Willow00

Thanks Dee, I got a mental health plan and a referral to a psychologist. I rang and booked the earliest appointment available which is in the middle of March, so a few weeks away. She also recommended some new DNA test that helps work out which antidepressants are most likely to work best without so many side effects. I need to research it a bit more.

Hopefully I can get myself on track again.
I know I need to do something different. I need to find my joy again. I’m struggling with life and death and existential stuff, the meaning of life. I know it’s all heavy stuff and I should somehow “let it go” but it’s really weighing me down. I have so much sadness still about the loss of my loved ones. Sometimes everything just seems so hopeless. Yesterday a friend’s husband died suddenly, way too young, from a heart attack. And I just caved. I drank last night. I knew I shouldn’t, but I did it anyway. Today I wish I hadn’t, but last night I just didn’t care.

Dee74

When I got sober really the motivation to quit and stay quit was to not die this way.

I knew I had talents and strengths and ideas and I wanted the chance to explore and use those things,

I wanted a second chance and if never drinking again was the price I'd have to pay - so be it.

I didn't know how I'd do it - but every rough time I found on the way - deaths of friends, my own health, govt red tape, the ups and downs of a partnership - I got though and got through sober.

I began to see my addictive self as the weasely little coward it was., How dare it use my real pain as reasons to get a drink?

so I dealt with a lot, sober.

Found out I was more capable than I'd ever let myself think I was.
I wasn't weak - I was quite a nuggety little tyke.

I think you might be too.

D

Willow00

I just saved a screenshot of your post Dee.
Your words really do mean a lot to me. Thank you for believing in me.
I know I have so much to give, it’s just really hard sometimes to find a way through the rough stuff.
But I’m going to re-read this.
I’ve always admired those nuggety little tykes. Perhaps I might just be able to find my own self in there to be one of them too.

Bumblebee2

Dee74

The important thing is you're free Bumble

D

Willow00

I know what you mean Bumble. My partner just randomly stops drinking, then starts, then stops. Maybe has one here and there for a few months then none at all.
Whereas it’s a constant struggle for me. Even when I had over a year of sobriety under my belt, it was still a struggle to stay sober. But he can take it or leave it almost on a whim
And every now and then I think I can too, and I have a drink. But I really can’t. Because then I can’t stop again, I’m not like him.

It’s not like that for me, when I drink it’s just so darn hard to stop again.
And it puts me in such a very bad head space.

It seems for me that Drinking =

So now I think I’ve finally figured out that the black cloud of despair/depression is actually inside the wine bottle.
So when I let wine pass my lips, when I drink, I’m actually pouring despair and depression down my throat into my body. It’s a delayed reaction by a few hours, but it’s a definite consequence.
The link is so clear to me now.

Thanks Dee for pointing out a few home truths to me lately.

It might seem like a really belated light bulb moment, but there you have it.
Drinking = Depression

Maybe I don’t need antidepressants, just better anti-AV tools...

And I need to check in with SR when I feel tempted to drink, rather than isolating myself and letting the AV convince me that it will make me feel better. Because the temporary buzz is not worth the ongoing awful black cloud of depression and despair that follows.

Dee74

Maybe - but I've needed both at various times, & there should be no shame in that IMO

D

Willow00

Yeah maybe... I’ll talk to my doc about it again. We’ve tried 3 different ones and they all made me feel really sick. But there is a possible other one to try. I really need to be sober for them to work properly anyway, so my current plan is to get through to my psychologist appointment sober (in 2 weeks) and see the doctor after that, and make a decision with my doc then if I should try another different kind .....

Willow00

So today marks 7 days of consecutive sobriety. In the big scheme of things it may not seem much, especially as I started on this sober journey nearly 2 years ago, but right now, after my recent relapse and dive down into depression, 1 week for me feels like a real achievement. And I feel positive and hopeful again

Dee74

A.week can be a million miles from where you were

Willow00

Definitely

Bumblebee2

Willow00

This is so true Dee
I’m on day 9 now, and apart from a mild headache this (Tuesday) morning, I’m feeling a truck load better psychologically than this time last week, that’s for sure.

Thanks Bumble
I’m so glad you’re still posting in the class of May 2018. I will forever feel like it’s home for me ❤️
I know what you mean about “I could’ve laid in bed all day”. I still feel like that most days, except I know have to get up for work. Although I’m happy to say that the awful black cloud of despair has lifted substantially. I’m still considering antidepressants/anti anxiety meds, but waiting to see the counsellor next week, when I’ll have a couple of weeks sober and I’ll see how I’m travelling then. Also need to get my hormones balanced out which might help.

I went to a cancer fundraiser Sat night and stayed sober, which was my first real challenge this time round. I had to go, but other than that one event, I’m going to try to avoid boozefests for a while though.

Better get myself organised for work.

See you later

Gettingcloser

Hey Willow
Thank you for posting! It is really good for me to read your posts and know that there is life after a relapse. You are doing great and your posts keep it real for me. If I do relapse I can make it back. It is not a deal breaker.

Willow00

Honestly Gettingcloser, it’s not worth it. Relasping that is. It’s been really really hard to drag myself back. I think people get lost back out therein boozeland all too easily. I could have so easily stayed drinking and gotten lost for God only knows how long. It would have been easier but far far worse for me to keep drinking. It’s hard coming back, and I don’t want to have to keep doing this day 1 feeling like utter crap again. I sincerely wish I had never relapsed, and I intend to never, ever let it happen again if at all possible.

Please stay on the sober road Gettingcloser, it’s so much better than drinking

Gettingcloser

Thank you, Willow! Very important words for me to here.

MantaLady

Hi everyone. Wish I was posting something positive and uplifting but that’s not how I am feeling at all. I hear you Willow re the depression and I am feeling similar. I genuinely don’t get any joy out of anything, I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere, deal with people. Everything is so flat. I’d go to the Dr but don’t want to be taking meds that don’t work. About 25 years ago I was prescribed the anti-depressant Seroxat, within a month I tried to take my own life. There was a big thing about it driving people to suicide and they stopped prescribing it to people due to the risks posed. Since then I don’t trust what I might get prescribed hence not seeking medical type help. Then there is part of me that also says I am not depressed and that this is just the way I am, can’t really remember being truly happy ever. I’m not sure if I am capable of that and medication isn’t going to fix it.

I don’t know what to do. I drank again last night, not in work today as called in sick and I’m just not doing right by myself at all. x

John65

Hi everyone,
I've still been drinking too. Not daily but super binging when I do. It's going to kill me if I carry on. Last drank on the 7th.
Best wishes to all.
John

MantaLady

Same here John, not drinking every day but when I do it’s a major binge that has me out for days with the after effects. Drank last night and today has been a real ordeal to get through. I am doing this every one to two weeks so far this year. It’s tough and you’re not alone xx

Dee74

I'm concerned about both you guys.
Whats your recovery plan/s to stop drinking?

D