, but the after effects of drinking are way worse than the pain and sadness that I’m trying to numb out. The numbing/alcohol buzz is very temporary and the pain afterwards is more intense and the despair that overwhelms me in the days following drinking is just not worth that temporary buzz/pain numbing.
If you can get through the first week or so, the bleakness tends to lift a little (if not entirely go away). Perhaps it’s worth seeking some counselling to help?
I was looking through old photos recently and saw a photo of myself at 13. Apart from the usual teenage stuff, I was a bright, happy, sunshiny kind of girl. I lost her when I started drinking at 15. I’m going searching for her again, I know she’s still in there somewhere, buried under years and years of alcohol use and abuse. But I caught a glimpse of her in that photo, and it gave me a seed of hope. The other thing is, I decided that I need to do things that bring me joy. Things out in nature, in the wilderness, in the forest. So I’m planning future things to do that I can look forward to.
For me, drinking =
I have seen the pattern in myself so many times. The days following drinking (especially binge drinking) are truly awful. And the AV says what the eff, I feel so terrible/dismal/guilty/sad/life is futile/etc that I may as well drink anyway,because what’s the point? It all sucks anyway. But the AV is a very accomplished liar. If you can bat through the first week or so, you do actually start to feel a little less awful. I won’t say I feel great at day 10, but I’m a damn sight better than last Monday on day 1.
But we can’t do it alone. I’m reluctant to take antidepressants due to previous side effects too Manta, hence me resisting. I’ve tried a few different types and it wasn’t good.
But I am booked in to see a psychologist next week and I’m going to see if some counselling sessions might help. I know it can be so hard to stay sober, especially in the early days, but the after effects of drinking are way worse than the pain and sadness that I’m trying to numb out. The numbing/alcohol buzz is very temporary and the pain afterwards is more intense and the despair that overwhelms me in the days following drinking is just not worth that temporary buzz/pain numbing.
If you can get through the first week or so, the bleakness tends to lift a little (if not entirely go away). Perhaps it’s worth seeking some counselling to help?
I was looking through old photos recently and saw a photo of myself at 13. Apart from the usual teenage stuff, I was a bright, happy, sunshiny kind of girl. I lost her when I started drinking at 15. I’m going searching for her again, I know she’s still in there somewhere, buried under years and years of alcohol use and abuse. But I caught a glimpse of her in that photo, and it gave me a seed of hope. The other thing is, I decided that I need to do things that bring me joy. Things out in nature, in the wilderness, in the forest. So I’m planning future things to do that I can look forward to.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Originally Posted by Gettingcloser 
Thank you, Willow! Very important words for me to here.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
I’m good Dee and Gettingcloser.
Day 12 today, Friday 13th
and I’m feeling a world better than last week
Dee can you still get tp ok down there?
We still can’t get it here which is weird, because the trucks are still running supplies up north. Unless people are buying it as quickly as stocks fill up perhaps....
Day 12 today, Friday 13th
and I’m feeling a world better than last week Dee can you still get tp ok down there?
We still can’t get it here which is weird, because the trucks are still running supplies up north. Unless people are buying it as quickly as stocks fill up perhaps....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 454
Craziness going on guys!
The state I live in (Pennsylvania) has shut down all school for a minimum of two weeks.
I know the corona virus is worldwide... but is everyone shutting down school? Libraries? Cancelled parades for st Patrick’s Day. It is a very weird feeling.
So, of course everyone is stocking up on food and supplies. Grocery stores are empty.
I am grateful that I don’t work, and I am able to stay home with the girls for two weeks. Families with two working parents are in a pickle.
I am also so so so grateful I don’t have to worry about stockpiling alcohol. Because if I was still drinking and absolutely know I would have bought a lot of wine.... and worried if it would be enough.
Ugh the constant worry of having enough,
And worrying about when I could get to the store for me.
Congrats willow in 13 days!!! And congrats to everyone else that have returned to stay sober again... that first step and day 1 is the absolute hardest. Be proud.
How about last night I had a drinking dream. Haven’t had one of those in a while. Wonder if they will ever stop. It was so real, and I had to think if I really drank when I woke.
Stay safe everyone!
The state I live in (Pennsylvania) has shut down all school for a minimum of two weeks.
I know the corona virus is worldwide... but is everyone shutting down school? Libraries? Cancelled parades for st Patrick’s Day. It is a very weird feeling.
So, of course everyone is stocking up on food and supplies. Grocery stores are empty.
I am grateful that I don’t work, and I am able to stay home with the girls for two weeks. Families with two working parents are in a pickle.
I am also so so so grateful I don’t have to worry about stockpiling alcohol. Because if I was still drinking and absolutely know I would have bought a lot of wine.... and worried if it would be enough.
Ugh the constant worry of having enough,
And worrying about when I could get to the store for me.
Congrats willow in 13 days!!! And congrats to everyone else that have returned to stay sober again... that first step and day 1 is the absolute hardest. Be proud.
How about last night I had a drinking dream. Haven’t had one of those in a while. Wonder if they will ever stop. It was so real, and I had to think if I really drank when I woke.
