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Class of September 2018 Part 4

Old 01-25-2019, 09:47 PM
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Sorry Final that your wife is drinking again, as it isn't easy to have booze in the house when we are trying to get or stay sober. Whenever I had a slip, I had to stay far away from any booze, even while shopping for groceries. Once the beast is woken up again, even if it's just a nibble, it comes out full throttle, ready to test every ounce of willpower we have left. May I ask, was it a joint decision to drink on vacation together, or were you alone? Just wondering how it happened. Maybe talking about your slip would help you avoid another one??

Just trying to offer support and good vibes
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Old 01-26-2019, 06:43 AM
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My wife never committed to sobriety. She would have a glass or 2 of wine from time to time (moderating?). But I know she has wanted to be back with our friends in full drinking mode.

On vacation, it was like I started to explain (probably not well). It feels like a dream where you realize you can do whatever without consequence because it's just a dream. When you wake up it never happened. We were at a boardwalk area with shops, restaurants, bars, outdoor entertainment. It was just a place that seemed drink in hand was the natural thing to do. Didn't have an internal struggle with it at all. Just bought a beer and we kept on. my wife never said anything or acted surprised, it just went. I was just there, like a dream almost, we were happy and having a good time. I felt like I just disconnected from reality for a while. That's why my rant came the next day here about the stresses I needed to deal with. When I "woke from the dream", life was still there.

I'm the thinker, planner and worrier in my household. Always have been. Most likely the contributor to my drinking and anxiety (chicken and egg or egg and chicken, not sure which). Even this morning, I sat doing a budget for my oldest son because I'm worried he's making poor financial decisions. Well, NO SH@T! We all did when we were 18.

Clutter, bills, planning etc all make me restless. I deal with most of it ok but when I go away, I want to be able to turn off ME. Just for a bit.

Well, that was enlightening. Thank you WF for asking. Made me put it out there.
Perhaps some time with a therapist is in order. I tried once before but I feel it will take someone too long to get up to speed to make any real progress. I do a pretty good job on my own of staying balanced but there are definitely some gaps, no?

If I make a list of things that I need to do then knock them off one by one, I feel great. It just feels like there are a lot more lists. Need to knock off the lists one by one too. Lol (kind of).

Well, I've got plenty to do today and tomorrow will be nice enough to get things done outside. Have a great weekend all.

How's it going Ben?
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Old 01-26-2019, 06:52 AM
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Btw, I don't consider it a "slip", nor do I downplay it as such. It was quite intentional. I can also say it wasn't a relapse either. I did not fall into the pattern of uncontrolled daily drinking. The event DOES scare me enough though to know I still have work to do. I'm not fooled into thinking I was somehow in control of alcohol. I was very afraid that I would continue when I got back.
But I got right back here and to the things I know i need to stay dry. I really want to get to the point where I can stand confidently on my own.

I will.
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Old 01-26-2019, 10:04 AM
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Thanks for sharing Final, it helps all of us when everyone shares what happened.
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Old 01-26-2019, 01:19 PM
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Evening all

Things haven't been good for me - I went to a funeral yesterday and got hopelessly drunk. Now I feel hot/cold and shaky and pretty damn low.

I don't know what to do. I feel very close to you guys and you and SR have helped me amazingly. But something is not "clicking" for me. I am putting in a lot of effort but it scares me that, perhaps, I do not want to "stay sober more than drink". Or that I am constitutionally unable to be honest with myself. Or some other thing that is making me repeat this cycle.

I also really don't want to be a hindrance to any of you. I know you will say I am not, but for Final and WF especially you don't need me harping on about my day ones.

I know I need a plan...I know some things that work and can see the things that don't. Apart from that I don't know anymore, except I keep going back to square one.

Grrrrrrrr - I am so cross with myself, I hate myself so much when I drink. I disgust myself - thats not just words I really do feel that.

I am sober today and feeling horrible. Anxiety closer to terror. I will sleep soon and tomorrow will come back and think what my plan is moving forward.

Keep going guys, maybe my role in the group is as a cautionary tale...but thats not my choice moving forward.
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Old 01-26-2019, 02:18 PM
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Hang in there guys....the road may be a little bumpy right now, but you can do this!