Stay safe everyone!
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
From Monday all events with crowds over 500 are cancelled here in Australia.
Schools are still open, except those with confirmed coro cases.
It's about slowing the spread, while trying to keep things as normal as possible.
D
Schools are still open, except those with confirmed coro cases.
It's about slowing the spread, while trying to keep things as normal as possible.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Thanks Bumble
Thanks for the update Dee.
Apparently the tp is coming in, but going out as fast as it comes in. Limited to one pack per transaction. I still haven’t found any, went to 3 different supermarkets today. But my partner found a 4 pack somewhere
No tissues or hand sanitizer left either.
Limited to one packet of pasta and rice now too.
I agree Bumble, I’m soooo glad not to be worried about running out of wine!
That would have been my biggest worry before.
Thanks for the update Dee.
Apparently the tp is coming in, but going out as fast as it comes in. Limited to one pack per transaction. I still haven’t found any, went to 3 different supermarkets today. But my partner found a 4 pack somewhere
No tissues or hand sanitizer left either.
Limited to one packet of pasta and rice now too.
I agree Bumble, I’m soooo glad not to be worried about running out of wine!
That would have been my biggest worry before.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
I’m starting my third sober week again. Day 15 today
Feeling positive, although anxiety is still an issue. It seems to have escalated over the weekend, possibly associated with the uncertainty at the moment.
Although staying sober at the moment is more important than ever and my resolve to work through this depression/anxiety jungle soberly remains firm
Feeling positive, although anxiety is still an issue. It seems to have escalated over the weekend, possibly associated with the uncertainty at the moment.
Although staying sober at the moment is more important than ever and my resolve to work through this depression/anxiety jungle soberly remains firm
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Day 1 again here. I already posted in the weekenders so won’t repeat it all here suffice to say I royally screwed up again. I’m sick of the sound of my inner dialogue, sick of hearing myself say “I need to sort this” and not sorting it. So bored with my own bull$hit! Hope everyone else is doing ok x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I may have shared before how many weeks I tried year after years to quit.
I really believe that never giving up,coming back again and again is half the battle ML
Is there anything you learned in rehab that might be valuable now?
D
I really believe that never giving up,coming back again and again is half the battle ML
Is there anything you learned in rehab that might be valuable now?
D
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Everything I learned at rehab is valuable now to be honest Dee. Meditation and exercise being a big one to start with. Not only will exercise keep me busy it’s vital for my mental health right now. I have to get my body to start producing some feel good chemicals for itself and this is a good way to do it.
I also think it will be good to get out of my muddled head. Some of the other tools are more around getting inside and trying to work out what’s going on but I kind of know what’s going on and there is little benefit right at this moment in turning it over and over. Although after a few days walking I might be in a better headspace to do that healthily x
I also think it will be good to get out of my muddled head. Some of the other tools are more around getting inside and trying to work out what’s going on but I kind of know what’s going on and there is little benefit right at this moment in turning it over and over. Although after a few days walking I might be in a better headspace to do that healthily x
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
It’s so good that you’re here posting Manta 
I screwed up repeatedly too, and felt worse every time.
The exercise is a really important part for me too. In fact thanks for the reminder, because I’ve dropped the ball on that this week and have felt my mood to be low and the AV came calling today. I squashed it, but the reminder about exercise is a very timely one for me. I need to get out there exercising again myself
I screwed up repeatedly too, and felt worse every time.
The exercise is a really important part for me too. In fact thanks for the reminder, because I’ve dropped the ball on that this week and have felt my mood to be low and the AV came calling today. I squashed it, but the reminder about exercise is a very timely one for me. I need to get out there exercising again myself
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Yes Willow, same here, each binge is getting worse, closer together and the consequences are getting more serious too. I am on the verge of creating consequences that will have a significant and negative impact on my life that I won’t come back from in the sense that I will totally loose myself back into addiction with no desire to be sober. I don’t want that. x
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
I don’t want that either Manta. For you or for me. I know what you mean too, last time I felt really hopeless, and I felt I may as well just be a drunk, I didn’t care about anything, not even myself, and the AV was so insistent. I had very little will or desire to even live, let alone live a sober life. I could easily have gotten lost down that rabbit hole of addiction until it destroyed my life entirely and killed me off.
But a spark in me brought me back to SR again, and the people here, especially Dee helped me realise that I am worthy of so much more.
I’m eternally grateful to you Dee for all your support and also Suze in other threads, and everyone on SR who has been supporting me through the rough times.
I’m on day 19 today, and I’m counting the days because every one is taking me a step further away from that place of despair. I know that alcohol largely put me in that dismal place, and I don’t ever want to go back there. Alcohol tries to trick me that it’s the answer, but it’s not, it’s the problem. The answer is sobriety. And in our weak moments, we need tools to fight the AV because it’s a liar and will bring us nothing but misery.
SR, regular exercise, healthy food choices (with tasty treats on hand as anti-AV weapons. My strongest weapon is icecream). Reading (“This naked life” and similar books helps me) counselling or some other way to work on recovery.