I wish I knew what else to say, sending healing thoughts to you all
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Old 01-26-2019, 03:59 PM
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You are always welcome here Ben.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. It feels like hell for sure, but try and show your self some love and appreciation for trying really hard.
I know it is a really hard battle sometimes, but if you don't keep trying you don't have the odds of making it out of this hell.
You just haven't found the right method.
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Old 01-26-2019, 04:06 PM
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That's good Bumboid! I read a post recently- someone with long term sobriety- who had listened to the Allen Carr audiobook, and one of his tools was to re-listen to it every few months or so to never become complacent.
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Old 01-26-2019, 04:13 PM
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Have you been to an AA or SMART meeting Ben?
They can be helpful.
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Old 01-26-2019, 07:32 PM
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I joined SR over a year ago. In that year, I would have stops and starts. When I would get some days under my belt, I would post more and offer all kinds of expert advise. Then I would drink again. Feel ashamed and embarrassed and not log back on. Then I was cured forever from the cycle!!! NOT! I would start drinking myself back into my self destruction without any accountability or support. Ben, you know if you step away it will only get worse. Nobody said recovery was a straight line.
Oh, and just want to remind you that I drank 4 days ago. So don't dump that sanctimonious line about hindering WF and I. Or Bumboid and Hopeful either.
I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that, this September 2018 thread will end when we no longer need it. All of us. Last I checked, we all checked in today. So, I'm pretty sure none of us are "cured" yet.
I think that you've gained more sober time since being part of this group than before you joined. All of us have. Stepping away almost guarantees a full blown relapse.
Get a good night sleep and put it back together tomorrow.
I had a great reflection on last weeks drinking when WF asked me. I was able to articulate and understand exactly WHY. Now I can address it fully. That's a huge revelation for me that I would not have discovered had I not come right back here.
Don't think for a second that you're a better alcoholic than we are. You're just as capable of recovery as the rest of us.

Above said with only love in my heart my friend.
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Old 01-26-2019, 08:52 PM
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And I have been here almost 4 years! I can't even count how many Day 1s I've posted (I'm certainly afraid to go back and look). Each class I joined, I ended up quitting. After 2,3,4,5,6,7,8 months sober. UGH And, I also felt like a failure!

We are in this together. Set backs that any of you may experience, whether it's a sip of beer or a full blown 2 week binder, doesn't affect my sobriety. That's all on me. I am here to support you and get support, without judgement. We need each other to succeed!

Keep posting, keep trying, never, ever give up hope.

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Old 01-27-2019, 12:05 AM
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Morning all. Sweaty sleep but sleep all the same.

I have no intention of leaving SR, but I am aware that if what I am doing is not working then I need to change it. And as odd as this may seem (I’d never have believed it myself six months ago) I genuinely feel a responsibility to you guys. I unmed and arred about posting at all - maybe better just not to tell you all? I really don’t want to undermine what people are achieving, especially those of you so far in...but also bumboid and hopeful too.

(I hope thsts not me being sanctimonious final - that did offend me a bit. But that’s cool I know you are watching my back)

I was more thinking about moving group. I don’t want to do that, as above I feel comfortable here. But maybe that’s a problem in itself.

Im not beating myself up today, I am moving forward, a sober day today and plan some more this evening
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Old 01-27-2019, 05:03 AM
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Hey Ben, as I stated in my last post, I have joined other monthly groups in the past, and quit those groups after a relapse. If you need a change, maybe try the January group? The most important thing is that YOU find the support that YOU need. We know where to find ya