SR is my main support ❤️
We’re in this together
But a spark in me brought me back to SR again, and the people here, especially Dee helped me realise that I am worthy of so much more.
I’m eternally grateful to you Dee for all your support and also Suze in other threads, and everyone on SR who has been supporting me through the rough times.
I’m on day 19 today, and I’m counting the days because every one is taking me a step further away from that place of despair. I know that alcohol largely put me in that dismal place, and I don’t ever want to go back there. Alcohol tries to trick me that it’s the answer, but it’s not, it’s the problem. The answer is sobriety. And in our weak moments, we need tools to fight the AV because it’s a liar and will bring us nothing but misery.
SR, regular exercise, healthy food choices (with tasty treats on hand as anti-AV weapons. My strongest weapon is icecream). Reading (“This naked life” and similar books helps me) counselling or some other way to work on recovery.
SR is my main support ❤️
We’re in this together
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 454
Mantra! Willow! Hello!!!
Mantra - Thank you for sharing your difficulties... and great work returning! You got this. You did this before and you can do it again.
Willow- congrats on day 19!!! Do you feel your cloud lifting at all?
I just woke up thanks to my husband. Set his alarm for 5:30 to workout... and it kept going off. Annnnnd never got up. Then started snoring. So yeh, I am up.
So the craziness in the world continues. How is everything where you guys are at?
Our school district just extended the closure until April 10th. All activities are still on hold (soccer, dance, piano, Girl Scouts.) And all non-essential businesses are closed in Pennsylvania.
It is def tough being home with the girls allllllll day. Trying to home school an hour a day, and trying to limit screen time. I feel I should get everything done (cleaning, laundry, organizing, cooking... ) But in reality I get nothing done.
I’m trying not to complain... but certainly understand the reasoning and severity of all this.
Liquors stores closed... prior to closure, the lines were insane. Glad i did not have to deal with that.
My husband is a police officer, so he is still going into work. Luckily he is off this weekend though. It will be easier around the house.
I had another drinking dream last night! I feel like with all this uncertainty in life... AV is trying to sneak into my brain.
Stay safe everyone
Bumble
Mantra - Thank you for sharing your difficulties... and great work returning! You got this. You did this before and you can do it again.
Willow- congrats on day 19!!! Do you feel your cloud lifting at all?
I just woke up thanks to my husband. Set his alarm for 5:30 to workout... and it kept going off. Annnnnd never got up. Then started snoring. So yeh, I am up.
So the craziness in the world continues. How is everything where you guys are at?
Our school district just extended the closure until April 10th. All activities are still on hold (soccer, dance, piano, Girl Scouts.) And all non-essential businesses are closed in Pennsylvania.
It is def tough being home with the girls allllllll day. Trying to home school an hour a day, and trying to limit screen time. I feel I should get everything done (cleaning, laundry, organizing, cooking... ) But in reality I get nothing done.
I’m trying not to complain... but certainly understand the reasoning and severity of all this.
Liquors stores closed... prior to closure, the lines were insane. Glad i did not have to deal with that.
My husband is a police officer, so he is still going into work. Luckily he is off this weekend though. It will be easier around the house.
I had another drinking dream last night! I feel like with all this uncertainty in life... AV is trying to sneak into my brain.
Stay safe everyone
Bumble
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Hi Bumble 
Yes the cloud is lifting for me Day 20 today
The anxiety has been a bit rampant and I’m trying different ways to deal with it. I saw the psychologist last week and she’s given me a couple of short term tools to help cope “in the moment “ with anxiety as it arises, and we are going to tackle the underlying issues over the coming sessions. Hopefully I will get at least another one in before we go into lockdown.
Things are getting freaky here, it’s really hard to get staple items from supermarkets, even with the limits in place for one only of : toilet paper, tissues, eggs, pasta, rice etc. Still empty shelves everywhere
I think they’re restocking but people are still panic buying and hoarding.
I think we’ll likely be in lockdown soon.
Bumble I’m glad your husband will be home this weekend It must be very challenging trying to homeschool little ones on your own. You’re doing an amazing job. Try to squeeze a little “me time” for yourself in there somewhere. Looking after yourself is really important too ❤️
Yes the cloud is lifting for me
Day 20 today The anxiety has been a bit rampant and I’m trying different ways to deal with it. I saw the psychologist last week and she’s given me a couple of short term tools to help cope “in the moment “ with anxiety as it arises, and we are going to tackle the underlying issues over the coming sessions. Hopefully I will get at least another one in before we go into lockdown.
Things are getting freaky here, it’s really hard to get staple items from supermarkets, even with the limits in place for one only of : toilet paper, tissues, eggs, pasta, rice etc. Still empty shelves everywhere
I think they’re restocking but people are still panic buying and hoarding.
I think we’ll likely be in lockdown soon.
Bumble I’m glad your husband will be home this weekend
It must be very challenging trying to homeschool little ones on your own. You’re doing an amazing job. Try to squeeze a little “me time” for yourself in there somewhere. Looking after yourself is really important too ❤️
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