I know how hard this is, and I'm getting too old for any more set backs, but I completely understand the insanity of continuing to go back to the drink. I did it, for many years, and I have finally had enough. You will get to the end of your rope, one way or another. Seek your solution.
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Old 01-27-2019, 08:03 AM
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Glad you are back at it Ben. As WF said, it doesn't affect us negatively when one of us slips. I believe it's helpful. It wasn't long ago that it was only WF and I posting for a week or 2. Those were the hardest days for me. Not knowing what happened (or kind of knowing) to the rest.
I made an analogy early on about this feeling like a horror movie. You know how the beast picks off the group one by one out of the darkness. That analogy is scary. If we keep coming back, it's not.
A big part of an addicts problem is ego. Last week I was thinking "I can't tell the group, it will affect them and they'll fail". Or "I can't go back now that I drank, I let them all down". Because, clearly you all needed me for your own sobriety, right? (Sanctimonious, No offense intended, just a descriptive word) I was again stuck in the Me,Me,Me thinking. I needed to break that pattern. So I came right back and told those that know my struggles the most. And it gave me a major breakthrough.
I read a lot of threads in newcomers. A lot of personalities from all over. But you can see certain patterns develop. And you can get an idea of what starts to work.
I see some that struggle most are very resistant to much of the advise. Or worse, they get offended by some of it too. Often, the words they find most offensive are those that are the most truthful.
It's a battle with our ego that can only be overcome by humility. It's taken some time for me to really understand that word.
When WF asked me to share the "why", I didn't give a cookie cutter response using key words "trigger, slip, etc". I put my ego aside and humbly reflected on myself before responding. I found the very specific cause of my pick up. And now I can work on it with your understanding of me. It's not the reason everyone else does and I wouldn't assume it would be.
I understand you were at a funeral. It can be very depressing and convince us to drown those feelings. that could be a trigger. But do you know why you decided to drink?
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Old 01-27-2019, 08:07 AM
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BTW, WF, Bumboid, Hopeful and you Ben, are my only outlet and support I have. I don't want to do without either of you.
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Old 01-27-2019, 08:26 AM
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Think of it this way, if we were fighting on a battlefield in an actual war, we wouldn't walk away from a fellow soldier because he/she tripped and fell over a log. We wouldn't abandon that soldier, call them weak, or ridicule them for falling, sh*t happens. We would pick them up and keep moving!

This is our war against alcoholism, and booze is the log on the field waiting to trip us up. Get up, dust off your boots, and let's get moving!

***It just felt really good to say this (to myself as well)
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Old 01-27-2019, 11:10 AM
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If felt good to hear too WF!

Wow - a lot of stuff there, I've read it all and thanks for all of it.

Where I am stuck is that I am determined to not drink, really really determined. Yet I keep doing it. On one level that is expected - I am addicted and also I haven't experienced much of adult life being sober, so there is heavy habit there. But I am becoming increasingly exasperated that I cant string this sobriety-thing together.

Because when I drink - this time and others - I have simply made a decision to drink. This time I tried to fortify myself with every plan I could but this all goes out the window when I choose to drink. Its because it is ME choosing to drink, ME does not have the power to resist. No matter what I try, its half hearted, because ME/MYSELF/I has chosen to drink. I knew on Friday I should eat, I knew it inside out...but I chose not to so when the funeral finished BANG.

This is why I am questioning how much I want NOT to drink. Or maybe I am kidding myself, not being honest. Maybe I AM incapable of being honest with myself.

That all sounds defeatist, but I feel anything but. Some of my habits are changing/have changed; I am finding sober days and weeks easy, something I could not do even for one day 12 months ago. My daily plans are good and I suffer very little with cravings or the AV. I have told family and friends I have given up and have their support. And of course I have you guys here supporting me. Thats all the positive stuff.

I also believe, reading this site daily for months on end, that the answer is prolonged sobriety. I believe I can change, we all can, its a matter of creating plans to not drink daily, and if all goes belly up to just bloody-mindedly NOT DRINK for that day.

I go again. I can't do anything else but keep trying. I will write up a plan tonight, I will stick to it tomorrow, building on what works. Day 2 has just ticked over,
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Old 01-27-2019, 12:00 PM
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Thanks Bumboid. How you doing?

I have also decided to join the February group when it starts. September will remain my home group, but I will join Feb as the early doors bits I can share with them. You know - headaches etc (I got one now ). Talk about back to square one...but lets do this

Thanks guys I do love you all (and thats a sober declaration of love for everyone )
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Old 01-27-2019, 12:23 PM
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I second the downloading This Naked Mind.

She talks about Cognitive Dissonance. When your subconscious mind and unconscious mind are at war with each other whether to drink or not and how to get them on the same page so you can quit once and for all.
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Old 01-27-2019, 12:25 PM
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I'm really glad I got it, and glad Bumboid brought it up, because it has helped me a lot too.
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